'I'm fine.'
These are the two worst words someone can say. Behind every word is most likely a lie. They are anything but fine; it's far from the truth. It's the quickest and most generic response that allows you to keep your bottled up emotions stay hidden.
It's easy and it gives you a leeway to escape an emotional conversation. It's a front; it's a cover up; it's a mask. It was something I've been saying for awhile now.
Pyrrha asked if I was okay.
I responded with an I'm fine.
Weiss asked if I was okay.
I responded with an I'm fine.
Jaune asked if I was okay
I responded with an I'm fine.
Ren asked if I was okay.
I responded with an I'm fine.
Nora asked if I was okay.
Once again, I responded with an I'm fine.
Yang already knew I wasn't fine. She understood why. It was something that was out of her hands. Time can only fix it. The best she can do is give me her support and have me understand that she is always there when I need her. She didn't helicopter me, but she did watched me from the side.
Blake gave me a look that asked if I'm okay.
I looked at her and silently told her I'm fine. After, I raised my eyebrow and silently asked if she was okay. She gave me the same look that I gave her.
We both shared an I'm fine look. Obviously, we're both hypocrites. I wasn't exactly fine and she for some reason wasn't either. She had that look on her face — that distressful look. I didn't know why but she became more out of it ever since the night of the docks. She seemed more antisocial than ever. Perhaps more moody, but mostly quiet.
As a leader and a teammate, it would make sense to check on her — to make sure she's okay. But who am I to ask and who am I to judge? I became more out of it too at the night of the docks.
So... We didn't bother to probe because we knew we didn't want to dive into it. It was mutual, something we didn't want to talk about. Despite me being reluctant on that thought, I left it alone. Probably not the best decision, but I'm not in any position.
But there was one person who was adamant and loved to ask if I'm okay.
And that was Weiss.
"Ruby, are you okay?"
We were in class sitting side by side as Professor Port handed back one of our tests. To my defense, I didn't think my change in mood was that noticeable unlike Blake's. Sure I was lost in thought plenty of times, but I thought I hid it well.
I was good at hiding things like my identity for example.
"I'm fine." I answered her. I lost count of the times I have said it, but Weiss was starting to see through the fine cracks. Professor Port passed me my test and I winced at the letter grade I received.
"You failed..." Weiss looked over to my test.
"Yep." I stated as a matter of fact. I crumbled my test into a paper ball and tossed it into my backpack. Weiss probably aced the test with flying colors.
"Ruby, you never failed one of his test."
It was true. This was a first. I typically pass with flying colors or at least get class average. I wasn't dumb. I held more wisdom than most students here so I knew more about combat and monsters. Failing one of his test said a lot.
"I didn't study." When it left my mouth, I remembered how poor of an excuse that was.
"You were studying in front of me."
She was right. But staring at a book for endless hours and mindlessly turning the page was different than studying.
"I..." I couldn't answer. I blanked out when I tried to think of another excuse.
Nothing came to mind. Whatever I thought of would admit that something was bugging me. I wouldn't be able to squeeze my way out of it and I knew Weiss was perceptive.
"Ruby." I knew that look on her face. "Are you —"
"I'm fine." I cut her off. Class already ended and I slugged my backpack to one side of my shoulders. I heard her sighing behind me, but I left it. I was quite stubborn and she started to realize that too. "Let's go to our next class."
Combat class was next on our schedule. Professor Goodwitch had us sparring with our own partners again. So like good students, Weiss and I sparred.
Blake and Yang sparred a distance away from us; however, Blake didn't seem to be doing too hot against Yang. It was another oddity because she would at least put up a good fight. But just glimpsing at her, she wasn't fairing too well.
Yang noticed it too. It couldn't escape from her eyes.
Under that layer of humor, she is just as perceptive as Weiss.
"You're distracted." Weiss thrusted her rapier towards me.
I staggered back when I marginally blocked her attack with my scythe.
"You're over exaggerating."
She lunged at me and our weapons crossed in a stalemate. We held our weapons there for a long time, neither of us pushing back to release our deadlock.
"Am I?" Her eyes intently gazed into mine and stubbornly held it there much like our weapons.
She gave me that look that I was too familiar with. She was studying me... Not analyzing my fighting style. It was more along the lines of reading into me, searching for something far deeper and more complicated.
I darted my eyes away.
"Yes," I answered her.
We broke off our standoff and swung our weapons much faster. Weiss was capable of keeping up with me in combat as she understood how I fought. She knew there was a certain way I pivot my body and she knew how I like to move my feet and my arms.
Blows after blows our weapons constantly collided. Weiss never relented and neither did I. Our weapons crossed, and once more, they held in another stalemate.
