I actually wasn't planning on posting this for another few days, but I thought I'd be nice on Valentine's Day - even though it is definitely not my favourite holiday. I like the day after Valentine's day when it 75% off chocolate. Anyway, here's chapter four! Let me know what you think!
Four
"I'll be here." Ziva reminded Tony as he stood from his chair in Paige's waiting room.
Tony smiled back at her before he followed Paige into her office. He sat down in his usual chair and waited patiently for Paige to get situated.
"So how have you been Tony? It's been, what, a week since I saw you last? I'm sorry about having to cancel Monday, my daughter was sick." Paige explained.
Tony nodded. "That's alright. Family first." He told her. "I've been okay, no really big changes."
"How have your nightmares been?" Paige asked.
Tony shrugged. "Pretty much the same, maybe a few less in the last week." He said.
"Well that's good at least, you're getting a bit more sleep then?"
Tony nodded. "Yeah, probably only about an extra hour though."
"An hour is better than ten minutes." Paige reminded him.
Tony nodded. "I was cleared for desk duty. I'm going back tomorrow." He told her.
Paige nodded. "I know, the operational psychologist called me. She wanted to know if I was worried about your mental state while under stress." She told him.
He had given her permission to discuss his progress with NCIS.
Tony laughed lightly. "And you told them I'm a ticking time bomb?" He joked.
Paige laughed. "Well not quite." She told him. "But I did tell them that you are doing very well, and I'm not worried about desk duty. I don't want you in the field quite yet though."
Tony nodded. "I know I'm not ready for that." He assured her. "I just want to do something other than watch movies all day. I miss working."
"That's good." Paige said, scribbling notes on her notepad. "Anything else interesting happen?" She asked curiously.
Tony shrugged. "My dad is buying a house here." He told her.
"How do you feel about that?" Paige asked.
Tony thought for a moment. "Confused." He told her honestly.
Paige nodded. "Okay. Why?" She asked.
Tony shrugged. "It's not that I don't want him here, I do. I want to spend more time with him, and get to know him, but at the same time, all he's done since I was about twelve just… he comes to me when he gets himself into trouble. And I always get him out of it." He told her.
"And you're worried that if he's here and close to you he's going to ask you to get him out of things more often?" Paige asked.
Tony nodded. "I think so." He said. "I just want him to be my dad for a while, ya know? He was actually pretty good this time though."
"Good how?" Paige asked.
"I told him what happened to me." Tony said.
Paige was surprised. "You did?" She asked. "What did he say?"
"That he loves me. And that I could have called him." Tony said.
Paige smiled. "That's great Tony. I'm glad he's supportive."
Tony nodded.
"And what about Ziva? Does he like her?" Paige asked.
Tony laughed. "God I think if we weren't in a relationship he'd flirt so hard he'd have a heart attack."
Paige chuckled. "Alright, so he likes her well enough."
Tony nodded. "Definitely."
"That's good, I'm glad he wants to have a relationship with you." Paige told him.
"Me too." Tony agreed.
"When was the last time you had a panic attack?" Paige asked.
Tony thought for a moment. "I'm not really sure… maybe the day before I testified." He told her.
Paige nodded. "That's great. Are you still worried about them like you were before, or has your anxiety calmed down a bit?"
"It's actually been pretty good. If Ziva and I are the only ones in the apartment, she can come up behind me and touch me and I'm totally fine." Tony said.
Paige nodded. "What about if you're not the only ones at home?" She asked.
Tony shrugged. "It changes it a bit because I'm never sure who's behind me. Like it's probably Ziva, but I don't know one-hundred percent, so I jump." He told her.
"That makes sense. Do you want to talk about how you handle panic attacks at work?" Paige asked.
Tony shrugged. "I guess we probably should, just in case. I just don't want it to happen."
"What scares you about it?" Paige asked.
Tony sighed. "I guess just that I'm supposed to be cleared, and if I have a panic attack, it sets me back, I guess, if that made sense."
Paige nodded. "No, it made perfect sense. You don't want to be looked at differently, or like you're not ready to be there."
Tony nodded. "Yeah."
"Would it be alright if I brought Ziva in for a minute?" Paige asked.
Tony nodded. "Yeah, sure."
Paige put her pen down on her desk and walked across the small office to pull the door open.
"Can you come in here for a minute, Ziva?" She asked.
Tony heard Ziva's book snap shut and her footsteps coming toward the door.
"Is everything alright?" She asked as she stepped into the office.
