Chapter 46: Fair/Unfair
Fuck, did it always hurt this much to wake up?
Bucky bit back a groan as he regained consciousness, his mind a mess and his head pounding from the confusion and...the fight. He couldn't remember the details yet, but he knew what this feeling meant. He'd been in a fight, and a big one. He tried to take inventory of his body, to see exactly what was hurt; there were definitely bruises, perhaps a couple broken ribs, and his shoulder was definitely injured, but he would live. He always lived. My name is Bucky, he thought, the beginning of his morning mantra coming to him. Thank God that, despite all the other conditioning he'd endured, this one also stuck. I live in Bucharest…
But wait, he wasn't in Bucharest. He was in...Germany. Berlin. The details of the morning came back to him, the freshest memories he had that weren't from the Soldier. He let out a sigh, his anger at recent events overshadowed by his disappointment in himself. He thought he was better than that, stronger than that. He thought he was strong enough to overcome the training they'd put in his head, but apparently its roots were deeper in his mind than he could ever imagine. He'd been stupid, so stupid, to think that he'd ever be rid of it. He was just glad that Mika wasn't here to see him at his lowest. His mind tingled then, a memory trying to formulate. He'd been thinking of Mika, before that asshole who definitely was not a psychologist used the words. Is that why he felt this way? His heart hurt, to think of her. It was debatable before if he'd ever be able to see her again, but now thanks to a reappearance of the Winter Soldier, he knew that his time with her was over. There was no way he could go back to her, knowing he was still a danger, and there was no way she would still want him, knowing how unstable he was. If he thought his heart hurt before, that thought was enough to break it.
"Hey, Cap!" someone called, and he immediately grew still. He didn't know that voice. Footsteps sounded from somewhere in the warehouse; he knew the sounds of those. Seemed Steve was just as stubborn as he'd been back in the 1940's. He tried to sit up, but his body hurt, and his metal arm was pinned under a clamp of some sort. He couldn't bite back the groan as he moved, cursing the Soldier in his mind. That mother fucker never cared about injuries, and now Bucky was paying the price for it.
"Steve." he greeted as the other man came into view. His voice was more of a weak whisper as he realized how many of his ribs were broken, a deeper breath revealing that his sternum was also cracked. It took him a second to recognize him, but he did. The memories that he worked so hard to reclaim started slowly falling into place, though there were still huge gaps. Most notably, he could not remember the time after the words. He didn't try hard to think of that.
"Which Bucky am I talking to?" Steve asked, using his Captain voice. If he wasn't in danger of puncturing a lung, he might have laughed at the dramatics. He had to admit it was a fair question, even if he still wanted to ignore the side of him that they'd obviously encountered earlier. He couldn't just say it was himself, that he was back in his own mind. That was a tactic that the Soldier would use, an easy lie to tell to hopeful ears. He had to prove it.
"Your mom's name was Sarah." he said. It was the first thing he could remember about Steve. The look on the man's face said he was unimpressed; after all, that was something he could have read in the museum, and he'd already admitted to that. He tried to rifle through his chaotic brain and find something else, anything else. Another tidbit came to him, and he chuckled. Of course that would be the first thing he thought of. "You used to wear newspaper in your shoes." He'd always wanted to be as tall as Bucky, and now he had a couple inches on him.
Steve's face changed. "Can't read that in a museum." he said, and as ridiculous as this situation was, Bucky was glad that he could see it was him. He didn't want to fight him again. He didn't want to fight anymore at all.
"Just like that, we're supposed to be cool?" Steve's friend said, his voice rightly annoyed. Bucky would have asked the same question, back in the day. He wouldn't trust himself either in this situation - in fact, he still wasn't sure he did. After all, he could clearly still be manipulated by the words that Hydra buried in his head, and his mind was still fragile from the asshole earlier.
"What did I do?" he asked, and he could hear in his own voice how tired he sounded. He needed to know exactly how bad it was, exactly who he hurt. He would add it to the list of things for which he needed to atone. Why had they been chasing him again? He couldn't remember. God, his head hurt.
"Enough." Steve said, and what was left of his broken heart descended into his stomach. His mind was still meddled, but he knew he'd been hopeful at one point. What little he had before was now gone.
"Oh God, I knew this would happen." he murmured, more to himself than anyone. The possibility was always in the back of his mind, and while he'd hoped that time would heal the wounds, the nightmares and the flashbacks told a different story that he'd stubbornly ignored. But now he couldn't deny it. "Everything Hydra put inside me is still there. All he had to do was say the goddamn words."
