Chapter 86: A Date

Bucky didn't like dreaming of RJ.

Well, he didn't like dreaming of any of his victims. But ever since he started working with Dr. Raynor, ever since he made that list of his victims and his abusers, he started seeing their faces almost every night in a gross rotation. At first it was just flashes and vague sensations, and he could barely recognize them as the dream passed him by. He had no feelings from his time as the Soldier, his brain programming squashing any sort of pain, whether physical or emotional. But he could certainly feel things now, things like heartache, and panic, and guilt.

Since he visited with Yori so often, RJ was becoming a more and more prominent feature his nightmares. The men he killed during that mission - most of them deserved it, if he was honest. Sure, Hydra was doing some shady shit, but so were a lot of other people, and if he was taking down other bad guys then he probably didn't need to feel as bad about it.

RJ, though. RJ was innocent. And Bucky was going to carry that for the rest of his life.

He could still see the fear on his face as he stared at the lock of his door, begging his hand to stop shaking enough to unlock it. If he'd controlled his fear a little better, if he'd moved just a little faster, there was a chance the Soldier wouldn't have seen him. He might have escaped.

Might. There were a lot of might's in Bucky's life. And Dr. Raynor was bringing up every single one of them.

"Bucky? Bucky, my love, wake up." Mika's voice broke him from the nightmare, and he sat up quickly. Like most of his nightmares of the Soldier, he was a little disoriented at first, his fists balled as he prepared to fight. But he saw her pretty face, her concerned eyes, and felt the weight of her hand on his ankle. He wasn't in bed, he was in the living room. On the floor.

Again.

"I'm sorry I woke you." he said, letting out a long breath and running his left hand through his hair. His dog tags were cold on his chest and clinked as he put his arms down, the sound so eerie it felt like a ghost. She crawled over, settling next to him with her back against the couch.

"They're getting worse." she whispered, taking his hand and gently prying the fingers of his right hand open. He focused on inhaling and exhaling, taking the pieces of his dream apart and filing them back away until they reformed to claim him again.

"It's supposed to get worse before it gets better." he parroted. He didn't believe it, but he kept saying it.

"It's been ten weeks. When will it get better?" she asked. She put her hand on his cheek, turning his attention to her. "I don't like seeing you like this."

"I don't like feeling like this." he snapped. She pulled her hand back, sitting away from him, which hurt worse than the memories. "I'm sorry, love, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have spoken like that, it won't happen again."

"It's okay." she said, but she didn't lean back into him. He wanted to reach for her, even lifted his hand, but ended up putting it back down. She took the initiative and touched his fingers. "You're tired. You need rest, and therapy that actually helps."

"Yea, both of those sound great." he said. God, how bad off was he if he was biting at Mika of all people? Another layer of guilt to add to the pile. "Two more weeks, though. Two more weeks and we can be done with all this stupid mess and get back to our normal lives."

"We're almost there." she smiled, and this time she did scoot close to him, resting her chin on his shoulder. "You're going to be okay."

"We'll be okay." he agreed. "Remember, we're a codependent hive mind now."

"Oh, we're a hive mind now? I missed that. I apologize for all my errant thoughts over the past week, there's been a lot going on." she said.

"I've learned a lot about pizza dough, it's been great." he said, referring to Mika's most recent baking adventure. He still maintained that it wouldn't be the same until they had a backyard with a wood fire oven, but she was determined to get as close as possible until then.

"Hydration percentages and yeast types are very important." she said.

"Mhmm."

"And the water is different here, that's really true."

"Oh, yea."

"Not to mention there's five hundred different kinds of flour to choose from, I have to find the right ratios."

"Oh, say it slow, baby."

She laughed, pulling back just enough so she could swing a leg over him and settle on his lap. His hands went to her hips, and he smiled as he felt the softness that used to be there, settled just right over her muscle.

"Flour. Ratio." she said, drawing the words out.

