Amy Santiago doesn't smoke at parties.
She only does so once in a while, when the pressure becomes too much and she needs to relax in some ways. It's a habit she took back in college – things became more stressful then as she was getting closer to entering the real adult life and had to face the choices that come with. She resorted to this method when none of her usual calming techniques would work.
It all started with one of her classmates offering her a cigarette ("you look like you could use it right now," they said), to which she agreed. She told herself it would be the only time she would give smoking a chance. But she did it again after that – after it worked and calmed her down –, and again, until it became an addiction.
Until the urge to light up a cigarette every time she freaked out too much and nothing else would help her relax became too important to ignore.
She tried to stop but hasn't succeeded yet.
It doesn't help that she works in a very stressful environment where she faces death every day.
So Amy does smoke, but she never smokes at parties. Because parties aren't supposed to be stressful. They're supposed to be about friends and fun and having a great time – especially when said parties happen during one of the squad's annual getaways at Charles' beach house. These parties are usually the best, some that she looks forward to every year.
Still here she is, shamefully sneaking out of the party room and out of the house with the precious stick in her hand and a lighter carefully put in the pocket of her warm winter coat. She would like to blame her sudden urge to smoke on Jake, or maybe Charles and his stupid constant need to talk about food, but really, the only person she can blame here is herself.
Or rather, her four-drink counterpart, who didn't hesitate to say out loud what she usually manages to keep locked away at the very back of her head.
She doesn't even really know how Charles came to mention something about chicken fingers, of all things. All she remembers is him repeating the word 'finger' too many times for her perverted brain to handle. "You know who has nice, long fingers?" she spilled it out as her mind had gone elsewhere. "Jake." She didn't think before she dropped the bomb – she was too lost in her own thoughts.
It's only when she spotted the look of shock and disgust on her friends' faces that she realized that what she just said was too much. She felt her ears and cheeks and neck burn in a blush while she looked around the room, panic coursing wild in her veins. It died down a little when she noticed that Jake wasn't here and thus didn't hear her comment.
The anxiety didn't fully disappear though, as everyone remained silent around her. Only Charles broke it after a little while.
"You're right! Jake has amazing hands," he exclaimed with a grin. He was clearly oblivious to the awkward atmosphere that had fallen upon the room.
This was the last straw for Amy. She needed to get out of here. She needed to have a smoke.
So she left without a word nor a look towards her squad.
The wind is blowing when she takes a first step outside, sending shivers running down her spine. She's wearing gloves but she can still feel the cold burning the skin of her hands as it wraps tighter around the cigarette. Before she can bring it to her mouth, though, she spots a silhouette hidden in the dark of the night.
There's someone in the hot tub.
Amy curses under her breath – she hates being caught like this, during one of her most shameful moments.
She squeezes her eyes in order to better see who's there. Her heart misses a beat when she recognizes him – the reason why she's outside right now. "Jake?! What, uh–… what are you doing here?" He's facing her, sitting a few meters away from her in nothing but his swim trunks and a beer in one hand.
Her first reflex is to try and hide the cigarette behind her back so that he can't see it, although she knows she doesn't have to do this.
Unlike Teddy and other past boyfriends, Jake knows about her addiction. He has had for a while.
Plus, he's not even her boyfriend anymore.
"And here I thought somebody had finally noticed I've been gone for like, the past half-hour," he jokes. It's all it takes for Amy's body to relax as she lets out a small chuckle. She can't help but feel a little guilty, too – although she did notice his absence (and even felt relieved about it only mere minutes ago), it's true she, or no-one in the squad for that matter, didn't think about checking on him.
To her defence, Amy imagined he might have gone away to call his girlfriend and thus needed some privacy. She didn't want to go look for him and see if her assumptions were true. She didn't think she could handle the sight of him sitting on his bed with a grin on his face and his eyes full of adoration if she were to catch him in a deep conversation with Valerie.
(Or worse. If she were to walk on him sex-calling her.)
(Damn her mind after four drinks for taking her thoughts to such unsettling places she'd rather not picture in her head.)
It would have been too hurtful.
"You okay?" His question startles her out of her reverie. For a second, Amy worries that he might have read the pain in her eyes (he's always been good at reading her, after all) but then she spots how his own eyes are darting towards the cigarette she's still hiding. Of course he knows what it means, when she goes out to have a smoke.
