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Chapter 56

Don't let me go

Usopp adjusted his slingshot and carefully tested its flexibility. The sun was high in the sky this morning and he had settled down at the front to quietly tinker. Since he had changed his tool's elastics, all his precision had been modified and he had to relearn how to master his weapon.

Suddenly, he heard a metallic noise echo through the entire railing of the Sunny and he instinctively looked up at Zoro not far from him: he had just let his dumbbell slip. He frowned and took a few steps closer.

"Hey, Zoro, are you okay?" he asked, seeing him on the verge of fainting against the rail.

"Yeah."

"Well, that doesn't look like it", his friend mumbled as he was examining him.

"I'm tellin' ya it's all good so get out of my way", the swordsman dryly replied, struggling to catch his breath.

The sniper stifled an annoyed sigh. This mule was persisting again in pushing his limits and it wasn't the last week punctuated by forced stops at the infirmary that made him slow down. At this rate, his crewmate was going to collapse before lunch, he wearily realized. Shaking his head, Usopp decided to change the method.

"Luffy, do you think Zoro is okay?" he casually asked the captain who was passing by.

The straw hat boy happily approached and leaned closer to his first mate, paler than ever.

"You're all green, you're sick? You're seasick?" he inquired with curiosity.

"I'm fine", the fencer grinded against the railing.

"You sure? Aren't you hungry?"

"He worked too hard under the sun and now he can barely stand but he's playing hardball", Usopp grumbled behind them.

"Is that true, Zoro?"

The swordsman didn't know which way to turn in front of this flood of words and Luffy's stupid questions.

"I'm just a little warm, it's gonna pass", he grunted.

"I'm gonna get Chopper", the gunner muttered, walking away.

The little reindeer had sat Zoro in the infirmary with the help of Luffy. He had examined him barely a minute before heavily sighing.

"This is the third time in a week that you got here, Zoro. You need to take more care of your body."

"What is it?" the swordsman grumbled.

"You're having a heatstroke this time", the doctor explained. "You'll have to not push yourself too hard and drink lots of water."

"I feel fine", he muttered, trying to get up.

This time, his friend lost his temper.

"You're almost dehydrated!" he severely reminded him. "No going out until tonight and no exercise!"

"You crazy? No way!" the fencer became angry in his turn.

Beside them, Luffy intervened by putting his hand on the shoulder of his first mate.

"You're gonna rest like Chopper said", he decided.

"But what the fuck am I gonna do during this time?" the swordsman got annoyed, in a bad mood.

"You can sleep", the reindeer suggested.

"Or think", Luffy added.

"You ain't one to say that!" the fencer got indignant.

"Anyway, you stay here", Chopper concluded. "I'm gonna bring you some water."

The doctor left the infirmary and Zoro's jaw tensed as a result of his frustration.

"I got a training to finish..."

"You'll finish it later", Luffy calmly replied.

"I ain't got time, I need to get stronger", the swordsman repeated.

"Mihawk said he'd be waiting for you, what's the rush?" the straw hat boy asked him.

The swordsman felt slightly embarrassed by the question yet he decided to remain as honest as possible since it was his captain.

"I've lowered my standards lately and I need to develop my mind."

Luffy shrugged back.

"Anyway, you don't even have time to fight with Sanji and it's upsetting him", he pointed out, playing with one of Chopper's potion.

"This has nothing to do with it", the fencer grumbled, scowling. "And it doesn't bother him, he doesn't care."

His captain put the potion down and shook his head.

"You told me yourself that I had to take care of Nami every day or someone else would take care of her better than me so you should pay attention to it", he stressed.

"Yeah, well, I'll keep that in mind", Zoro darkly muttered.

"Great!" the straw hat boy who hadn't perceived his irony got enthused. "I did tell Nami we're a family and either way, I trust you!"

The fencer stared at him with an empty gaze. Chopper reopened the door at that time and put a huge barrel of water in front of his patient.

"I'll watch that you'll drink regularly", he warned him threateningly.

Zoro sighed and took a glass which he slowly sipped. Luffy then leapt to his feet, visibly delighted.

"All right, have fun!"

"The next island won't be in sight for several days, will there be enough food?" Nami asked the cook during dinner.

"No problem, Nami-san", the blond replied, putting a plate in front of Robin who thanked him.

