2.25.7
Ahsoka POV
My days are blurring together, but it has been three weeks since the twins birthday party according to the calendar. Depa suggested that I keep a diary of my experience, and she suggested it in front of Skyguy who said something to Rex so I was stuck writing something about this every day. This is my first entry.
Not much happened today. Depa has placed me on administrative duty so everybody plays, "Who wants to babysit Ahsoka, today?" Today, Anakin got me.
At 0700 he came to my apartment to get me, and I was not even ready. He said that I had to go with him to the Temple to work, and we could not just hang out at my place. I got dressed in sweats and a tank top, and then he made me change into Jedi robes. I put on boots, leggings, and a grey tank, then threw on the outer tunic, and my brown cloak. Anakin knew I was half-assing it, but accepted it.
He took me to Dex's Dinner for a big breakfast. Anakin ordered Vakiir eggs, hotcakes, grits, and a cup of Java juice to try to entice me to eat. It worked a little bit, I ate about half of it. That was the most I had eaten in months.
Then we went to the motor pool where we worked on our starfighters. I don't really know what he could possibly still do with his star fighter. It's the fastest in the fleet, it's got amazing torque, it even shoots green lasers instead of blue, but he said something about recalibrating the missiles. I sat on the crate and listened to him talk about which screwdrivers was going to do the trick. I knew he was trying to get me distracted from my own misery, so I pretended to listen.
Then at about 1500, he said that he had to go train with Windu against the Dark Side. Now, Windu was hard to fight. With his skills with Vapaad, he was plenty good at how he used the force to direct his movements. He relied solely on the Force for everything, and that type of faith was hard to overpower. So, he bested me and Anakin quickly.
At the end of the fight, he said that my head was not in it. I just kind of stared at him. I mean is he serious? Of course my head is not in it. My head is not in anything anymore. Why should it be? Why do I need to feel anything again? I did not say anything to him, I just stormed off. Later, Skyguy asked if I was okay, and I said I needed to go home. He offered to drive me. He and Rex are worried about my concentration skills.
When I lost the baby, everyone started watching me. I mean everyone, Anakin, the Council, Rex, Padme, Obi-Wan, Satine. They wanted to see if I would go crazy or something with the idea of the baby being gone. I guess I did. I wanted to scream, cry, throw things, yell. Hell, I even contemplated going to Dokoo and look into if you can really bring back someone with the Dark Side. I would do anything to have my baby. But, I knew that was what they were looking for, so I did nothing. I did not eat, sleep, shower, or anything. I was so scared that if I did something, then I would lose my mind. Next thing I knew, I was being dragged into Depa's office by Anakin, who was terrified that I was getting anorexic. He still drags me there once a week while I just stare at Depa for fifty minutes.
Depa can help people. She can help my friends who were traumatized by Order 66, she can help Obi-Wan get over Anakin's betrayal and his depression, she can help Anakin get Sidious out of his system, but she can't help me. My pride killed my baby. I thought Sidious was after Anakin, and only I could save him. I was so afraid that I would lose my friend, that only I could save him, that I lost my baby. They all told me not to go. I was the one who told the Council that I needed to be on the mission. It was all because I could not let Anakin go. If I am that selfish, I don't deserve to be a mother. But she still did not deserve to die.
Rex said that we could try for another one, but it would not be the same. She is lost forever. Rex and I have not been normal since she died. I just can't be the way he wants, the way he needs me to be. He has asked me to talk about it with Depa. It feels weird telling a Jedi that you do not feel comfortable having sex with your husband. I told Padme instead. She said she and Anakin were the same way in the beginning for different reasons. She said to start small, go to dinner, go to the opera, stay up and talk, even cry together. She said soon I would start to want him again. I proposed the idea to Rex, and implied that it was Depa's idea without saying it. He loved it, and planned a date night of just staying home and watching soap operas and laughing at the over-acting. It was fun just hanging out and being a couple. But I tried to ignore the horrible ache in my chest that I was drinking wine because I there was no one growing inside me.