Chapter 89: Okay
Mika's ankle bracelet finally stopped buzzing as they stepped into the interrogation room. Now her foot felt numb, and the skin sensitive and irritated. She had a feeling she was going to have to deal with a lot of shit tomorrow for it.
Worth it.
"You can wait outside, we shouldn't be too long." Dr. Raynor said, obviously speaking past Sam and Bucky and towards Mika.
She was serious.
"I'd like to stay." Mika said, turning her phone on silent and slipping it into her pocket. She didn't ask if it was alright if she stayed, or if it was allowed. She was done asking for permission to be involved in her husband's care.
"Mrs. Barnes, I appreciate your concern, but I think it's best if James and Sam talk this out on their own." Dr. Raynor said, her notebook making a hearty thump as she dropped it on the table. This woman was used to being in charge, used to people listening to her. That was all well and good, but Mika wasn't going to fall into that today.
"And I think it's best if I stay here." Mika said. She'd heard details of these sessions from Bucky, and while they weren't necessarily wrong, something about them didn't feel right. And Mika was determined to find out what that was.
"James might not feel comfortable saying some things in front of his wife." Dr. Raynor argued. Bucky pinched the bridge of his nose, and Sam looked between Mika and Dr. Raynor as if watching a tennis match with a grenade. His eyebrows raised, and Mika tried really hard not to get angry at the insinuation the doctor made.
"I don't think I'm the…the…how do you say it in English?" she said, turning to Bucky and giving him the Romanian word.
"Limiting factor." he translated.
"Yes, the limiting factor."
"Limiting factor or not, therapy is about being open and vulnerable and-"
"I share a bed with him!"
"That doesn't necessarily mean that-"
"Doc, let her stay." Bucky spoke up. He sounded tired, like he had for the past few weeks. Mika didn't like it. "Please."
"I'm fine with her staying." Sam added, giving Mika a grin. She smiled in return, glad that, even if he and Bucky didn't always see eye to eye, they could at least agree on this.
Dr. Raynor sighed. "Fine. But you're an observer, not a participant." she said, opening her notebook. Bucky flinched at the action, and everyone but the therapist noticed. The air seemed to cool by a couple degrees. "So. Who would like to start?"
She looked between Sam and Bucky, waiting for one or both of them to start talking. Mika thought it was fairly obvious that neither of them wanted to be there, but apparently that didn't matter. Finally, Sam took in a breath.
"Alright look, Dr…Raynor?" Sam started. He knew Bucky had a therapist - Mika complained about her enough - but he never learned her name. "I get it, why you want me to talk to Freaky Magoo over here. But I'm one hundred percent fine."
Okay, rude.
Mika went to say something, but Dr. Raynor shot her a glare. Right, observer, not a participant. She knew Sam didn't want to be a part of this conversation, but she didn't think he'd throw Bucky under the bus to get out of it. Bucky just stared at the table in front of him, his face flat and his thoughts somewhere far away.
"It's my job to make sure that you're okay." Dr. Raynor said. Mika couldn't help it. She let out a scoff, which earned her another glare. "And so, yea, this may be slightly unprofessional, but it's the only way I can see if you're getting over whatever's eating at you."
She directed the second part to Bucky, and Mika felt a roll of anger through her chest. Was it not obvious what was eating at him? He had to drag up painful memories, then find and talk to people who knew him as a brainwashed assassin. The doctor thought he wanted to apologize for whatever he did wrong, but didn't want to address the fact that he was a victim. The wrong was all done to him.
"That's-"
"One more noise, Mrs. Barnes, and I'm going to insist that you leave." Dr. Raynor said. Bucky looked to Mika, his expression guarded like it was when they first met. That hurt worse than anything else.
"It's okay." he said in Romanian, his voice soft. Tender. "I've been through worse."
Mika grit her teeth and leaned against the wall, crossing her arms over her chest as if that could hold in all her words and feelings. This was stupid. This whole thing was stupid.
"This is ridiculous." Sam said, rolling his eyes.