"It's a good thing, we really have to anticipate", the redhead said. "Our next destination has a bad reputation so I don't know how much we can fill up."

"Bad reputation?" the cyborg inquired, emptying his glass of cola.

The navigator nodded.

"The island appears as a destination of debauchery and a den of outlaws", she explained, helping herself some salad.

"Outlaws?!" Brook exclaimed.

"Debauchery?!" Usopp repeated.

"Don't panic", the young woman calmly continued. "I'm sure it's just a front to dissuade pirates who pass by from attacking them. They must be in small-scale petty trafficking."

"On what do you base that?" Franky asked.

Nami shrugged.

"Wanted posters add up to 80 million berries, but most of them are notorious frauds and hustlers. I'm sure they inflate their bounties with the Marine to seem bigger. Nor would it be surprising if some officers accepted bribes in exchange for this service."

The skeleton and sniper's jaws dropped on the table, but the navigator ignored their terrified faces.

"It is true that you're an expert in this field", Robin noted, delicately taking a sip of tea. "I think we can trust your judgment."

"In that event, I'll negotiate all our purchases but we'd have to be prepared for rationing", her friend approved. "There's no question of paying their goods at exorbitant prices!"

"It's gonna be fun!" Luffy got enthused, swallowing his last bite of mashed potatoes.

The matter being closed, Nami moved on to the next while Sanji was now fighting against his captain to preserve the two plates he had set aside. Indeed, Zoro was still confined to the infirmary and Chopper had insisted on staying with him to watch him.

"Who is on watch tonight?" the navigator wanted to know.

"Me", Usopp said, frowning. "Why?"

"It's gonna rain. Good luck."

The gunner dropped his head on the table and Luffy took the opportunity to steal his chocolate éclair.

Zoro was gazing at the ceiling of the infirmary thoughtfully. Not far from him, Chopper was grinding herbs in a bowl and carefully heating his preparations. They had eaten alone in an almost religious silence earlier. The little reindeer had continued to give him stern looks and the fencer had quickly gone back to bed, hesitating between weariness and embarrassment.

Stuck on his bed, his captain's words were now going around in circles in his head. His trainings were becoming ridiculous by dint of setting himself so much effort and he knew his body wasn't gaining power or performance when his limits were too often exceeded without having time to rest.

The swordsman sighed. Deep down, he knew why he was setting himself such a fast pace: exhausting his body was allowing him to leave aside his mind and thus that was giving him the illusion of still controlling the situation. But Zoro wasn't controlling anything anymore.

Everything had gone out of control since he had preferred to put an end to his bond with the blond. Yet he had sincerely believed this was his best chance to pursue his dream, but somewhere, between his desire not to lose sight of his objective and the distraction that seemed to represent this relationship, he must have been mistaken.

Because since that day, everything was more complicated. His trainings were getting nowhere, his sleep was avoiding him, his meditation was remaining superficial and he couldn't reverse the trend. This relationship had caused him many troubles so far, but it was even worse now that it no longer existed. The special bonds they had created were painfully absent and reminded him of a feeling he had never been fully aware of before: loneliness. Even if the fencer was regularly determined to stay alone to focus, the cook's presence at his side had pleasantly filled his moments of relaxation in recent months. Hearing him chattering all the time had lulled him, seeing his outsized smile had amused him, watching him take pleasure with him had excited him.

Since that day, he had nothing. Neither relationship nor progression. Since that day when he hadn't taken care of his crewmate. And he had to admit it now: he was regretting it. That evening, too obsessed with his own reflections, he had thrown those of the cook and slammed the door without a word.

Without a word. That was the root of the problem. Depriving Sanji of an explanation was the worst thing he could have done to him. Yet the blond had told him this act was precious for him and even for their relationship. They had both agreed to try harder to trust each other and the cook had kept his word since their last argument on this subject. Their relationship had really improved and he had slammed the door without telling him why in return.

The swordsman closed his eyes for a second. He had enough reproached the cook to deny his own desires at the beginning of their relationship and he was ashamed to be in this position in his turn today. He couldn't fight what he was feeling that way, he had seen his failure. He had to raise his head and accept that these emotions were part of him. He had to analyze them and integrate them into his mind, into his training. In this manner, he would pursue his quest for knowledge and personal development, essential requirements for his final objective.

