Day 58 / Dead Again

"And you are dead."

The words shocked Garret, but somehow not as much as he'd expected. Maybe it was because he'd already heard that before… The more startling revelation was that the Chief God was standing there in front of him.

"S-Sorry, my Lady!"

While not an especially pious man, Garret had read enough of the scriptures to know that when God addressed you, they were due far more respect than a simple king or queen. He immediately dropped to his knees, blowing before her and apologizing for his unintentional rudeness. In response to this, the girl giggled.

"Yes, yes, bow before your Goddess, she-who-commands-the-universe! Tremble at my divine radiance, for I have chosen to grace you with my presence!"

She giggled again, though Garret was too busy having his face on the floor to see what she was doing. Suddenly he felt a foot nudging at his side.

"I'm only joking, Garret. Come on!~ Get up, get up, you look really silly right now."

At her prodding, he slowly raised his head and got to his feet.

"Sorry, I just-"

"Yes, yes, you wanted to be respectful. Thank you, but that's not really necessary. Being stiff and formal is boring!"

Garret looked the girl up and down, completely perplexed. "I… I guess?"

Almost without waiting for his reply, she kept talking.

"Good! Well, we're not going to judge you just yet, so have a seat."

At the snap of her fingers, a deeply cushioned armchair materialized directly behind him, then shot forward. It took him by surprise as it collided into his calves, causing him to fall back into it. In front of him, a second chair was summoned for the Chief God, though she sat down into it with much less flailing than Garret.

"Comfortable? Good! We've got some time to kill, and I bet you've got a bunch of questions. Go ahead! Ask me anything!"

The girl made her final statement by swinging her arms wide in a welcoming gesture, then flopping backwards, sinking deep into the chair. Garret, though, was at a loss for what to say. Just what should he ask a God? There were so many things, and her far-too-energetic demeanor had left him so completely disoriented that he was having difficulty organizing his thoughts, let along forming a meaningful question. Then there was the problem of what he could ask. She said not to worry about formalities, and to ask her anything, but…

"Hello~?" The girl reached up and waved a hand in front of his face.

"Right, S-"

He shook his head and was about to apologize, but the girl gave him a condescending look, like she was about to start teasing him for saying 'sorry' too much, so he bit his tongue.

"I'm just a bit overwhelmed, I need a moment, please."

She nodded and patiently waited while Garret tried to organize his thoughts. He was dead and he was in the heavenly court. The Chief God was here to talk, but wasn't going to judge him, and they had to wait… until what? He'd better just start at the top. Try to come to terms with what was going on.

"Um, Uh… So, I'm dead."

She cheerfully nodded in response.

"Yup!"

"But you aren't going to judge me?"

"Nope!"

"… Why?"

The girl smiled and tented her fingers.

"Well you've already died once, Garret. It didn't stick then, and I don't think it's gonna stick now, either. Right, Michelle?"

She raised her head and shouted to someone behind Garret. When he turned in his chair, he saw that, above the stairs and fog wall, there were another set of hitherto unnoticed benches. These ones were full of Valkyrie. The front most one, whose exquisitely adorned and engraved golden armour set her apart from the rest, replied with a shouted "Yes, My Lady!". Seeing this, the girl sat back and shrugged.

"See? Not gonna waste my time on someone who won't be hangin' around."

That just left Garret even more confused.

"What do you mean I'm not going to be staying? I'm dead, aren't I?"

His last memories of standing on that mountainside came rushing back to him.

"Wait, why am I dead? I just got corrupted, didn't I? Shouldn't I still be down there?"

The girl cocked her head to the side and raised a finger.

"Well, technically, you are. Your body changed enough that you were no longer 'you', and that broke the ties with your soul. It's still wandering around, somewhere down there, guided by your corrupted mind."

That was a creepy thought… that a twisted version of him was still acting on its own down on the earth….

"It's not going to hurt anyone, is it?"

"It'll probably try to. But… Eh. I'm sure Lukas can deal with it."

Sweat started to form on Garret's brow as he realized where his 'body' would be going.

"Well. Can we, uh, do something about it?"

The Chief God smirked as she picked up on his anxiety.

"You're worried about Annika, aren't you?"

He nodded emphatically.

"Of course! He'll be heading right to her, and I don't… I don't think she'll be able to fight 'me'…"

"Well don't be. Michelle tipped off your hero a while back. Lukas and Brynhild will protect her."

Garret exhaled and sunk back into his chair, relived.

"Thank you."

Then he turned and repeated his thanks to the High Valkyrie, who silently nodded back to him.

