Chapter 34: A Whole New Light

Bucky wasn't entirely sure if they were meeting Saturday morning, but he was awake and ready just in case.

About ten until six, he heard the tell tale signs through the walls. Though Mika was trying her best to be quieter than usual (Nicoletta likely asleep next to her), he could still hear her going through her apartment, getting ready for the morning. He grabbed an extra jacket to keep out the winter winds before stepping out into the hallway, taking his usual spot leaning against the wall to wait. She was right on time, slipping out of her apartment just as the hour turned. She gave him a warm smile, her eyes still slightly heavy from sleep. She'd attempted to tame her hair into a long ponytail, but it was slightly messed, likely from the multiple layers she'd donned to try and stave off the cold. For a moment his brain paused; he'd seen her countless times first thing in the morning, but now he found himself distracted by how soft the skin of her cheek looked in the low hall lights, how her movements were just a little bit lazier, more comfortable, than when she was more awake. She was so pretty. How did he not realize before how pretty she was?

She was giving him an expectant look, and he felt the back of his neck heat up with chagrin. She'd clearly said something, but he'd been too distracted and didn't hear it. He cleared his throat and shook his head to clear the fog. "Come again?" he asked, and a wicked smirk appeared on her face, though it wasn't as wide as usual. She must be tired from staying out with her sister.

"I said, I'm surprised that you're home this morning." she said, her tone light and teasing. She held out the customary cup of coffee that she always brought. "Clearly you need this."

"Got home around the usual time last night." he replied, though he wasn't exactly sure what he was trying to explain. She made a disbelieving noise and the smirk never left her face, even as she walked past him to go down the stairs.

"You would try to avoid a walk of shame." she said, her voice low and taunting. His brows pinched together as he tried to translate her phrase; sure, he'd taken many long walks home in shame before, usually when he and Steve had spent their train money on something superfluous. But based on her inflection, that was not the intended meaning.

"Didn't realize walking was shameful." he said, figuring that was the safest response to avoid ridicule. Well, more ridicule than usual. She glanced back at him, and he had to stop himself from reaching out to make sure she stayed steady on the stairs. Why was she always trying to turn around while walking on the stairs? Did she want to trip and tumble down the fifteen flights?

"Only when it's the morning after a night of lustful passions." she said dramatically, turning and wiggling her eyebrows to make her point. Again, did she want to fall to her death here? It took him a moment to realize her meaning, and why she was making the joke in the first place.

"Ah, you mean my leaving with Claire last night." he said as the pieces fell into place. She made an exaggerated face of understanding, making fun of his delayed response. She patted his shoulder as the exited the building, and while he hoped she would tuck her arm around his, he was disappointed as she stuffed her hands into her coat pockets instead. He didn't dare reach out for her, but he managed to step just a bit closer as they walked, pleased when she moved next to him as the breeze blew by them.

"That's exactly what I mean. I'm proud of you, finally branching out and having a little fun." she said. He couldn't help but let out a low chuckle; she still believed him capable of a casual tryst? Clearly he was hiding his feelings even better than he thought. At least from her. According to her sister, they were plain as day. It was just as well; it didn't matter who thought they knew about the stirrings of his heart, as long as he didn't lose Mika in light of it.

"Nothing happened." he stated, feeling the need to tell her this, to reassure that he did not have eyes for any other woman. Maybe he was not bold enough to express how he felt, but he also did not want her to think he had other interests. For a split second, her expression changed, but it was gone too quick for him to decipher it. It was replaced with a vaguely annoyed look.

"Bucky, I promise, losing your virginity is not as scary as it sounds." she chided, the corner of her mouth quivering as she tried to appear serious. He did roll his eyes at this; between the old jokes and the virgin jokes, she was having entirely too much fun.

"Still not a virgin." he deadpanned, the ghost of his past self offering him many flirtations to attach to the assertion: I promise; want me to prove it to you?; let me show you. He swallowed all of them down; though they often shared bawdy jokes, this time it meant something, at least to him.

"So, what, you just...walked her home?" she asked, and he couldn't tell if she sounded confused or astounded. The truth was, that was exactly what he'd done. Granted, Claire had also made a comment about jealousy with an extended look at Mika, but he decided to leave that part of the story out.