Zoro forced himself to deeply breathe. Now that he was seeing the problem as a whole and that he was admitting his weaknesses, he knew what remained to be done. He wasn't sure how he would get his feelings under control so they didn't completely come over him, but what he was sure of was that doing without his relationship with the cook wasn't going to help him. On the contrary, he was now no longer able to carry out a simple training. Yet he was determined to overcome this hindrance because he wanted to become the best. He wanted to defeat Mihawk.

The fencer had nevertheless a considerable obstacle before getting over to face his personal demon again: his unworthy attitude towards the crew's cook was now depriving him of any esteem from him. The blond was only setting his contempt against him all the time and he knew he deserved it. He had dishonored what they had shared. Now that he was realizing his mistake, how could he fix it? Was that even fixable?

The swordsman sighed again. Luffy was right. It was as if he had broken one of his blades and it wasn't said that he could repair it one day.

Suddenly, Zoro stood up and adjusted his swords to his waist. When a blade broke, it was necessary to pick up the pieces and even if a mark remained, a good fencer could continue to handle it cautiously. So he had to try to fix Sanji with his explanations, it was the least he could do. Then he would see if he could still convince him to forgive him despite his scar.

The swordsman knew it would be easier to be in harmony with himself if the blond was considering him with respect but he had sacrificed him for the benefit of his progress. So he was simply hoping that admitting his mistake would allow him to prove his new intentions at first. If he found a little esteem from him this way, he was ready to fight, to listen to him pour out his anger without flinching and even to apologize as many times as necessary.

Yes, Zoro was determined to wash away his indignity and he knew he was going to have to put his pride aside for his goal. He was responsible for his own misfortunes so he would be the architect of his rebirth. He was going to be honest even if he shuddered at the prospect of confiding what was going on in him.

The fencer took a deep breath to try to strengthen his confidence. It was time for him to live up to his future destiny again.

Chopper jumped when he heard the infirmary door slam shut. He turned his head and saw that Zoro had taken off. He looked at the clock. The swordsman had been quiet most of the day, had hydrated properly, and his last constants were good. Reassured, the little reindeer resumed his mixes, focused.

Sanji slowly got up. He couldn't sleep and he needed to move, so he went up to the crow's nest to stand in for Usopp on his watch. Too happy and not trying to understand, this one hastened to go down, literally flying at the prospect of finding his bed so quickly.

The cook let his gaze get lost in the black sea which he was overlooking while dragging on his cigarette. His barriers were weakening. The denial that had protected him so well a few days earlier was fading and pain was resurfacing in him more and more often. He was still feeling horribly betrayed and the wound was even more painful than the breakup itself. It was literally poisoning all his thoughts, reminding him that the confidence in Zoro he had lost, he had to keep it for him as a crewmate.

It was an impossible dilemma. He feared the day when a powerful enemy would attack them again. Could he still leave it up to him? Could he entrust the life of their friends to him? He wasn't so sure anymore... Unconsciously, his mind was now suspicious of the fencer and that was the reason he hadn't relied on him during the last attack they were under. He had wanted to protect Chopper then Usopp, forgetting that Zoro was there. Because he didn't trust him anymore.

Sanji casually turned his head at the sound of the hatch behind his back. He stopped breathing for a second when recognizing his visitor, but quickly resumed his previous attitude by slowly blowing the smoke from his cigarette.

"I'm standing in for Usopp. Chopper said you'd stay in the infirmary all night and it might rain but if you're back, it's yours."

He was about to go out when Zoro stopped him.

"No, that's fine... I was looking for you."

Sanji froze before slightly turned towards him, frowning.

"Why?"

At these words, the swordsman fixed his gaze on his.

"I came to apologize."

The blond felt his eyes widen as he was slowly assimilating his words then he turned completely to the fencer, incredulous.

"Don't tell me you wanna talk now? I stopped hoping, you know", he placidly let him know.

The cook then took a drag of his cigarette, looking the fencer up and down with application.

"Sanji... I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?"

The blond came closer to face him, making up the most neutral expression possible. Yet hearing him talk about this subject was giving him back his eloquence and cracking his barriers a little more. Releasing his anger.