"Yea, I agree." Bucky said.
"See? Making progress already." Dr. Raynor said. Mika hated her, just a little bit. "So, who wants to go first?" They were silent this time. "No volunteers? How surprising. Okay, we're going to do an exercise."
Mika thought they were all doing a fine exercise of restraint, but that was just her opinion.
"It's something I use with couples when they are trying to figure out what kind of life they want to build together." she continued. Sam shook his head, and Mika wanted to point out that Bucky was already in a couple, and that they already knew what kind of life they wanted to build together. He and Sam had known each other for years, had fought together on more than one occasion. They didn't need to be best friends to be allies. "Are you familiar with the miracle question?"
"Absolutely not." Sam said.
"Of course not." Bucky added, almost at the same time.
"Okay, it goes like this." She seemed entirely too excited about it. "Suppose that, while you're sleeping, a miracle occurs. When you wake up, what is something that you would like to see that would make your life better?"
"In my miracle," Bucky said immediately. Mika was proud of him for speaking up, even if it was just to get this stupid exercise over with. "He would…he would talk less."
"Exactly what I was gonna say. Isn't that ironic?" If Bucky was annoyed, Sam was downright over it. Mika couldn't blame him - she was over it too - but she wished he could realize that no one wanted to be there, and the sooner they dealt with it, the sooner it would be over.
"You guys are leaving me with no choice." Dr. Raynor said. "It's time for the soul-gazing exercise."
"I like this one better." Bucky said. Mika knew he was kidding, but she didn't think Dr. Raynor did.
"Oh, God. He's gonna love this." Sam said, letting out a humorless laugh.
"Yea, I'm ready." Bucky said as Dr. Raynor gestured for them to face each other.
"This is right up your alley." Sam continued. Bucky moved his chair, but Sam stayed resolute. "You should really enjoy this."
"I'm going to." Bucky said. Mika knew that tone of voice. That was the voice he used when they bet who was going to win an episode of a cooking show, or when she instigated wrestling.
"I know you are."
"Yea. Come on."
The chairs squeaked painfully loud in the small room as they shifted to face each other. Bucky egged him on the whole time, and Mika had to stop herself from laughing now. He was playing the part of a good patient, and if Dr. Raynor couldn't hear the underlying sarcasm or see what was about to happen…well, that was on her. Mika was just here for the show. Observer, not a participant.
"Alright, get close." Dr. Raynor said. They moved so they sat knee to knee, both of them sitting with a borderline man-spread, as Nicoletta called it. "Closer."
"You wanna go left or right?" Bucky asked, gesturing with his hands.
"Why are your legs open?" Sam countered.
"Yours are too." Bucky pointed out. "So, right or left?"
"Bob or weave?"
"Just move closer." Dr. Raynor said. They were starting to test her patience, and Mika was loving it.
"Alright, fine."
"Fine."
They scooted closer so their legs bracketed each other, knees dangerously close to parts that they usually tried to protect. Sam scooted his chair until he was as close as possible, and of course Bucky couldn't back down.
"Good. We're locked in." Sam said, twitching his leg slightly in a threat.
"That's a little close. You're making my wife nervous." Bucky said.
"It's very close. That's what you wanted, right? Meeks, this good?" Sam said. Bucky shook his head and they both looked at Mika, who shrugged. This was supposed to be serious, but it was getting more entertaining by the second. She could almost forget that they were in a literal interrogation room.
"Guys." Dr. Raynor cut in, and they shut up. "Good, now look at each other. You need to look at each other in the eyes." They followed her instructions, both of them clenching their jaws at the same time. Mika wondered if they noticed the mirrored actions between them. "There, you see? That wasn't so hard."
Bucky stared at Sam. Sam stared at Bucky. Mika saw the moment when both of them settled in, their vision going to the middle distance as they looked at a singular spot. She bit her lip to keep from laughing. Take two of the most competitive men, and tell them to stare at each other. Good move, Doc.