"Her new boyfriend was supposed to meet her there, but got caught up at work. She said she was waiting before going to his apartment building because it's in an area that makes her nervous. So, yea, just walked her home." he explained, looking down at the sidewalk instead of at her. She let out a sigh, and at first he thought she was annoyed with him, but she was smiling when he finally looked back up at her.

"You're a sweetheart, you know that?" she said, finally taking her hand and holding onto his arm, leaning against him. He felt like his heart stopped for a moment before picking up again with renewed fervor, its pace sending a warmth through his veins that he hadn't felt in a long time. He knew it was selfish, to keep her this close and take advantage of her affection when she likely didn't return his sentiments, but he didn't want to let her go. The past few weeks he'd been playing a meticulous game, trying to make sure his mannerisms were exactly the same as before his epiphany. But that was one thing he couldn't shake: her physical affection, something he'd grown used to, was now something he found himself actively seeking. Luckily, she didn't seem suspicious.

"Wouldn't describe myself like that." he replied, his mouth dry at the compliment. The fact that she could call him that in light of his past, which she actually knew about, completely astounded him. Sure, she didn't know the details, but she knew enough. She knew more than anyone.

"Of course you wouldn't. That's why you have me." she said, giving his arm a squeeze. Maybe it was just because of the cold, but he thought she was a little bit closer than usual. Or perhaps that was just his own wishful thinking. She looked pensive for a moment before continuing, "Are you sad that Claire is no longer single?"

"Not at all." he said, his answer quick and his voice confident. It was laughable, really, that he would be concerned about Claire's love life. Not that he would voice that, of course. He looked at her out of the corner of his eye, grinning. "Told you, not my type."

"Yea, yea, yea." she said, nodding her thanks as he opened the door for her. It was nice and warm in the gym, and automatically his layers became overwhelming. He peeled off his outermost layer as they walked across to the group exercise room, not wanting to wait until they were inside. The bikes in the corner were empty, and Bucky wondered if the changing seasons were enough to keep the little old ladies from their work outs. Mika flung her bag down onto the floor as they ducked into the room, removing her layers and depositing them in a pile next to it. On the other hand, Bucky carefully laid his things down, folding them and putting them in a neat stack. As he pulled off the last thermal, he spotted her exaggeratedly looking at his back, grinning mischievously.

"What, staring at my ass?" he asked as he put the last piece of clothing down. He meant it in jest, but he wasn't sure which answer he was actually looking for. She let out a bark of a laugh, surprised by the question.

"Trying to see where your secret tattoo is hiding." she responded, giving him a pointed look. The warmth that had been coursing through him was replaced by ice; he'd been hoping she would forget about the tattoo conversation, but he should have known better than that. Mika never forgot anything, especially the things he wanted her to. He could no longer lie to her about his past, but he didn't want to burden her with the pain he'd experienced. Most of the time she asked about his younger days, knowing that his later days were not ones he wanted to relive. She very rarely asked about his time after he fell from the train, and the few times she had, it had been on accident. Like what was happening with this conversation.

"You'll never see them." he responded, hoping to imply that they were hiding in private places. But of course, that was not what Mika heard.

"'Them'? Plural? How many do you have?" she asked, her eyebrows raised and her jaw dropped. Bucky inwardly grimaced; in his effort to try and avoid more questions, he'd simply just given her the run-around, trying to bide his time before the inevitable disclosure of the truth. He let out a sigh, and her expression wavered for second. She was starting to understand, starting to see that these pauses weren't him trying to translate his answer, but him trying to decide what to say in the first place. She took in a breath, and he knew she was going to back pedal, tell him that he didn't have to share if he didn't want to. She was going to try and protect him from the pain. But he didn't want to keep things from her. She was the only person he could be open with, the only person who knew some of the worst things about him and cared anyway.

"I used to have three." he said softly before clearing his throat, trying to be more confident in his answer. He rolled up his sleeves, giving his hands something to do. "The coat of arms for the 107th, here on my ribs. One of the dancers from the Captain America show, on my calf. And then Steve's star on my shoulder. They, uh, burned the first two off. Identifying factors and all." That was one of the least painful things they'd put him through, and the scars, while angry and red at first, were now smooth and silvery. They were so broad that they were barely noticeable, as opposed to the thick keloid scars from his deeper wounds.

