Juice's finger floated above the screen. Already a week had passed since she had written her number on his arm. Within and hour he had scrubbed the ink off his skin, but not without saving her number. For some reason he had been afraid that one of his brothers would think it was funny to give her a call.
It had never been his intention to contact her. Why he had still kept the number, he didn't know. He didn't want a girlfriend, she would be nothing but a burden. A weakness. Still, his thoughts kept wandering to her. It wasn't just because she was beautiful – there were more than enough hot chicks around the clubhouse.
But maybe that was the difference. She wasn't super hot. He didn't feel the urge to rip her clothes off. Her own words that she could call him whenever he wanted something else than meaningless sex, kept racing through his head.
A part of him wanted that.
But then what? What else could she give him? He was fine, he wasn't as broken as the time Lotte was forcing himself on him. He just didn't want all that crap – and right when those thoughts stormed through his head, he wondered why the hell he was looking so far into the future. She had asked him to grab a drink, not to marry her. They had been sitting at a grave together for hours and none of them had had problems with that, so why the hell was he making such a big deal out of a drink?
He couldn't deny that he had enjoyed her company, that she had called up some sort of feelings inside him. She had made his heart beat faster – since Dana no woman had managed to do that. Not even Lotte.
But all that had happened on the graveyard, the only place where the old Juice still existed. That had also been the reason why he hadn't wanted to face her after that cancelled date; the moment she'd asked him out, he had been blindsided, being a prisoner of his grief and he had liked the prospect of her consoling presence.
Outside the cemetery, he didn't like it. Outside those gates he was a different person and there was no doubt in his mind that she wouldn't be too fond of that other person. But no matter how blunt he had reacted on her a week ago; it hadn't scared her away.
Somehow he appreciated that. Somehow it was the reason that he was still staring at that blinking cursor.
Oh fuck it. He grumbled because of his doubting. If he wanted to see her, he should stop being such a wuss and just tell her. And so he typed: Hey. I know it's a week ago, but is that offer for a drink still standing? - Juice.
She didn't answer immediately. He headed for Mikey's room and watched the kid from the doorway. He was sitting on the floor in front of the tv, the controller of the playstation in his hands. Juice had bought it for him a while ago so he didn't have to entertain him all the time.
"Dinner almost ready?" Mikey asked without taking his eyes off the screen.
"I'll fix something."
He wondered if he had been so glued to the TV as well if they'd had the money when he was young. There was no doubt he and his sister would have demanded less attention of their mother, resulting in less beat-ups.
His phone was buzzing. Okay. Where?
Juice hesitated. You got time today? It was last-minute, but there was a chance something came up otherwise. He didn't want to let her down again.
Yeah. Same time and place?
He agreed and tucked away his phone.
Juice took Mikey to Amy. The boy was more often there than at home, but as long as the woman wasn't complaining, he was fine with it. The only one nagging about it was Kozik; he believed it wasn't good for the kid. Juice didn't care much – it was not his fault that his sister was in jail and that her ex wasn't permitted to see his kid. He did his best to take care of the boy, but he refused to turn his whole life upside down because of it. If Kozik really wanted to have a say in it, he and Amy should stop doing their little waltz. Right now, she wasn't his Old Lady and he had nothing to say about her.
The moment he entered Harvey's, he saw her right away. Her eyes were lighting up when she noticed him. It caused a strange feeling in his stomach – it didn't happen a lot that someone was looking forward to his company. Even the Croweaters preferred one of his brothers if he left them a choice – he hadn't got a good reputation with two dead old ladies.
Once he stood at the table, he didn't know how to greet her. He used to send Croweaters to his room with one word, Lotte and he had never dated and with Dana... His thoughts shot to their first date, at the drive-in movies where they had been lying in the grass, spending more time kissing than watching the movie. The memories faded when Fye stood in front of him. A sweet, fresh scent surrounded him. Fuck, she smelled so good. As her lips touched his cheek to greet him, he felt the urge to press his on her mouth immediately, but he kept himself in order and sat down after murmuring a greeting.
Great – and what now? It just felt like he didn't know how to spend time with a normal woman anymore. What did she want? Interrogate him about his dead fiance and daughter? He had promised himself to never tell the tragedy to someone new. On the advice of his therapist he had started to visit Dana's grave with regularity, and that was the only place where he wanted to surrender himself to his memories. He had buried them there, with Dana and Tabitha.
"What do you want to drink?" she asked.
"I'll take a beer."
She nodded and walked to the bar. As she moved away from him, he checked out her ass. She was wearing a black dress reaching to her knees. The fabric looked much fancier than what the croweaters were wearing and she looked damn good in it.
When she returned and put the bottle in front of him, he still didn't know what to say to her. She seemed to look for words as well. After a few sips, he heaved a deep sigh. This had been a stupid plan.
