I bought a new radio. It was to play my mp3 on it in the mornings and when I would do my homework in my room. I also bought a candle. Since I wasn't busy that weekend, I ended up hotboxing the room a lot. I hated the smell it left on my clothes and the entire room in general. The clothes I could wash with some strong fabric softener, easy-peasy. It was the room that I couldn't get rid of the smell from. I had taken one picture from Jefferson's extra credit list, but the more I stared at it, the more I hated the class… and Jefferson. It didn't feel like the "overboard" image I originally thought- when I took the photo- and it seemed so far out there now. I sighed, laying my head on my vanity and holding up the picture. It would still be a shame to throw it out.

Nathan came back this morning; he was so tired out from the plane rides and driving around all weekend he decided to stay in his room and sleep the day away. He hadn't texted me and Victoria, so we decided to let him be. It might've been shady for me not to go to him, being his "girlfriend" and all. What can one do? Besides, I was trying to avoid him for the time being. Until I could figure out how to go about with my feelings. The things that I had already crossed from the list were: I liked him well enough, he was definitely eye candy and I did feel a sense of loneliness when he was gone. Not when we were separated for a day since there was always a reassurance that I would see him again almost right away. What was convincing me that these weren't too deep of feelings, was my lack of knowledge about him. I couldn't bear to trust someone like him with so many emotions. Especially someone as unstable as Nathan. I hate that thought. To say something so terrible about him. I tried to think of something else… I'd gotten my car washed and I was thinking about painting it. What color I don't really know. There were also all the teachers that were urging me to look deeper into the different scholarships for Washington State Uni. All except Jefferson. I didn't mind it; he already knew my stance on his class.

I sighed heavily and got up from my chair. I grabbed my sweater and pulled it over my head, heading out to my car. I couldn't tell the people here about what was going on with me. To them, it already looked like I was all over him. When in reality it was only the start. I gave a quick text to Jo and asked him to meet me at the park. He responded while I was driving. I took a quick glance, only catching a glimpse of a "no-". I parked to the side to take a good look at it.

"no way"

I took a moment before replying. It was definitely his girlfriend. Damn it all! - if only I could remember the girl's name. After sending the text, I gave a call. Sent to voicemail. I groaned, throwing my phone on the passenger seat. I reversed the car and headed back.

At the dorms, just outside of one of the benches sat Nathan. I knew his figure well enough now to distinguish him from a crowd. My heart raced as I approached him. I wasn't doing it deliberately. He had seen me, he had to, he was sitting in front of the entrance from the parking lot. I gave a weak smile as he looked up. I threw myself next to him on the seat, feeling his shoulder against mine.

"Finally caught up on your sleep?" I asked. He had his camera in hand. Looking at him from this closely I could tell he hadn't gotten the sleep he said he was trying to get. I nudged him a little. I leaned closer to his side, again, tempted to lean my head into his shoulder. I peeked at his camera; he was scrolling through some photos. I'm guessing of San Francisco. There was a sunny beach, a bonfire, and some girls. They were all smiling at him- I assume since it is his.

"They were friends of Jefferson's," he said coolly. I pretended not to hear and hummed. I suddenly heard people coming by and leaned closer to him. He was cut off guard and looked at me with skepticism. As the students passed by, I gave him a sincere smile, though still teasing. I followed the group with my eyes until they were inside the building. They gave a few glances back to us, of course, I acknowledged them. Once they were inside, I lost my smile and turned back to my side.

"Why so glum then?" I asked looking straight at him. He couldn't handle the intensity and looked away.

"Why was my picture chosen?" he asked, I leaned my head back a little.

"Because Jefferson was the judge, and you seem to be the most talented out of the other talentless hacks- oh, except for Victoria," I said, the last part aimed more towards the universe.

"Wish I could say the same." It reminded me of a song. I heard another group coming by and wrapped my arms around his shoulders.

"Whatever he said to you, don't let it get to you," he held one of my hands and my cheeks started to tint. Once the group passed by and was out of sight, he pulled my hand off.

"He's not a very good teacher," I stated matter of factly. He scoffed and started to bounce his knees. I stared at it for a second, he seemed oblivious of his motions. I stood up, taking his hand and pulling him alongside me.

