Dana tried to judge who was sitting next to her; Maddox or Ruben.

Maddox would tell her this hoping that she would start to hate Juice.

Ruben would tell her this because it was bothering him, because he felt sorry about it.

His eyes seemed to show a mix of feelings, as if both personalities were still fighting to get priority.

She bent her head and looked at the little boy in her arms. Her thumb stroked his chubby cheek. "I don't want you to say things like that around our son, Ruben."

Of course the little boy couldn't understand, but she couldn't get rid off the feeling that violent words would reflect badly on her child. She got up and carried Casper out of the room. She focused on her son, defending herself against the horrible thing Maddox had just told her, as if her thoughts could influence the little one as well.

"Charlie?"

Quick footsteps came down the stairs. "I'm here," the girl said timidly.

Her eyes were aimed at Casper. She never looked Dana in the eye – and she definitely avoided Maddox's glance. Dana had tried to talk to her, knowing she had gone through horrible things, but she wasn't ready yet. Being around Casper however always did her good, it was the only time she was smiling now and then.

Carefully, Dana handed her the baby, then she returned to the living room. As soon as she closed the door behind her, a wall was created between her and her child and Ruben's words were echoing in her head again.

Juice had murdered Lotte. Had strangled her.

It was horrible – and still she didn't feel the horror. It was just too unbelievable, too impossible to understand. She thought about the sweet guy who had tried to calm her down, that night that she had been wandering through the clubhouse in the middle of the night, terrified. He had always been so careful, had always been so afraid to hurt her. That he had choked a woman now, just couldn't get through her head.

She sat down on the couch. "Was he drunk?"

Ruben's hand slid to her thigh. She didn't like his touch, grabbed his wrist and laid his hand on the couch. "I don't want anyone to touch me right now."

"Okay," he said quietly, convincing her that he had pushed Maddox to a far corner of his mind. It eased the tightening feeling in her chest a bit. Ruben cleared his throat. "He wasn't drunk. He had been working on his laptop for hours, found something and knocked over the table. She was attracted by the noise, he pushed her against the wall and started to beat her... in the end they talked for a while; then she made him angry again and he lost control."

His voice sounded distant, as if he had just heard the story from someone else. Pensively, Dana looked at him. She tried to picture it, tried to imagine that conversation. She couldn't.

She could ask for the tapes, but she knew those images would never leave her mind. Seeing Juice strangle someone, wasn't the way she wanted to remember him.

"And then?" she asked.

"He tried to resuscitate her. Bring her back to life. When he failed, he was holding her body for hours."

Ruben had bent his head and stared at the ground.

Dana rubbed her eyes. God, how was she supposed to deal with this? The past months she had somehow made peace with her situation. It had been bearable. Mainly because Maddox had shown her his soft side, but the knowledge that Juice was feeling better had been just as important.

And now he was back to square one. No – he was probably feeling much worse. Lotte had given him an edge, and her betrayal must have broken him. The little piece of trust that was left after what Cherry had done, was crumbled now.

He wasn't good on his own, he needed someone who cared for him, who loved him.

But as long as he was afraid that Maddox would send another girl, he would confide in no one. As long as Dana was his prisoner, Juice wouldn't open up to anyone. His alcohol addiction would return, he would blame himself again for not being able to find her, he would build these walls around himself again...

A tear slipped down her cheek. She wanted to protect him so badly; there was nothing she wanted more than making him feel better. She however couldn't. He had to move on without her – and as long as she was locked up, he couldn't. His grief and powerlessness chained him to his misery; he couldn't free himself, couldn't find closure.

"I am so sorry," Ruben said softly.

Dana forced herself to believe him. She had to believe that he was changing, that Maddox was slowly disappearing. Maybe he would set her free one day – or becoming so weak hearted that she could end his life.

She looked up to him. The struggle was still visible in his eyes. Yes – part of him felt sorry. Another part of him however was mainly frustrated that he could no longer control Juice.

Dana thought about Lotte. She had been in the same situation as Cherry; she had also tried to save someone she loved. Could she blame her? Maybe not – but Lotte and Juice had been together for months and she had believed that Juice had already known the truth; that he understood her, that he had forgiven her.

But Lotte had never told him the truth, and Dana knew she had dug her own grave because of it.

And no matter how sorry she felt for Lotte – her heart ached for Juice. The knowledge that Maddox had turned him into someone who was able to murder his own girlfriend, chilled her to the bone. He had broken that man, had completely destroyed him.

Again, a tear slipped down her cheek. Sniveling, she breathed in.

He had to let her go, and this time for real. There was only one solution. Maybe it turned out to be the last straw; maybe he would really end his life but then his suffering would at least be over. By now two years had passed and things only went worse for him. She had to offer him a chance to heal – and this was his only chance to heal.

"You have to kill me, Ruben."

"W-what?" His voice cracked.

She took a deep breath, knowing she was throwing away the chance that they would ever find her. "He has to think that I'm dead. And he needs to get the chance to say his goodbyes." She took his hand and looked up to him. "I want them to think that I died. He will never be able to trust another woman as long as you have power over me. My death is the only way he will find closure."

"You want them to think you're dead?" he repeated, his tone skeptical.

"I do. Dana Lowman should no longer exist. I'm not leaving you, Ruben. You won't let me go and I wouldn't dare to take your son from you. I don't want them to keep looking for me for the rest of their lives; to hope and get disappointed all the time, to suffer without an end. I want them to mourn for me, so they can say their goodbyes and get the chance to heal. I'm sure that Clay and Jax are doing better than Juice, because they have moved on after a period of mourning. But Juice hasn't. Time is standing still for him. He keeps suffering because he thinks that I'm suffering; he will never know peace." She squeezed his hand. "Please, do this for me baby. Give them a farewell, I know that you have the power and money to fake my death."

He lifted her hand, pressing a kiss to the back of it. "If you really want this, I will arrange your fake death. But it will take some time."

"It shouldn't happen too fast anyway; I don't want him to think that you killed me because of what he did to Lotte."

He nodded slowly. "I will let him know that I could no longer bear the thought that you loved him more than me." His eyes searched for hers.

Her heart was racing in her chest. What was he expecting now? That she denied his words? Was he testing her? She decided not to respond at all, and instead said: "Thank you. For doing this for me." She laid a hand against his cheek. "You're a good man, Ruben."

She closed her eyes, her lips brushing his.

Her thoughts however were with Juice. Sorry baby. One cruel blow for you; then it will be over. Be strong, my love. You will get through this, like you've gotten through everything. You have a guardian angel who's watching over you. Our little angel.