"Wait, what are you doing?" Dr. Raynor said, realizing that the exercise was going horribly awry. "Are you having a staring contest?" Mika saw the microchanges in their expressions, eyebrows twitching and lips working. The doctor groaned. "Just-" she snapped between them. "Blink. Sweet Jesus."
Sam's eyes closed first, and he let out a swear just low enough that the doctor wouldn't call him on it. Bucky, still unblinking, gave Mika that same shit-eating grin he had when he claimed victory at home. She winked and blew him a kiss. If they had to play silly therapy games, at least he was winning.
"Alright, James," Dr. Raynor tried to start again. She was persistent, Mika would give her that. "Why does Sam aggravate you? And don't say something childish."
Based on the look on his face, that was exactly what he was going to do. Instead he licked his lips and actually thought for a second. His expression changed slightly, and Mika stood up a little straighter, ready to step in if he needed it. He was done joking now.
"Why'd you give up that shield?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. It pained him to ask, Mika could tell that, and it took everything in her not to go and hold his hand. She knew he still kept walls up with everyone else, and understood why he did, but she had to admit that maybe Dr. Raynor was right to get him to pull it down, just a little.
Sam rolled his eyes, and it was clear that he was upset by the question, but he kept his voice down and even. "Why are you making such a big deal out of something that has nothing to do with you?"
He had a point. Maybe that's why it hurt so much.
"Steve believed in you." Bucky said. Mika held her breath; something was simmering in Bucky, something that he hadn't admitted to her, or maybe hadn't even admitted to himself. And now, it was about to boil over. "He trusted you. He gave you that shield for a reason. That shield? That is…that is everything he stood for. That's his legacy. He gave you that shield, and you threw it away like it was nothing."
"Shut up." Sam murmured, shaking his head.
"So maybe he was wrong about you." Bucky was getting worked up now, and Mika looked to Dr. Raynor to step in, but she just watched it all unfold. "And if he was wrong about you then he was wrong about me."
There it was.
Mika's heart broke at the words. How long had Bucky felt like this? She thought, after Wakanda, he'd been slowly letting go of the guilt eating at him, looking forward to their life together. What kind of wife was she if she didn't even realize he was still hurting? She shook her head; this wasn't about her, this was about him. She needed to swallow her own guilt and remember that.
"You finished?" Sam asked. It had been a long time since Mika wanted to hit him, but she did in that moment. Didn't he care that Bucky was being honest about his feelings, that he was actually admitting to this? Didn't it matter?
"Yea." Bucky said. He sounded so defeated, and now he wouldn't even look at her. Mika was forced to watch this trainwreck, and unless she wanted Dr. Raynor to kick her out, there was nothing she could do about it.
"Alright, good." Sam said. "Maybe this is something you or Steve will never understand. But can you accept that I did what I thought was right?"
"If they don't understand, then explain it." Mika said. Wrong thing to say. She'd never seen Sam truly angry before, but the look he gave her said that he was mad at her, and at Bucky, and at the whole situation. There was something going on that he wouldn't - couldn't - say.
"That's not my job." he said through gritted teeth. "You know what, Doc? I don't have time for this. We have some real serious shit going on. So how about this? I will squash it right now. We go deal with that, and when we're done, we can go on separate, long vacations and never see each other again."
"I like that." Bucky said, and Mika couldn't help but agree. Sam was a friend, back in Wakanda, but ever since the snap and receiving Steve's shield he put space between himself and everyone else. Perhaps he was right, it was time for them to go separate ways.
"Great." Sam said. "Let's get to work. Thanks, Doc, for making it weird. I feel much better." He smacked Bucky on the shoulder. "I'll see you outside."
Without another word, he stood and left, sending Mika a look that she couldn't decipher. Bucky stayed in his position, his mind clearly whirring, but the rest of him looked shut down.
"Thank you." Dr. Raynor called to Sam, even if he couldn't hear her. "That was…really great."
This time, Mika didn't bother holding in the scoff.
"Come on, my love." she said in Romanian. "Let's go."