She can feel her ears burning in the beginning of a blush when she brings her attention back onto him.
"Yeah, I just, uh–… it's nothing." She looks away, unable to hold his intense – caring – gaze on her.
She can't really let him in on what triggered her – can't look him in the eye and confess that he happened.
He, and what he used to make her feel, with these damn nice fingers of his.
(It's not just this, though. It's so much more than the great sex they used to have. It's everything. She misses him – all of him, including who she was, when they were together. She loved him, truly and fully, and if she's being true to herself, she never stopped. She never managed to move on. But he has, and everything is going great with his new girlfriend.
So she can't tell him.)
Thankfully for her, Jake doesn't seem like dwelling more on the topic. He doesn't ask her to further explain herself. And Amy's grateful for it – she's not thinking straight enough to come up with an excuse as to what brought her here, in this dark and quiet night.
Despite her first instincts – it might have been a while since they parted ways now, but it's not too often she and Jake find themselves being just the two of them outside of work –, Amy takes a few steps in his direction. Her face softens when she reaches his side and she watches him, all alone in this tub. It's very unlike him to do such things – to leave a party to stay on his own.
This is why she asks, echoing his own previous question and concerns, "Are you?"
"Yeah," he says with a smile.
Amy studies his face for a beat, just to make sure he's telling the truth. She can't bring herself to hold his gaze for too long, though. The way he's staring at her, with such intensity with his whole face glowing in the light of the hot tub, quickly forces her to look down. Her eyes focus on his chest instead.
Which is a bad idea, she soon realizes. Because all her inebriated mind does is make her think about how she wishes she could run her hands through the exposed skin, tracing every muscle there.
But she can't. There was a time she could, but not anymore. She was dumb enough to let him go, overwhelmed with her fears and doubts about messing everything up.
"Oh, you can smoke your cigarette if you feel the need to. I don't mind," Jake suddenly breaks the silence that naturally fell upon them. It startles Amy a little, who had completely forgotten about her need to smoke. She looks down at the small stick still wrapped inside her hand – she doesn't feel any urge to light it up overcoming her body as she stares at it.
She notices how her heartbeat has slowed back down to normal, too. She's not stressed out anymore, thus doesn't feel the need to use a cigarette.
All thanks to Jake's soothing presence.
She shoots him a smile. "Thanks. But actually, I don't want to anymore," she tells him sincerely.
But then she realizes she has no excuse to stay here with him anymore either. She doesn't want to leave his side, though. She tries to think about a way to keep their conversation going – something that shouldn't be hard, given how easy it is to talk with him. Until her reason takes over. It's probably best if she just goes back to the rest of their group, even though it means facing them again after the awkwardness she brought earlier with her words.
Jake and she might be friends (best friends, even, in the sense that no-one else knows and understands her better than he does), he's also still an ex-boyfriend of hers.
An ex-boyfriend she never managed to stop having feelings for when he clearly did. Which sucks – and hurts.
The wind starts blowing again, sending shivers running down her spine with the rush of cold it suddenly brings to her body, and Amy thinks this is her sign.
"Wanna come back downstairs?" she offers, then. She might believe him when he says he's fine, it doesn't mean it pleases her to see Jake alone while everyone else is enjoying their time together.
(She will never tell him that, but she also believes he always livens up a party with his shenanigans. Plus, she thinks that if he comes back down with her, their friends will have the decency not to bring up her comment about his nice, long fingers and make things even more embarrassing than they already are.)
"Maybe in a bit. I want to finish my beer first," he says and Amy hesitates again. Wouldn't she be a bad friend if she just left him like this?!
She's really freezing now, though, in this winter weather, and his beer is still half-full. That's why she eventually chooses to go.
After all, Jake doesn't look too bad nor sad. On the contrary, he's looking at her fondly – which makes her heart melt in her chest.
Yep, it's definitely better if she stays away from him tonight.
"Okay. See you, then," she walks towards the door, her whole body already relaxing at the mere thought of being surrounded with the warmth of the inside of the house again.
