Things were going a little better.
There were still sleepless nights, anger issues and sudden crying jags when he was alone, but no longer sleeping alone helped a little. Lotte was like an angel. She didn't insist on anything, nor did she mind when he cuddled up to her during the night.
Most times he wasn't aware of it – but more and more often he did it on purpose. He felt guilty about it, even though their intimacy didn't go further than an embrace. But sometimes – very occasionally – he longed for more.
Dana was gone for ten months now. Whenever he left the clubhouse he looked around, hoping to catch a glimpse of her, even though he knew she couldn't be anywhere close to him. Maddox had locked her up somewhere far away and things would stay that way until one of them was dead. Slowly he started to accept that there was a big chance that he would never see her again and that it might be better if he tried to deal with his loss.
And still it felt so wrong – trying to move on while she wouldn't be able to move on. Locked up by an insane man, with their child... his child.
The past weeks he had almost gotten a heart-attack, every time the phone at the bar had rung. He however hadn't heard from her and even though he knew it would be better for his mental health if things stayed that way, he still wished that Maddox allowed her to call him once more. He would give his arm for hearing her voice one more time.
He took a pile of pictures from his nightstand and watched them for the umpteenth time. His thumb brushed her smiling lips, his eyes fixing on hers; they were shining. A lump appeared in his throat.
Ten months. They were apart for ten months.
They were almost longer separated than they had been together.
The door of his dorm room opened and Lotte slipped inside. In the clubhouse they never hang out together; Juice didn't want anyone to think that he was cheating on Dana, even though most of his brothers had pushed him to find distraction with one of the girls more than once.
Lotte showed him a friendly smile as she sat down next to him. On a whim he wanted to put away the pictures, but she pushed her fingers against his hand.
"Can I take a look at them?"
Juice hesitated. She was encouraging him to talk about Dana for a while now, but he found it incredibly hard. Up to now she had however proven to be good support and after a deep sigh he handed her the pictures.
Lotte put a pillow behind her back and shoved closer to the wall. Her arm was touching his, but she didn't pull it away. Nor did he.
"Wow, she is so pretty. You both look so happy," she said softly. "The chemistry is dripping from the pictures."
His lips bent into a sad smile.
She chuckled as she looked at the Halloween pictures. He felt a pang in his stomach and he quickly wiped his eyes. "We had picked each other's costumes. Before I knew her, the guys once dropped me in a diaper in front of the police station after I had passed out after taking some pills. She wanted to see me like that too." Again he gave her a watery smile. "I proposed to her, that day. Only wearing a diaper. In a Ferris wheel." He sucked in his bottom lip as the lump in his throat increased. "I was so nervous and it came so totally out of the blue that she was kinda shocked."
"But she said yes." Lotte winked.
"Yeah. Thank God; she said yes. We hid until after closing time and then we sneaked into the haunted castle to celebrate our engagement. The sex with her was always great, but that time we were in a churting mood, tears of laughter streaming down our cheeks while we were trying some crazy things." He wiped a tear off his cheek. Man, he loved this woman so much. He would never find someone like her again.
"We should be glad that we have both experienced true love." Lotte squeezed his hand. "Not everyone finds that. It might have been volatile, but you'll never find more passion in your life."
Juice let out a shaky sigh, bending his head. "Am I an idiot for still hoping that she'll come back to me?"
"Of course not, Juice. It would make no sense if you didn't." She was quiet for a while. "I saw Jasper's body, I know he's dead. Still I often hope that it's all a misunderstanding, that I have just lost my mind and that his death isn't real. It's stupid, and deep down I know the truth. But sometimes pretending that he is still alive somewhere, is the only way to keep my heart going. And Dana isn't even dead, Juice. Of course she can come back to you. Maybe she'll manage to escape again, maybe Maddox will come to his sense, letting her go. But maybe none of these things will happen. Hope can destroy a person. You shouldn't wait for her, you should move on with your life and when she does come back, you'll live your life together again."
And if not, I'll have to do it alone, he thought, sighing. He stared at the pictures again.
"Tell me about her," Lotte encouraged him. "What was she like? What are the reasons that you love her so much?"
Juice didn't answer immediately, he had barely talked about Dana since she was gone. But while talking about her, just a minute ago, he had felt a little bit of warmth.
"She was so strong," he said quietly. "So incredibly strong. As long as I know her, that psycho was after her. Although she had her weak moments, she pulled through. Her bad memories didn't stop her from doing anything; every day she found something that made her smile. And her laughter..." His lips were quivering, his eyes started to itch. "I miss her laughter so much, her voice... her positivity... Despite the continuous danger we were so happy. Our fights never lasted longer than a day. We could forgive each other, we... we loved each other." He swallowed with difficulty. "We love each other." With his thumb he stroked the arrow that was tattooed on his hand. "I don't understand how someone can be so selfish to lock her up, claiming that he loves her. I really don't get it. He hurts her so much, both of us, and our baby... My kid is there with that asshole and – and..." He breathed in heavily, trying to get his thoughts straight again. "My father was never there for me. I wanted – I wanted to give my kid what I missed all those years, but I can't. I can't find him or her. What terrible father am I? I can hack my way into basically everything, but I can't even find my own girl, my kid." Suddenly he couldn't breath anymore. The room was spinning around him and he clawed in the blankets on his bed.
Vaguely he noticed how Lotte let go of his hand and sat down on his lap, her face towards him. Her thumbs caressing his cheeks as her eyes tried to hold his glance, just like Dana had done so many times.
"Easy, Juice," she said in a calm tone. "Someone who is so worried about his child, about his girl, can't be a bad father. You are just as much a victim as they are. Sometimes – sometimes we just have to face powers we can't deal with, but that doesn't mean that you're weak." Her hand rested on his cheek and he closed his eyes as he tried to control his breathing again.
Sometimes he wondered if this girl was even real; if she wasn't just a figment of his imagination. The way she talked, the way she looked at him was sometimes reminding him so much of Dana that it made him shiver.
He looked up again, in her green blueish eyes. His hand caressed her cheek and the warm skin underneath his fingers made him breath in sharply. Very slowly their faces came closer. Their lips were touching and even though he felt a stab in his stomach, he didn't pull back his face. Contrary; his fingers raked through her long, blonde hair.
She however did pull back her face, giving him a sad smile. Her eyes were worried. "I'm not Dana, Juice. Kissing me won't make you feel better."
He bent his head. Of course she was right. "Sorry. I – I don't know what happened."
"I do. You miss her, you're looking for comfort. I want to offer you that comfort, but not... not like that."
"Sorry," he whispered again.
"It's okay." Her hand was still cupping his cheek and she lifted his face a little. "You're confused, you're hurt... and I'm reminding you of her, right?"
He sighed. "It's just... talking about her..." He shook his head as his eyes started to itch again.
"It's okay, Juice, don't worry. This is part of finding closure." She kissed his forehead and slid off his lap. "You're dealing with your pain, with your loss, and if I look back to the past month, you're really making progress. This was the first time that you could talk about her." Again there was that sweet, sad smile. "You'll become the man you once were again, Juice, trust me."