"Want to watch?"

In truth, he didn't know. How would that feel, seeing 'him' fighting against all he stood for? But…

"Yeah… I need to know what happens."

With a wave of her hand, the Chief God conjured a scrying pool between the two of them. The waters flickered and sparked, then smoothed to an almost glass-like surface. Within the pool, a blurry image manifested and, after a moment, focused in on the subject of their spying – a partially naked man, running down a mountain.

Annika… Annika… he had to get to Annika. 'Garret' sprinted down the mountain, nearly tripping over the rocky terrain, such was his haste. He had to take her away from here. The poor girl only knew life within The Order, and he had to show her there was another way. In all fairness to her, he had been in the same boat only a few hours before, and probably would have hated himself for switching sides like this, but… the him from before didn't know how much he'd been missing out on. He felt strong! He felt powerful! He sprinted down the mountain, nearly tireless, his body working like a flawless, finely tuned machine. The fatigue that would have normally crept up on him was muted to the point of being nearly unnoticeable, and his breathing, only erratic because of the excitement he felt. Was this what perfection felt like?

The Order… He loved the people he had met there, but they were dead wrong in their teachings! They taught that being transformed was a bad thing, but how could something that felt so good be wrong? He flexed the muscles in his arm as he examined their definition. Whatever this demonic energy was doing to him, it was making him stronger! He felt like he could climb a mountain! Hell, after he turned Annika, he probably would. He could swim the wildest seas, wrestle beasts on even footing, and take on whatever the world would throw at him! The only thing that saddened him was the thought of the thousands of men and woman in the army before him who were foolishly struggling against this. They were trying to kill monsters. Burn away this perfection. Many of them would be shown the light, but some would die without ever having a chance to experience these wonderful feelings. Unlike how he had thought of mamono before, 'Garret' didn't hate these humans. The rank-and-file soldiers were misguided. Lead astray. No, 'Garret' only felt pity for them. The ones he hated were their priests and heroes, the people who, with their power and prestige, turned the common folk against the wonderful, liberating truth – the truth that humans belonged with monsters.

"Hey, we've got another one! You there! Get on the ground, a priest will check you over."

As he approached The Order's lines, a soldier with a crossbow alerted the guards and called out to him. He couldn't obey that command, though, he had to get to Annika. If he waited around, they'd kill him once they uncovered his transformation. Pretending to comply, he raised his hands and began to crouch down. Poor soul… 'Garret' didn't want to kill him, but The Order's propaganda had made him his enemy. Maybe he could just wound him? Even if it was necessary, stealing the man's chance for a wonderful life seemed far too cruel.

"Alright, good. Just wait there and we'll get you cleaned up in no time."

When he saw 'Garret' obeying his order, the crossbowman relaxed and lowered his weapon. That mistake allowed him to make his move. In the blink of an eye, 'Garret' threw a spear of flame forward, narrowly missing the man, but shattering his weapon. Good! Exactly what he was aiming for! The sudden assault caused the soldier to flinch in surprise, but the spear and swordsmen ahead of him wasted no time in drawing their weapons and charging towards their newly revealed foe.

"YOU WON'T STOP ME!"

'Garret' waited, gathering his power, as the men closed the distance. Once they were just about in melee range and had raised their weapons, he flung his arms skyward and conjured a pillar of the dark purple flame beneath his attackers. Not wanting to kill them, he hadn't stoked the flames as hot as he could have, but the heat still badly burned the men. The sheer force of the explosion was the effect he had been focusing on instead. It easily tossed a pair of his assailants six feet into the air and knocked the others sideways onto the ground, burned, battered, and possibly with some broken bones… but not dead. 'Garret' nodded in satisfaction, then sprinted forward and, propelled by a blast of the purple flames, shot through the gap he had created in the line. He didn't have much time. Soldiers from further up and down the mountain had noticed the explosion and were starting to run towards him. He had to get to Annika quickly and get out before half The Order was chasing them.

Having pierced the frontline, his instinctual draw to his lover guided him further up the mountain, towards the lines of reserve soldiers. Annika would be there, for sure! Fortunately, he didn't have to cover much ground. There was a cliff between him and his objective, but the pull he felt was coming from on top of it. An ordinary human would have to run the long way around to get to the top, but 'Garret' was feeling anything but ordinary. He jumped onto the cliff, grabbing onto a rock with a vice-like grip. Not for the first time, he thanked his increased strength and stamina. Then he began to climb, hand over hand, grabbing sturdy outcroppings when he found them, and blasting new handholds when he didn't. He had to be fast! He didn't know how long it would be before he started taking crossbow fire, and he needed to-

A shrill whistle interrupted his thoughts, followed by an explosive blast of pure force that threw him off of his handhold, sideways. He tried to catch himself as he fell but couldn't find anything to grab! No! He couldn't die! Not now! Annika!