"Who was he?" Steve asked immediately, making Bucky bristle. In the past few hours he'd been chased from his home, plunged into the darkest aspect of his mind, and ripped out again, leaving every piece of him broken. And he wanted to know who that asshole was?
"I don't know." he said, angry and desperate. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. He was supposed to be free of this shit, he was not supposed to be here. For the first time in a long time, Bucky felt everything was royally and entirely unfair. But fairness didn't matter. What mattered was that he'd fucked up again, this time possibly beyond repair.
"People are dead," Steve continued, as if that was going to help the situation. Of course people were dead, if the Soldier had been out. Bucky was very painfully aware of that, thank you. "The bombing, the setup - the doctor did all that just to get ten minutes with you. I need you to do better than 'I don't know.'"
Well shit, Stevie, is what he wanted to say. But that wasn't going to help the situation. Perhaps, if he cooperated, they would let him go. Maybe, if he just went along with what they needed, they would help him escape so that he could go live the rest of his days in solitude. He'd had a backup place...Bucharest? No, that's where he had been. His mind still scrambled as he tried to remember. Croatia, that's where he needed to go.
He ignored the pain in his head as he tried to remember the moment after the activation, what the asshole had wanted. He hadn't commanded him a task straight away. They'd stood for about five minutes. What had they discussed? He'd asked about a mission report, a mission report for…
"He wanted to know about Siberia." Bucky realized. But why had he wanted to know about Siberia? Siberia was where the cold room was, where the machine slept, where he slept. That's it, he'd wanted to know about the home that wasn't his home anymore. "Where I was kept. He wanted to know exactly where."
"Why would he need to know that?" Steve asked, and once again his voice was stern. Bucky furrowed his brows, stars twinkling in front of his eyes as he pushed past the pain and tried to remember the next bit, to remember what the asshole had said, to try and figure out why he would care about Siberia. His heart, which couldn't drop any lower, stopped completely as he realized the motive.
"Because I'm not the only Winter Soldier." he said. Steve stayed quiet, his hands on his hips as he waited for Bucky to continue. His friend (Bucky still didn't know his name), was pacing, his eyes sharp as he listened to the conversation. He was clearly a soldier as well, though didn't seem to be enhanced. Still, Bucky didn't know what he was hiding up his sleeve. "Look, can we…" he nodded at the clamp over his arm, though the movement sent another bolt of pain through him. He knew Steve's friend was right to be on edge, but that didn't help him relax any. And if they wanted him to remember shit, then he needed to be calm, not watching some guy wear a line in the floor while his only weapon was inaccessible. Steve nodded, pulling on a heavy gear that was mean to be turned by electricity and creating just enough space for Bucky to pull his metal arm free. Turned out the clamp was helping him stay upright, and he damn near collapsed against the metal. Neither Steve nor his friend moved to help him. Fair.
He remembered the mission report that the asshole asked for; December 16, 1991. The Soldier had been called upon to retrieve a suitcase with a serum inside, and to kill anyone who got in his way. He told Steve and his friend of the volunteers that Hydra had, how they'd screamed when the injection took hold. The ones that survived were stronger, faster, smarter than he was. He knew, even then, that they were better than him, and soon he would be obsolete. At the time, he'd accepted his death with the cold indifference with which he accepted everything else, and now he couldn't help but think it might have been better for them to decommission him at that time.
But the scientists had not been as thorough as they were when they made him. These soldiers, while better in every other way, were not as compliant with instructions. They retained too much of themselves, and discovered quickly that they could rebel. The scientists weren't always able to control them, and they ended up going rogue. Bucky was told to get a man out of there, and he did, locking the heavy iron prison behind them and not caring what end met those that were left behind. He did not know what happened to the other soldiers after that, as the machine and the cold room were moved to someplace in Canada. Bucky had not been back to Siberia since then.
"Who were they?" Steve asked. God, he forgot how many questions this idiot always had. He knew he was just gathering intel, but Bucky was tired, and hurt, and he just wanted to put this behind him. But he knew he had to tell him everything, had to make sure that somehow he was able to right the wrongs caused by his weakness. No one knew as much as he did, and no one except for him and Steve could take down the other soldiers if they were awoken.
"Their most elite death squad. More kills than anyone in Hydra history." Bucky explained. They were able to do bigger jobs than he ever was alone, and after he was tasked with training them, that would likely be his ending. He was the older model. "And that was before the serum." The serum had amplified everything bad about them, making them wild and unmanageable.