"Oh my God, you're so fucking sexy." he said, dropping his head back with a groan. She laughed again, sliding her arms over his shoulders so she could pull him in for a hug. He hugged her back tightly, nearly crushing her to his chest, relishing in the feel of her heart beating against his.

"We'll be okay." she murmured into his hair.

"We'll be okay." he agreed. She held him for a moment longer, then sat back, running her hands over his cheeks.

"Do you want to come back to bed?" she asked. "It's nearly four, still plenty of time to sleep."

Bucky thought about the nightmare, and the state he usually woke up in. He wasn't sure he wanted to risk that. But she was looking at him so tenderly, so lovingly, that suddenly beyond the nightmares and the bullshit, he wanted nothing than to crawl back in bed with her. He'd done it once, long ago, when he really wasn't under control, and things turned out fine.

"Yea, yea let's go back to bed." he said. She used his shoulders to push herself up, taking both his hands to heave him to his feet. He let his dead weight hang for a minute, nearly dragging her back down.

"Son of a-"

"Sorry, sorry." he said, getting up this time and following her into the bedroom. The mattress was too soft, but he sank into it anyways. At least the dip in it made Mika roll to his side, her body fitting into his as if she was made to be there. He kissed her head and held her close, counting her breaths as she gave in and went back to sleep. Of course, he didn't manage to go back to sleep that night, but that was beside the point.

He had another illuminating session with Dr. Raynor that day, where he adamantly denied having more nightmares. She was not allowed to have that part of him anymore, considering it was her fault he was having them again in the first place. She could only report what he said, and if he said that everything was peachy keen, then in less than two weeks he would be a free man, "rehabilitated," and ready to go on with his life.

"You want your usual order? Or something different?" Bucky said, holding his phone to his ear and dodging the pedestrians on the street.

"Hmm, something different. I'll check the menu online and text it to you?" Mika said.

"I'm almost there, I can just-" He spotted Yori, some ways away, arguing with a young man. "Never mind. I gotta go stop a small man from getting in a fight."

"It's weird that you've managed to befriend two people that led to this same situation." Mika commented.

"Yea, I know. Text me."

"Love you."

"Love you." Bucky hung up and tucked his phone in his pocket, jogging up to the octogenarian and the young man. "Hey, hey, Yori, what's going on? I thought we were getting lunch."

Yori looked pissed. Bucky had seen him a little testy a time or two, but something was different about today. "Unique is putting his trash into my trash-"

"It's trash." Unique said with a shrug.

"And the time has come for me to-" Yori raised a fist, and Bucky reached out to stop the descent.

"Hey, whoa," he said, putting himself between Yori and Unique. Yori? Hit somebody? Something really was bothering him today. He held up his hands. "Hang on, just hang on." What had gotten in to him?

"It's just trash." Unique said again. Bucky held up his hands to Yori with a stern look attached, and when he was sure the man wasn't going to snap, turned to the younger man. "Hey man, I'm Unique. It's like Monique, but it's got a 'U' in there for uniqueness." he said, grasping Bucky's almost outstretched hand.

"That's absurd." Yori muttered, going further into the alley. Bucky stepped back, moving after him. Unique was apparently placated, and didn't call after him. Just as well.

"Yori, you can't keep fighting with your neighbors." Bucky said, catching up to the old man. "Come on, let's go get some food."

"No, go away." Yori said, making Bucky balk. Go away? Since when did Yori tell him to go away?

"But Izzy, we always go to Izzy on Wednesday." he said. Dr. Raynor suggested scheduled events, and this was one of the few events on his schedule. He wanted to keep it, and clearly Yori needed something to get him out of his head.

"I'm not in the mood today." Yori said, undeterred. Bucky rolled his eyes.

"What if I buy?" he offered. Yori bought his drink that first night, but ever since then he'd bought the whole meal for them. It was part of his penance, not that he told Dr. Raynor that. She could spout about amends all she wanted, but saying a few words to people who didn't care about them didn't make amends happen. Words without actions meant nothing.