The feeling soon turns into frustration when she wraps her hand around the knob and pushes, but nothing happens. She tries again, harder this time, before coming to the realization that the door is closed. It's a little weird, she can't help but think as she turns back into Jake's direction, since it wasn't closed when she first came out.
"Do you have the key?" she asks in a hopeful voice.
"Nope. Why? The door wasn't closed when I came in," he says and the frustration is soon replaced with a slight pang of panic building at the center of her core.
"It wasn't when I came in either. But now it is."
She doesn't wait for a reaction as she brings her attention towards the door. She rings at the doorbell and knocks on the hard wood. She even tries to call her friends' names, but receives no answer from them. The panic keeps growing as seconds pass and she becomes more and more aware of the cold wind hitting her.
It doesn't help her to calm down and think straight – it's quite the opposite, actually.
She absolutely hates being cold.
"I can't stay out here," she lets out in desperation after another round of trying to open the damn door. This is when she remembers she's not alone, and looks back at Jake, hopeful he might help her – after all, even though she wouldn't dare to admit it out loud and help his already big enough ego, he always has the best ideas.
"Hey, it's okay. I'm sure someone will eventually come and open the door," he tells her then, probably reading the helplessness in her eyes.
Amy knows he wants to be supportive, and his whole being radiates calmness as he talks to her, but yet all she can do is pick up on one word he lets out that makes her freak out a little harder.
"Eventually?!"
"You can just come in the hot tub in the meantime." Thankfully, he's quick to come up with something else. "It's really nice in here. And hot. And I have an extra beer I'd be happy to share."
Although the offer does sound appealing this time and could actually help her feel better about the whole situation indeed, Amy lets out a sigh.
"I'm not wearing my swimsuit."
Despite her words, she walks towards him – there's no need for her to remain by the door now. Plus she could use some company – she hopes Jake will come up with ways to distract her from her newfound anxiety. After all, he's always been pretty good at it – especially after they started dating.
Her answer doesn't seem to throw him off. "And? It wouldn't be the first time I'm seeing you in your underwear. Plus I won't look anyway, and you can't see anything in here!"
To say Amy's startled by his words is an understatement. He's right, of course – he did see her in her underwear often, and even naked – but wouldn't it be weird now, as they parted ways?
Wouldn't it be weird regarding his girlfriend?
She knows he would never do something Valerie wouldn't be at ease with, though. And the woman never seemed thrown off by their proximity whenever he invited her to hang out with the squad and Amy was here as well – not that the two exes were really close, when Valerie was here. They couldn't be. He had all eyes on her and her only.
Amy remembers the first time she saw the other woman. She was the last of their group of friends to meet her. She wasn't too keen on getting to know the new person who had stolen Jake's heart. She could hear enough stories about her back at the precinct – stories that always made her heart clench in her chest. She didn't want to know what would happen when facing her, then.
But when one month turned into three, she had to acknowledge this new relationship might be getting serious and the other woman would be around for a while.
Tall, blond, with a huge smile plastered on her face, Valerie entered Shaw's bar walking hand-in-hand with Jake. He did the introductions, nervously watching as the two shook hands. Their encounter was very short and polite – Valerie even complimented Amy on her handshake. And although they didn't talk much that night, Amy had to admit the other woman seemed nice.
And good for Jake.
She remembers how they spent most of the night just the two of them at the bar, sharing some food and drinks. Even though she tried not to pay them too much attention, Amy couldn't help but shoot a few glances in their direction once in a while, especially when Valerie's laughter would rise into the air after Jake probably told her one of his stupid jokes.
Her hand was on his thigh, touching him in an intimate gesture while he was looking at her with a grin he used to offer her and eyes shining with what could be interpreted as pure adoration.
Amy quickly turned her attention away from the pair and reached for her drink, heart aching like hell at the reminder that she was the one he used to make laugh and the realization that he was, indeed, completely over her – now only Valerie mattered. She's seen her a couple of times again since, and it's always been the same.
So of course Valerie has nothing to worry about her joining Jake in a hot tub half-naked. Because of course he won't look at her – it's been a while he hasn't looked at her like he used to. Like she's the moon and stars and everything. Like he now probably looks at Valerie.
(The lucky woman.)
"I don't know…" she trails off, shaking the depressing thoughts away from her mind, but Jake insists.