"I don't give a damn about your apologies", he hissed. "All I asked you was to be honest but you ran away. I never believed I'd think that one day but you're a fucking coward, Roronoa Zoro."

The cook brutally turned away and was about to leave the crow's nest when the swordsman held him by the arm. Sanji saw red and he aimed a resounding kick that sent Zoro hitting the back wall.

"You lost the right to touch me, you need to remember it", the blond darkly murmured.

The fencer slowly stood up before coming closer again.

"I'm sorry. I know you have the right to know so I came to tell you."

Sanji felt his breath quicken and he dragged harder on his cigarette. Did he really want to hear this explanation? It was a bit late, but at least it could perhaps allow the swordsman to keep looking him in the eye.

The latter sighed in front of him, visibly uncomfortable.

"I just couldn't..."

"Why?" the cook couldn't help but ask.

"Things changed; it wasn't what I expected anymore."

Sanji took a long drag from his cigarette and curls of smoke flew out around him.

"You should have told me."

"I know. I'm sorry."

The cook turned on his heels towards the hatch, but the swordsman called him out again.

"Wait, I'm-"

"Yeah, you're sorry", the blond who had stopped without facing him got ironic. "You can go back to sleep with a clear conscience now."

"I can't sleep anymore."

The cook finally turned to him, bitter.

"What are you looking for, saying all this now? You want me to forgive you?"

"Yes."

Sanji's eyes widened at such naivety.

"You've got some nerve!" he got indignant.

Zoro took a step forward, still determined.

"I want you to forgive me and I want you to give me another chance. I want you and me to start all over again."

Sanji stared at him, gaping, before the dormant anger he had been trying to suppress for almost a month fell on him like a tidal wave.

"Who do you think you are?! You deliberately pushed me away, you denied it and then you left without a word! You think you're so irresistible you can treat me like one of your night stands? I'm not a fucking object you can use whenever you feel like it!"

"I never treated you like an object", Zoro grunted, wincing under the rush of reproaches.

The fencer had never been a clever strategist. He knew he had broached the subject way too fast, but he couldn't help it. He had understood he had been wrong and he missed their relationship so he had only wanted to make his point of view clear to the blond in front of him but it was definitely not the answer he had hoped for.

"You did worse than treating me like an object!" the cook choked in front of him. "You should have been honest but you fucking laughed in my face! What's your problem? You met someone else?!"

"Don't talk nonsense", the swordsman growled.

"So what?! You got tired, is that it? Unless you fooled me from the start?!"

"No, I didn't know what to do, that's all! I was in over my head!"

"I'm telling you I don't give a fuck about your excuses!" the blond finally yelled.

He threw him a monumental punch which Zoro got in the head. The swordsman stumbled backwards before restoring his balance and staring at him, stunned. The cook never used his hands. Yet a few steps away, hatred was blazing in his only visible eye and he didn't seem to have been aware of his move.

Not knowing what else to do, Zoro grabbed his swords in a flash and countered the next attack that came more logically from the feet of the cook. He tried to hit him too but Sanji dodged and repelled him again. The fencer swiftly bent down then threw him off balance with his sword which brushed his cheek. At the height of fury, the blond threw himself forward and kicked Zoro in the legs.

On the ground, two of the blades of the green haired man escaped him but he kept the Wadô in hand and prevented the cook from coming closer while smoothly standing up.

The two men looked daggers at each other, short of breath. Their fight hadn't lasted more than two minutes, but they were gasping, emotions firing up their breaths more than the blows.

"I want a second chance", Zoro repeated in a firm voice.

"Doesn't work like that", the blond coldly replied.

"I know I hurt you but you gotta let me explain!"

The swordsman didn't know what to say to keep his crewmate and his tone was becoming almost imploring. Sanji hesitated.

"Why would I?" he finally got annoyed.

"Because I'm asking you."

"And when did you answer my requests?" the cook sharply reminded him. "Who says you're not trying to confuse me some more? Maybe you're using me again like you did since the beginning!" he ended up spitting.

"Stop that", the swordsman growled. "You have every right to be mad at me and I may have disrespected you but I never used you and everything I did when we were in this relationship has always been sincere."

"Well, you should know it doesn't feel like it", the blond retorted, fixing his gaze on his.

Zoro put the Wadô back in his scabbard with a sharp move, shaking his head. He needed to find a solution.

