CLARKE

Siddiq gently removes the splint from my leg and puts it aside him. His hands move back to my shin, where he presses his thumbs into my skin with just the right amount of pressure.

"Any pain?" he asks me, looking up from underneath his heavy eyebrows.

"Zero," I smirk at him.

Without waiting for his permission I swing my legs over the edge of the table, more than ready to move on with my life.

"Whoahoahoa!" he stops me right before I'm about to jump off. "Take it easy there. Let me at least give you a hand."

I accept his arm, mainly because I don't want to be rude, and slide off the table until my feet hit the floor. I have to admit, it does feel a bit unsure to stand again, and more so to put weight on my leg. But it still doesn't hurt. It feels right.

"Alright, let's take a few steps," Siddiq encourages me, like I really need it. If it was up to me I'd run straight out of here. Okay, maybe not run, but you know.

My first steps are a bit wobbly, but that's really mostly my insecurity. As soon as I feel that I can actually trust my leg the way I used to, I dare to let go of Siddiq's arm and start stepping around his examination room without any fear. As I do so, my eyes meet his.

"Five and a half weeks. You did it, girl," he smiles. "There's nothing left for me to do here than declare you healed."

I mirror his smile. "Great! So I can go?"

"What's the rush?" he laughs while handing me my pants.

As I squeeze myself into my jeans I can feel my grin grow even wider. "I've got a date tonight!"

... ...

"You're sure you are okay?" Lexa asks for the third time.

"I am, I told you," I tell her while holding on to her even more. "I'm just a bit unbalanced, so you'd better stay close."

Narrowing her eyes, she creases her forehead. She knows there's a little lie somewhere. She just doesn't know about which part.

"Hm," she caves in, "Alright then. But you have to swear you'll tell me when you've had enough!"

"Babe, as long as you didn't plan to take me on some endless moonlight walk, I'll be fine."

I tilt my head to look at her and right when I do my laughter freezes in my throat. She's staring at me. Motionless, as if anything, even a blink with her eyes, could make the world crumble down, and with her mouth half open, like the words are there, but whatever she'll say next might turn things around.

And then I realized what I just said. How I just called her. How that one word had just slipped in, without thinking. I didn't mean to, but it wasn't meaningless either.

So I smile at her. I smile to tell her yes, I heard it too, and no, I'm not taking it back.

I can see her shoulders drop an inch, hear the breath she was holding escape her lungs.

"Babe..." she sighs, breaking our silence at last. "You mean that?"

I nod without any doubt. "I do."

"Cause I'm not asking you to say or do anything you're not ready to, just because-"

"Hey," I stop her mid-sentence. "Trust me on this. I do."

Now she's the one to nod, slowly at first and then a bit more decisive. "Okay then," she says, more to herself than to me, as her smile slowly grows bigger and more confident. I also notice some sparks in her eyes that weren't there before. They make me happy.

She makes me happy.

I know that, more than I know anything else. I'm not fooling myself, I'm not denying that she hurt me. Not just with answering someone else's kiss, but most of all with distancing herself from me. For shutting me out. But I know just as well that it wasn't on purpose. She wasn't out to cause me any pain. She was dealing with her own. And it doesn't make me wanna be with her any less.

It doesn't make me love her any less.

She takes my hand.

"Come," she smiles.

... ...

Lexa takes me to our backyard. The first thing I see when we get there are the candles - dozens of them, illuminating the twilight sky with a warm, yellow glow. I look at her, a little speechless. Her giggle fills the air like music.

"Old habit," she shrugs nonchalantly, shooting me a grin. "I'm afraid we have to leave this place before the residents find out I took them all, though."

I hardly hear her, too distracted by everything else. My eyes are on the old tv set and the cosy seat in front of it, covered with pillows and blankets. A little further on there is a picnic table, neatly set with plates and glasses, and of course with even more candles. Next to it I spot a small campfire, keeping whatever is in the pan above it warm.

Lexa follows my gaze.

"I know it's not much," she starts to apologize. "Turns out Alexandria doesn't have a movie theater I could take you to. Or a skating rink, or a mini golf course, or... well, anything else highly cliche for a date."

I turn towards her, lay my hands on her hips and look her straight in her eyes. "It's perfect," I tell her, though already feeling it's way more than that. "And don't worry about any cliches. You can't go wrong with me. You know, since this is my first date ever, and all."