"C'mon, Ames, you're freezing! The water's really good." He playfully – and without a warning first – splashes her with some water. She gets the immediate reflex to take a step away as she looks down at her coat. Getting it wet surely won't help her to warm up, even though that water is good and hot indeed – she can feel it as a few droplets hit the bare skin of her face.
"Stop! I don't want to get it wet!" she complains, although she can't help but feel a little amused by his shenanigans too.
"'I Don't Want to Get it Wet' – title of your sex tape!"
Amy freezes suddenly. She hasn't heard such a sentence being thrown at her in such a long time; so much so that it feels weird now. It brings back memories of what they used to be.
And if she used to roll her eyes at him when he'd say that to her, right now she doesn't know how to react to the joke.
(The remnants of her 4-drink counterpart can't help but think about how wet, as opposed to what he just implied, Jake used to make her, too. Thankfully for her, said counterpart has died down enough by now to keep those thoughts at bay this time and not feel the urge to share them with him. The consequences would have been terrible otherwise.)
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have–…" His voice brings her back to reality. He's looking at her apologetically, and Amy can't help but dismiss him with a smile to reassure him.
"No, it's okay. It was actually a good one." And she means it. She kind of missed this banter between the two of them.
Her body shivers once more and she remembers the warm feeling of water hitting her face. She decides she'd be stupid to let her concerns prevent her from enjoying a hot tub. If Jake's okay with her joining him – which he truly seems to be –, then there's no need to make a whole fuss about it herself.
Plus, she trusts him. More than she will ever trust anyone. Of course he won't make things weird.
(She trusts herself a little less on that part right now, but she knows she'll feel better after she downs her next drink – aka. the beer Jake promised her.)
"Anyway, you're right," she says, then. "The water is good. I think I'll take you up on that offer to join you in."
She hurries to undress not to let the cold overwhelm her even more than it already does, with being outside with fewer and fewer clothes on, until she finds herself only in her bra and panties. Then she enters the hot tub. Her body immediately relaxes against the feeling of hot water skimming her skin. She lets out a contented sigh, closing her eyes to better appreciate the new (welcomed) warmth that's overcoming her as she lets herself sink into the water until only her head is out. The tips of her loosened hair are floating over her bare shoulders. She feels good, here.
When she opens her eyes again and sets them on him, she can see Jake looking at her with an amused smile.
"What?" she asks with a curious frown, although his smile is contagious as she can feel her own lips curve up slightly.
"Told you you'd enjoy it."
His grin is so smug, she wants to kiss the expression away from his face. But of course she can't.
"Shut up." She settles for fake-annoyance instead and splashes him in the face. It makes him laugh; soon enough she finds herself laughing along with him.
The atmosphere between them remains this light for a while, sharing their beers and stories about their past. It definitely feels like old times, and Amy would let herself drown into this sweet feeling of things being right when she's with Jake if it weren't for his phone ringing and the thought that it might be his girlfriend contacting him taking over her mind.
Still she almost forgets about her again for a hot minute, when they both get lost in the recollection of a scene from when they were still together. Until she suddenly remembers what Jake was about to do before she interrupted him. "Anyways, sorry. You should check your phone, yeah. What if it's Valerie? Maybe she has something important to tell you."
Her heart breaks a little in her chest at the mention of his girlfriend. She needs to look away from him, unable to meet his eyes.
"Yeah, about that… I doubt it's her." The tone of his voice is somehow doubtful, which makes her look up at him again. She doesn't understand.
"Why? I know we said it's a no spouses and partners weekend, but you can still text them."
"I know. But that's the thing. We're not together anymore." Clearly, she wasn't expecting that.
So many emotions take over Amy's heart once she hears the news, it's hard for her to keep up with them.
"Oh." She can't seem to remember how to talk. Actually, she doesn't know what to tell him. Part of her is feeling bad for Jake, obviously.
But part of her is also (very shamefully – very selfishly) thriving. Which she shouldn't be. This doesn't open up new possibilities. Jake being single doesn't mean he might have feelings for her again. And even if he did, they broke up for a reason. One Amy often thinks was dumb, the more she muses about it (and she does so more than she'd care to admit), but still.
She feels terrible for having such thoughts now, as Jake just told her about his break up with his girlfriend.