She was making that face that made his stomach flip, the one that made him think she was heartbroken for him. "And the star?" she asked, trying to pretend that she was tough, just like him. He shrugged, moving his metal arm so that the plates of the shoulder clicked and the gears grinded.

"Not sure. It may still be under this thing." he replied. In actuality, he wasn't sure how much of his actual arm he had left. He remembered waking up to see them shaping the stump, but it was entirely possible that they'd removed the entirety of it when he'd been unconscious. His star had been small, smaller than the one they so brazenly painted on his prosthetic. The red thing glared at him every day, a cheap bastardization of the one he had before. But he found if he kept it covered up, he didn't think about it very often.

She rolled her lips in for a moment, trying to think of what to say. She ended up clearing her throat and saying lightly, "Guess we'll just have to get you some new ones, hm? I'm thinking dolphins on your low back."

"Only if you get a matching one." he replied, giving her a pointed look. Her sad face broke then, and she laughed lightly, shaking her head.

"Full of shit." she said, moving her arms back and forth to get some warmth into them. He didn't bother warming up; he knew he would be fine. She cocked her head to the side as she thought of something, her face warning him that she had another question. While he wasn't as nervous about her questions as before she knew everything, it still made his heart quicken. Or perhaps it was just because he had her full attention. "Hey, how much do you hold back?"

"What?" he asked, confused by her question. Did she mean his thoughts? His reactions? His memories? Because that was a fair amount. He used to be loud, boisterous, outgoing. Now...well, he wouldn't describe himself as a shell of his former self anymore, but he was definitely more reserved. She gestured between them.

"During our sparring. How much do you hold back?" she asked. Oh, physically? That was also a fair amount. Though her skills improved with each session they had, and her strength had certainly increased since their initial lessons, there was no way she could handle it if he didn't control his body.

"Approximately seventy-five percent." he replied, knowing that the answer was going to hurt her feelings but unwilling to lie to her. He wanted to give her confidence, yes, but not at the sacrifice of her safety. Granted, if she were to take on a normal, non-enhanced man of his height and build, there was an eighty-nine percent chance she would win. But he was not normal.

"You hold back seventy-five percent?!" she exclaimed, and sure enough, she looked dismayed. His mind whirred as he tried to figure out how to remedy the situation, what to say to make her realize that it wasn't because she was so weak, but that he was scientifically engineered to be so strong. He waved with his metal arm, the plates sliding and clicking with the gesture.

"You realize I can throw a car with this, right?" he deadpanned, tucking his hand in his pocket. He had before, at least. Just not recently. Her eyes widened as his words registered.

"A car?!" she said, her mouth gaping. He shrugged, not knowing what to say. Throwing a car hadn't even been that difficult, and part of him wondered exactly what the strength parameters were with the prosthesis. Her expression changed, and she continued, "Okay, without the metal arm, what percent do you hold back?"

Well he couldn't just ignore the metal arm; as much as he hated it, it was part of him. And though he didn't want to admit it, it was useful at times. He could feel his brows pinching together as he thought. "Forty, perhaps? Maybe fifty?" he eventually decided on those numbers, though they were the roughest of estimates. She looked more satisfied with this answer, nodding her head and moving her legs to warm up a little more.

"Go all out. Just once." she said, putting her hands on her hips in a powerful pose. He let out a brief laugh, shaking his head.

"Absolutely not." he replied immediately. He did not need to take that risk of hurting her. She didn't realize what she was asking. She stepped up to him, closer than usual, closer than ever except when she'd given him that brief kiss on her birthday (the kiss that sometimes kept him up at night).

"What if I dare you to?" she said challengingly. He gave her an unamused look. He was the most feared assassin in the past fifty years. He did not get dared.

"Not going to happen." he stated. He tried to put the same quiet confidence in his words as usual, but he was having trouble breathing with her so close. Most of the time, his feelings were on the back burner at a steady simmer. There he could keep them, and Mika be none the wiser. But moments like these, where she was so close that he could count the freckles across her nose and smell the flowers of her shampoo, he forgot that he was hiding it from her. He tried to lick his lips, but his mouth had gone dry. And she had no idea.