"What can I do then?" he asked, ready to prove him his good faith.

"Nothing. I don't want to do anything anymore with you", the cook darkly replied.

"But..."

"Zoro, no!"

Sanji brutally tried to catch his breath which was racing under the influence of his emotions.

"I don't wanna hear you", he whispered, his throat suddenly tight. "I can't. Not now."

"When?"

"I don't know. Maybe never."

The swordsman felt a dull concern writhe his stomach at the sight of the sudden sensitivity of the blond in front of him. He had seen Sanji go through the whole range of possible emotions since he joined the crew and if passion was typical of him in everything he did, he was using it as well in terms of fury, joy or empathy. But never before had he seen this pain in his eyes.

"You have no idea what you did to me", the cook spoke again in a flat voice.

"I know I left without telling you, I shouldn't have", the fencer tried to apologize again.

Sanji shook his head, almost amused.

"Break-ups are painful, but that's not the worst you did."

Zoro frowned. He didn't expect that and the anxiety that was squeezing his guts a little earlier doubled in volume.

"What did... I do?" he nervously whispered.

The blond studied him for a second before gently shaking his head.

"You broke the trust I had in you, marimo", he whispered back. "Now when I look at you, I don't see a crewmember anymore. I'm seeing a traitor. That's what you did to me."

The fencer's heart missed a beat. They couldn't have come to this... Zoro felt his meager assurance crumble even more. It was more than his couple that had to be fixed; it was their whole relationship from the first day!

Yet he raised his head to face the look of the cook, determined. If he were to blame himself for the rest of his life, he wouldn't do it until he tried everything.

"Sanji, tell me what I can do. Please."

The cook briefly glanced at him as his emotion was ebbing. There was one thing he wanted to know from day one.

"When I started asking you questions, you told me on the groundhogs island I didn't have to blame myself for anything. Was it true?"

"It was", the swordsman replied, looking down. "It's me."

Sanji raised an eyebrow before biting his lower lip. Strangely, he felt better having told him the extent of his wound.

"Tell me what really happened to you, Zoro. Then we'll see if there's anything left to save."

The blond was piercing him with his eyes and the fencer took a deep breath. He was up against a wall. If he wanted to have a chance of rehabilitation in the eyes of the cook one day, he had no choice.

"Okay."

Zoro picked up his last two swords and settled against a wall, uncomfortable. For his part, Sanji didn't take his eyes off him, a new glowing cigarette having replaced the one lost during the battle.

"I'm listening."

The swordsman winced then ran a hand through his hair.

"Come to the aquarium", he finally whispered.

"What's your deal now?" the blond immediately tensed up.

"I told you I'll speak so I'll do it", Zoro assured him. "It's just... not here. I wanna be sure we won't be disturbed."

The cook frowned and then shrugged. He went downstairs to wake Usopp up who whined in front of his friend's change of mind before heading to the aquarium.

Sanji entered the small room with red armchairs and watched the fish peacefully swim around them. Zoro had sat at the back, his swords not far from him, lit by the bluish light of the aquarium. The blond chose to seat a few meters away and made a sign for him to start his explanation.

"Actually, I don't really know what came over me", the fencer began. "One morning I woke up and I was suffocating. As if I couldn't breathe."

The cook did his best to keep a neutral face. He didn't want the swordsman to see how hanging on to his every word he was.

"I know I hurt you and I regret it", Zoro said with a sigh. "I didn't mean to but I didn't even realize it... I couldn't help myself."

The marimo really seemed to be mad at himself and Sanji groaned. It would have been simpler if Zoro had come in like a winner to make fun of his feelings and tell him he had messed with him. But no, he had to look sincere...

"What does that have to do with what happened?" he nevertheless coldly asked.

"Nothing. Well, everything."

The blond shook his head in annoyance.

"You're gonna have to be clearer if you want us to move on."

Zoro ran an absent-minded hand through his hair as if to seek inspiration and the cook gave him a few moments. He had to admit his own anger was subsiding and he suddenly found himself hoping that the fencer's behavior was really just a misunderstanding they could overcome.

"It was too much and I felt like I couldn't handle anything anymore", the swordsman finally whispered.

"Too much what?"

"Too much feeling, too much emotion. Too much bond."

Sanji stared at him without a word. What he was saying had both meaning and none at the same time.