Unable to hide her surprise, her eyes grow big and her jaw falls a little - making me laugh in amusement.

"No way!" she cries out. "How's that even possible? I mean, have you seen you?!"

"Well, not through your eyes," I snicker, before shrugging just like she did before - in the brushing-it-off kind of way. "I guess I was a bit distracted growing up in space. Too busy with being the rebellious teenager. Getting imprisoned didn't really help either. I'm glad though."

She frowns. "You are?"

"Are you kidding me?" I laugh again. "Look at all this! Who doesn't want this for a first date?! This has to be a zillion times better than any movie theater. It's like... like a hug! So warm and inviting. And intimate. I mean, it's just us... isn't it?"

"It is," Lexa says as she holds my hand a little tighter, leading me to the small sofa she's built for us. "Madi is staying at Judith's. And Raven took over my night shift. Now sit. I haven't been on a bicycle for three hours to charge that generator for nothing!"

I do as told, expecting her to drop down next to me, but she moves to the tv-set instead.

"So what are we watching?" I cheer, unable to hide the excitement in my voice and the joy on my face. For a moment I feel like a kid in a candy store.

Lexa holds up an old video tape to show me the cover. The picture doesn't give away a lot, except for some boy holding a box containing something fluffy. My eyes moves to the title.

"Gremlins?"

"You don't know it?" she laughs, amazed or amused - or maybe both - by my clueless look. "It's a real classic."

"Hey, my ancestors took like five recordings for us to watch in space," I cry out, "Three of them were soccer matches."

Though I'm painfully failing in pretending to feel offended, she's a true sport, playing along by pulling a sad face and calling me poor baby. I reward her with a heartfelt chuckle, then eagerly sit up again when she turns away from me to shove the tape into the rusty VCR.

"So, what's it about? Is it romantic? And cute? It's cute, isn't it?!" I keep rambling until she faces me again, now clearly trying to keep from laughing.

"Oh, it's cute, alright," she grins. "For like... three minutes at least."

"What?!" I frown, pointing at the box again. "But..."

She ignores my puzzlement though, as she's finally ready to sit down with me.

The small sofa is just big enough for two, so as soon as she joins me we both have to shuffle around a bit to be comfortable. It's in that moment that I catch the hesitation in her eyes. For a short second she looks indecisive. Uncertain. As if she doesn't want to cross any boundaries that might or might not be there.

And I know why.

On the night of our fight we ended up on an even bigger rollercoaster when Lexa's world got turned upside down - once again. And despite my pain and anger I felt like I needed to be there for her. To listen and even to hold her. But that was just in that moment. Once we called it a day I took a step back again. And she let me, knowing I needed the space.

Since that moment we've been different around each other. I didn't avoid talking to her after that night, but I did steer clear of expressing my feelings. Feelings I struggled to understand, since they were so conflicting - making me want to push her away as well as to pull her close, sometimes at the same time.

I did need that space, but by taking it, it made us end up in limbo, where we lived beside each other for the past three days - together alone. I didn't kick her out of the house, or even out of bed, but I couldn't have her sleep in my arms either. I didn't reject her help and support, and with that her touch, but I also didn't look for her affection. Even though I craved for it, every day a little bit more.

And by now more than ever.

Boy, do I crave for her.

There's no denying, and I don't need to tell her. I know at this moment it's all in my eyes. The acquiescence. The permission. The frigging need.

She sees it, recognizes it and doesn't waste another second to give me all I want the second I give her a nod. She wraps her arm around me like she would've done any other day, and as soon as she does I know that it's alright. That any other way would just be wrong.

As I nestle in her embrace I exhale and feel my body relax, which must be her cue to do the same. And just like that we're one again.

"I didn't really had much choice," she says, for an instant confusing me what this is about. "The only other movie I could find was some old war movie, and I reckoned we've both seen enough of that."

My lips form another smile while my gaze moves back to the screen, where the opening credits start to roll. "Good call," I sigh blissfully.

I still have no clue what to expect, but for once I don't mind. In fact, I think I really like it.

... ...

"So, what did you think of the movie?"

We just moved to the picnic table were Lexa is now filling our plates with the meal she cooked earlier. It smells great. No gross, melting little monster can change that!