"What about like, 90 percent?" she asked, her gaze still steady and unwavering. She was so bold, so certain he wouldn't hurt her, and he wondered for the thousandth time how she managed to trust him so much and so unwaveringly. He was about to tell her no once again, but she tried to surprise by swinging towards his ribs. He caught her hand easily, spinning her so that her back was against his chest and his arm around her neck. He hadn't even removed his metal hand from his pocket. He could feel the beat of her heart, feel her chest as it rose and fell with her breath. Her body was pressed against him, making his heart stop and the ghosts of memories past move in the back of his mind. He could feel his grip loosen, just a hair. He liked holding her, wanted to, but not like this.

Luckily, Mika proved to be a wonderful student and took advantage of his momentary distraction, taking his arm in both of her hands and shifting her hips. With a speed that surprised him, she lowered her center of gravity and twisted her hips as she pulled, sending him over her shoulder and flat onto the mat. He laid spread eagle, staring at the lights of the room as Mika whooped and hollered in her victory, dancing around the room. She was making fun of him, he was sure of it, but he couldn't bring himself to understand her words. He wanted to laugh, honestly. This was what happened, when he had feelings again? He supposed it could be worse. She laid down next to him, resting her head on his arm and making his heart stop again. He tried to restart it, figuring his brain needed the blood if he was going to actually try and converse with her.

"Forty percent my ass." she said with a grin. He rolled his eyes, putting his metal hand over his eyes in an effort to both hide his face and cool it from the fiery embarrassment creeping over his cheeks. She poked the bit of his cheek that wasn't covered by his hand, unable to hold back her giggles. "Oh, don't pout. It's your own fault for training me so well."

"I hate myself right now." he said. That was all he could get out, as he was once again drowning in the warmth of her skin and the smell of her shampoo. She laughed, rolling off of him and standing back up. She grabbed his hand, helping him back to a standing position. Her hand was soft, so much softer than his. Even though it had been almost six months since the warehouse fire, his hands were still calloused from the manual labor he did there. But she didn't shy away from his touch, or his presence. He thought he would get used to having these feelings, that they would fade to a manageable level, a level that didn't make him want to simultaneously hold her to his chest or throw her across the room. But every day that they spent together only seemed to add more fuel to the fire - not a huge amount, not barrels of gas or redwood sized logs, but twigs and kindling, enough to keep the flames dancing, enough to steadily build it. One of these days, he was afraid it was going to consume him.

"You're just too good of a teacher. Now come on, teach me something new." she replied, getting in her ready stance. He grinned, beckoning her to try and take him on once again. Fighting was about the only thing he could do without becoming completely undone around her. And, she was actually becoming pretty good. Really good. Good enough that maybe he would have to start trying a little harder one of these days.

Sometimes he thought about telling Mika how he felt, but then he remembered who he was, and what he'd done. He was lucky enough for her to still be his friend, and if he confessed romantic inclinations towards her, that could change everything between them. She likely didn't return these feelings, and he didn't think he could handle what would happen afterwards. What if it made her so uncomfortable that she stopped speaking to him? Or, even worse, what if she did feel the same way? He didn't know how to date anymore, how to be in a relationship. He barely knew how to be a person, a friend. No, he would only end up breaking both of their hearts. It was best to keep these things to himself.

The walk back after their yoga session was somehow colder, likely thanks to the sweat they'd built up that morning. Bucky didn't mind; it meant that Mika hugged his arm a little closer in an effort to steal his body heat. He still knew it wasn't safe to be close to her, and knew he may not ever tell her about what was in his heart, but he selfishly wanted to keep her close. They were walking in silence, taking in the early morning sun and the clear skies. For the first time, Romania truly felt like home.

He turned to her, remembering something that happened the day before. "I didn't know you could speak Russian." he said, keeping his tone light. He'd been shocked to hear the new language yesterday, thinking she only knew Romanian and English. Plus, he hadn't planned to hear Russian again for a very long time. He felt guilty, hating an entire language so much. But it was a language that had only been used to hurt him, and it was ugly, even coming from Mika's beautiful face. She turned to him, her cheeks pink from the cold.

