Chapter 18: I Don't Remember
Anakin POV
I was walking through the Jedi Temple coming from Master Depa's chamber's when Ashoka ran right into me. Literally, she smacked right into me.
"Ouch," she said.
"Where are you going in such a hurry, Snips?" I asked.
"To teach a younglings class. This is one of the first classes I get to teach since I have been let back in the order. I'm so nervous."
"Well, good luck," I said helping her up then going the other way.
"Wait Skyguy," she said coming after me.
"Damn it," I muttered under my breath.
"Why don't you come with me?" she said.
I took a deep breath. "Snips, I…I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because I got to… go find Obi-Wan. He needs me," I said, and I was walking away before she could protest.
I was in the hanger, working on the engine of my Eta-2 starship, when I felt a familiar presence beside me. Oh god, I thought, I'm in trouble.
"Hey Master, can you hand me the clear screwdriver next to you?"
"You can use the force. You pick it up." said Obi-Wan.
I let my head fall back on the garage creeper. "Master, don't start with me."
"I don't like being part of a lie Anakin, and you know that."
"Really?" I said getting up. "Then tell me old honest one, are my children alive? Because I spent thirty years of my life thinking they were dead."
"We were protecting them from Palpatine," said Obi-Wan raising his tone a little. "You were part of the package because of your own choices. If you do not have memories of your children, it is your own fault."
That got me angry. "They were my only link to Padme." I said getting in his face. "My only glimmer of hope and I did not know about them at all. I was in surgery when they "died" and were "buried". I didn't even get to say goodbye."
"Anakin, I know what you lost. I was there remember?" asked Obi-Wan gently.
"I don't know anything about them really. My own children," I said dejectedly.
"Well, you could ask."
"Yeah, your right. What can you tell me?"
"Well, Luke looked a lot like you when you were a boy. He had blue eyes and sandy blond hair. When I was watching him on Tatooine, he seemed to always be into something. He loved working on machines like you do. He wanted to grow up and be a pilot and he was obsessed with finding out anything about you. He was already strong with the force before he started his training.
"Now Leia looked like Padme, with her brown curly hair, and brown eyes. And she acted like her, too. Always wanted to get into congress and work in the Galactic Senate. As you know, by the time she was just eighteen she was one of the superior spies of the rebel alliance. But she had your temperament. I would remember Bail Organa would write to me on Tatooine about how difficult she was in her younger years, how she was impulsive, impatient, and sometimes angry. He would ask me for guidance, and I would wish I could message Yoda. All I could tell him was what I did for you, and if it worked, I suggested it to him."
"So Leia's got a temper?" I asked chuckling to myself. I felt it when I was around her. But she had been captured by the enemy, so of course she was mad.
"Apparently, it was genetic," Obi-Wan said.
"Luke was like Padme," I said. "Luke could look Palpatine straight in the eye and say "You failed, your highness," with the same confidence that Padme had. He is all of her, no doubt about it."
"You know a little about them Anakin," said Obi-Wan. "Now what is this dealings with the younglings?"
I felt my head bow, and my stomach drop. My mouth ran dry and my hands shook. I felt tears prick my eyes and I tried to blink them away. What was this some form of exorcism?
"I killed them," I choked out.
"I know," said Obi-Wan putting his hand on my shoulder. "Do you remember why?"
"Sidious' Orders," I said.
Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "You were never one who blindly follows orders, Anikan."
"I did not want to. There was a way out. I was going to lie to Sidious and tell him that I killed them when I let them escape."
Obi-Wan nodded. "That was the plan. What happened?"
"I blacked out," I whispered. "When I came out of it, they were dead." I felt a tear running down my check.
"You don't remember killing them?" Obi-Wan said.
"No," I said. "What kind of a monster am I?"
"Sidious is the monster. You have an illness Anakin, and he used you, probably made it worse for his own rule. You defeated him to save Luke, you have to remember that."
"After doing countless unspeakable acts in his name."
"The senate has judged you innocent my apprentice. You must forgive yourself." After a moment he added, "Have you told Depa about the blackouts?"
"Yeah. It's a symptom of Borderline."
We sat in silence for a minute and a horrible thought came to me.
"I don't remember killing Padme either," I said.
"You didn't kill her. She died in childbirth."
"Master, I choked her."
"Wait, Mustafar? You don't remember Mustafar?"
I shook my head. "Was I really bad?"
"Yes," said Obi-Wan. "I have never seen you like that. There was no reasoning with you. You said things like 'the jedi were evil' and 'you brought peace to your empire.' I should have realized there was some kind of psychological break going on. Maybe if we could have hospitalized you things would have been better, but I think that would have still ended up in a fight."
"And I would have killed Padme," I whispered.
"Killed her? Anakin, think. How long does it take someone to die when you choke them?"
"It is instantaneous," I said.
"So if you choked her to death, explain to me how she was still alive to give birth to twins?"
I did the calculation in my head. "So I did not kill her?" If that was true I was going to lose my mind with happiness and I just know it.
"Oh my friend," he said, "How long has that burdened you, thirty years? No, we do not know what killed her but it certainly was not you."
Finally, the dam broke, and I just started to cry in front of my old master and friend. He put his arm around me and wrapped me in a brotherly hug.