Drastic Measures
Depa POV
Anakin came into the meditation chamber clearly expecting to be back on the battlefield. He was glancing all around the room, not settling his eyes on one item. His right hand was on lightsaber and his left hand was stretched out sensing the air for disturbances. Walking on the balls of his feet, he was ready to spring into battle at a moments notice.
"Anakin?"
"Yes?"
"Lets sit."
"Oh. Okay."
Once he sat down, I notice that he could not sit still. But he was twirling his lightsaber, glancing around the room, and breathing fast and shallow.
"First, lets put the 'saber away," I instructed.
He hesitated, but obeyed.
"Now, we are going to mediate." I instructed placing my hands on my knees palms up. When Anakin followed, I shut my eyes. "First, we are going to focus on our breathing. In for five seconds, holding for three, releasing for seven, and pausing for three, then repeating. Can you do that?"
"Wait. Hold for how many?"
"In for five. Hold for three. Out for seven. Rest for three."
"Okay."
We did this for three minutes. Anakin tapped his foot impatiently for the first little bit, but then he relaxed. When I felt his spirit calm down, I continued.
"This is called square breathing. You are doing good. Now we are going to add images. Where is a place in the galaxy that you feel comforted? There is no wrong answer."
"Yes there is."
"Not in here."
He sighed. "Okay, Naboo. There is a palace in the lake country. When we were first married there Padme and I did not have to hide, and we could eat breakfast on the veranda, walk in the gardens, stuff like that. If I have to pick a favorite, there is a balcony where we had our first kiss and where we got married."
"Good go to that balcony where you got married and just breathe."
We did this again for about two minutes.
"See we are five minutes into the session, and your demeanor is entirely different. Do you feel it?"
"Yeah. I can definitely think more clearly."
"Good. Now we can talk. Open your eyes." He did and I saw that he was clearly more relaxed. "What's going on? Does this have to do with Palpatine?"
"Yeah." He sighed. "There is no good way to tell you this. I broke orders. I was leading the attack in my starfighter and I felt in the Force that Ahsoka was going to get hurt, so I told the troops that Obi-Wan needed me when he didn't."
"That's a serious lie. You could have jeopardized the entire mission."
"Yeah, I know," he mumbled and stared at his feet.
"There's more," I prompted.
"When I fought Palpatine, I knew I was going to lose…"
He looked up at me, expecting me to say something, but I was not going to bail him out. He needed to confess whatever he did.
After a minute of no one saying anything, he sighed. "I used the Dark Side to defeat him."
"So Sidius was defeated by a Sith not a Jedi?"
He nodded.
"Who knows?" I asked.
He swallowed hard. "No one."
"You need to tell them."
"Who?"
"Everyone. Yoda, Windu, Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, Ahsoka, Rex, Shmi, Padme. All of them."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because," he said, standing and starting to pace, "their proud of me! I actually did something right for once. I captured Sidious and got him arrested! I can't tell everybody that it happened because then I will lose credibility. I will get expelled! And everyone will turn against me, and-"
"Anakin, calm down."
He stopped yelling and pacing. Taking a few deep breaths, he slumped in the chair and put his hands in his face. "What am I going to do?" he mumbled.
"You are going to prove that you are not the little kid who wanted power and did not care who he hurt to get it. You are going to request an audience with the council, tell them what happened, and face the consequences. Then you are going to forgive yourself and learn that it is not worth going to the Dark Side to get a win."
He was angry now. "So what should I have done? Let him hurt Ahsoka and Obi-Wan and get away with it?"
I paused. "I thought you went into the Dark Side to get power. Was it about revenge?"
"No," he said, crossing his arms.
"Anakin," I said sternly.
"Maybe both," he mumbled.
"Vengeance is the way of the Sith, and it is an addictive path."
"I know," he said.
"Then why did you do it?"
"I needed to win the battle. Palpatine needed to be captured and I had to do it. This was our chance."
"So it was now or never?"
"Yes."
"Why couldn't you come back when Ahsoka and Obi-Wan were healthy and could fight with you?"
"He would escape. He could come and hurt Padme or the babies."
"So you were afraid of what would happen if you failed to capture him."
"Yes."
"So you were willing to take drastic measures because you reasoned that the ends justify the means?"
"Um, yeah."
"So how are you feeling now?"
"What do you mean?"
"Was using the Dark Side worth it?"
He paused. "Not exactly. It got the job done, and I am willing to pay the cost."
"That means it's worth it."
"Fine!" he said standing again. "It's worth it! Okay. The Dark Side gets stuff done! I'll admit it!"
"You miss it," I observed.
"Yes. I miss the power, and the rush!" he yelled. "I am breaking my back being the guy that everybody wants me to be!. I am fighting every instinct I have! Don't I get a little credit for that?"
"Anakin why didn't you trust the force to protect Obi-Wan and Ahsoka?"
"When has the freaking Force protected anyone? My mom? Padme? Me? Why would I trust it to protect anyone I care about?"
"Anakin, most of our sessions are confidential, but I have to tell the Jedi Council this, and I can't promise what they will do."
"Fine."