"They all turn out like you?" the friend asked, once again his tone betraying his annoyance at the situation. Brat.
"Worse." Bucky said shortly, sparing him an unamused glare. Steve seemed to sense the tension between them, and cut it off.
"The doctor, could he control them?" he asked, as if he knew how unstable they were. Before serum, they'd been on the verge of rebellion. Afterwards, they were filled to the brim with anger and violence, and were willing to lend their talents to the strongest commanding officer, the one that had the biggest job for them. They could smell weakness, and exploit it.
"Enough." Bucky replied, looking down at his hands. No matter how strong or fast or cunning he was, he could never keep up with all five of them. No one could. But they had to try, right? He thought of Mika again, a memory of the two of them holding hands as they walked back from...somewhere coming to him. He couldn't take a chance of the death squad finding her. Even if they did not remember him, even if they had no idea who she was, he could not risk them being in the same world as her.
"He said he wanted to see an empire fall." Steve said. Yes, Bucky remembered that part. He'd said it with such confidence, such conviction. He hadn't known then what it meant, and he didn't know now. But that didn't matter.
"With these guys, he could do it." he said, and out of all the information he was giving them, he was most certain about that. They did not seem to understand the gravity of this situation. If the asshole were to find them, activate them, release them, there's no telling the chaos he could create. "They speak thirty languages, can hide in plain sight...infiltrate, assassinate, destabilize. They can take a whole country down in one night, and you'd never see it coming."
That seemed to get their attention, and Steve's friend gestured for Steve to step out of the room so they could discuss. Bucky sat, running his metal thumb over his palm, the bite of it helping to ground him. The Soldier didn't feel pain, but he did. He could feel his bones trying to knit themselves back together, and he estimated about six hours until he would be back functioning at one hundred percent. He knew what he had to do, it was just a matter of waiting until they got on board with him.
They all stopped as the squeak of a far away door echoed through the huge, empty room, Steve and his friend appearing just as on edge as he felt. But they didn't hear the tell-tale clicks of guns and armor, or the dull thud of issued rubber boots. No, instead they heard the sound of leather-soled boots as someone tried (and failed) to move quickly and quietly. He knew those steps, but didn't believe what his ears were telling him. There was no way she could be here, no way she should be here-
"Who the hell is that?" the friend said, his posture changing as he readied for a fight. Steve also stood straighter, his hands flexing, and Bucky stood quickly despite all his aches and pains. His heart had started beating again, hard and fast against his fractured sternum. If he were alone, he would think he was hallucinating, but clearly the other two men heard it as well.
"Don't hurt her." Bucky said, catching himself against whatever it was that was holding him earlier. He could explain everything to them if they wanted, but he had to be sure of that first. Both of them turned to him, alarmed and confused. "She's...please. Leave her be."
"Who are you-" Steve started to say, but the footsteps sounded too near. He stopped himself midsentence, stepping back and letting Bucky limp towards the opening. Mika rounded the corner, her expression frantic as she scanned the room. She looked like a massive weight was removed from her as her eyes settled on his, and she ran across the room to launch herself into his arms. The hit hurt very badly, but he didn't care. He wrapped his right arm around her, holding her close and letting the scent of her hair and the feel of her skin against his help bring back the good memories. He had accepted never seeing her again and knew he should let go, knew he should send her back to Romania, but he just couldn't. She was crying into his shoulder, her words running together as she babbled into the cloth of his shirt. It took a moment for his brain to remember the other language, his thoughts running in circles as he tried to translate and eventually understood. She pulled back, her hands going to his cheeks as she took in his appearance.
"You're hurt." she said shortly. It wasn't a question, and he wondered what was on his face that told her that. She was right, of course, but she didn't need to know it.
"I'm alright." he said, his own throat tight with emotion. Even if he didn't remember every minute of their relationship together right now, he still remembered how strongly he cared for her, still knew that he would move heaven and earth for her, if she asked.
"You're not alright." she said, once again seeing right through his facade. How could she always do that?
"Okay seriously, who-" Steve's friend cut in, and Mika's eyes flew to him. With a strength that he was rather proud of, she shoved Bucky behind her, putting herself between him and the two other men. Again, he almost wanted to laugh; she was planning to protect him? Steve and the other guy changed their stance at her quick movements, not expecting any aggression from the pretty girl.
