Like every time he wasn't at the clubhouse and neither at his apartment, panic squeezed her throat. Two times she had called an ambulance for him after an OD, and they had been just in time to pump his stomach. What if he realized that she was the only reason that he was still alive? Had he gone to the hills, convinced no one would find him there? A few weeks had passed since his last attempt, but now they had slept together yesterday, she was terrified that the guilt would plague him again.

She hadn't even wanted to have sex with him. Not in that house, not with the knowledge that Maddox would make Dana watch. Maddox however didn't care about what she wanted. If she didn't do as he said, her little sister would suffer. In the beginning she had tried to ignore his instructions, but she had changed her mind after a video in which her sister was raped by two men at the same time. She had lost her battle. She wasn't as strong as Dana. That girl had made the ultimate sacrifice in an attempt to escape from her tormentor and even that hadn't been enough. Lotte knew that Maddox was holding the same power over her. Being obedient was all she could do.

And so she had kissed Juice, two weeks ago.

And yesterday she had whispered sweet words in his ear, encouraging him to undress her. He had been more careful than during their first time, but he had still been focused on his own pleasure, not noticing how uncomfortable she felt. She didn't blame him; she had been the one who had wanted to take their relationship to the next level. If it was worth the term 'relationship' at all... Juice wasn't ready for a new relationship, and if Dana would ever return he would dump Lotte without thinking. They both knew that, and they had both peace with the fact that she was just a replacement. But a replacement he needed; someone who looked after him, who loved him. Who worried about him – like she was doing now. Not only because her sister's throat would be slid when Juice died without it being recorded on camera; also because she loved him. Because she didn't want to lose him, even though it was inevitable that that day would come. The strong feelings he called up inside her, worried her. She knew she wouldn't be able to kill him when Maddox would give her that order. Not even when she had to choose between her sister and him. Of course she should choose her sister, but making that call was very different from murdering someone herself. Even when that person had tried to take his own life more than once.

Lotte left the car in the parking lot. It had been her first instinct to go look for him in this remote place. She walked under the stone arch and followed the path along the rows of graves.

Graveyards had always given her a creepy feeling, but since her sister was abducted she saw her name carved in every headstone.

Gravel grind underneath her feet as she turned left. Relief washed over her the moment she saw him; leaning against the tombstone of the little white grave. Her eyes were stinging; the sight of a lost father at the grave of his deceased child smashed her heart to pieces.

In loving memory, our dear daughter TABITHA ORTIZ, she read on the marble.

Swallowing with difficulty, she sat down next to Juice. With red eyes he stared forward. Around him laid the remnants of a bouquet of lilies which he must have torn apart in a moment of rage. He didn't respond on her presence, only when she took his hand, he pulled it away without looking at her. The smell of alcohol and pot was surrounding him. She didn't know how much he had drank this time, but she had learned to leave every initiative to him at moments like these.

"Sometimes I hate her," he said after a long while, staring at the sky. "Sometimes I hate her so much I believe she deserves all this misery."

His voice sounded hoarse, as if he had been screaming for hours.

"She should have protected our girl. At any cost. But that makes me a hypocrite, huh? I couldn't protect them either. Not even one of them. But she should have left me to die in that church. Then our baby would have been safe."

"Then he would have tracked her down anyway," Lotte said softly.

"YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!" he yelled.

Lotte cringed as his saliva spat against her cheek. She bowed her head but didn't leave. "She didn't know she was pregnant, Juice. At that moment she loved you more than anything in the world."

"And still I hate her," he answered, clenching his fists. "And I hate myself for hating her. Because I wish she would die, so all of this was finally over. And I hate you too because you're a fucking whore who should stop tryin' to save me."

Lotte knew it was the alcohol speaking to her, just like it was the alcohol who sometimes encouraged him to get violent, to beat her.

She never resisted. For she knew she deserved it – every beat up, every curse. She was the one keeping his wounds fresh, the one who was deepening those of his lover.

As more curses rolled over his lips she just listened in silence, until he was exhausted; leaning against her and crying again.

In silence she wrapped her arms around him while he mumbled apologies.

"It's okay baby." She pressed a kiss to his forehead. You have every right to treat me like shit.