"I loved it!" I nod enthusiastically. "And not just the story and the cuteness and the funny stuff-"

"-and the scares?" She laughs and winks at me.

"Okay, yes, and the scares," I admit with a chuckle. Since she'd been holding me close the entire time there's no denying that I jumped up more than once. "I loved it all, but I also just really liked to get a glimpse of your world before it went all down."

Handing me my plate and a glass of wine, she cocks her head a bit. "Well, I hate to break it to you, but our world didn't come with fantasy creatures tripping on snow white music."

"It didn't? Well, that's a bummer." This time I'm the one who's winking.

We share a smile, then raise our glasses and take a sip. It could be the night, which I have to admit is pretty magical, but I really think this is the best wine I ever tasted.

"Dig in," Lexa smiles, nodding to the food on the table. She doesn't have to tell me twice.

"You know, when you think of it, the Gremlins part is actually not that different from the post-outbreak days, is it?" I go on after savoring that first, delicious bite. "Cute things turning ugly and dangerous. Multiplying like crazy..."

Lexa looks up at me, her fork in mid-air and with a pensive look on her face, then surprises me by bursting into laughter.

"What?" I murmur. I actually wasn't joking.

She shrugs, still laughing. "I'm just picturing it," she hiccups, "A giant herd of Walkers, singing Heigh-Ho." Before I know it she starts imitating one, swinging her arms around while vigorously moving her head left and right, her hair dancing along, while blurting out those lyrics.

She looks like she's lost it completely, and of course I can't help but laugh. Laugh and feel grateful, since for the first time in way too long I actually see her happy and at ease again. And that's not even all it. I feel like I also get to see, get to meet, a first glimpse of that other side of her. That goofy side, that never got the chance to find a place in Lexa's dark, predestined life.

I know it's just one aspect, one thing of many to discover, but I love it and it only makes me want to learn so much more about her.

"What?!" Lexa echoes my earlier question. She isn't moving around anymore and I realize she just caught me staring at her.

"Nothing," I shake my head. "I'm just... I'm glad we did this. I'm glad I'm here with you."

She puts her glass down and reaches her arm over the table, resting her hand on the back of mine for just a moment.

"Me, too," she smiles softly.

"And this is really, really good!" I go on, pointing to the food on my plate with my fork.

Her smile grows warmer. "Thank you. My grandma taught me. She was a real star in making pretty much everything with just basic ingredients."

I tuck into my food again, almost ecstatically. "Well, then thank you, Grandma!"

We both laugh, clink our glasses once more and then just enjoy dinner for a little while in silence - except for the the crackling sound of the fire and the chirping of the crickets in the trees around us. For once the world around us feels calm, and the quietness is so comfortable, I honestly believe I could just sit here and listen to it forever.

But in the end I'm also eager to talk to her, and for that I have to break our quietness.

"Tell me more about them," I ask her, picking up our conversation after swallowing another mouthful. "About your family."

She tilts her head, looking a little surprised by my question. "Didn't I already?"

"A little, yeah. But I wanna hear more. Who were they, what were they like? I mean, unless you don't want to-"

"No, no, it's okay," she quickly reassures me, drowning her bite with another sip of her wine. I pick up the bottle and refill our glasses, even though neither of them is completely empty yet. When I hand hers back to her, our fingers brush.

"Well, there's not a whole lot to tell, since my family is pretty small. No aunts and uncles. My dad did have a brother, but he died at young age. Some tragic story," she starts. "My mom is an only child, but she has two cousins who I guess were kind of my aunts. Even though we hardly ever saw them, since they lived in Florida, and then later on in Atlanta."

As she mindlessly spins her glass around, her smile returns, together with the memories.

"Andrea and my mom were a lot alike, inside and out. Strong, protective, but also impulsive and a bit hotheaded at times. They were around the same age as well. Amy, on the other hand, was more of an introvert. She was calmer, a bit quiet even, but caring and wise beyond her years. She was at least ten years younger then her sister, so whenever they came over to visit us she often chose to hang out with us instead of, well, the so-called adults."

"Were you close?"

She bites her lip, giving it some thought. "No, not specifically. I mean, we didn't really keep in touch when we weren't around each other. But I did really like them, and Amy especially. I remember how she had this special way of connecting with Nick. Like she was the only one he actually listened to - maybe because she actually listened to him. And even though he eventually fell back every time, I really appreciated that."