"Did you do this to him?!" she asked in Romanian, pointing an accusatory finger at them. They held their hands up, not understanding what she was asking. "I swear, if you hurt even one hair on his head-" she started to march towards them, but Bucky caught her around the waist, ignoring the pain in his body as he held her back.
"Look, I don't know who you are, or how you found us-" Steve's friend was obviously fed up, but Steve held a hand out in front of him, and he stopped himself with an angry huff. His eyes said he had more to say, but he kept his mouth shut.
"They're friends. It's okay." Bucky said in English, letting go of her once she stopped struggling against his hold. She was still eyeing the other two warily, waiting for them to make a move. Did she think she could take them in a fight? No. But she would fight tooth and nail when it came to Bucky. Steve took a step forward, his hands still raised in a symbol of peace.
"I'm Steve, this is Sam." Ah, so his friend did have a name. "And you are?"
"Mika." she said. Even if she knew who they were in theory (thanks to SHIELD documents) and knew they were supposed to be good guys, clearly something was going on. She didn't know how much information Bucky had given them, or how much he wanted to give them. And she didn't know how much she could get from them. Did they know who was looking for them? Or what they were saying?
"How did you find us?" he asked, his authority voice out again. Seems he was all business nowadays. Mika pulled her phone out of her pocket, showing a map with little blue and green blinking dots right next to each other. Bucky's hand fell to his pocket, feeling the familiar shape of his phone. How had it survived everything?
"Find My Friends." she said. As an aside, she added to Bucky in Romanian, "Told you the life-proof case was worth it."
"Yes, yes, you're always right." he muttered back. The gravity of everything settled on him, and he gently put his hand on her back. "Mika, you can't be here. It's too dangerous. You have to go back home."
"Absolutely not. I belong right here with you." she said sharply, and he almost believed her. But she needed to be safe, and anywhere near him was not safe. She looked like she had something to add, but Sam interrupted her.
"Uh uh, I don't like this." he said, gesturing between the two of them. "No secret conversations here."
"Right, sorry, it's a…" she paused, snapping her fingers and trying to remember the word in English she wanted. She turned to Bucky, muttering it real quick in Romanian.
"Habit." he said so that the other two could understand. Seemed she was a little rusty on the language.
"Yes, a habit." she said. The other men were still staring at her with vague confusion, but she didn't care. Whether they understood or not didn't matter to her. "So what happened? What's the plan now?"
"No. Absolutely not." Sam said, and while Bucky hadn't gotten the best first impression from him, he agreed with his statement. He couldn't risk Mika getting hurt.
"Absolutely yes." she said vehemently, and Bucky touched her arm again, garnering her attention.
"We need to get you somewhere safe." he said, and she looked at him for a long time. He idly wondered again if she could read minds.
"I have a safe place for us." she replied, meaning just the two of them. Bucky glanced at Steve and Sam, who were waiting for his response.
"I can't leave them. There's something...something I must do. Something I need to take care of." he said quietly. They were already wasting too much time; there was no telling how close the asshole was to waking the other soldiers, or what exactly he planned to do with them. They had to stop him, before Bucky could cause any more damage than had already been done.
"They're friends?" she asked, tilting her head towards Steve and Sam. He glanced their direction to find Steve staring confidently at them, and Sam looking like he'd just taken a bite of something unpleasant.
"Yes. They're friends." he replied. Perhaps they didn't know each other like they once did, but that didn't matter when someone was about to unleash hell. The enemy of my enemy is my friend.
"Then I have a place for all of us." she said, pulling her phone out again and stepping away from him. All three men wondered who she was calling, but only Bucky was able to put the pieces together.
"No, don't-" he started, but Mika stopped him with her hand on his chest.
"It'll be alright, I promise. You know she would be angry if we didn't." she said, turning away as her sister picked up the phone.
"Buck, we can't involve civilians in this." Steve said quietly. Sam hung back, his eyes periodically flicking over each of them. Bucky nodded.
"I know." he replied. He knew where they were going, and what waited for them there. And he knew Mika could not go with them. "What's the plan?"
"Sam knows someone that can help us. I have a few reinforcements up my sleeve as well." Steve said. Sam crossed his arms and watched Mika, as if he could understand any of the conversation she was having.
"Who is she talking to?" he asked, not looking away from her. Bucky didn't like that look. It wasn't cold, but it was certainly calculating.