"I'm sorry," she adds. And she means it – although judging by his body language right now, he doesn't seem that crushed.
"It's okay. It's been a few weeks now. I'm over it."
For a second, Amy feels a little betrayed he didn't tell her before. But she understands, deep down. It's weird to talk break ups with your ex-girlfriend.
Yet, despite this thought, she can't help but ask him for more details. "What happened?"
The look he gives her in return makes her regret her words immediately. "Sorry. Of course you don't have to tell me if you don't want to," she quickly says, then.
"I couldn't say 'I love you' back," he blurts it out and Amy's heart tightens in her chest at the words.
"Oh. And did you?" She clears her throat, the pain of what he might answer hitting a little harder. She doesn't even know why she asks. "Love her back?"
She studies him but his eyes are stuck on his beer.
"Yeah. I wasn't deeply in love with her or something but, y'know…" he trails off. Just like that, the last thread of hope that was still hanging at the very back of her mind is gone. All Amy can feel right now is bad for Jake – for her best friend – to have had to go through such a thing. She just wants him to be happy.
And if he were with Valerie… then it's a shame she left him.
(She can't understand why she did. Sure, he has his issues and sure, he wasn't very verbal with how he felt about her when they were still together either. But he had his own ways of showing he cared about her – well, maybe not as much as he did Valerie, since he probably didn't love her. Plus he's full of many a quality. The woman's a fool for having let him go like this.)
(Amy knows something about it, as she beats herself up over it every single day.)
"I'm so sorry. It sucks she broke up with you because of this." She wants to show him some support.
She feels the urge to grab his hand and hold it with hers, to touch him to show him she's there for him, but she restrains herself at the last second.
"Nah, she's right." He startles her when he talks again and looks at her this time. There's some resolution in his sad eyes that makes her heart ache for him. She hates seeing him like this. But then he goes on. "I am incapable of voicing my emotions. I mean, I was in love with you too and yet I never told you."
He says the words so naturally, Amy thinks she misunderstood at first. The feeling that overwhelms her is indescribable – it's a mix of utter joy and bittersweetness.
Jake loved her. She didn't know that. Sure, she knew he had feelings for her, but to go as far as talking about love…
It doesn't mean he still does, though. Actually, he most likely doesn't, since he fell in love with another since.
"You… you loved me?!" She's almost afraid of saying the words out loud, afraid he'll tell her this is not what he meant and she did misunderstand him indeed.
But he doesn't tell her that. On the contrary, what he says next makes her heart pound even harder in her chest than it already is.
"Of course I did. And maybe… maybe if I did tell you when it still mattered, we wouldn't have broken up too."
This is all too much information at once. It takes Amy a few more seconds to fully realize what just happened here. But when she does, a rush of confidence comes running through her veins.
(She can thank the now five-drink Amy taking over her mind and talking for her.)
"Well, maybe if I had told you too…" she lets him know what she couldn't say before as she gets even closer to him than they had already become.
There's a new fire, a new determination shining inside her eyes as she stares deep into his eyes, in-between two glances at his lips. She still has the memory of what these lips felt on hers stuck at the back of her head. She misses the taste of them so much. As she keeps approaching him, getting dangerously close now, she doesn't back away from her need to touch him. She brings her hand to his and gently covers it with her own.
Jake gets closer too, shoulders brushing together and ready to meet her halfway as he watches her with a knowing look.
Amy shuts her eyes in anticipation to better appreciate the feeling of what's to come when it suddenly happens.
"OUTCH!"
She's startled away from Jake from the sound of a man – Charles, she recognizes his voice easily – shouting in pain. Realization of what she was about to do hits her, and a huge pang of relief, mingled with frustration and sadness, overcomes her as she thinks about what a mistake it would have been if they'd kissed indeed.
They're both drunk. They can't do such things with a mind that's not completely clear. No matter how much she's been wanting this, how often she's been thinking about this in her fantasies, she can't handle the thought of him maybe regretting it the next day. She can't handle the thought of them rushing into things, and screwing up again.
"Charles?!" Jake hisses next to her as he calls out their common friend.
"Don't mind us and go back to kissing!" Their colleague says from the inside of the house.