"Am I really...?" Weiss asked me again, her voice instantly grew softer. It was the same tone Yang uses when she knew something was wrong. That tone... That same exact tender tone.
I chewed my bottom lips. My eyes refused to dart away in fear that Weiss would see through my facade.
"Yes," I manage to choke out again. My heart stung at that obvious lie when I looked directly into her eyes.
She silently stood there, her eyebrows pinched together by a fraction with a mixture of disbelief and... Hurt. I felt her weapon lose strength and I took this chance to push her away before she actually manage to dig something up that I tried hard to bury down.
It caught her by surprise when I broke off the stalemate. She fell backwards with Myrtenaster collapsed at her side.
"Are you okay?" I held out my hand for her.
She wearily screwed her eyes shut. "I'm fine."
Lunch time rolled in quickly. At the stroke of noon, students filed in line and the dining hall buzzed from the loud chatters and excited laughter. But I wasn't one of those students. Not today. I mindlessly probed my food as I cast my eyes about, my mind wandering around aimlessly just like my incessant probing.
"You should eat."
It took me awhile to register the voice, and I glanced up.
"You need to eat something at least," Yang said to me as she puts her platter of food down at the table. It was us two so far. Team JNPR were in the middle of retrieving their lunch. Blake and Weiss were not too far from them.
I stabbed whatever mystery meat this was with my fork and I took a bite. Yang continued to watch me as I chewed slow and silent. When I swallowed, she urged me to take another bite. She kept darting her eyes between me and the plate.
"Go on..."
I randomly stabbed somewhere into my plate knowing full well I'll pick up something. The tine of the fork scratched against the plate and I cringed at the annoying piercing sound. My ears instantly folded down but it straightened when I heard footsteps coming towards us.
"Hey guys," Jaune said. Team JNPR came to join us at the table. Blake and Weiss came after and sat down.
"Hey." I replied flatly.
"Hey Vomit Boy," Yang greeted much cheerfully.
"I don't vomit anymore," he muttered.
We dined in silence.
Blake didn't say a word. Neither did Weiss. It was just a string of silence followed by another deafening one between us all.
"So..." Pyrrha tried to start a conversation. "I heard you guys had a run in at the docks the other day."
"We did," Yang picked it up. "Had a nasty run in with Roman Torchwick and the White Fangs."
"That's a strange mix," Jaune said. "I always thought they hated each other."
"Strange indeed," Ren concurred. "They're like water and oil. It's difficult to imagine for the two collaborate so well together."
"Maybe they struck a deal?" Nora gave her two cent in. Her voice dropped low and she tried to mimic a random voice from a lame villain in some movie. "If you give me more manpower, I'll supply you an infinite amount of dust. With your army and my diabolical thinking, we will be unstoppable!" She started to get in character with the made up villain inside of her. "Then we can rule this world! Rule it I say!"
Her voice escalated and she started maniacally laughing.
"That..." Ren drew a nervous breath. "Would be terrible for us."
"Psh," Nora laughed normally. "No way that will happen."
"You get a ten out of ten in acting from me," Yang snapped her fingers — sounds like she pointed a finger gun. "Maybe a seven out of ten for the plot."
Nora stood to make a theatrical bow.
"Maybe they're not collaborating..."
It was a voice we haven't heard much in awhile. Some people grew more quiet and shifted in their seats when they picked up the unusually faint mumble.
"Did you say something Blake?" Yang asked.
"No." She shook her head.
I noticed a bit of movement at the corner of my eyes — it looked as if Blake was playing with her food. Something was on her mind. Always reclusive to process her thoughts, that's how Blake is.
Pfft.
Again... Who am I to judge?
We basked in the silence for a second time. Despite how it kept getting lost in the sea of noise from the background, we could hear our forks scraping our plates. To ease Yang's worries, I ate. It was slower pace than the rest, but I still ate.
"So..." Jaune took initiative to restore a conversation with us. "Torchwick is now behind bars."
"Overall crime rate should decrease now." Ren gave his input.
"Yeah right..." I heard Blake mutter in disbelief, but no one picked it up.
"The price of dust should drop as well," Ren said.
"SDC should be glad now huh Weiss?" Jaune sounded a bit happy. "Stores are able to sell dust to customers without repercussions." When he didn't get a response, I could see him shifting his head in concern. "Weiss?"
"Huh?" Weiss snapped out of it. "Sorry I wasn't listening. What were we talking about?"
"SDC," Pyrrha reminded her of the topic. "Torchwick shouldn't be causing havoc, so we thought the SDC would be in a better position. Are you... Okay?"
In the corner of my eyes, there was a nod.
"I'm..." I felt her gaze shift to me. "Fine. It's one less worry on their list that's for certain."
Another minute of silence sneaked up to us.
