They went out for a drink a couple more times. Juice noticed that he was looking more and more forward to see Fye; it did him good to know there were still women who were interested in him after wandering around in the darkest regions of life. Not that she knew anything about it. Although there weren't a lot of silences when they were talking, there were a lot of things Juice kept from her. He told her nothing about Lotte and Dana; actually he acted like the past years have never happened. He didn't know if this could lead to anything serious if he kept that part of himself in the dark. At the same time he neither thought that would happen if he completely opened up to her and told her that he hadn't been able to protect his one girlfriend and had killed the other. If anything, he wanted to keep his damaged soul to himself. He wanted her to love the man he was now, not the man who he once was. That was only a shadow, a ghost. A broken men who had died together with the women he'd loved.

Now he had started over, he had buried his ancient fears deep within him. He had a new rank within the club, had a kid he had to take care of, a new house... and yeah, maybe he should consider the possibility of a new Old Lady as well. That was also part of a new life.

Deep inside he knew he wanted it. Being together with someone again, sharing that unique thing which he had shared with Dana. The fact that he hadn't experienced that with anyone else, still chained him to his old life. He had to surrender himself to someone else again – which was hard. Actually he wasn't sure how to do it – he had a feeling that their current trail was leading to a friendship and not to something more. Even though they saw each other once or twice a week for a month now, they hadn't even kissed.

He however did fantasize about it. He wondered how her lips would taste, what her naked body would look like, how it would be to have sex with her. The last time he had banged a Croweater was already two weeks ago – it had left him with a hollow feeling, convincing him that he was looking for something else at the moment.

He wanted more.

He wanted her.

She however had told him she wanted to build things up slowly, and he wasn't sure if she had secretly meant that she wanted to be nothing more than friends now she had gotten to know him a little.

All in all Juice felt quite insecure when he stood in front of her front door for the first time in his life. She had invited him over for dinner. He hated the prickling sensation in his stomach, underlining his uncertainty – and at the same time it was a relief to feel something else than the anger and the pain that were controlling him for so long.

The door opened.

Fye greeted him with a hug and led him inside the house. The smell of food floated towards him, and he muttered that it smelled good.

"Hopefully it will taste just as good," she said with a smile that made him hold his breath for a moment. "I've tried a new receipt, it's something Indian. I'm going to put it in the oven, you can sit down on the couch, I'll get us a glass of wine."

Still feeling uncomfortable, he did as she asked and took in the cozy living room. From where he was sitting he could see her being busy in the kitchen; her blond curls bouncing up and down with every movement she made. Now and then he saw her lips move; the fact that she was talking to herself made him smile.

It didn't take long before the uneasiness slipped away. During dinner they were calling up high school memories and there after she showed him some of her most recent photo reports. The way her eyes lit up and her face beamed as she talked about her trips, caused him to rather look at her instead of at the pictures and when she noticed, she showed him a shy smile.

Awkwardly, Juice turned away his face. Again he felt like an idiot. It had never been so hard to flirt with a girl; that talent seemed to have been buried with his former girlfriends.

"You wanna watch a movie?" Fye asked after a while.

Juice wondered if she had picked up on his uneasiness and nodded slowly. She connected her phone to the tv screen and navigated through Netflix until she had found a comedy.

"This one?"

Juice shrugged, any movie sounded good right now.

As expected, it didn't take long before his attention moved from the movie to the girl next to him. Would she mind if he laid an arm around her? It was a terrible cliche – but there was a reason it was a cliche; apparently it worked. As if he was a lovesick teenager, he laid his arm across the backrest of the couch.

Suddenly he wondered if it was really her reaction that he feared. Was his shyness truly caused by the fear to be turned down, or was he rather afraid that he would turn down himself? That he wouldn't feel what he hoped to feel, that his grief got a bigger hold on him than he wanted to admit? It was also some kind of test for himself, to see if he was really ready to be in love again.