"Let's go eat," I suggested, when he raised one eyebrow, I responded, "You owe me after standing me up so much." I still held his hand, he didn't take it back. He rolled his head and sighed.

"Fine." He took the lead this time, letting my hand go. I skipped to keep up with him- I couldn't help it.

We ate at a burger shack close to the south end of the beach. We were lucky to get seats by the windows that overlooked the ocean. Though it got annoying as the sunset and hit our eyes. I didn't let the date end there, pulling him to stroll around the beach. He stopped every now and then to take pictures of the things on the ground. A small pile of cigarette butts next to the path with ants making a highway around it. I got curious and followed it, only to find a dead seagull. I tugged Nathan's sleeve. To my surprise, he wasn't appalled, in fact, the complete opposite. He took a picture, a grim expression on his face. Is this why he got so upset about winning? We continued to his car after the small photoshoot, eager to not find any more dead things. He laughed at my disgust. There's the old Nathan.

At the dorms, he left me in my room, saying he didn't have anything for me to do. With a small audience in the hall, he left a kiss on my cheek- more like a pat- and left. The others standing outside stared for a while before I bucked at them to piss off. Kate was the only one who came up to me. A thermal and a tin box in one hand and two mugs hanging by her fingers on the other.

"Want some tea time?" she asked, dismissing the stares she was getting. I hesitated, remembering the burning sensation. She must've noticed.

"I didn't boil it too much this time, and!-" she handed me the tin box, I opened it, "I got some new fruit teas." She continued to smile. I couldn't help but smile and agreed.

We sat outside, the wind blowing at our hair, the mugs keeping our hands warm. I'd taken one of the fruit teas, as they were sweeter.

"You and Nathan must've really missed each other," she chirped. I guess that's how everyone saw it. I blushed and looked down into the cup.

"I don't know if he missed me," it was the truth, "but I really missed him." She cocked her head to the side.

"You don't think he missed you?" she was sounding really scared. I laughed a little to ease her tension.

"It's not that he ignored me or something… just-" I was at a loss for words, "he... just acted like everything was same old same old." I left the cup on the table. Playing with my fingers and looking away. She held out her hand and patted my shoulder, then gave a reassuring smile. I tried to smile back, but it was weak. I could tell. My gaze wandered until it hit Nathan's room. There was a small cloud blowing out the window. He was either getting high or just smoking. Where I was, and where he is, felt like the exact same distance that's been there since the beginning.

It became almost like a bad habit. As soon as we saw each other in the morning I would hold his hand. Sometimes dramatically or sometimes acting naturally. I would be the first out of class to catch up with him in the halls and see him off to class. Sometimes we switched, and he would drop me off. Every time, we would give either a half hug or a full hug. Each time afterward, I would blush out of his sight and my heart would feel like I was floating. Sometimes he didn't like my "overacting", which I had to watch out for since I didn't want to ruin anything. All the same, I had to keep wondering why exactly did I like him to this extent?

I was sleeping in my room, some music playing to cancel out the noises from outside. It was somehow still not enough to help me ignore the knocking. I sighed exhaustedly. I was in no mood to talk to Victoria. Nonetheless, I walked myself over to the door.

"Umm…" I said. A girl, a little younger than me in a plain red shirt and jeans stared at me. She had her hand to her shoulder and was even more puzzled about seeing me, than me seeing her. She looked familiar but I was having a hard time placing a name to her face.

"Samantha…?" she responded for me. I snapped my fingers in remembrance.

"Right, uh, what's up?" I leaned against the door frame, she looked annoyed.

"Why haven't you broken up with Nathan yet?" she said as if stating the obvious. I was lost. The girls outside my door saw us both, whispering this and that. I could already tell they were gonna twist the story into some juicy rumor.

"Just." I grabbed her elbow and pulled her out to the hall and onto the roof. They never locked the door, I don't know if it was laziness on the staff's part or they just didn't know it was unlocked. They probably figured we would stay away from the roof.

"Did you not pay attention to my warning?" Samantha spoke behind me, getting angrier. I pulled out my lighter and a cigarette I was working on earlier.

"What does it matter to you what I do?"