Bucky gave one last look to Dr. Raynor, then sighed as he pushed up from the chair. Mika held out her hand and intertwined their fingers when he took it, squeezing tightly in an effort to impart any sort of comfort.
"I know that look. What's wrong?" Dr. Raynor asked. They were so close to getting out of there, why couldn't she just leave well enough alone?
"What was rule number two again?" Bucky asked. Rules? What rules?
"Don't hurt anyone." Dr. Raynor said. The way she said it made it sound like she was talking to a child.
Bucky stared, and Mika tugged on his hand again. "Goodbye, Doc." he said, letting her pull him out of the room. Luckily, the doctor stayed seated.
As soon as they were back in the empty foyer and away from prying eyes, Mika pulled him into a bone crushing hug. He sagged into her, and even if he was battered and bruised she could tell he needed the positive touch. His head rested against her shoulder, and she gently ran her fingers through his short hair. Eventually his arms went around her waist, and she felt him grip her shirt as if he was sending all his emotions out through that gesture.
"Let's go home." she whispered. He needed some good food, and a long bath, and to fall asleep cuddling on the couch. Sam and Dr. Raynor still treated him like the soldier, instead of the man. And it was hurting him.
"I can't yet." he said, his voice muffled. "There's still work to do."
"With the Flag Smashers?" she asked.
"So Torres texted you."
"Yes." she confirmed. She was already nervous enough knowing he was on a mission, the call from the jail was just a cherry on top.
"I'm sorry I wasn't completely honest."
"This is your one pass." she said, putting her hands on his cheeks and lifting his head so he was looking at her. "No secrets, remember?"
"None." he said. He put his hand against her face, running his thumb over her cheekbone. It felt weird, with the leather of his glove instead of his skin.
"At least she got you out of this mess." Mika said, trying to find the positive of the situation. Bucky let out a huff of a laugh.
"Yea, about that," he said. Mika raised an eyebrow when he didn't elaborate, which just earned her a sigh. "C'mon."
They went out the doors to the Baltimore night, and Sam kicked off the wall he was leaning against to join them.
"Well, I feel better." he said sarcastically, making Mika bristle.
"I feel awful." Bucky deadpanned. The siren of a nearby police car blipped, and two officers walked towards them. Mika was convinced that it was going to be her turn in handcuffs, but apparently that wasn't the case.
The sirens went off again, but they came from a car down the line. The officers walked by without a second glance, and instead Mika spotted a blond man in a suspiciously red and and blue suit and a Black man that looked sick of his friend's antics. The blond waved like he didn't have a care in the world. Mika wanted to throttle him.
"Gentlemen!" he called, and somehow Mika knew that whatever happened, it was this man's fault. Bucky and Sam grudgingly walked toward them, and Mika followed despite every intuition telling her to walk the other way. "Good to see you again. Oh, and who's this?"
"My wife." Bucky said, moving just slightly so that he was technically between Mika and the guy.
"Oh, wife, huh? Look at you, the Winter Soldier still has some moves after all this time." the blond said. He held his hand out to Mika. "John Walker, Captain America, nice to meet you."
Sam smacked his hand away. "Uh, uh. You don't get to do that." he said. As much animosity as there was between him and Bucky, Mika finally understood the truth behind the phrase the enemy of my enemy is my friend.
"Another time then. You're welcome, by the way, for getting you out of that whole 'mandatory schedule' thing. And for getting them to turn that thing off." John Walker said, actually winking at her and gesturing towards her ankle bracelet. Mika outwardly and obviously grimaced. She'd done a good job of avoiding men with overconfidence and superiority complexes, and didn't care much to invite them back in now. He turned back to the boys and spoke with what he probably thought was a commanding tone. "Look, if we divide ourselves, we don't stand a chance. You guys know that."
Sam rolled his eyes. Theatrics were fine when Steve did it, he was a hundred years old. John Walker made them seem so extra. "So what you got?" he asked.
"Well the leader's name's Karli Morgenthau." he said.
"We already knew that." Mika said. When Sam gave her a confused look, she added, "I just didn't text you or Torres yet."