Fye didn't seem to notice. Juice took his glass from the table and when he sat up straight again, he lowered his arm until it touched her shoulders. Nervousness flared up. Her eyes shot to the side, a blush appearing on her cheeks. Quickly, she turned her glance forward again.

Juice looked forward as well, with his thumb he stroked her shoulder while he analyzed his own feelings to see if he liked this. He did.

After a while she laid her head against his shoulder. His grasp around her tightened – the little attention he still had paid to the movie disappearing completely now. He cocked his head to the side. Her forehead was only a few inches away from his lips and he leaned into her, laying a kiss on her skin.

Slowly, she lifted her head. Something hot ignited inside him and he raised his hand to caress her cheek. Her eyes were full of doubts – about him, about herself; he had no idea. Juice however was sick of his doubts; he leaned closer to her until their lips were touching. For a moment they just rested against each other as he waited to see if she would pull back. Her hand glided to the back of his head, convincing him that she wanted this too. Their lips parted, their tongues gently touched. Juice buried one hand into her curls, with the other he cupped her jaw. When the kiss became intenser, Juice lowered his hand and laid it on her thigh. The fabric of her dress was wafer-tin; still it was too much. His fingers glided underneath it and stroked her thigh.

"Juice..." Fye pulled back a little, studying his face. "Are you sure you want this?"

"Yeah. I want you Fye. You're the only one I want." He kissed her neck, pressed his fingertips into the flesh of her leg. "I want you since the moment I saw you. Nobody has been satisfying since I laid eyes on you."

She gasped for breathe when he sucked a spot in her neck, exactly where Dana –

He froze. For a moment he heard her laughter again, he felt her fingertips gliding down his spine. Still he continued to kiss her. Maybe because it was a nice memory, maybe he wanted to find more of them. Or maybe he was just enjoying the feel of his lips on her skin and her gentle touch.

For a while they kept kissing on the couch. When they started to get winded, Fye took his hand and pulled him on his feet. Her cheeks turned a shade darker when she led him to her bedroom.

"I want you too," she whispered as her arms glided around his waist. "But only... only if you meant what you just said. That I'm the only one you want." She kept his glance. "Only if this really means something to you."

"It does," he promised her and he tried to prove it to her by slowly taking off her clothes, laying her down on the bed as gentle as he could. He kissed every inch of her beautiful body before he laid himself on top of her.

"I could never look them in the eye," he said hesitantly while he looked at her. "All those women who meant nothing to me."

Most times he had taken them from behind, only because he didn't want to see their faces. They had just been a way to distract himself; pieces of meat he didn't give a shit about.

"But I do care about you. I do want to look you in the eye when we make love." He swallowed, knowing he was opening up in a way he hadn't done in a long time. "I think I'm falling in love with you Fye."

Her hands glided upwards across his sides and he breathed in sharply.

"I'm falling in love with you too, Juice."

Their lips connected again. Slowly he entered her, and for the first time this year he made sure his partner liked it too. Only when he was sure that she had eased to the feeling of him inside her, he slowly started to thrust.

After a while it became harder and harder to concentrate on the kissing. His hand was hugging her breast as he looked at her. Her lips were parted, her head bent back. Soft moans left her lips, turning him on even more.

When he could almost no longer hold back, he kissed her neck and pressed his face against the crook of it. The warm feelings that were swirling through his body had been away for such a long time that he was completely overwhelmed by them.

Finally he understood what Dana had meant.

Finally he understood how it felt to experience that feeling that Maddox had tried to destroy. But he hadn't succeeded.

He was in love again.

And instead of feeling guilty, he thought to feel Dana's lips on his forehead.

"You deserve it, sweetheart."

The memory of her voice made him cling to Fye, and for a moment all he could see were stars.

Impressions rolled over him; whispers, quiet chuckles, deep moans, hands all over his body, lips which didn't leave an inch of his skin untouched.

Whether it were memories about Dana or Fye, he didn't know.

And it didn't matter. It wasn't wrong to love them both.