Dark Side of the Mind
Anakin POV
"What are you thinking about?" asked Depa. The session had started about five minutes ago, but I had not said anything outside of the usual pleasantries. I just did not want to do this today. It felt like pulling teeth for some reason. I did not want to deal with my past, not when my future finally had hope.
"Sideous," I hissed through my teeth. "I am finally happy and Sideous is going to ruin it."
"Anakin," she said in a cautionary tone, "part of your condition is that you can get paranoid thoughts when things are going good. Now, yes, there is some truth to the matter that Sidious is dangerous. But, he is not lurking under every rock. We are doing these sessions and you are working with the other Jedi Masters so that you do not get drawn back to the dark side. You must have faith, things will turn out differently."
I nodded.
"But now that we are on the subject, what is your plan to do about Sidious?"
"What do you mean?"
"The Jedi will find him. Master Yoda is already searching for him tirelessly. It may take all eternity, but the Sith will be found. Once Palpatine is caught he will be brought before the Galactic Senate to face his consequences. How do you plan to handle that?"
"I don't want anything to do with him," I said.
She paused a minute and took a deep breath. "I can sense your anger. It's okay to tell me. I am not here to admonish you," she said gently.
"I want him to suffer," I seethed.
"Why?"
"He's a Sith."
"Yes, but so were you, and so is Dooku and Darth Maul. No, Palpatine is special. What did he do to you that makes you so vengeful?"
I took a deep breath. No one knew this yet outside of Padme and Obi-Wan. "During one of my blackouts, I hurt Padme. I was doing the Emperor's bidding, which basically means killing people, on Mustafar, and she had come there to stop me or reason with me, I guess. But I got more angry and I force choked her. Then Obi-Wan and I fought and I got hurt bad. I passed out pretty much and when I woke up I was in the Darth Vader suit and Sidious…" I trialed off and felt like I was going to start crying. I hated this part worse of all.
Depa was patient. She sat there in silence as I collected myself.
I took another breath and tried to clear the lump in my throat. "He said- I kill- killed Padme." I felt a stinging in my eyes as water rolled down my cheeks. At least this time I felt like I was crying, there was no dissociation.
"He told you that you killed your wife? But she died in childbirth. Why lie about that? Or say that the Jedi killed her?" asked Depa sounding like she was talking to herself mainly,
"To fuel my anger," I answered. "If he could get me to blame myself, I would have an endless supply of self-hatred that could deepen my access to the darkside." I hated that I saw the old man's reasoning.
"This not only brought you closer to the dark side, but it also started your thoughts of suicide, rignt?"
I nodded.
"Did Sidious know about your suicide attempts?"
"Yeah. I told him everything. He told me to redirect my anger to do the will of the Dark Side. But he only wanted to keep me alive because I was such a strong enforcer. He did not care about me, I don't think he ever did."
"Did you care about him?" she asked.
"Yes, at times I thought he was my only friend. He was someone I could tell all the horrible things that I had done, and there was no judgement. He was also like a father figure, like Obi-Wan, but without painful memories. At my darkest times, when I missed Padme and my unborn children, Palpatine could offer guidance deeper into the darkside that made me stronger, and help me move on. It made me evil, but…"
"You could live with yourself."
"Yeah."
"It certainly sounds like an abusive relationship. Palpatine was kind to you to serve a purpose, and he seemed to use your symptoms of borderline and mostly depression to make you his slave."
"Do you think it was all a lie?" I whispered. Thoughts of Palpatine befriending me when I was young and giving me hope filtered through my mind. "Was he only interested in me because of my power?"
"I'm afraid that is what a true Sith is, Anakin, a person who is only interested in power."
I nodded, and put my head down, exhausted. "So, all those years. I saw a mentor and a friend, and all he saw was a Sith in the making. God, I am such an idiot. Everyone was telling me I was too impatient and I needed to slow down. Someone finally told me what I wanted to hear, alarm bells should have gone off. He was just another master, and I was just another worthless slav-"
"Hey," came Depa sharply, interrupting my train of thought. "None of that was healthy self-talk."
I looked at her strangely, "What is 'self-talk'?"
"It is what you say to yourself. It is your thoughts about yourself, and what you are doing is bad. You are not an idiot or worthless. You were 23, you were developing a personality disorder, you were expecting father, you were asked to spy on a Sith Lord, who happened to be a person you were in a toxic relationship with. You had a lot going on, it is okay you did not make the best decisions. Now it would have been better that the decisions were not life and death decisions that affected the entire galaxy but you know you play the cards you're dealt."
I nodded.
She looked at the clock. "We are out of time. I want you to be mindful of how you talk to yourself this week, and let us handle Palpatine."
"Okay. See you next week."