"Right." Sam deadpanned. Mika clamped her mouth shut, seeing as this probably wasn't helping things. One day she'd learn to think before she spoke, but apparently it wasn't today.
"We've been targeting civilians who've been helping Karli move from place to place." John continued, as if she'd never spoken. Bucky put a hand on her arm, but that didn't stop her from seething.
"They geotag a location, then scramble the signal." the other man said. Mika could've told them that, she'd found that much out from her sleuthing. But no, they didn't ask her. "But our satellites have found their symbol popping up in various displaced communities all across Central and Eastern Europe."
"Eastern Europe?" Mika asked. She hadn't seen that in her deep internet dive. What was going on in Romania right now? Was her mother okay? They still hadn't spoken since the Blip, and now Mika regretted not looking into it further when her mother didn't answer her calls.
"I'm sure she's fine." Bucky said, as if he could read her mind. "But we can check."
"We think she's taking the medicine she just stole to one of these camps." John Walker said, as if Central and Eastern Europe was a small place with limited hiding places.
"Well there are hundred of those all over the planet since the Blip." Bucky pointed out. "So I guess you'll have to look real hard."
"Good thing I have 20/20 vision then, huh?" he snarked back.
"Where is she now, Walker? Do you know?" Bucky said. He was losing his patience, and Mika didn't blame him. She wanted this over almost as much as he did.
"No, we don't know, Bucky." John Walker spat his name out like a curse. "But it's only a matter of time before we find out."
With the information they had, Mika could probably hack the satellites and find her first. She decided to keep that piece of information to herself.
"Things are really intense for you, aren't they, Walker?" Bucky asked. He was goading him, poking the bear, and Mika didn't quite understand why. It was her turn to put a hand on an arm, and she knew for a fact the prosthetic was sensitive enough for him to feel it.
"Take it easy." Sam interrupted. "Look, Walker's right. It's imperative that we find them and stop them." He turned to John Walker and his friend. "But you guys have rules of engagement and all kinds of authorizations you have to get. We're free agents. We're more flexible. So it wouldn't make sense for use to work with you."
Sam made a really, really good point. The thin ice he was on got a little bit thicker.
Bucky took Mika's hand and started walking away, and Sam fell into step with them. They were going to take care of this, and it didn't matter what Dr. Raynor or this fake Captain America had to say about it.
"A word of advice then." Fake Cap called after them. Mika, Bucky, and Sam were at least polite enough to stop and give him some attention one last time. "Stay the hell out of my way."
It was so arrogant and so cliche that Mika almost lost her temper. What did this guy know about anything that was happening, about anything that they'd been through? He thought he was in charge, that because the government gave him something that didn't belong to them he got to call all the shots. She took a deep breath, but before she could yell at him in English and Romanian both Bucky and Sam put arms around her waist and tugged her away.
"Not worth it, Meeks." Sam murmured. She pushed his hand away; just because he was being nice now didn't mean she wasn't still mad at him for his shenanigans earlier. Fake Cap and his buddy turned and walked away, as if they didn't have a care in the world.
"I hate those guys." Mika said.
"Yea, join the club." Sam replied. "Look, it's been a long day. Let's take a breather, get everything situated, and we'll start again in the morning."
"If she stole the medicine though-" Bucky started, but Sam held up a hand.
"If we're going to find her, we need her to get where she's going. And if I'm honest, I'm kinda sick of your face right now."
"Feeling's mutual." Bucky muttered.
"All the more reason." Sam said. "I'm gonna find a hotel. You two do whatever, I'll text you a meet up point in the morning." Without waiting for a response, he threw them a sarcastic wave and walked away. Bucky let out a long breath.
"I just don't get it." he muttered.
"Which part?" Mika asked.
"All of it." Bucky said, shaking his head. "Whatever. Sam's right, there's nothing we can do right now except find a hotel and hunker down."
Mika chose not to comment on the hunker down part. She'd never heard the phrase in English, but she didn't like the sound of it. "I'll look for…" she pulled her phone from her pocket to find multiple texts and calls from her parole officer. Bucky glanced at her screen.