It slowly became like poison as it continued to suspend in the air. Thick and heavy, everyone noticed that something was going on. Aside from Team JNPR and Yang, our silence said a lot.
The conversation laid bare.
It kept crumbling.
"Um..." Jaune tried again."Do you think the White Fangs —"
Blake stood in her seat. "Sorry, but I think I'll be the first to leave."
After a long period of time of keeping my eyes down, I finally glanced up from my plate and watched Blake carry her tray away. She left without batting an eye to anyone at the table. Weiss just quietly stroke the bridge of her nose.
"Is she okay...?" Nora raised two brows.
"She's fine..." Yang answered hesitantly. That was a lie. She knew that.
"I'm going to take my leave as well." I stood from my seat. I needed some fresh air as well — to think again. "If you would excuse me..." I took my tray and turned my back against them. I couldn't sit much longer, I need to figure things out.
"Yang," I heard Weiss say. "We need to talk."
My suppressed emotions were running amok.
Despite how hard I tried to shove it down into the pits of darkness in hopes I would slowly forget or even become numb to it, it kept resurfacing. The thoughts about mom — the immense pain and the accompanying grief, it keeps coming to my mind. I thought I buried it for good, but I was wrong. Being with Dad and Yang was only a temporary fix. I thought I was okay, but realistically, I wasn't.
I made my way into the outskirts of Beacon going through thickets of trees. I needed to be alone because I kept thinking. After our encounter with Torchwick, I kept thinking. I kept thinking and thinking and thinking, and I wouldn't stop thinking.
As I weaved around trees and bushes, my cape tugged me back when it got caught in a small branch.
I choked a little.
"Stupid tree," I growled. I tried to untangle it but I couldn't. I tugged but it wouldn't let go. At this point, my patience wore thin and my frustration got the better of me. I just yanked my cape free.
I continued to wander around the area until I noticed a small opening. A fallen tree laid on the floor and mosses started to thrive off its trunks. I sat on top of the giant log and pulled Thorn from underneath. I started shucking whatever I could find — the one thing I know I can find solace in.
My thoughts were becoming chaotic — twisting, turning, and strewing everywhere so messily until it finally decided to settle on one thing... What my sister said to me.
Yang told me not to let it consume or control me.
But it was hard.
I didn't understand how she could keep them at bay. I didn't get it at all. The wound in my heart started to reopen and I tried to stitch it back. But no matter how many times I tried to seal the wound, the hole would rip up much bigger. Nothing I was doing could mend it.
Was it even possible to fix?
There was an inner turmoil incubating in there — a war brewing between sadness and grief.
"What's wrong kiddo?"
I woke up from my thoughts and jerked my head up. There was that familiar voice... An awfully very familiar voice. I looked around trying to find where I heard it but I couldn't. I was so deep in my thoughts that I couldn't remember where it echoed from. I took a deep breath and tried to pick up a scent.
But I smelled... Nothing.
Was it all in my head?
Was it my imagination?
I glanced down at the piece of wood in my hands and stared at how Thorn ate into the bark at thin slices. I didn't know what figure I was trying to carve, but it didn't matter. I found it relaxing — something that will placate my loose emotions.
But it could only do so much as my thoughts continued to trudge into dangerous territory.
I bathed inside the swirling emotions as I kept thinking back to the death of Summer. Every time my mind dared to take a step further, I got doused in oil. One raw grieving thought would earn a bucket of gasoline, and so far, I was drowning in it.
I knew one small trip up could easily ignite my mind into flames. If it did happened, I wouldn't know what to do.
I would be stuck with no escape.
I started to feel everything eat me from the inside as I kept struggling with the agony anchored in my chest.
"Don't cry..."
I froze until I had the nerve to bring my hand near my face. I felt droplets of tears slowly being freed in the corner of my eyes and I tried to wipe them away. But the more I dried it with the back of my hands, the more I felt it threatened to escape once more.
The waters tried to break through the dam but I managed to keep them locked and contained. I drew another deep breath through my nose and caught a lingering scent until it... Magically disappeared.
I was confused.
Has my thoughts consumed me to that far of an extent that I'm starting to hear voices?
Was I going insane?
Was I really going mad?
I tightened Thorn in my grasp and tried to remember where the scent was. I stood to my feet and traced through my memories where I had last picked it up. I vaguely remember it was somewhere right around there... Or perhaps was it over here... Or maybe...
I flung Thorn into a thicket of trees and a crow flew out of it. A soft sigh flew right through my lips and I deflated when I watched the crow fly into the limitless sky. I lowered my head, my tail falling weak.
I really am going crazy.
How very off putting.