Yori stopped, then eventually turned back his way. "Fine, but no talking." he said, jabbing a finger in Bucky's face as he walked by. Bucky knew that was bullshit, that Yori would get two sips into his sake and spill whatever was bugging him, but he chose not to point that out.

Sure enough, one cup in and Yori was pulling out the newspaper. Thunder rolled outside, and Bucky rolled his shoulder inside, the achiness from the oncoming rain settling into his bones. Even with everything Shuri was able to do, the joint still hurt when a storm blew in.

"Look at this." Yori said. He pointed to the obituaries. "Nobody made it past ninety this week."

"So young, such a shame." Bucky said, meaning it. His own sister was one of those, passing away at eighty-nine. That was a few years ago, before he even remembered his own name.

"You guys didn't order the usual, huh? Feeling a little adventurous?" Leah said, lifting an eyebrow as she put their orders on the bar. She was extra careful with Bucky's to-go order; Mika had been craving soup with the rainy weather. He must have watched her a little too closely as she precariously placed the bag, because Yori leaned over and murmured much too loud,

"You should ask her out."

Bucky could feel the face he made, shaking his head and making a sushi-filled noise that clearly said absolutely not. If he'd told Yori once, he'd told him a thousand times, he was married. He took another bite of sushi, which of course gave Yori plenty of time to get Leah's attention again.

"He would like to take you out on a date. Maybe to bingo or a night of pinochle?" Yori said it as if it were the most romantic thing. Considering his first date with Mika was a movie and pizza night, perhaps the old timer could give him a few pointers. He'd enjoyed pinochle as a kid, maybe he could teach Mika and they could make a night of it. But that wasn't the point. The point was that he couldn't go on a date with Leah, because he wasn't single. Leah glanced over, a grin on her face.

"I'm really sorry about him." Bucky said. How were people still asking out wait staff in this day and age? They were at work, they weren't interested. It was one of many things he'd hoped faded out in the past century.

"Why are you sorry?" Leah asked. Oh. Oh no. "I'm game."

"Wow." Bucky said. "I can't, I'm-"

"Tomorrow night then?" Yori said.

"No, Yori, Leah, I'm ma-"

"Tomorrow night's great." she said, actually looking excited. Sure, it was nice to know that he could still pull, but in every other way this felt terribly wrong.

"I'm married, Leah." he said.

"I don't see a ring." she replied, making an obvious glance towards his hand.

"Well yea, I'm wearing gloves." he said, throwing up his hands. Was it really so hard to believe that he had a wife?

He didn't want to know the answer to that.

"And his wife is imaginary anyway." Yori said with a laugh.

"She isn't imaginary, I've literally shown you pictures-"

"Oh, those can be easily faked." Leah said, totally not helping matters. Why was she into this? It had to be some weird, cosmic joke. He'd gone from America's Most Wanted Criminal to Least Available Bachelor in less than a second.

"That's what I said!" Yori exclaimed, obviously in much better spirits now. "If you're married, why haven't we met her?"

"Because she - I - it's complicated." he said. It wasn't his business to tell about Mika's house arrest, and even if he did say something, that would just lead to more question, which he would have to answer, which would lead to him spilling everything about RJ before he was ready.

"Yes, because she isn't real." Yori said. He slapped the table top as if he just reached check mate. "Tomorrow night, you go on a date."

"I'll see you tomorrow, around ten." Leah said. "Maybe not pinochle, though."

"What's wrong with pinochle?" Bucky asked. Was his date idea with his wife a bad one? Leah just smiled and walked away, going to the patrons on the other side of the bar. Bucky sighed, pouring some sake into his cup and knocking back the whole thing. "I can't believe you did that. Even if I wasn't married, there's a dance to these things. But I'm married. I've already got a dance partner. Took a hell of a lot of — what's wrong?"