Another blast of force broke his fall, and he hit the ground with a hard, but survivable impact. The collision forced the air from his lungs, and 'Garret' found himself gasping for breath, stunned. From beyond his vision, the source of the magic spoke.

"It seems like we were a little late… Brynhild, can you grab him?"

Wait, Brynhild!? The sudden mention of the Valkyrie caused 'Garret' to start and he began to scramble to his feet. Before him stood Lukas, clad in blue and gold armour, a sword in one hand, the other glowing with magical force. Brynhild was beside him, likewise armoured, though she was holding a Valkyrie's traditional spear at the ready instead. His chest still spasming as he forced himself to breath, 'Garret' tried to stand up and reach for his magic but was interrupted by another blast of force. Lukas shot a hand forward and 'Garret' found himself immediately somersaulting through the air. When he landed on his back, he spotted a winged shadow in the sky that dove towards him. The Valkyrie! She must have taken flight while he was in the air! He had to-! A flaming spear burst from 'Garret's' hand and flew towards his assailant, but bent harmlessly around her wards. He tried to conjure another blast of fire, but she was moving too fast. He aborted his attack and roll to the side to avoid getting crushed.

With a loud thud, Brynhild landed where he had just been laying, dust flying into the air from the force of the impact. Having rolled away, 'Garret' sprung to his feet, then stepped in for a punch. If he couldn't hurt her with magic, he'd beat her to death, armour or no armour! He had to kill her! She was one of those responsible for this! The Valkyrie easily deflected his punch, then shoved him back. 'Garret' stepped to the side, then forward, trying to close and land another hit on her, but his vision suddenly went white. Having twirled her spear, she swung the blunt end with terrifying speed and cracked him across the jaw. The force of impact and pain caused him to stagger sideways, but before he could rally himself, his foe followed up with another strike. She hit him under the chin with another flashing blow, and everything went dark. 'Garret' fell backwards into a crumpled heap, out cold.

"See~ I told you they'd be fine."

Garret shook his head and wiped his brow in relief, thankful that no one had been killed, but especially grateful that Annika hadn't been put in danger.

"Yeah… what will they do now? They didn't kill 'me'."

Having finished watching, the Chief God made a wave of her hand, and the pool vanished in a flash of light.

"Well, you're actually quite the lucky duck, being born a guy. Corrupted women are impossible to bring back, but demonic energy doesn't change men that much. They'll get y'all cleaned up, then I'll send you home."

Wait, if they could cleanse transformed men, why did The Order have a kill-on-sight policy?! When he leaned forward and asked, the Chief God flailed her arms in the air and rapidly backtracked.

"NoNoNoNoNo, it's not that simple! Cleansing a changed man isn't something a priest can do; it requires a phenomenal amount of energy! Coming back from something like that is nothing short of a miracle, but… Well… I do happen to have a monopoly on miracles."

She smirked a little at the last part of her statement.

"So only Heroes can do that, and even then, only rarely?"

"Yup. It ain't easy."

Ok… Things were starting to make a bit more sense now. He was going to be revived… but that seemed like such a waste, if was as difficult as she was making it out.

"I see… But why me? Why didn't they use this power on one of the sergeants we lost in the forest, or save it for if an officer gets corrupted? I'm just a sorcerer, I'm nothing special."

"You're a hero, Garret, of course you're special. Not a divine one, sure, but you saved twenty-something lives."

Those words twisted a knot in his stomach. A hero? Being praised by his God should have made him happy, but all it did was make him uncomfortable. He'd done some nice things, yes, but did he really deserve this praise? He'd failed so many times, he'd gotten Nathan killed, and he fell for a monster, which was the exact opposite thing a member of The Order was supposed to do. Suddenly self-conscious, he dropped his gaze to the floor. Calling him a 'hero' seemed like disrespecting others who deserved that title more.

"Don't call me that, please. I'm not a hero. Anyone could have done what I did, probably better."

"That doesn't matter, Garret. You could have escaped with the first group, but you went back to rescue more. I know your thoughts; I felt your fear. Despite being afraid, you went into that mountain twice. If that's not something a hero does, what is?"

He let out a half-hearted grunt in agreement, but in reality, felt anything but.