"Where was the problem? That's the whole point when you're in... an exclusive relationship."

He hadn't dared to say in love because it was a term really too unreal to say it now and even if he had admitted it to himself between the lines some time ago, he had never been ready to do it in front of his crewmate.

"It was the first time for me", the swordsman softly replied. "I know I agreed with this bond between us but it became different. And..."

Zoro heavily sighed, his eyes shifting, and Sanji frowned.

"And what?" he got impatient.

"You don't know how much it scares the shit out of me", he admitted then, teeth clenched.

This time, Sanji moved closer to the green hair man, clearly puzzled.

"I don't get it. What were you afraid of? What was different?"

Zoro softly shrugged, totally mortified.

"You. Me. I didn't ask for it, but I had the feeling that everything had increased tenfold between us lately. And I didn't know what do with all that..."

Sanji was silent for a few seconds, in shock. He then let his words wrap and warm him without even wanting to.

The blond then slowly caught his breath. Despite the craze that had come over him a minute earlier, reality was catching up with him head-on.

"I really cared about you too, marimo", he finally confessed. "And even if I understand how it might have made you nervous, that was okay since we were in it together..."

Beside him, Zoro shook his head. He was still visibly trying to analyze what had happened and his gaze became thoughtful.

"I dunno, I didn't pay attention at the time but there was this time with the girl in the bar..."

Sanji frowned. He did remember Zoro had almost thrown in the towel that night. This was probably the first alarm signal that the fencer had felt.

"And when these guys kidnapped you with Nami and you got hurt, I almost lost it", the swordsman gloomily went on. "And then..."

He heavily sighed again but forced himself to continue.

"On the island with the kids you wanted to feed, that's when I realized something had changed. I was seeing you smile with the kids and it made my stomach turn like I couldn't get you was just giving some fucking food. I tried to ignore it but the days after were unbearable. I was more and more often overcome by this strange feeling..."

Zoro left his gaze stubbornly focused on the aquarium, far too uncomfortable to face the blond.

"I felt totally at the mercy of these emotions I couldn't control. I was looking at you and it was like a tidal wave. I wanted you to stay with me, I wanted you to only look at me..."

Sanji closed his eyes for a second, breathless. He was grasping everything now. It was so simple and so... stupid.

"Do you know what that means, marimo?" he whispered after a few moments of silence. "You know what you're saying to me?"

The latter seemed to sink further into the armchair, his cheeks red.

"Yeah, yean, I know. I know now..."

Calm settled on the room and Zoro finally moved in his seat.

"It was so embarrassing and... I panicked", he angrily admitted, finally turning his eyes to the cook. "It was overwhelming and I was distracted during my workouts. It was like you were stealing my goal from me without even noticing and because we had decided our dreams would always come first, I made a decision..."

Sanji let the silence spread again for a few moments before softly sighing.

"I had noticed it was more intense between us. I just enjoyed it without thinking, it seemed natural. I never imagined it'd freak you out..."

"I was thinking I was gonna try to put some distance between us", the swordsman continued, determined to go to the end of his confession. "I didn't want to do anything specific, it was about breathing again, understanding what was happening to me and regaining control. I just thought after a while everything would be back to normal..."

"You should have told me, I'd have understood", the blond whispered. "If you had explained to me you wanted some space, I couldn't have said no. Even if I had been sad, at least I wouldn't have felt so rejected and humiliated..."

"I know", the fencer whispered back. "I know words are important to you but... I didn't see how to talk to you without being a perfect idiot. I didn't know how to react to these strange feelings you were awakening in me. I blamed you and I blamed myself for not being in control of my own mind. I thought I was going to lose the only goal I ever set myself so when you kicked me out, I thought it was my chance to get back to normal."

"Yeah..."

Sanji took a long drag of his cigarette. He had felt this confusion at the start of their relationship too and he had to open his eyes and accept what he was feeling to get rid of it. If this idiot's problem was that he was discovering his feelings and didn't know how to behave towards them, they'd never finish arguing on such a sensitive topic.

"And what changed tonight, a revelation? Did you manage to put your feelings somewhere they don't bother you?"

The cook had spoken in a low voice.

"I tried and I trained a lot but it doesn't work", the fencer bitterly admitted. "Truth is I don't like being so dependent on these things but I can't ignore it either. And it pisses me off."