Paige nodded. "Everything is fine, we were just gonna talk about coping with panic attacks and anxiety at work, if it pops up." She told Ziva.
Ziva let out a small sigh of relief. "Alright." She said. She sat down in the extra chair that was in the room and waited for Paige.
"So, the last time we talked about this, you told me that Ziva was mostly what kept you calm, right?" Paige asked Tony.
Tony nodded. "Yeah, pretty much."
"Alright. That is really great, and having someone there who knows what's happening, and how to help is fantastic, but you also need to be able to kind of self-soothe sometimes." Paige said.
"Yeah, I know… I just, I don't know, I can't think straight, and then I start to panic even more because I'm panicking." Tony told her.
Paige nodded. "That's perfectly normal." She stated. "And keeping yourself calm or calming yourself down takes a lot of practice."
Tony nodded. "Well I'm not gonna have a lot of time to practice between now and tomorrow."
"Have you noticed anything that triggers your anxiety?" Paige asked.
Tony thought for a moment. "I'm not really sure. It seems like it just happens sometimes."
Paige turned to look at Ziva. "Have you noticed anything?" She asked.
Ziva nodded. "Crowds are something he tends to avoid, although we did spend a few hours in a fairly busy furniture store yesterday and he was alright." She told Paige. "And people coming up behind him, more often than not it triggers a flashback, not a panic attack, but sometimes it can be difficult to bring him out of it."
Paige scribbled notes on her notepad quickly as Ziva spoke.
"When you have a flashback, what breaks through to you?" Paige asked Tony.
"Silence, and hearing Ziva's voice. If there isn't any music playing I realize that I'm not naked behind a bar." Tony said.
Paige nodded. "Alright, that's good. How often do the flashbacks happen?"
Tony looked over at Ziva and shrugged.
"They really aren't that common. I have only seen three or four after a nightmare." Ziva told them.
Paige smiled a bit. "That's great. I still kind of want you both to be prepared, just in case they do happen though."
XXXXX
Ziva laid herself back against the arm of the couch and opened her arms for Tony to lay down with her. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed his forehead as he rested his head on her chest.
"Are you scared for tomorrow?" Ziva asked.
Tony shrugged. "I don't really know why I would be. There's nothing scary about desk duty." Tony told her.
Ziva nodded. "Not the idea of it at least. But you may feel differently when you step into the building as an agent, and not a visitor." She told him.
Tony nodded against her. "I guess."
"On my first day back, I stood outside the building just staring at it for… I do not even know how long. I could not make myself go in." Ziva said.
"Why not?" Tony asked curiously.
Ziva thought for a moment. "A few reasons, I suppose. I did not want to mess up the flow of the team, for one. You all had gotten used to working without me." She said.
Tony shook his head. "No, we didn't." He told her. "We never got used to it."
Ziva tightened her grip around him. "I was scared that I wouldn't be the same agent that I was before." She told him.
Tony looked up at her. "You weren't." He said softly.
He felt Ziva's sharp inhale and she tugged her lower lip between her teeth. She looked toward the clock on the wall across from the couch and she felt tears burning in her eyes. She knew it was stupid, she was still a good agent and she knew it but hearing someone actually say that she wasn't the same didn't feel good.
Tony winced, cursing himself for saying it like that. He sat up and turned himself around to face her. He reached out to take her hands, and she pulled away. She stood and walked down the hallway silently, closing the bedroom door behind her.
'Well fuck.' Tony thought to himself as he sat on the couch, trying to figure out what to do.
He decided to wait for a few minutes to see if she would come back before he walked toward the bedroom door.
He knocked gently. "Zi?" He called softly.
No response.
He decided not to invade her space, she would come to him when she was ready, so instead, he sat down in front of the closed door, leaning against the doorframe.
"You didn't let me finish Zi." He told her through the door. "I never said that you were different in a bad way because you aren't. When I first met you, you had the investigative skills of Scrappy-Doo. You were fast, and impulsive, and you had this view on the cases that we handled that was so black and white, I loved it. I still do, actually. The biggest thing I noticed about you when you came back was that your determination, your drive to not only solve cases, but to help the victims, was so much deeper. You-"
He was interrupted by the bedroom door opening slowly and Ziva stared down at him with tear-stained cheeks. He reached up to her.
"Come here Zi." He said softly.
Ziva stood for a moment, thinking before she sunk down to sit beside him. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her onto his lap. She rested her head against his shoulder.
