Not Alone

Note: I have a BS in Psychology but that is all. All of the medication and diagnoses in this story are googled. Please do not put anything in your body without talking to a doctor or an NP.

Depa POV

The Padawan, Lyra, sitting across from me had a lot of strength and resilience. She had been separated from her master during the Clone Wars and had raised herself in hiding during the Rise of the Empire. She saw me because despite being reunited with her master and others, she still suffered with PTSD and grief. Her first medicine affected her connection to the Force so she refused to take it, so I had to think fast to get her on a new medicine. She seemed to respond well to Effexor. When the session ended, she talked about her plans to go to lunch with her master, and I actually saw a trace of a smile on the girl. We were making progress, finally!

After I saw Lyra out, I followed her to the waiting room, where I saw Anakin waiting.

"Hello you ready?"

"I guess," he said, getting up and coming with me. When we got back to the meditation chamber, I motioned for Anakin to get comfortable.

"It's been awhile since I have checked on your medication. Lets start there. How often are you taking it?"

"I am still taking 40 of Prozac in the mornings."

"Ok. Great. Are you skipping days or are you taking it every day?"

"I was skipping days until that incident at my honeymoon. Now I take it everyday. And if I skip a day between Padme and Obi-Wan, there is hell to pay."

"Did you start that Topamax last week?"

"Yeah. It was a God send. Now, I am only having nightmares once, maybe twice a week, and they're not nearly as vivid."

I chuckled. "Good. So how are you feeling?"

"Nothing I can't handle."

"Anakin, I realize that you suffered probably your whole life, but you don't have to anymore. Please tell me what is really going on."

He took a deep breath. "I am going to ruin it," he whispered. "I am happy and I know I am going to ruin it."

"What makes you say that?"

"It's me. I'll come up with something."

"Sounds like you are getting paranoid," I said. "On a scale of one to ten how confident our you that you will not fall to the dark side this week?"

"This week? A seven. Next week is like less than five."

"Why?"

"Something can happen to Padme during the birth. Then what will I do?"

"Have you been with Padme to the OBGYN?"

"Yeah."

"What did the droid say?"

"Everything is normal. But everything was normal last time, and I killed her."

I took a deep breath. Anakin's track record was plenty to fuel his paranoia. I had to help him see how strong he was to resist the dark side without making him arrogant. This was going to be tricky.

"Anakin, if the dark side became attractive to you for any reason, what would you do?"

"Tell Master Windu," he said without hesitating.

"Why?"

"Because he can separate his emotions about me from the situation and will do anything to keep Padme and the Republic safe."

"So you trust his judgement?"

"Yes."

"Okay." I said. "Then do something like make a recording of yourself or write something down where you say I give permission to Master Windu to use his judgement to keep my family safe from me if I have symptoms. Then give it to him. Then relax. You have a good safety plan from a Master who not only is noble but can take you. So nothing will happen even if you get off your meds or if Palpatine gets to you."

"OK."

That was not what this was about. "Anakin, We discussed all of this. What is really bothering you?"

He was quiet for a long time. I waited. "Well," he started, "she is about six and a half months pregnant, and the goal now is just to keep her comfortable for the next two and a half months before the twins come. I am trying to keep from hyperventilating that I am going to be a father. I mean Rex and Ashoka's working on fixing the babies rooms, Mom and Sola are taking Padme shopping for clothes and toys, even Obi-Wan comes in and cooks healthy meals for the 'mother to be', and here I am scared to death about how I am going to screw this up like last time."

"Maybe you are not going to screw it up," I said.

He shrugged. I studied him for a minute. He had his hands in his lap, shoulders slumped, breathing hard, head bowed. He was defeated already. He thought he was going to self-destruct.

"Anakin, look at me." I said. "I know you are scared but you didn't do this part, the dad thing. You lost your family, Padme died, and Luke and Leia were hidden from the Emperor and in effect you. But that is not going to happen again. Listen to what you just said. Your master, best friend, former Padawan, mom, and sister in law are all here helping out you and your wife. You are getting a lot of help and support from the Jedi Counsel something that has never happened before. I mean you just said you trusted Mace Windu to protect you from the Sith. Did you ever trust Mace Windu during your life? You are reaching out and handling your symptoms. You are resisting the Dark Side. You can protect your family. Take heart, Chosen One. Sidious should fear you, not the other way around."

A small smirk spread across his mouth when I said that last thing. I might have just shot ourselves in the foot by fueling Anakin's arrogance, but better for him to be a little arrogant than to become a new parent afraid of his own shadow. Anakin needed to know that the Jedi will back him when he versus the Sith, not him alone versus the Sith.

At the end of the session Anakin walked out happy with plans to go see Ashoka for lunch. As I turned to my next client, I thought about how Anakin's children might be what keeps him in the light for good.