I swallow my last bite and put my fork and knife down. "What happened to them?"

"I have no idea," she shrugs, yet not in a dismissive way. "We didn't get the chance to reach them after the outbreak, since everything went so fast and all, so I have no clue if they even survived." She falls quiet for a moment. "Now that it's years later I can only assume that they didn't. You know, since hardly anybody did."

"You did," I point out.

She pops the last morsel of her meal into her mouth, her eyes for a moment averted from mine. When our gazes meet again, I note that the sparks are gone. Yet as she speaks up, her smile is still warm, just like her voice.

"Can we talk about something else?"

"Y-Yeah, of course," I stammer. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's a fair point, and it's not that I want to avoid the topic. Or that I don't want to include you in that part of my life. But just... not tonight."

I nod. I know not all our stories are rainbows and roses, and that the shitty ones are just as much part of us as the good ones. That in the end there's no getting to know each other without them. Just as much as I know that there's still some stuff between us we need to resolve. But right now traumas and trust issues can wait.

"Not tonight," I agree, and I really mean it.

Our shared understanding is enough to quickly lighten the mood again.

Lexa pushes her now empty plate aside and leans her elbows on the table. "Also this shouldn't be all about me," she grins eagerly. "Why don't you tell me one of your space adventures?"

A small laugh escapes me. "What makes you think we were having adventures up there?"

"I dunno," she shrugs again, "Maybe because Raven always makes it sound like it?"

I shake my head, still laughing. "Ah yes, there are always a few exceptions of course. Raven was indeed a real star in finding some excitement up there - she and Finn both were."

As soon as I drop his name I freeze, and so does she - our gazes locked in mute exchange before we both look away, as if on cue.

"Shit," I mumble beneath my breath.

"Yeah," she sighs, "I guess light topics just really don't exist in our world."

This time I don't agree, though neither do I contradict her. Instead I get up, kind of abruptly and thus making her look up in surprise. I walk around the table and swing one leg over the bench, right next to her.

"Of course they do," I say. I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her towards me, making her spin in her seat. She gets the hint and pulls her feet up, resting them on the bench while leaning back against my chest. Holding her in my arms like this, I rest my chin on her shoulder. "We just have to find a way to live with the bad stuff, too. To find some balance."

"Hmm," she hums, and I can tell she's already close to smiling again. "I still want to hear about baby Clarke, though. And life in space."

"Alright," I smile, pulling her a little closer. "One story."

... ...

At least ten stories later, mine as well as hers, we find ourselves on the ground near the fire. We took one of the blankets and a few pillows - the stars, candles, wine and company making up for the rest. Besides the many anecdotes we share a couple of firsts and favorites, and although I have to pass on some of them and don't even know most of hers, I still love every snippet she shares with me.

Only once or twice she switches from Alicia's perspective to Lexa's, like when she tells me the story in which she and Luna pulled a trick on Titus - once their teacher - or how she loved to play chess with Luna's brother.

The switching between her different lives seems to go effortless and she doesn't give me the impression that these memories bother her, which relieves me both. It's not that I feel that I couldn't be with her if she'd really chose to ignore that life completely. I truly believe I could deal with that. It's the fact that apparently there's still something she wants to hold on to after all - at least for herself, and maybe a little bit for me as well. Something, and some people, that deserve to be acknowledged, and to be remembered.

"Clarke?"

I blink, realizing I got lost in thought a little, and avert my gaze from the flames in front of me up to her face above me - my cheek missing the contact with her lap right away. She's smiling down on me. Her expression is soft, despite a tinge of sorrow in her eyes.

"I really missed you," she quietly tells me. "And you have no idea how much I hate myself for shutting you out, and for-"

"Sssh," I hush. "Just go back to the missing part."

"I missed you - a lot," she says again, "And I really miss kissing you." Startled by her own words she flinches. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't- I don't mean to push-"

"Do it," I cut her off again. I sit up, bringing my face close to her. "Kiss me."

The way she inhales tells me she's tensed. She doesn't need to be.

"You're sure?" she whispers.

I nod, moving even closer until our noses brush together. "More than anything."

And then her lips are finally back where I need them the most.

On mine.

... ...