But it's too late. The moment is lost and despite whatever her mind tries to tell her – especially when she meets with Jake's sad eyes –, it's for the best.
"I'm sorry. This was a bad idea."
She can't look at him as she gets out of the hot tub and gathers her clothes, then reaches for the door. She has to fight the urge to turn back, the urge to go and finish what they started. She knows if she looks at Jake she won't be able to restrain herself. So she doesn't.
This was a bad idea, the words are going on a loop in her head while she tries to convince herself.
"Charles, open up!" She knocks on the door, hard. She's in no mood to wait and play along with his dumb games – all that she wants is to take a hot shower and tuck herself inside her warm covers. She needs to forget about the whole night.
Once she's finally inside, Amy acts like heading straight to her room but some music coming from the party still going downstairs catches her attention. It makes her stop in her tracks in the middle of the stairs to listen to it when she recognizes the song.
So have you got the guts?
Been wondering if your heart's still open and
If so I wanna know what time it shuts
Simmer down and pucker up
I'm sorry to interrupt it's just I'm constantly
On the cusp of trying to kiss you
I don't know if you feel the same as I do
But we could be together, if you wanted to
She lets out a frustrated groan at the irony of it. The lyrics of this song definitely hit too close to home. They remind her too much of what might have happened only mere minutes ago.
With a sigh, she shakes the thoughts away from her head and hurries to her room. There, she locks herself inside and gets rid of the last few pieces of clothing on her as she enters the shower. The water running down her body as she washes herself kind of helps her sober up a little, and her mind his clearer when she eventually goes to bed.
But she doesn't go to sleep just yet. She can't, not after what happened. Not after what she learned.
Jake is single again, she goes through every new bit of information one by one. He has been for some time now, enough to actually think about dating again.
He loved her, back when they were still in a relationship. Which they never told each other before – if Amy thought about letting out the words several times, she never did. She knew it might make him feel uncomfortable to hear them – she knew he might not be able to say them back. She was willing to wait.
It seems that they waited for too long, though. But now they both have feelings for each other again.
Or so it looks like. Which lead to the last part. They almost kissed.
Shivers run down Amy's spine and her heart starts racing in her chest as she remembers the moment – how her whole body awoke in anticipation to get to feel his lips against hers once more, after all this time.
Does she want to kiss him again? Yes.
Does she want to go back together with him? Damn, yes.
Is it a good idea? She's not so sure. She has had months to imagine such a scenario happening, but now that the possibility is becoming real and tangible, it's a whole other situation. One she has to deeply think about before coming to any conclusion. So, Amy does what she does best: she makes a list. The pros and cons of starting over. She decides to start with the cons.
1. We were drunk, she writes first.
2. We broke up for a reason.
3. Going back together with your ex is never a good idea.
4. Especially since he broke up with his last girlfriend only weeks ago.
And that's it. No matter how long she stares at the page in front of her, how hard she tries to think about it, she can't come up with more reasons than these four right now. So she switches sides, and goes to the pros.
She begins with the obvious, with those same words she let out right before they got together the first time, when she knew all too well the impact they would have.
1. He makes me laugh.
Then she keeps writing, adding reason after reason. Her mind is rushing and it's like she can't stop. She thinks about Jake, about how good he is, how right it felt when she was with him. She thinks about the things she misses about him; about what they used to be. She thinks about what changed – what improved – in her life when they were seeing each other romantically.
They weren't together for that long, didn't reach the 6 months mark but still. He managed to shatter her world like nobody else ever did.
(He already had, to be honest, even before they started dating. And he still does, even just as friends.)
That's how she comes up with her last, maybe most important reason why she should give their story another chance: I love him.
She stares at her list for a while with her heart pounding in her chest. A small smile forms on her lips. Yep, she definitely wants to get back together with him.
The only question now is to know if Jake wants as well. Sure, he didn't back off when she leaned in earlier to kiss him. But, as she wrote on the 'cons' side of her list, they were both drunk. Maybe he's going to see it as a moment of weakness, after having been dumped by the woman he loved. Maybe he just wanted to kiss her and nothing more. Maybe he doesn't want to try again.
The simple thought of it makes her heart ache.