I went to go retrieve Thorn. After minutes of climbing and trying to wrench out Thorn from a bark, I climbed down only to see the same crow perched onto the log I sat. It stared at me with its red eyes.
I strode a few steps forward, my shoes crunching the blades of the grass, but the crow did not budge from fear.
"You're a weird bird." I said to it. I didn't get why it didn't fly away like most animals. I almost killed it. By nature, they would retreat. That was their natural instinct they obeyed.
I sat down onto the grass when the bird occupied the log. I watched its head tilt at me, observing me intently. I didn't get why... But it was almost the same look Weiss gave me — the same look when she tried studying me, searching for something to understand when I gave her nothing.
"What?" I asked it. "Are you going to ask me if I'm okay too?"
It lifted its leg to scratch itself.
"I'm fine," I told it.
It stretched out its wings.
"I really am."
The bird cawed.
"Seriously, I am." My ears twitched. I was starting to feel irked.
It stared at me — it was that same look again.
"Why are you giving me that look?" I hissed at it.
It continued to stare, its stationary red eyes trained on me while it blinked slow. There wasn't any communication between us, but I knew what it was saying to me. I knew what series of questions it asked. They refused to avert as they stayed immobile. They did not yield, and it pushed me to the edge.
"Don't give me that look." My voice came out as a croak but still sounded threatening.
But the bird didn't listen. Its eyes steeled at me.
"I said don't give me that look!" I snarled, but the crow didn't seemed threatened at my raised voice. I buried a hand into my face and I shook my head pitifully. "Don't give me that look..."
I stayed like that for awhile.
I couldn't find the strength to tear my hand away. It was hiding my vulnerability even if it was by a little.
Then, I collapsed onto the floor — sprawled with my hand shielding my eyes.
"I know I'm not fine." I confessed to it. "I know I'm not doing well. I know I'm not okay. But I need to be strong." I felt the tears spill and I tried to fight it. I couldn't. The dam was leaking. "But it's so hard. It's so damn hard! I changed so much. I can't even put a mask anymore."
My saliva thickened and I choked out my next words.
"I had such an easier time putting a cold front to all my guildmates. Now I can't even hide it from my own teammates or my friends. I thought I could bury it all down and be fine with it but it's so fucking hard!"
"It's so hard..." I quietly sobbed. My forearms inched its way over to my eyes. My tears left streak marks.
"I'm so plain to read now. I'm making everyone worry because I can't even get a hold of my emotions. I'm letting it get the better of me. But I don't know what to do with it. It's driving me to the edge and it's dictating every rational part of me. It's escaping from my bottle and I don't know how to contain it!"
"What do I do...?"
I sucked a deep breath through my gritted teeth.
"What am I suppose to do?!" My shout broke through the bars of my teeth and echoed in the forest. "Tell me, crow."
The crow cawed.
It's animalistic noise made me draw a flat laugh. "I'm so stupid. I'm talking to an animal." How silly of me to believe it could understand my words or even sympathize.
It cawed again.
"I really am going mad."
It cawed once more.
"You squawk too much." I mumbled. I tried to clean the tears when they had stop falling from my eyes. "If only I could use that spell... I forgot how it incantation went... Something along the lines of 'Speak to me O' beast'..."
I sighed.
"I feel so old. I'm forgetting things now. Could've been useful. Maybe I would've knew what you keep squawking about even if the sentences would come out broken."
The crow didn't caw.
"It's a real shame. I could've talked to Zwei."
I paused and just laid there.
"Or maybe..." I murmured.
The words got stuck in my throat and I left it drift through my thoughts.
Maybe I could've saved mom. If I knew how to tap into my powers, maybe I could've took on a missions with her. Even if I was a child, I knew support spells. I can easily boost her and give her an upper hand or maybe even cripple our enemies for a brief moment. I could've made some kind of difference. Hell, maybe her discovering who I really am could've changed her fate. Maybe she wouldn't have taken the mission. Or maybe —
There was that scent again.
My thoughts froze and I dwelled in the scent. It was stronger than before almost as if it was next to me.
I instantly fumbled back up and stared where I picked up the scent from. It was from the log where the crow had perch. But the crow was gone as it left a single black feather behind. And the scent... It was gone too.
Strange.
I swear there was a scent earlier.
How was the scent no longer existent?
Was my nose really playing tricks on me? Or maybe... Just maybe... It was —
The bush shifted behind me.
I caught a different scent.
I sharply jerked my head to the sound and went wide eyes with who they saw.
"Ruby," she said.
I wasn't prepared for the same adamant person to confront me.
Thank you to everyone who answered my call for help on grammar (:
I've been busy trying to adult in life that I didn't realize a month flew by since I last posted a new chapter for this. Same goes with my other stories. Oops. But I'm working on every single one of them!