"Oh, yea. Took it in college. I was originally supposed to take Japanese, but it was all full so...Russian it was." she said nonchalantly. "Do you speak it too?" she asked him, her Russian accented by her Romanian roots. He couldn't hide the wince as she spoke it again.

"Unfortunately." he said in Romanian, refusing to let the Slavic language touch his tongue again. Her steps slowed, and she looked at him with a confused gaze. He looked away from her, instead watching their feet as they continued down the street. "That's...I heard it, most often." He didn't want to tell her about the words, about the commands, about ready to comply.

"Oh." she said lamely, unsure what to do with the second bomb he'd dropped on her that morning about his past. She wanted to smack herself; it was definitely easier to ask questions and talk about things now that there were no secrets between them, but that meant that she asked a lot more questions that were accidentally intrusive. She hugged his arm a little tighter, trying to think of another question to ask. "So how many languages do you speak, hm?"

"Eight." he answered shortly, making her laugh incredulously. Who had the time to learn that many languages? Luckily she quickly realized that that was the wrong thing to follow up with, and instead decided to go with the more obvious choice.

"What?! Okay, so what are they?" she asked. She was impressed, as she was by almost every little bit of himself that he decided to share with her. He was the strongest, smartest person she knew, by far. Affection for him bloomed in her chest, and she found herself very happy that he was her friend. He smiled, then, thinking for a second before answering her.

"English. Russian. Romanian. German." he ticked off, naming the most obvious ones first. He then continued, "French, Spanish, Japanese, and Greek."

"Quite an array." she said, completely dazzled by the list. How did he keep everything straight in that head of his? It was so hard for her to switch from one language to another, but he did it flawlessly, seamlessly. He didn't seem to realize how incredible he was.

"It comes in handy." he agreed, giving her a grin. Good, so they'd deflected from the painful memories. She was getting better at that. They both knew that at some point he would have to deal with the trauma from his past, but she wasn't going to pressure anything, and he wasn't going to overextend himself. That was fine. They could deal with things as they came. "Especially when I need to talk shit about you to your sister."

"I knew it! I knew you two were being mean." she exclaimed, pushing him away as hard as he could. He barely moved, but there was enough space between them for the cold breeze to slip in, feeling even more icy the places where she'd been holding on to him. It cooled her fake anger, and she immediately grabbed him again. He laughed as they scanned into the building, neither confirming nor denying her accusation.

The apartment was quiet when they got there, but Mika was pleasantly surprised to find Nicoletta already awake, sprawled across her bed and checking the notifications on her phone. "Good morning! You two are back sooner than I thought." she said, rolling a full turn so she was closer to the foot of the bed.

"You're awake sooner than I thought." she responded, letting go of the doorknob and stepping back towards the kitchen. "Bucky's here, do you want some breakfast?"

"Of course!" she replied, practically bounding out of the bed in her flannel pajamas. She sauntered into the kitchen, giving Bucky a warm embrace to start the day. Mika couldn't help but smile at the interaction, seeing how he was so at ease with her sister. She hoped he was happy; he certainly seemed happy. After everything that he'd been through, no one deserved a good life more than Bucky. His gaze drifted to hers for a moment, and she felt that burning behind her sternum again as he gave her an easy smile.

"You know, you can cook for us if you like, Nicoletta." she pointed out, grabbing her laptop and bringing it to the kitchen island. She plugged a cable into it, then turned to Bucky with her hand out. "Here, let me see your phone. It needs updates."

"Thank you." he replied, handing the device to her. She plugged it in and started getting to work on the software updates and new security software. Not that she didn't trust the built in ones - she just trusted hers more.

"Do you want coffee?" Nicoletta asked from in front of the machine. Mika shook her head, her gaze going back to the screen in front of her. She still hadn't answered the question about food, but Mika knew she would give in eventually. She was not one for just toast and coffee in the morning.

"No thank you, I'll get some tea in a minute." she replied, typing in the necessary codes for the software to work. She tried to disable the new tracking thing she was trying out (since she tended to lose her own phone), but the computer was ignoring her request. She figured since the software was still in beta and her computer was the only thing that could work it, it would be okay. It wouldn't impair his phone's function, and that was what mattered.

