Five weeks after Dana's funeral
Water from his swimming short dripped on his toes as he watched her. She was lying on her back, using a rolled up beach towel as a pillow. His beach towel, he realized. Her large sunglasses were shielding her eyes. Slowly, her chest was rising and falling. Was she asleep? For a while he just admired the girl he desired so much – and who was completely his. Her skin had tanned a little the past months, making her look even more beautiful. The top was decorated with black and white zig-zag lines, her bikini briefs black with black and white strings connecting the front and the back. Strings that he desperately wanted to pull loose.
Instead of giving in to his longing, he laid down on his stomach. The sand felt hot against his skin, although it didn't take long before the burning sensation disappeared. Leaning on his elbows, he hovered his head above hers, pressing a kiss to her lips – upside down.
"You're in my light," she muttered.
"You are my light."
Chuckling, she opened her eyes. "Slimeball."
In agreement, he licked her nose, making her slap his cheek while laughing. "Don't lick my nose."
"No?" He sat down on his knees behind her, his fingers gliding up from her shoulders, across her neck to her cheeks. "Then what do you want me to lick?"
"Just get an ice cream."
Once more he bent over, kissing her. Despite her suggestion for an ice cream, she raised her hands and slipped them across his neck, as if she was afraid that he would get up. As soon as her lips parted, his tongue slipped between them. He had never kissed her from this angle, and fanatically he explored her mouth. After a while his head started to feel heavy because of all the blood being drained to it, and it didn't take long before dizziness made its entrance. Reluctantly, he pulled back his head, blinking a few times until the black spots disappeared.
"You still want an ice cream?"
"I always want an ice cream."
Chuckling, he had to agree. He got on his feet and held out his hand. "You walk with me?"
She sat up straight and looked around. "That beach cafe is a long way from here, I guess not much will be left of it if you get me one."
"I can be very quick."
She started to laugh and grabbed his hand so he could pull her on her feet. "You can be very clumsy too. Like running across the beach and tripping."
"Then you'd have a sand dip. I bet you like it."
"Idiot." Her arms glided around him, her hands wandering across his still soaked swimming suit, kneading his ass.
Juice forgot about the ice creams the moment she pulled him close. Through the fabric of her top he could feel how hard her nipples were, and he was sure she could also feel how hard he was. Raking a hand through her golden hair, he lifted her sunglasses and put them on her head so he could look into her eyes.
"I love you, baby. I hope this will never end."
Dana smiled – it was a bit of a sad smile, and his stomach cramped.
"If that ever happens, it wasn't my choice." Her fingertips danced across his cheek as she looked into his eyes. "I love you too. I can't imagine I will ever stop loving you."
Her lips came closer, and they lost themselves in an intimate kiss, the ice creams forgotten.
More than a year Juice had blocked memories like these, as if he was afraid they would slip away forever if he allowed them. He had been afraid that they would hurt – and they did. It however was a sweet pain, different than the raw loss he was feeling otherwise. By reliving the good memories, it felt like he was cementing a part of her inside his heart. And there were more and more memories that were brought back – little things he hadn't thought about in months.
Her grave was the only place where he allowed himself to dig into his memories. It felt like they were still a little bit together here. Somewhere, beyond the here and now, beyond the tangible.
Kozik believed he spent too much time here. That he was getting entangled in the past, that he was losing sight of reality. Juice didn't mind. This was better than getting drunk, right? Better than beating pushy croweaters, better than killing himself.
He wasn't hurting anybody with this. Mikey was at school and his brothers would call him when they needed them. They knew he would come.
Breathing just seemed easier when he was leaning against her headstone and when he wandered around in his memories he didn't feel so cold. For now it helped him to move on – and that was what really mattered right? He believed he was doing well. Better than he had thought; he had expected to find himself somewhere in a gutter by now, but being here gave him peace. He thought to feel her closeness, just like that of their little girl.
The crunching of gravel distracted him. He however didn't look up, he wanted to pretend that he was alone, he had nothing to do with anyone else. The footsteps however stopped in front of Dana's grave and Juice's glance slowly moved upwards.
The moment he saw who was standing in front of him, his eyes went wide.
A storm of emotions arose inside him, so fierce that he couldn't get a word out.