Amy knows they need to talk, has had ever since she chose to left him earlier, but she's also well aware of how late it is right now and how this is a conversation that needs to wait until the next day. She neatly folds the list and puts it away on the nightstand next to her before she switches the lights off and lies her head down on the pillow, ready to fall asleep.
(In her dream, Jake kisses her – and nobody's there to interrupt them this time.)
It's barely 7 a.m. when she wakes up, a time she more than anyone knows to be too early for Jake to be awake already – especially on a weekend. Actually, no one in the house seems to be yet, as she finds herself surrounded with complete silence when she goes down to the kitchen. Her head hurts a little, but she thankfully doesn't feel too hungover.
She makes a stop in front of her ex-boyfriend's door on her way. She has to fight the urge to knock right now and forces herself to go on with her course instead. She goes through her list of pros and cons one more time as she makes herself some breakfast, planning a whole speech in her mind about what to tell Jake. More than ever she's certain of her feelings and what she wants.
By the time she's finished eating and getting changed, it's 8 a.m. and there's still not a sound inside the house. She can't retain herself any longer, though – she needs to talk to Jake now. She can't wait for him to wake up on his own. She can't lose her chance of talking to him in private either, if he were to wake up after the rest of their squad does. She can't wait until they're back in Brooklyn to have this conversation. It's too important – and not only for her. If they don't mention what almost happened the previous night, things might become awkward between them.
Which she obviously doesn't want. Jake's too important for her to risk losing him.
(Yet she might, if she tells him she wants to get back together with him but he doesn't. She quickly chases the thought away, though. She can't back off now. She can't miss her chance – they missed enough chances to last a lifetime in the past, back when they hadn't been dating yet. And like they both acknowledged the previous night when they finally let each other know of their feelings for the other while they were still in a relationship, it's better to tell the other how you feel or you might put an end to a beautiful story for dumb reasons.)
Before knocking on his door, Amy goes back down to the kitchen to grab a glass of water and an Aspirin. Not only does she think he might need it, it will also probably help her start a conversation and ease her anxious body with the offer. She freezes for a second in front of his door before she pushes herself to eventually knock.
She hears him groan from the other side of the room and it makes her smile. Jake definitely isn't a morning person.
(There was a time when she knew how to wake him up so that he wouldn't mind seeing the early hours of the day in the slightest.)
A few seconds pass before he opens the door. When he does, Amy's heart misses a beat at the sight of him as flashes of the previous night come back to her. She has to restrain herself from simply kissing him right here and there and forget about everything else.
God, she's in so deep.
"Amy?!" Jake seems startled to see her here.
His hair is messy at the top of his head, with some curls going everywhere. Amy wishes she could smooth them down like she used to love doing so, before.
(Like she knows Jake used to love too. And if everything goes well, she might be able to do it again soon.)
"Hey." She quickly dismisses the thought – she needs to focus right now. She shows him what she's holding. "Brought you some Aspirin and a glass of water. I thought you might need it." She softly smiles at him as she hands them to him.
"Thank you." Jake sounds distant. He's barely looking at her. It makes her hesitate for a beat until she forces herself to find some composure.
"Can I… come in?" she asks. Her heart is literally pounding in her chest. "I feel like we should talk." Her own voice is more solemn than she wanted it to be.
Jake doesn't say anything in return. He simply agrees to her request with a nod and by throwing himself to the side. She enters the room and they silently walk towards the bed, where they sit together.
Amy takes a huge breath before she talks again. This is it, this thinks as she feels her hands shake a little in both fear and excitement. The moment of truth has arrived.
"I'm sorry about last night. I crossed a line," she starts her speech with an apology.
Even though she does want to get back together with him, Amy still believes it shouldn't start with them drunkenly kissing. She shouldn't have come for him like that and 'take advantage' of his confession to do what she'd been dreaming of doing (though always restrained herself) for a long while.
"It's okay," Jake cuts her with a sigh. It startles her – she wasn't expecting that. What he says next, doing the whole speech himself, startles her even more. "We were both drunk and got lost in the moment. It's a good thing Charles came in before we could actually do something we would have regretted immediately after. Because we both know this can't work romantically, right?"
It's all it takes to leave Amy heartbroken and at a loss of words. She's taken off-guard for not having been able to say her own speech. She thinks she catches some hurt in his eyes, as if he's saying these words in a resigned way more than truly meaning them, but she might be wrong. She is wrong, and simply reading into his face what she wishes were true so that she can still have hope.