"How long are you staying?" Bucky asked, making light conversation as he helped Nicoletta pull out a pan and a cutting board. Mika watched them for a moment, loving how carefree he seemed. He didn't even flinch when Nicoletta picked up a knife and started slicing ham.

"Just until tomorrow. This was a quick weekend to hold us over until Christmas." she replied. "What would you like in your omelette?"

"Oh, I'm fine, thank you." he said quietly, taking a sip from his cup of coffee. Mika looked away as he glanced at her, pretending to be entranced by her computer screen and not creeping on their interaction. "Hopefully Christmas will be a longer trip?"

"No omelette?" she asked, eyebrows perked. Mika understood her confusion - who turned down free, homemade food? "And it will be. Do you go home for Christmas?"

"I have work in a couple hours, I'll likely eat there." he explained, and Mika heard him opening the cabinet for something. "I'll be staying here for Christmas."

"What? No! You should come with us!" Nicoletta exclaimed, putting down her knife and abandoning the food. Bucky and Mika both looked at her, surprised. Mika would love for Bucky to be there for Christmas, but knew that it would really piss her mother off to have another guest for the night. Nicoletta met her eyes and gave her a mischievous smirk. Perhaps it would be good, to give her mother a bit of a surprise. Plus, maybe Bucky would be able to mediate the arguments better than her sister.

"I couldn't possibly-" he started to turn her down, an expression on his face that Mika couldn't quite figure out. Nicoletta interrupted him before he could continue.

"Nonsense. Christmas is to be spent together. You're coming with us, no if's, and's, or but's." she said shortly, wiping her hands on a towel and walking back towards the bedroom, calling back, "Right, Mika?"

"You heard her." Mika said, finally looking up to see that Bucky was holding out a cup of tea for her. His eyes were serious, so serious, as he looked into hers. Her breath caught for a moment, and she almost forgot that she was supposed to actually take the cup from him. She reached up, their fingers brushing as she grasped the mug.

"As you wish." he said softly, giving her his trademark half-grin and lingering for just a moment. She blinked, her heart beating extra hard in her chest. Mika took a careful sip of the tea; somehow, he'd made it just the way she liked it. He gave her a smile, and she felt something shift. It was small, such a small gesture and a small instance, but she felt like she was seeing everything in a new light. Her sister returned then, dressed to go out into the elements and effectively ruining whatever moment they were having. Her heart deflated slightly as he turned away.

"Come on, Bucky, you and I are going on an adventure before you go to work." she explained, pulling on more layers by the door. Mika was confused, and also slightly alarmed. No, they couldn't leave right now. She was right in the middle of a revelation.

"Where are we going?" she asked, going to grab her own jacket. Nicoletta snatched it from her, returning it to its home on the hook. "Whoa, am I not invited?"

"Nope. It's going to be a surprise." she said, pulling a hat over her honey waves. Bucky looked uncertain, but not uncomfortable. Mika turned to him for support, trying to ignore the painful thump that her heart gave as his eyes met hers again. He gave her a shrug and the same grin, as if to say, what can you do? He turned back to her sister before she could say anything to him.

"Where are we going?" he questioned, pulling on his outerwear once again. Nicoletta smiled widely, hooking her elbow around his as she pulled him out into the hallway.

"We are going shopping." she replied. That was the last Mika heard as the door shut behind them, leaving her alone in the empty apartment. The tea was still warm in her hands, and since she didn't know what to do, she took another sip of it. Still perfect. She paced around the apartment, trying to replay everything that happened that morning, that week, that year. All the little touches, all the little moments. She thought about everything that had lead up to this point in their friendship. Did he...did she...oh. Uh oh. The conclusion hit her so hard, she stopped her pacing and stood still in the middle of the living room.

Yep. She had feelings for Bucky.

Now both players have the same ideas! Uh oh! Will they tell each other? Won't they? Who knows! Just kidding lads, I know. And it'll be soon!

Thank you so so so much for all the amazing reviews? I know I probably sound repetitive but it literally fuels my soul to hear y'all's feelings about this story. I'm in love with it, and I love hearing how you love it.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Let me know what y'all think!

-XM