"I'll find a hotel. You deal with that." he said, pulling out his own phone.
Luckily, the conversation with the parole officer was easier than she anticipated, and by the time the woman was done complaining about the hour (fair) and giving John Walker glowing praises (not fair), Bucky had found them a nearby hotel with an open room that didn't cost their whole bank account. It was small and not an ideal location on the floor, but it would do for one night. They ordered a pizza and shared it sitting on the dingy carpet, but when Mika went to lay on the bed, Bucky stayed on the floor. She gave him until the next commercial break for whatever shitty sitcom they were watching, and when he didn't move, she slid off the bed to join him.
"It's late." he whispered. "You should sleep."
"How long have you felt like that?" she asked. She rested her elbow on the bed, then her head on her hand.
He looked like he thought about playing dumb, but in the end he just let out a breath. "I don't know." he admitted. "Recently? Or maybe always. I don't know."
He sounded so exhausted, so defeated, that tears welled in Mika's eyes. She tried to blink them away, because this wasn't about her feelings, but her chest ached at the sight of him. Before this all started, it was hard to remember how guarded he used to be, how he used to keep a wall and space and another wall between him and the outside world. But now she saw little bits of it again every day, and if she was honest, it scared her a little bit. Bucky had clawed his way back from oblivion all on his own, and now a couple of assholes were undoing his hard work.
She reached out and took his hand, slyly wiping the tears away before he could see them. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
He looked up at her then, and his eyes didn't hold the burning desire from a few days prior. It wasn't physical reassurance he needed tonight. She leaned her forehead against his and squeezed his hand.
"I'm okay, right?" he asked. "Cause the way Walker talks to me, the way Sam looks at me-"
"You're good." Mika said, taking his face in her hands. "You're good, and fine, and wonderful. They don't know you. They don't understand what you've been through. You're not some - some weapon, or some soldier, or whatever they think you are. You are good."
Bucky leaned into her touch, and for a minute he lost focus. When he came back to her, he said, "Maybe I don't understand Sam either."
"What do you mean?" Mika asked gently, despite the spike of ire that rose at the idea. Perhaps she was biased, but she didn't think Bucky was the insensitive one that night.
"I took him to meet Isaiah." he said. Mika furrowed her brows.
"Who's Isaiah?" she asked. She flipped through her memories, trying to recall a mention of Isaiah, but her mental search came up with nothing.
"Isaiah was…like me. Like Steve." he said. "Well, more like me, I guess. He didn't exactly ask for the serum." He let out a chuckle. "He was the only one to beat me in a fight in fifty years."
Mika smiled. "Sounds like a pretty tough guy."
"Yea." Bucky said, and his smile faltered. "But he's a Black guy. So when he finished his service, they locked him up. And he said something…well, he said a lot of somethings…" He stopped again, and shook his head. "I think went about this the wrong way."
He was leaving some details out, but based on his reaction and Sam's words earlier, things were falling into place. She remembered less than savory characters back home in Romania, and the way they talked about the Romani people, calling them derogatory names, words she heard thrown around in America like it was nothing.
"Well, you're learning." she said. She was learning too. "And you're trying to be better. That's all we can do."
He nodded. "You're right." he said. He let out a groan and rubbed his face for a second, regardless of the vibranium hand. "Of course you're right."
"Don't ever forget it." she said, leaning in to press a kiss to the side of his head. "You're okay, Bucky. Really, you are."
They'd battled aliens, and enhanced beings, and the entire US government, and somehow Mika felt this was going to be one of the tougher things they faced. But as she dragged him to bed and he actually came with her, she knew they'd at least face it together.
Oh man, watching F&WS again is giving me feelings like it's the first time! Ugh, those guys just. Did such a good job.
I can't thank y'all enough for your feedback and love! I've been struggling with motivation recently and y'all really just make all this worth it. I hope you like this new chapter!
Tell your friends you love them,
-XM