"Can you explain to me why you'd like us to do this again then?" the blond grinded.

"Because I can't fight it that way, it doesn't work for me. So at least I wanna enjoy it."

Sanji smirked.

"This is the lamest love declaration I've ever heard."

"This isn't a love declaration!" the swordsman immediately flushed.

"Exactly."

The cook then sighed before finishing his cigarette and crushing it in the ashtray on the bar. In the process, he lit another one.

"In short, you want your cake and eat it too..."

Zoro shrugged. He wasn't sure this expression suited his thoughts perfectly.

"I just wanna start from scratch. I'm gonna train so that I don't let things get out of hand."

"This isn't an opponent you can hurt with your swords, Zoro", the blond got annoyed. "What will keep you from reacting differently from the last time, huh?"

"I want it to be different", the fencer claimed with determination. "I was surprised but I'm ready now."

"You can't make it, marimo."

Zoro stared at him, clearly surprised, and Sanji diligently dragged on his cigarette.

"You can't win against your own feelings. You only learn to recognize them and live with them."

As the fencer was looking at him with incomprehension, he clarified his thought.

"You wanna get our old relationship back, the one where your feelings weren't strong enough to disturb you. But this relationship doesn't exist anymore. You said it yourself, it changed, we changed. We can't go back. It's like when this whole story started", he added. "I wanted to forget what we did but you pointed out to me it was impossible and you were right. It's the same today."

Not giving him time to reply, Sanji fixed his hard gaze on his. Zoro needed to understand.

"This isn't a fight like you're used to, marimo, and I'm not a tool you can use to become the best swordsman in the world. This relationship may help you but that shouldn't be its purpose. It's even likely to be more difficult than expected with it. And most importantly, if you keep changing your mind about it every day, you can be sure you won't reach your goal and this relationship will never work."

The fencer frowned. He was realizing tonight how their feelings were drawing from the depths of their beings and how easily they could destroy everything they had patiently built. He was also feeling that Sanji knew the subject better than he did so he wanted to trust him but what he was promising was far from enticing.

"Is there any advantage then? Are we just doomed to suffer?" he asked him.

The cook put his cigarette out.

"There are. As high as the disadvantages."

"How do you know?"

Sanji tensed up before grabbing his pack of cigarettes, a distant look in his eyes.

"I was content for a long time with novels and poems which described the thing well enough and then I tested it. With you, marimo. The stupid feeling of being invincible because it was me that you had chosen among all the others. The dripping joy when you did me the honor of speaking instead of keeping everything to yourself. The silly desire to share this relationship forever... until you throw me into the ocean with a weight."

The swordsman just watched him for long seconds in return and the blond shook his head, embarrassed.

"What I mean is... What you were feeling and made you panic can give you wings. But first you have to accept to go through all these emotional peaks and it's not always fun, that I guarantee it. You feel vulnerable sometimes..."

Zoro carefully considered the answer as the cook was opening his lighter again.

"Is it worth it?" the fencer asked.

Sanji took the time to take a deep breath on his new cigarette and to blow out his smoke before meeting the gaze of his crewmate.

"I'd have tended to say yes before but to be honest, today, I have no fucking idea", he placidly admitted.

A few silent minutes slowly passed. The cook's mind was running at full speed as he was taking drags from his cigarette. He couldn't believe he was so quietly discussing a possible new future with the swordsman when he had made him suffer so much. Yet he was feeling that Zoro was sincere in his approach. He was lost and he was reacting like the oyster he had always been: by withdrawing into himself.

"Anyway, we'd have to trust each other for it to work so we should take the time to think about it", he finally whispered, standing up.

"Okay."

The blond headed for the door before turning one last time towards his crewmate.

"This is a serious decision, Zoro", he said in a firm voice. "For you and for me. Whether or not we decide to do it, we'll have to stick to it. If we stop, that means we get over it in every way. If we're doing this, we'll have to fucking hang on 'cause it might get rough."

The swordsman calmly fixed his gaze on his and nodded in agreement. He was ready to take all decisions that would be necessary to be true to himself and that way, to be up to his dream.

I really hope you liked it!

At the time, I almost cut this chapter in half because he was much longer than usual, but there is going to be more suspense so...