"A hero would have saved Nathan, or-"

He cut himself off. What are you doing, Garret? Trying to fish for sympathy? From a God? That's pathetic. Cut it out. Don't throw your problems on someone who, quite literally, has the weight of the world on their-

"Garret. Stop that."

He looked up to the voice that interrupted his thoughts. The Chief God was leaning forward, looking concerned. Despite her small frame, her now-serious demeanor made her seem much more mature than before.

"I'm your Goddess, Garret, I know what you're thinking. Don't be so hard on yourself."

"Sorry, I-"

She stood up and walked over to him, then put a hand on his shoulder.

"You're only human, Garret. I don't expect perfection from anyone. Not my Valkyries, not my heroes, and not you. I only ask that you try your best, that's all you can do."

Feelings of regret and shame began to well up within him, and unconsciously, he raised his hand to wipe a tear that had started to form. That was wrong. Trying didn't matter, all that mattered was…

"But that's not good enough, is it?! I let so many people down… I couldn't save Catherine. If I had noticed something was wrong, she might still live. I couldn't help Rin. If I was stronger, maybe I'd…"

The tears were coming quicker now, and Garret took a ragged breath, trying to avoid outright sobbing. It was like an emotional dam had shattered. All the times he had said he was 'fine' came rushing back, all of the times he should have done better. Half of the memories weren't painful, but they hurt him none the less. To him, they were evidence that he wasn't worth this.

"Nathan… I-I should have forced him to leave. B-but I didn't. I was scared. I didn't want to lose control, and… look what happened… I still failed. I should have killed Ilona… maybe then I'd have made it out, but I couldn't. I felt so bad for her… I still feel bad for her. I couldn't kill those children, they looked so harmless. That last house on the plains. Were there any in there? Probably… What's going to happen when they grow up? How many humans are they going to drag away?"

He looked up with watery eyes at the girl comforting him. He was being comforted by a child, God or not. He couldn't even handle keeping his composure. Pathetic.

"Why?! No! Don't! Pick someone else to save, I can't even kill monsters without feeling guilty! I'm a terrible soldier, I'm-"

With irresistible strength, the girl suddenly grabbed Garret by the arm and pulled him up, into a hug. The minute she closed her embrace around him, his mind fell silent, and the memories faded. He felt… happy. Calm. A comforting warmth enveloped him as the little girl held on, arms wrapped around his waist, and his doubts and insecurities disappeared. 'The peace of God, which transcends all understanding'… the only thing that could adequately describe this feeling was that excerpt from one of The Order's scriptures.

"You're a wonderful follower, Garret." The Chief God murmured as she held onto him. "You're trying so hard, and I love you for it… but you can't blame yourself for everything. You can't stop all the evil in the world."

"I… Sorry."

She looked up at him with a smile.

"Stop apologizing, there's nothing to be sorry for. Are you feeling better now?"

He nodded and hugged her back.

"Good."

She stayed like this for a little longer, making sure he was, in fact, fine, before eventually letting go.

"You're a strong person, Garret, but don't force yourself to do the impossible. If you can't handle something, there's no shame in letting it go. I only ask that you do your best, I don't want my followers to suffer needlessly."

Though his stomach's knot had been untwisted by the peace of her hug, her reassurance was still nice to hear. Despite it, though, he didn't think he could fully follow her advice. What a strange notion, to be disagreeing with his God.

"Yeah, but,… I have to keep trying. I don't think I could stand it if I didn't… Maybe I can help end the war a day earlier, then no one else will have to go through this. That's worth it, right?"

Contrary to what he was expecting, the Chief God frowned when she heard this.

"Well, there's that way of thinking about it too…"

For a moment, the girl almost looked sad, but she quickly perked up, back to her usual hyperactive self.

"Right! Well, if you're feeling better, I think our hero is just about done down there. We'd better work on getting you home."

She snapped her fingers and the chairs disappeared. Then she waved her hand, beaconing him to follow her.

"Come, come! We don't want to worry them by being late."

She led him towards the fog wall, but there was one, nagging question that Garret couldn't shake. He hadn't gotten a chance to ask about any grand mysteries of the universe, but if he didn't get an answer to this, he knew he'd regret it.

"Uh... My Lady?"

"Yes, Garret?"

"One more question, if I may?"

She twirled around, crossed her arms behind her back and smiled. He took this to mean 'yes'.

"Are you… Is the Chief God really a hyperactive little girl?"

A massive, mischievous grin spread itself across her face.

"Why? Don'tchya like me?"