"It's not for you, it's so I can stop Nathan. He's," she gripped her shoulder again, "he's just so fucked up." It was so odd to me. This girl somehow knew something else about him, but how? He would snap at someone, there was no doubt about that. But she also gave off the sense that she knew more than she was letting on.

"Is the… the attack the only thing he did to you?" I asked; she nodded, "Why though?" She didn't respond, looking away. She wasn't looking at me to begin with but now she was avoiding my general direction.

"You dated him and he hurt you because you pissed him off?" I stated, she didn't respond again, instead, pressing her lips tight until they were just a line. I took a seat on the ledge, feeling my back tingle at the thought of the fall behind me.

"I won't ask what you did, but, you and I, we're different. Both to ourselves and to him," after no response, I continued, "and more importantly, I wanna help him." She finally snapped her attention to me.

"Why?"

"The same reason you probably had when you started dating him. Something's wrong with him, for sure, but I don't think it's who he really wants to be." I let a huff out to my right, looking out to the area in front of the school. A single person sat at a table, holding something. After they picked it up and put it close to their face, I realized it was Nathan. A smile crawled up my face. I returned to the conversation halfway.

"- his family. When he… hurt me, I just knew I had to get away." I turned back to her.

"As I said, I'm different than you." I snuffed out the butt and threw it on the ground as I stood up. I could see the visible frustration in her face.

"You keep saying that, but you probably haven't gotten any closer than I have." I gave her a dumbfounded look and in an instant, she had her arm across her body, her hand shaking and red and my cheek stinging from the impact.

"What the fuck!" I yelled, she stepped back, visibly scared. I heard something else coming from the door. I walked over and saw a pile of underclassmen looking like deer in front of headlights.

"You little flies better keep your mouths shut about all this!" They all nodded their heads in sync. I stomped right past them, still clutching at my cheek. To my continued bad luck, I ran into Victoria's henchwomen. They were waiting outside her door and snapped up as they saw me.

"Woah, what-"

"Don't wanna talk about it," I lifted my free hand to their faces and continued to the bathroom. I started to soak a paper towel in cold water when I saw them walk in.

"Want us to tell Victoria or… Nathan?"

"I don't want them to get involved in every fracas I get into," I pressed the paper to my cheek, immediately feeling the relief, "otherwise I would be no better than a baby."

After washing the rest of my face and changing my shirt, I left to find Nathan on his way back.

"I know what you're going to say, you were just about to call for me," I said with my hands extended to my side. He rolled his eyes and took another look at me, I guessed he was analyzing my cheek. He reached his hand to my cheek and I shyly backed up.

"It's nothing, I just fell asleep on my desk, I'm all good." I faked a smile. He didn't press on. Then he motioned for me to follow so I did. We were met with the usual stares at the front of the school. Those who were disgusted, jealous, or had a weird curiosity about our situation were free to stare however much they wanted. We headed to the parking lot towards his truck. The smell of something being burned surrounded the truck, making me realize Nathan had a little party of his own. Or perhaps accompanied by Victoria, as it was starting to seem like as of late. If I wasn't around to keep him company, Victoria was always at the ready to receive his call and join him. An outsider would think they probably did have a thing they just weren't sharing. A few days back, when he still wasn't talking to me, I was with Victoria in the library. I think it was for some research for Photography. She then got a call on her phone, when she looked up at me with this odd guilt in her eyes I never would've imagined seeing on the Victoria Chase. She'd missed the first call and was obliged to answer the second time he called. She did try to wedge the topic of me being there to no avail. In the end, she left in a hesitant pace, still, with that guilt-ridden expression.

I had to ask about the smell. Otherwise, live with the awkward atmosphere.

"Had a party in your car earlier?" I asked half concerned and half-jokingly. He must've taken it as more concerned than not, considering his response.

"What'cha gonna do? Take my stuff and trade it for cheap crap?" He slammed his door. I didn't get in. Thinking he was gonna drive away now. When he didn't, I responded.

"I knew you were upset about that."

"No shit," I got in and he put the car in reverse, "who wouldn't be mad? You sold yourself when you heard Frank was gonna up the prices."

