Anakin POV
"Start at the beginning Skywalker," commanded Windu.
They were all gathered around me, and I was painfully aware that I was the center of attention, which I usually loved, but right now it was daunting. "Ten years after Qui-Gon died, Count Dooku attacked Padme Amidala and the Jedi Council assigned Obi-Wan and I to her as Jedi protectors. Then, an assassin attacked her again, and we split up, I took Padme to Naboo and Obi-Wan tracked the assassin. Anyway, we stayed there for months just relaxing, talking, and I fell in love with her. Then I started having premonitions-"
"Visions?" asked Windu.
"Yeah," I said. "When I slept, I saw images of my mother. She was hurting, possibly dying and I could stop it. Scared for my mom's life, I tried to talk to Padme about how to protect her and my mom, and we decided the best action to do would be to just take Padme to Tatooine with me. So, we went to my home, and Watto, my former master told us he sold us to a moisture farmer. Traveling to the moisture farmers, they said Tusken Raiders or Sand People had captured her about a month ago. So, I left Padme with my mother's family, the man who bought her had freed her and married her, and went to help her.
"I drove all night, and finally found them with some help of some Jawas. I reached my mom…" How could I even describe this? "They had beaten her, whipped her, and raped her. They had her hanging on a wooden cross. They had beaten her and not fed her in so long, she couldn't form sentences. Quietly, she died in my arms. Then all of a sudden, I became very angry. Then a switch went off and I went on auto pilot. Honestly, I don't even remember killing them. It just happened. Anyway, if we are in a battle, a horrible heated battle. Suddenly, I am back there killing Tuskins and I can't pull myself out of it."
"Why didn't you tell the council what happened during your mission report?" asked Mace Windu.
"Ha! Hey, Master not only did I disobey my mandate, but I became angry at my mom's passing and went on a rampage, killing everything in sight, but that's fine, right?" I said sarcastically. "You would have kicked me out of the order!"
"You think you are the first Jedi who struggled with the Dark Side? You think you are the first Jedi who has lost it?" asked Windu. "You could have met Depa then. Saved us plenty of heartache."
"I was twenty! By that time, I had fallen in love with Padme, we were getting married. Besides, I was a hurt, angry kid. Not trusting the Council to be on my side, I asked Padme to keep the secret."
"Why didn't you tell me, Anakin?" asked Obi-Wan.
"Your so by the book, you would have helped them kick me out," I stated glumly.
"That's not true!"
I looked at him, staring him down.
"Maybe it is. But you did not need to carry that guilt and pain alone."
"That is the problem. There is no guilt. Honestly, I don't care, and I never have. They are horrible monsters that brutally murdered my mother and deserve to die. I am glad that I killed them. I regret several of acts I did as Vader. Hurting Padme, attacking the temple, killing the Separatist. Well, that one was fun. Hunting Luke and Leia. Torturing Solo. Well, that one was also fun. But really, I regret everything that I did as Vader. I hate that children fear me, and think I want to hurt them. I don't want that to be Ashla and Jinn's legacy. But I do not, can not regret killing the Tusken Raiders. I don't care."
"Yes you do," said Ahsoka.
"No, I don't."
"Skyguy what was our first official mission as Master and Padawan?"
"Taking the Huttlet back to Jabba?"
"Yes, and you were in turmoil the whole time because it was your first mission on Tatooine since your mom's passing. You would stare off into the distance and remember the Sand People. I looked in your eyes, there was anger, there was hatred, but there was also regret. You wished you could not be that person."
"Looking back on it, I hate that it lead me closer to Vader, yes. But I do not regret killing them. What they did to my mother, raping her, beating her, torturing her. They deserved to die."
"Your playing God, Skywalker," said Windu.
"Go to hell, all of you!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, and stormed off.
I went to my quarters on the ship and laid down on my bed. I just wanted this whole mission to be over with. I was better at home, with my family. Maybe I needed to leave the Jedi Order and go work a job where I can be home at 1800 every night helping Padme with the kids.
The door opened and Obi-Wan walked in. "Anakin," he said quietly, "Listen-"
"But, you don't understand. All of you never lost a family member. Therefore, it's different."
"Qui-Gon died in my arms, you turned to the dark side, Padme died, the whole order collapsed. How is that not losing a family member?"
"I mean blood relative."
"No. I have not lost a blood relative. I don't have blood relatives. But I do have a family. Qui-Gon, Ahsoka, Padme, You, Satine, and I lost all of you. I know what it is like to lose someone Anakin."
"Why did I become so mad I killed them all?"
"I don't know. But you are dissociating in the middle of battle and that is dangerous, so we need a new strategy to keep everyone involved safe."
"Back to the hanger we go."