Yori was quiet, staring at the mochi that Leah left with the to-go order. He clearly hadn't heard a word Bucky said, instead stuck somewhere in between the world around him and the world in his head. Bucky knew that feeling very well. He leaned a little closer, putting a supportive hand on the old man's back. He had a feeling he was about to learn what was upsetting Yori today.

"My son, he loves the red bean mochi." he said in Japanese. Bucky's blood turned to ice, and his heart plummeted to his shoes. He should stop him from saying anything more, before Bucky started saying things that he could never take back. But Yori took a deep breath and spoke again in English, and Bucky couldn't bring himself to move away. "He had a job with a consulting company. And, uh, he was working abroad, and he was killed. The police said 'wrong place, wrong time,' but I will never know what really happened to him. I felt it was strange, in here." He patted his chest, right over his heart.

Bucky had no words. RJ's death was strange, and it was the wrong place, wrong time. The two did not have to be mutually exclusive. He felt like he'd tripped onto one of his knives, the blade sinking between his ribs, cutting into his lungs and his heart. Yori was so proud of RJ, so close to him. And Bucky had taken that from him.

No, not Bucky.

The Winter Soldier.

The one good thing that Dr. Raynor did was reiterate that. You are not the Winter Soldier. Mika, of course, told him that every single day, but it helped to have a relatively unbiased opinion.

Bucky couldn't bring himself to change the conversation after that, and just sat with his hand on Yori's shoulder until their sushi plates were empty and he'd paid the tab. Leah threw him a wink as they left, and he had nothing but a tight lipped smile in return. He waved goodbye to Yori and flipped his collar up against the rain, hugging the walls and ducking under awnings as he made his way back to their apartment.

"Hey!" Mika said as he walked in the door. Her face fell as she saw him. "What is it? What happened? Was it Dr. Raynor? Cause I swear I will raise holy hell if she made you try that hypnosis thing again-"

"No, no, she didn't make me do hypnosis. She was just asking after the nightmares again." he said. He put her lunch onto the counter as she unfolded herself from the couch, coming and wrapping her arms around his middle. He leaned into her, smelling the flowers in her hair and thanking his lucky stars that no matter what, he had her to come home to.

"Is Yori okay? You didn't stay as long as usual today. Did you…" she trailed off, not knowing how to ask the question. Did you tell him you killed his son?

"Ha, Yori was on one today." Bucky said, taking her head in his hands and placing a wet kiss on her forehead. He shrugged off his jacket and hung it to dry, laying his gloves on the end table and untying his boots to leave in their spot next to the door.

"Uh oh, so you're home early because he got arrested and you have to come get bail money?" she asked, extracting her soup from the paper bag. Bucky got a bowl from the cabinet and handed it to her.

"Almost." he said, wincing as he remembered the conversation. "He asked out the waitress."

"Ew."

"For me."

"Double ew." she said with a smile, putting the bowl of soup into the microwave. She leaned against the counter, grabbing him by the belt loops and pulling him over. "What did you say?"

"That I was married." he said. He rested his hands on the edge of the counter on either side of her hips, leaning just close enough to count the freckles on her cheeks.

"And he said?"

Bucky rolled his eyes. "That you were made up."

"Ugh! Seriously? Do I need to FaceTime him?"

"That seems to be the next logical step." he said, shaking his head. "Even Leah was in on it. They set a time and place, I couldn't even get a word in edgewise, and now I'm gonna have to find a new sushi place cause I can't go back there ever again."

"But it's really good." she whined, as if that were the most important thing. Food was one of their love languages, so he felt that pain as well. Her hands slid up his back. "Maybe you should go."

"What? You want me to go on a date with another woman just so I can save face at our favorite sushi place?" he asked. Even out loud, the idea didn't sound as bad as it should have.

"I mean, it doesn't have to be a date-date. I bet she'll be a little easier to convince of my existence." Mika said with a smile. "But she seems to know Yori pretty well, so maybe you can figure out a little more about him. And having more friends isn't a bad thing. Remember Claire?"