She giggled, then continued with a look of extreme smugness on her face and an ominous sounding voice.

"Alright, here's the deal, Garret. I don't look like this, I don't sound like this, and these words aren't even what I'm saying right now. Confused?"

His look answered that question for him.

"I'm beyond your comprehension. I'm an omnipotent, omniscient being, unconstrained by the rules of your universe. Your puny little mind would snap trying to comprehend even one one-billionth of my true nature, so instead I took a form you'd be comfortable with. If I'm acting like a little girl, Garret, that's because you can understand a little girl."

The foreboding speech over, she reverted back to her previous, cheerful demeanor and shrugged.

"Or maybe I'm just pullin' your leg. Maybe you actually do worship a little girl in the sky.~ Either way, know that I love you, Garret. I love all of humanity, and I'll be there for you every step of the way."

That wasn't exactly a concrete answer, and she seemed to be having a bit too much fun causing yet more confusion, but something told him that was all he was going to get. Her answer delivered, the Chief God twirled around again and began to skip away. This time, when they went through the fog wall, they didn't descend the stairs. Instead, the girl took his hand and guided him off to the side, as she plotted a course through the blinding mists. When they emerged, Garret found himself standing on the edge of a cloud, with nothing but empty blue sky ahead of him.

"This is your stop, Garret. Thanks for droppin' by!"

"Oh uh… No problem. I didn't really have a choice, though."

She giggled at that.

"No, no you really didn't. But don't worry, I think it'll be a while before this happens again."

"Thank you for… well, everything. I really appreciated your words."

Her smug grin came back as he said that.

"I know. You're welcome, Garret."

With that said, he peered over the edge, into the endless sky and towards the distant, second cloudbank below. She said this was his stop, but… was he supposed to jump? He didn't feel fear up here, but there was still a tiny, residual bit of unease.

"Come ooon~ You're taking too long!"

"Sorry, I just-"

A foot collided with his rear and, without further ado, he was booted over the edge. The last thing he heard as he fell was the distant sound of a girl's laughter.

Now where was he? Garret blinked a few times and let his eyes focus. The overhead sun beamed straight into them, and he had to raise a hand to shield himself from its harsh radiance. Above him stood two familiar figures. When his eyes adjusted and he began to sit up, Brynhild crouched beside him, and Lukas offered him his hand.

"Welcome back, Garret. You're not dead yet."

Author's Notes: Woohoo! I'm alive. In a phenomenal stroke of luck, the upcoming explosion of unpleasant bullshit got pushed back by a week. That gave me a few free days, so I pushed my writing into overdrive and managed to get another (short) chapter out. You're welcome, Whimsy. :P

Ok, let's get started. In previous chapters, I tried to sort of build this nebulous idea that Garret was not exactly 'ok'. I've mentioned his lingering regrets from killing children, being unable to save Rin or Catherine, etc., before, but I also tried to show that he holds himself to an impossible standard. He tries to be perfect, and when he can't make everything right, feels like he's failed. That all came to a head in this chapter, when he realized he was about to have a miracle spent on him, which he felt he was unworthy to receive. You saw how that turned out. I'm not entirely convinced I did this the best way possible, the mental breakdown seems to have come on rather quickly, but I'm hoping the stuff I set up in previous chapters compensated for that a bit.

I also wanted to show how a fully corrupted incubus might feel. Lore-wise, aside from the brainwashing, the transformation is actually wonderful. It 'increases your physical attributes', reverses aging, cures diseases and injuries, etc. In some parts of the lore, it also grants powers on par with that of a hero, but I think that's bullshit. With the number of incubi running around vs the number of heroes, if they were evenly matched, the war would have ended with a monster victory, long ago. Anyways, given how good it must feel to be in a changed body, it makes sense that the corrupted person would think that The Order was wrong to be preaching it as evil. They wouldn't exactly notice the brainwashing, after all.

One last thing I wanted to do was set up a few concepts for the ending (which is still many chapters away), dealing with the nature of heaven, the war and the Chief God. I think it's important to reference things ahead of time, so big reveals and changes don't come out of nowhere. If people can predict at least the general direction the story is going to take or, failing that, can recognize the build-up after the event gets written, I think I've done my job.

Alright! For real this time, I'm not going to be able to write for a good while, so expect my next update sometime in… uh… maybe April? May? I won't set a proper deadline because my life is anything but consistent, but rest assured I will return. I've managed to stick with it for a year so far, I don't plan on stopping now.

Once again, thank you everyone for your reviews and comments, I always love seeing them.

Until next time, Sayonara!