"Her sister. She lives here in Berlin." Bucky explained. More pieces were falling into place now, the longer he was out of the ice. Steve shook his head.
"We can't involve anyone else." he said, and once again Bucky agreed. He didn't even want Mika involved in this, let alone Nicoletta.
"We'll just make sure Mika makes it to her, then we'll be on our way." he said. Once she was safe, then they could go to Siberia. Steve nodded, but Sam looked hesitant, and Bucky wondered if he was that quick to trust Mika. He glanced across the room, and his heart swelled at the sight of her, even if she was just talking quietly on the phone. Yes, he could see now how she could easily be trusted, he just hadn't expected Sam to do so. She finished her conversation, coming back to them.
"Nicoletta is expecting us. She recently moved, so her address is still listed in the city. Plus it seems her renting situation is a little...what's the phrase...below the table?" she said, once again trying to get her English correct. The statement wasn't entirely perfect, but they knew what she was trying to say.
"We can't ask Nicoletta for help." Bucky said, shaking his head. Mika looked affronted.
"We most certainly can. No offense, but you all look a mess. And I think a night of rest will do you good for what you have to do tomorrow." she said, crossing her arms. Bucky sighed, running a hand through his hair.
"Stubborn girl." he muttered, and she pinched the back of his arm in retaliation.
"Well I'm your stubborn girl." she said in Romanian before remembering that she was supposed to be speaking English. "Somebody has to look out for you."
"Sounds familiar." Steve said, one corner of his mouth quirking up with a smile. He heaved a sigh before getting his phone from his pocket. Sam looked between the two of them, trying to figure out what he'd missed.
"Wait, what's going on now?" he asked. He liked to be informed, Bucky could admire that.
"I'm seeing if we can get our gear. We're gonna need it." Steve replied, putting his phone to his ear and turning away. Sam still didn't look happy, but he could recognize when he was losing a battle. He took one look between Mika and Bucky before stepping away with Steve, giving them a moment alone.
"Are you okay? Really?" Mika asked, putting her hands on his shoulders. Now that she was with him, she was absolutely exhausted from her worry. She was so afraid that he would be lost - or worse. But he was here in front of her, in one piece and still breathing. His eyes dropped to her shoes, and he showed the vulnerability that he'd been hiding from Steve and Sam.
"No." he answered honestly, and took a deep breath. Yep, those ribs were still very broken. "Everything is still blank...but I've been through worse."
She put her hands on his cheeks, tears forming in her eyes again. "I'm so sorry this happened, Bucky." she said, and he breathed a laugh that wasn't humorous.
"I should be apologizing to you. I can't ask you to stay and help, Mika, this is too much." he said. His heart ached to see her so worried over him. He wasn't worth this, especially not after today.
"You don't have to. I'm here, and we're going to get through this together." she said, laying her forehead against his. Before he could reply, she continued, "And don't even say no. You know damn well you would do this for me. So I'm here to help, danger be damned. Besides, you left earlier when I had something very important to tell you."
He tried to remember the conversation earlier, but it was still foggy. "And what's that?" he asked. She smiled, but before she could respond, Steve interrupted them.
"Do you have a car?" he asked, and Bucky felt he was right in being annoyed at the disruption. Out of everything that went wrong today, he needed something to go right.
"Uh, yes. I do." she said, confused as to why he was asking.
"Good. We're going to need it." he said, his voice commanding. Mika raised her eyebrows.
"'Please'?" she asked, as if she were chastising a child. Sam and Steve both stared at her, and Bucky couldn't help but chuckle. If she was nervous around these super soldiers, she definitely wasn't showing it.
"Right. Can we please borrow your car?" Steve remedied, his tone much more gentle this time around. Mika smiled.
"Yes, you can." she said, pulling her keys from her pocket. "It's a few blocks over from here."
Bucky couldn't take his eyes off of her, consumed by his need to protect her. God, he loved her so much, and he deserved exactly none of her love in return. He still wondered if he was hallucinating, or if perhaps Mika was his guardian angel. At this point, that seemed the most logical answer, because even if he loved her, he hated himself right now. How she could stand all of this, he'd never know.
But he wasn't about to question it.
Y'all Civil War is seriously so stressful. Does anyone understand this movie? It's a mess, but hopefully this story isn't!
Thank you so much for the reviews! I'm glad y'all loved Nat and Mika cause honestly they're a brotp for sure. I know this chapter wasn't super exciting, but I hope y'all liked it anyways! Please let me know what you think!
-XM