WARNING: There IS a suicide warning for this one, and PLEASE if you ever find yourself near where this person is, find some support. Don't try to handle it on your own. I PROMISE there are people who can and will help. I promise that people would not just miss you. They would tear themselves apart for the rest of their lives. Don't handle it by yourself.

I know I'm messed up.

I know I'm never going to win.

I know people are never going to forget. I know Mabel will never love me.

I know all of these things, and yet late at night, I still find my godforsaken brain hoping that I can change the facts.

I turn over in my bed and stare out the new window that my father had put in. The moon is so bright.

Lordy, I don't even miss performing. That was my life, and I couldn't care less. The tent of telepathy is closed for the time being.

The police haven't come after me to put me back in prison. Father thinks that if I lie low for a few years, they'll forget. He's wrong. I'm turning fourteen this weekend.

Fourteen.

Dad will buy ice cream and make a big deal about it. Mother will smile weakly. I'll choke out some kind of thank you but I can't eat it. I don't want presents, or sick love. I want friends. Friends who don't hate me for all the mistakes I've made.

All the mistakes.

Sometimes… Sometimes, I just want to strangle my father! He pushed the shows on me so early, I got used to it! I kills me to think about all the childhood I missed out on. It makes me so goshdarn sick. But I will never be able to go back and fix it. Never. I'm too damn messed up to fix myself.

I'm fat. I'm pale. I'm short, I'm ugly, I'm controlling, I'm bad with girls, I'm manipulative,

"I KNOW ALL OF THIS, AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO!" I realize that I've screamed. Other children would get reprimanded for that behavior. Not me. I wish I would get yelled at. I wish they would tell me no for once. I wish they would cut me off, just SAY NO. But my parents are afraid of me. They're afraid. If I could go back. If I could fix myself, If I could fix Mother. If there is one thing I wish I could do, it would be to fix my mother.

The only thing that could fix a woman like her, would be if

I was

dead.

I know it. "I KNOW IT." This time I whisper.

I don't have the courage to do IT, though. I almost can't say IT. To kill me. To kill myself. I've seen the ones who do have that awful courage.

And when we find them at the base of the cliffs, we wonder what fires burned through their brains.

What monsters inside them pushed so hard that they shattered the humans

who ONLY WANTED TO BE HAPPY

I can't end me. I can't live. I can't be happy.

I can't find my way out.

Author's Note

M'kay, I'm aware that this was kinda a shitty chapter, but had written it, and I haven't posted on this story in a sad amount of time. If you have a request for another character, any character pls tell me, hopefully the next one I write won't be depressing. Maybe I'll go back to Wendy. Who knows. Good news! I will soon be collaborating with johnnycatalina on a Rick and Morty gravity falls crossover! Yaaaayy! That probs won't be out for a bit tho. I was rewatching GF today and I cried twice. Yay.