"You're softer than you were when I first met you. And that isn't a bad thing Ziva. It doesn't mean you're any less of an agent, or any less skilled. It means that you've broadened yourself. Everything else about you is the same. You still mess up English, you're still as sarcastic as ever… You're still way, way too hard on yourself." He told her, hugging her against himself tightly. He felt a fresh wave of her tears on his neck. "I love all of those things Zi, I always have."
Ziva hugged him tightly.
"I didn't mean to upset you sweetheart, I'm sorry." Tony told her honestly.
The couple sat in the doorway silently for a few minutes before Ziva spoke.
"I am sorry. I overreacted." She said.
Tony shook his head. "No, I should've found a better way to explain myself."
Ziva laughed lightly and rolled her eyes. "Are you going to argue until I agree that you're right?" She asked.
Tony nodded. "You know it." He said. His hand came up to wipe the tears off Ziva's cheek gently. "I love you, more than anything." He told her.
Ziva smiled a bit and kissed his cheek softly. "I love you too." She told him before she laid her head back on his shoulder.
"Can I ask you something?" Tony asked.
Ziva nodded. "Of course."
"What did going back to work feel like?"
Ziva thought for a moment. "After I got into the building, I felt okay. I was a bit tense, obviously, but I knew that it was where I belonged. I was exactly where I was supposed to be, when I was supposed to be there." She explained.
Tony nodded. "Can I ask you something stupid now?"
Ziva looked up at him. "You can ask me anything."
Tony hesitated. "Do… do you believe that I'm supposed to go back tomorrow?" He asked.
"That is not a stupid question, Tony." Ziva told him firmly. "And I can't really answer that. That is something you have to feel for yourself, but if it helps any, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Even the little things, like picking up a quarter on the street." She said.
Tony nodded. "I promise, you'll be the first to know if something is wrong."
Ziva nodded against his shoulder. "I can live with that."
She felt Tony's grip around her waist tighten and she looked up at him.
"I'm sorry I upset you." He said once again.
Ziva lifted her head off his chest, and both of her hands came up to cup his face as she spoke.
"I am alright." She told him. "You did not do anything wrong. That was all me. I do not care if you feel like it was what you said, it wasn't. But I am alright, and so are we. Even if I get upset, we will always be alright, because I am not going anywhere. Do you understand me?" She asked.
Tony nodded. "I'm not going anywhere either." Tony agreed.
Ziva leaned in to kiss him gently. She pulled away, resting her forehead against his.
"I have no idea how to tell you how much I love you, and how much I need you." She whispered.
Tony smiled. "Do you remember what I told you in Somalia?" He asked.
"Something along the lines of 'couldn't live without you.' Correct?" Ziva asked.
Tony nodded. "Yeah. Saleem gave me some sort of truth serum thing, and I promise you, every word of it was the truth. And it still is." He told her.
Ziva felt her chin quiver as a fresh flood of tears fell from her eyes. She felt half ridiculous for crying like this, and this amount, and the other half of her felt safe enough with Tony to let him see her fall apart. It was like she had decided a long time ago that this was okay, and her body was just catching up to her mind now.
Tony pressed his lips against hers briefly. "I only wish I had told you sooner."
Ziva nodded silently. She wished he had too. Not because if he had, there's a good chance she wouldn't have been involved with Michael, or the operation that resulted in her kidnapping. She wished they had told each other how they felt because she was relieved. She had someone that she knew would always be there for her and support her. And she would do the same for him, simply because they loved each other.
"What do you say we go take that nice long relaxing bath that we haven't gotten around to yet?" Tony suggested.
Ziva nodded. "That sounds like a good idea."
XXXXX
Ziva was jolted awake by the feeling of someone shaking her. Her eyes opened and immediately fixed on Tony, who was sitting up cross-legged in the bed, facing her.
She rolled onto her back and reached out to hold his hand.
"Nightmare?" She asked.
Tony nodded silently.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Ziva asked.
Tony shook his head no. "It was the same one." He told her quietly.
Ziva knew the dream he was talking about. It was him, behind the bar, with the music getting louder and louder until he couldn't even hear himself calling for help.
She opened her arms to him. "Come here love." She beckoned softly.
Tony laid down beside her, resting his head on her chest gently. She wrapped one arm around him, rubbing his back softly while the other came up to stroke his hair.
They laid in silence like this for a few moments, allowing Tony to get his breathing back under control, he had learned to match Ziva's breathing whenever he got scared.
Ziva waited until Tony relaxed into her a bit before she started to sing gently, hoping to get him back to sleep quickly. He needed as much sleep as he could get for the next day.