Claire, Claire… "Blonde Claire? Red dress, from the bar back in Bucharest?"

"Low cut red dress showing off beautiful tits? Yes, that Claire." she said. He listened hard for sounds of jealousy in her tone, but didn't find any. She'd never been the jealous type. Much. "She wanted to sleep with you, but you politely turned her down, and then you were friends. She even trusted you to walk her home."

"I feel like you're really reaching on this one." he said.

"I really love this sushi place." she replied. "Look, if you're not comfortable, then don't go. But if you can make a friend, and maybe find a way to talk to Yori…it may not be a bad idea."

"You really would be okay with this?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Will you bring me Milk Bar afterwards?"

"Of course."

"Then yes, I'm okay with this." she said. The microwave beeped, but neither of them moved. Instead, he rested his forehead against hers.

"He told me about his son today." he whispered. "How he loved red bean mochi and worked in consulting."

"I'm sorry, my love." she said, putting her hands on his cheeks and gently rubbing her thumbs under his eyes. The touch was oddly soothing, and he felt like she was wiping away tears, even if he wasn't crying. He almost wished he would.

"He told me how he died abroad, and I…" he paused, his voice catching. The backs of his eyes burned, but the tears didn't come. "I had to sit there and pretend like I wasn't there when it happened."

"I'm so, so sorry." Mika murmured, kissing his cheeks and his forehead and any other part of him that she could reach. She slid her fingers into his hair, tugging until he looked at her again. "You are a good man. You always have been. What they made you do - you had no choice. You are good."

"Thank you." he said. Between his therapy session and his lunch with Yori, his emotions were really taking a beating today. He felt tired, so very tired, of all of this. How, even after he was free, did he still have to deal with it? He leaned forward and kissed Mika, sinking into it. Then he kissed her again, and again, and again, just to memorize the feel of her lips against his. "I love you." he said.

"And I love you." she replied, tenderly pressing her mouth to his. "You're going to get through this, because you're the strongest man I know."

"I'm stronger because I have you." he said. She gave him a cocky grin. Oh boy, he was in for it now.

"Of course you are. I'm the best thing that ever happened to you." she said, reaching down to playfully smack his rear.

"Don't I know it." he deadpanned, trying his best to suppress the smile. She grinned again, finally moving away to retrieve her lunch. His eyes followed her as she got a spoon and sat at the bar top, crossing one long leg over the other. "It's kind of a miracle that we met, you know."

"Hm?" she asked, looking up from where her phone already distracted her. God, she was amazing. He went to the opposite side of the counter, leaning on his elbows so they were eye to eye.

"Nobody lived past ninety this week, Yori showed me the obituaries." he said lightly. Mika made a face.

"That's morbid."

"That's old people for you." he said with a shrug. "Anyway, I should've been long dead by now."

"Don't say that, I don't like it." she said, honestly pouting. "You were always supposed to be here with me."

"Exactly." he said with a smile. "After all the shit I went through, with the War and Hydra and all that, I still ended up right here with you. It's a fuckin' miracle."

Her cheeks reddened and her eyes watered, and it had nothing to do with the spicy soup. "Well, I think everyone deserves at least one miracle in life, don't you think?"

"I do." he said. He grabbed her hand just so he could kiss her knuckles. "I'm glad you're my miracle."

"I'm glad you're mine." she said. That stupid grin returned. "Remember that tomorrow when you're on your date."

Bucky sighed, shaking his head. A man couldn't even get a tender moment with his own wife nowadays.

"So full of shit."

Seriously y'all I love these two chuckleheads so fucking much I can't stand it.

THANK YOU for the wonderful reviews! It seriously astounds me that y'all still like this story after all this time. We're getting into F&WS territory now, so things are about to get wild. Please let me know what you thought of this chapter!

I'm going out of town next weekend, so I probably won't be able to update. Two weeks though, Lord willing!

Stay safe, hug your friends,

-XM