Her eyes land towards the hand that's lying next to hers for a beat, so close yet so far away. She remembers the feeling of her skin touching his the previous night. The pain that she won't get to intertwine these fingers with hers rushes through her veins.
This is definitely not the outcome she had hoped for. But if this is what Jake wants… well, she can't go against that.
She tries to play it cool, then. "Right… no 'romantic-stylez' to ever happen between us anymore, uh?" she lets it out amusedly but inside, her heart is crushing hard.
There's no need to stay here any longer, now that they made it clear there's no getting back together. She has no speech to go by anymore, nothing to help her overcome this situation. "Well, if we both agree… I guess I'll see you later? Sorry I woke you up," she simply says as she feels the sudden urge to leave. She doesn't move just yet, though – stares Jake in the eye one last time.
Then she stands up and rushes towards the door. She can sense his presence in her back as he's following her. It makes her stop at the door. She's really not feeling at ease with the outcome of this conversation. She can't let things end like this. She needs to say something, let him know of these feelings she kept inside for too long before – even if she knows it won't change anything.
At least it'll be out of her chest.
But when Amy turns around and her eyes meet with Jake's, the words die down at the back of her throat. "So… we're good, right?" she's only able to ask.
She couldn't bear the thought of this 'incident' pushing them away from each other all over again. It took them some time after they broke up to go back to normal – and she doesn't want to relive that period of awkwardness and having to overthink every time they want to tell the other something.
"We're good." He nods.
"Noice." She mimics his old antics. She's clearly stalling, now, as she tries to smile at him – it barely reaches her eyes.
"Smort." He returns an amused smile.
There's nothing more to say. So Amy turns around, ready to leave for good this time and hope she'll be able to quickly get over this rejection. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe this is the closure she needed to finally get over him, she tries to persuade herself. She's in the middle of thinking about this when she feels something grasping her wrist. She's being pulled away from the door.
The gesture is so sudden, she doesn't have the time to realize what's going on until Jake's lips are on hers and eagerly claiming her mouth.
At first, she thinks that she's dreaming.
But then she finds herself kissing him back, her whole body melting against his own and her heart exploding in her chest, and it's like the world is turning round again. All of her thoughts of closure and getting over him wash away as she doesn't waste any time to bring her hands to his hair like she so wished to do so previously. Jake keeps her close while she deepens the kiss. His touch on her waist sends shivers running down her spine, like this is all happening for the first time. Yet, the way their bodies align so well together reminds her how this is not.
How this is an intimacy they used to know and love.
Then, they have to (reluctantly) part.
Slowly going down from her high, Amy can't help but wonder why Jake did this, after what he just told her. She's hopeful, yet doesn't want to get her hopes too up again.
"Sorry, it's just that–… No, we're not good," he tells her and she frowns. "We're far from good. I wasn't that drunk yesterday, and I do think we could work things out. I'm ready to try and make things work – y'know, romantic-stylez. Because I love you."
And just like that, it's like a weight is being lifted off her chest. She can feel some tears of emotion prickling inside her eyes at his (last) words.
Jake loves her. And she loves him too. Which she doesn't waste any time to tell him – to hell with her grand speeches. She'll be able to come up with plenty of those later if she wants.
Because he's ready to try and make things work between the two of them. He wants to give their story another chance, too.
Amy brings her lips to his in another kiss, already missing them, after all this time being apart. A playful smile is lighting up Jake's entire face when she draws away. He's still holding her by the waist, as if he's not willing to let her go now that they found each other again – and really, she doesn't mind in the slightest. She doesn't want to leave either.
Her own hands are on his chest. She can feel the loud thump of his beating heart and how it's very slowly getting down to normal.
"Y'know, I was gonna cry myself back to sleep about how I let you go again, but I guess I could use some company now, if you wanna stay…" He shoots her a knowing, amused look. It makes Amy chuckle lightly.
"Well, I guess I could use a nap too," she answers just as playfully. Jake grins in return but doesn't say a word.
Instead, he leads her to the bed with his hand securely wrapped around hers and it's like no time has passed nor been lost between them.