Doing an One-Eighty

POV: Anakin

I was running through the Jedi hallways trying to beat the clock. I had about three minutes to get to Depa's apartment for our meditation and session. She was not going to mind if I was a little late, but Obi-Wan would never let me hear the end of it. I could just hear him now saying, "Anakin take care of your health. It is important, blah, blah, blah". Also, he would tell Padme, who would cry and say I am not taking care of myself and I was turning to the dark side. I screamed internally in frustration. The only reason why I was late was because I was repairing a damaged speeder and forgot to look at the time.

Finally, I got to the antechamber and sat. Now that I was done running, I was restless, and could not keep my leg still. I was glad Obi-Wan was not with me, I would be getting an earful today.

The door opened and Master Depa stepped out. "Hello, Anakin, come in."

"Sorry I am late. Time got away from me," I explained.

"No need to apologize. My last session ran over, so you were not late at all."

She got her data tablet out. "So, how have you been?"

I sighed. "Well. I guess I can tell you that Padme and I are going to try to make it work. We are going out and just spending some time together."

"That's good."

"You are going to tell me that attachment are not the Jedi way, aren't you?" I said bitterly.

"We're dead," she said with a smile. "One with the force. You can not get much more detached than that. If you choose to have a life partner, that is your prerogative. In fact, a lot of Jedi choose mates on this side of death. It is not uncommon."

"Oh." I said. She was smiling. "What?"

"What was your plan if that didn't go your way?" she said laughing.

"I would tell the Jedi Order to go to hell. In a nice way," I said smiling.

"Uh huh," she said smiling back. "So, what do you want to talk about today?"

"Well, Padme and I went out on a date like I said, and I told her about the time I tried to commit suicide."

"What happened?"

"She told Obi-Wan, who already knew, and Ashoka, my mom, and Rex, who did not know. And then-"

"Wait. Who are Ashoka and Rex?"

"Ashoka is my old Padawan from the Clone Wars and Rex is a clone, and one of my best friends from the Clone Wars."

"So she told you master, your mother, and two of your best friends. So essentially your family?"

"Yes."

"How did they take it?"

"Well Mom cried and hugged me and made me promise not to do it again. Ashoka hit me, called me an idiot and told me not to do it again. And Rex, well Rex saluted me and said I snapped because we "broke the gang up", and if he, 'Sokka, and Obi-Wan would have been there I never would have gone to the dark side."

"Sounds like you have a good support group."

"Yeah I do."

"Maybe Anakin Skywalker is lovable."

I shrugged.

"How is your medication doing?"

"Its okay. I don't want to mess with it right now. Unless…"

"Unless what?"

"Is there anything that can help with nightmares?"

"What sort of nightmares?"

"I see things. It is the same every night. I go to sleep and I see Padme, the love of my life. We get into an argument about me killing her and she chooses not to be with me. Then her body morphs into a grotesque version of her pregnancy and I fall to my knees and scream. Then I wake up."

"That sounds horrifying. Can you fall back to sleep after you have the dream?"

I shook my head. "No. Sometimes I meditate or watch something on HoloNet."

"Well we can do a couple of things. It seems like the dream is connected to your guilt and depression, so we could increase your antidepressant that you are taking every night. You are taking them, right?"

"Uh, yeah." I lied.

"Anakin."

I flinched, she had the same disapproving tone as Obi-Wan. "Okay," I muttered "So I missed a few days. I forget about it."

"What will help you make sure you don't forget about it?"

I wrestled with myself. It would be easy, but no. He could get me on a schedule, but no. She would probably tell him anyway. "Letting Obi-Wan remind me," I said.

"Okay, I think that is a good plan. How are your meditations with Yoda going?"

"Oh, we are supposed to start those?" I asked innocently.

"Anakin, if you are going to get better, you have to take the initiative."

I don't want to get better, I just want Padme. I spent the last thirty years of my life without her. But I knew that wasn't going to get me anywhere. "Yeah okay," I said quietly. "I'll take care of myself."

"Why do you think that is so difficult for you to do?"

I shrugged. She stared at me waiting for a verbal answer, and I groaned. "I hate everything about this today," I muttered. "Okay, its hard because I'm out of practice. I got tortured by the Emperor and was basically his weapon for thirty years. Now everyone wants me to let people in and go to therapy and meditate on the light. I can't do a one eighty that fast it takes time."

"You did an one-eighty to save Luke."

"Yeah, because he was Luke."

"What does that mean?"

"He is my son. I love him. Has anyone been watching my children since we have been up here? Not to brag but they are amazing. Leia is so smart with battle strategy. She has the Empire on the run. She get that from me you know. And Luke, he is so like his mother with such big plans. He can see three hundred years into the future. He already has a plan to start a new Jedi Order that was even better than the one on Corrasaunt. He gets that from Padme too, having a plan to serve an entire generation, she can do that. So of course I threw off the dark side to save my children, they are my children."

"Anakin," said Depa. "The last time you were here, you talked about dropping a building on yourself because you had no reason to live. Now, you are a proud father who is up-to-date on all his children are doing. You have a family, you have a purpose. Now I know you were not close to Leia, but you were close to Luke, right?"

"Well, I was not close to either of them because of Vader, but yes I have a sense that Luke cares for me. Leia would care for me if I had not been evil all of her life."

"For right now let's focus on Luke. How would it make Luke feel if he knew that you were to hurt yourself, or just neglect yourself to the point of getting hurt?"

I sighed. "He would be disappointed. Alright. I see your point."

I got up and thanked her for her time. I left thinking about my kids, and how much I missed them. I would not let them down.