"Look. You seem like a nice girl, Fye. I'm gonna be honest with you – I'm not a nice man. Maybe you think that I'm sweet and sensitive because you've only seen me grieving at a grave, but that's the only place where I'm like that."
A small smirk crossed her lips. "Not showing up at a date and avoiding her the next couple of weeks, isn't exactly what I call sweet and sensitive. So I already figured that out."
Her words filled him with shame. Quickly he took a drink. Not going back to Dana's grave at the day he was used to, had been a drastic decision. He however hadn't been in the mood for a confrontation, especially not at Dana's grave.
He had no idea what to answer and felt the urge to get up and leave the place. This was just stupid. He wasn't ready to sit at a table with another girl, let alone more, and he might never be ready.
As if Fye picked up on his doubts, she started to talk herself. "How long ago did you patch in? With the Sons?"
Juice needed a bit of time to get his thoughts straight. Now he thought about it, he couldn't even remember when he'd had a normal conversation with a woman. Or any person in general. His thoughts kept spinning around and he hated himself for it. It felt like he had became afraid of people, as if he didn't know how to deal with them anymore.
"A little more than ten years," he answered.
"You've grown up in Charming?"
He shook his head. "No, in Queens." He wasn't in the mood to elaborate on that and asked: "You?"
"We moved from Charming to Providence when I was five. So I grew up relatively close to you." She winked and moved her glass to her mouth, a few curls slipped off her shoulder at the movement. "My dad got a job offer. He moved back to Charming after his divorce, three years ago, and since he was sick I went with him."
Juice caught himself enjoying the sound of her voice; it was light and melodious. It encouraged him to ask more questions. "What line of work are you in?"
"I'm a photographer, mainly nature. I traveled a lot before my dad got cancer. These days, I'm doing a lot of weddings, although I hope to travel again soon. I just love to see more of the world. Did you ever leave the country?"
"I've lived in Mexico for a while," he answered – a little hesitating because he wasn't sure if he wanted to share it with her. After all, it had been out of necessity.
She sat up straight. "That's so cool! I made two reports there! If you like it, I can show you them another day?" A rosy glow spread across her cheeks, apparently the question had slipped her lips.
Something in his chest seemed to ignite. A tiny splinter of his heart that was still there. Agreeing with it however was too hard, and a little evasively he answered: "We'll see."
When she cast her glance down, he regretted his nonchalance. Quickly he came up with a question, hoping to make it right. "Which other places have you visited?"
"Phew, a lot! I've been in Brazil, India, Morocco, Sri Lanka, Taiwan... Any place you'd like to go someday?" She revived again when the conversation continued, and before Juice knew it, they had been talking for an hour.
A little past midnight they left the bar. He walked with her to her car while looking for words. He had enjoyed spending time with her. She had told him interesting stories and her enthusiasm was infectious. Somewhere deep inside he wished he could join her on one of her journeys – just being away from this life for a while had to be a relief. Now he thought about it, he had seen so little of the world...
As they reached her car, he shoved his hand into his pocket. Actually he wasn't in the mood to return to an empty house, and he neither wanted to drag some slut into his bed. Actually, he wanted her...
"You eh – you wanna come to my place?"
He felt a little awkward, but he didn't want to take her to his clubhouse dorm.
"I think it's better if I don't," she answered.
He bit the inside of his cheek. Apparently she hadn't enjoyed the night like he did.
At the sight of his wronged face, she chuckled softly. She kissed his cheek. "No meaningless sex I told you, remember?"
"Well we can make it meaningful," he smirked.
"You're nowhere ready to sex that means something," she said. "Which is okay; I get that. I like you, Juice. It would be a pity to rush into anything, ruining something that might have led to something good. I have to admit I never asked a man out before." She blushed. "I'd never planned to ask you. It just... happened." Embarrassed, she raked a hand through her hair. "If I'm honest, I'm not sure what we're doing right now since you're still mourning your girlfriend. But I had a good time tonight, I hope you did too."
Juice shrugged his shoulders indifferently. When he saw the disappointment on her face, he shoved his foot across the ground awkwardly. Why was he hurting her? It was one o'clock, if he hadn't enjoyed it he would have left a long time ago.
"I did too," he admitted. For a moment he pressed his lips together. His pulse was spiking when their eyes locked. She had such a sweet face, such innocent eyes – and yet she wasn't too timid; she dared to be honest. "Maybe uhm... maybe we can go out again?"
Her smile made his chest vibrate. Man, she was so beautiful. What the hell was she doing with an embittered asshole like him?
"I'd like that," she said. "You can text me when you've time again."
Again she kissed his cheek, her hand resting on his chest for a moment. He wondered if she could feel his raging heart.
"Sweet dreams, Juice. Drive safe."
"You too."
When she got into the car, he turned around and strolled to his bike. A year ago he had never thought it would happen again, but slowly his lips bend into a smile.