"This and that are different," I said sternly, keeping my eyes on his glove compartment. I imagined the contents someone like Nathan would have in his glove compartment to keep me calm.

"What the f is that supposed to mean? It's drugs, Maddie." My heart sped up; I couldn't remember the last time he said my name. He always just called me "you". I shook my head and sat back.

"Okay, I'm sorry I took your stuff, is that what you want to hear?" I turned to look at him, obviously, he wasn't looking at me, but he did glance back to me every now and then. He had an odd frown about him. Like if someone was looking at a piece of expressionist art.

"I didn't take you for the giving in type." He mumbled, which was useless considering the small space.

"I sold myself to you, didn't I?" I retorted. His expression didn't change. He drove us to the parking lot closest to the beach. It was getting dark so there weren't that many people there. He walked out in a beeline to the shore. The nights were becoming more colder, so the slight breeze that passed by was enough to make me shiver. Nathan didn't seem to be the type to be so compassionate enough to try and keep me warm. He stared at the ocean, almost in a dazed look. It must've been whatever it was he had earlier affecting him now.

"You looking for something?" I asked, coming up behind him. He continued in his dazed look and turned around, going past me. He took off his coat and laid it on the sand, resting on it. I sat nearby on one of the rocks.

"You still haven't told me what San Francisco was like." I tried for a conversation.

"It's a cold-ass city, what else is there to it?" he cut the conversation short. Surprisingly, there were still people going about on the beach. It was difficult for me to understand why some people liked swimming in the cold weather.

"Are you gonna tell me what really happened with your cheek?" he suddenly spoke up. I quickly tried to come up with something, coming up short and sighing.

"It was just some girl; I can handle it," I responded frankly. He gave me a look like he didn't believe me.

"I'll just figure it out some other way, then," he said as he grabbed hold of my chin. I avoided eye contact with him, fearing it would cause me to be embarrassed. After what felt too long for him to just be examining it, I pushed his hand away.

"It's freezing, why are we here anyway?" I finally asked. He looked back at the parking lot.

"I was supposed to meet someone here, guess they aren't showing." I thought he was gonna head back to the car. To my surprise, he instead headed down the beach. Remembering the dead bird we'd seen before, I was hesitant to follow. He turned around to face me, lifting his shoulders and extending his hands while they were still in his pockets. The look on him read, "Well?". I followed in the end but kept my eyes off the ground. As we walked, we went past some other beachgoers. Some were jogging others were tumbling around and obviously drunk. It was the middle of the week, so it was odd to see someone let loose so soon.

"Wonder what kind of person thinks it's cool to drink in the middle of the week?" I asked. He chuckled, keeping his gaze ahead.

"The same kind of person that thinks it's cool to blaze it before school starts," he responded.

"If they're even in school," I joked. We continued like this. Adding onto whatever ridiculous thing we knew. It felt like for the first time, we were at least friends.

After a quiet moment, I decided to open a bandaged topic.

"I didn't sell your meds," I spoke softly, hoping he wouldn't hear, and we wouldn't have to talk about this more.

"I figured as much," he leaned against a wooden railing, "you would've left and used it to buy all of Frank's supply." I thought about mentioning the thing with Jo, but knew it was too soon to say anything without proof.

"I would've guessed you would just get more," I said, leaning on the railing, too. Though I quickly stood back up as I was scared it was gonna collapse. The railing didn't look to be very sturdy.

"I can't get more until I talk to my shrink again," he said and I could hear the frustration.

"You have a shrink?" I was astonished. His frown became tense. Touchy subject, I see.

"I won't talk about it if you let me become your shrink," I offered, wanting to be a little playful. He looked away, that tense expression still on him.

"Tell me when did it all start?" He stood up straight and stomped away heading further down the beach. I run to try and catch up to him to no avail. A car, stopped at the entrance of the parking lot, suddenly had it's door open and Nathan briskly walked towards it. Before going inside the car, he threw his keys to me. I was only barely able to catch them, still in shock from seeing him leave me so casually. That's just how it always is, I suppose.

Please excuse the extremely delayed update. After changing jobs I had to take some time to find my head and figure out where to head with this story. That being said, I don't know what updates will look like, so please bear with me. As always, though, I hope you enjoyed the read!