Lounging on her bed, Mego lazily went through a scroll containing a recent love novel, unsuccessfully trying to stay engaged in it. For quite some time she hadn't read any, but this past month she did nothing but rest after childbirth, so she had Toya, her newly appointed handmaiden, fetch the novel for her. She just needed something, anything to get her mind off of labor, childbirth, funeral…
But, she finally let up and admitted to herself, rolling up the scroll and setting it aside, the novel was of no help. Nothing was of help. Even if she could silence the thoughts about it for a time, her swollen, aching breasts wouldn't fail to remind her; nor would the sudden rush of nausea whenever she remembered contractions and the pain she endured for nothing. Hell, the very room and bed she slept in were a constant, stinging reminder. The rightmost corner loomed empty, since the crib was taken away, and her mattress had a nasty red stain when some blood got through the towels that were put under her.
She didn't even have any will to at least put some potted flower or something there instead. She didn't have the will to do anything, at this point.
Her brother in law spent as much time with her as he could spare, but the works on the village were more intense than ever. He had to be there, to help plan and build. And frankly, even though he provided conversation and great company, she felt slightly relieved that he was away. He constantly had her go outside with him, make her think and talk about all sorts of things; or, once, he even thought of something he wanted to eat and had her make it next to all the servants they had in the house.
Mego was grateful for his attempts at making her focus on other things, but at times she very, very much needed to just stay alone and cry into the pillow.
"My lady…" Toya called, standing at the door.
"Yes?"
"Lady Amako is here to see you."
"Oh…" Mego pushed the few scrolls under the pillows, and motioned for the girl to let her mother in.
"My dear." Amako smiled going over to give Mego a tight hug. "How are you doing?"
"Well. I am better, mother."
No different than three days ago, she wished to say, but had to understand her mother's worry. The woman had made it her habit to visit Mego every two or three days, and despite feeling guilty about it, Mego had to admit she was sick of it.
"And you?"
"Oh, I am fine. Even better today, because I bring good news." Amako smiled widely, giving Mego's hand a gentle squeeze in excitement.
The girl had to smile back, and sat up to take the cup of tea Toya had brought them each.
"I'm listening." She said, slowly stirring the beverage after adding a bit of sweetener.
"You have…" Her mother began, her smile growing ever wider while she prolonged the silence, "A suitor."
Mego locked her gaze with Amako, watching as her cheerful expression was slowly diminishing, probably since she saw her excitement wasn't reciprocated. She felt as headache slowly crept into her senses, and realized, she was unintentionally frowning. A broken sigh escaped her.
"A… A suitor?"
"Yes, dear. Enough time had passed since Izuna, and… as unfortunate as it was that your child didn't… Your father and I decided it was time you remarry. You've suffered long enough." Mego watched the woman's hand slowly coming to rest atop her own, almost tempted to spill the tea on it, even if it would burn her too.
Instead, she drew another long sigh, and took a sip, to try and remain calm.
"And… Who is he?" She brought herself to ask.
"Terutoshi, son of Toshiuji."
"Are you joking? Didn't his wife leave him because he has a gambling problem? You'd… You'd give me to someone like that?!" Feeling the sudden urge to get away from Amako, Mego stood up, accidentally spilling some of the tea, and then simply handed the wet cup to Toya. "I refuse, absolutely. He's gambled his way to the brink of poverty, and he's… He's losing hair, and is too skinny, and they're not even a well respected family… No. Absolutely, no!"
Firmly, Amako set her own cup on the nearest surface and got up as well.
"And what do you expect?" The tone her mother spoke in almost made her want to start crying. "You've already buried one husband, Mego. You're no virgin, you lost one child and there's no way to know if you'll ever—" She paused briefly. "I hear these disgusting rumors about you, and I don't even want to know it they're true or not. You are, my daughter, damaged goods, as much as it pains me to say. And you can't expect a prince to marry you. You will take what you can."
"I will take nothing! I'm going to stay here, with people who don't view me as a burden to pass on!" She covered her mouth for a moment, to stop sobs from coming out. Tears were already beyond stopping at that point, as they rolled down her cheeks despite her intentions to look tough. "I lost my baby, mother! How can you make me—"
"And I lost two before I had your brothers! But I kept trying. Then I lost them!" Amako gestured, not even attempting to hide her own crying expression. "Don't tell me about loss. You need to stop living in clouds, Mego. Things are expected of you. I will not have you live here and continue fornicating with that resentful man you call brother in law!"
"Fornicating?! I never did anything inappropriate with Madara, and don't you dare call him that! He cares about me more than anyone and I love him!"
"I know you love him. The whole clan knows you love him!"
"I didn't even mean—"
The room became filled with heavy silence, when the door was abruptly opened, and Tajima stood by it, watching the three crying women stand disheveled and red faced. Yes, at some point the young handmaiden started to cry also, for panic or for whatever reason, Mego didn't know.
"What is going on?" He spoke slowly, his strict gaze sliding over their depressing expressions.
"Father in law!" Mego rushed over to his side, wrapping her arm around his. "She wants to force me to remarry!" She pointed at her mother accusingly.
"What is this all about, lady Amako?"
"My daughter had wasted enough time here, lord Tajima." She answered, wiping her tears away with her fingers. "One of your sons had made her into a widow and the other into the clan's disgrace. I'm taking her home and giving her a new life."
"Disgrace?"
"I'm sure you've heard the rumors by now."
"I've heard some things, yes, but I trust my son. He cares for Mego deeply and would never do anything to sully her." He raised his arm to ask for silence when Amako wanted to interject. "And by that, talk to him about this. Mego is his responsibility."
"Now either calm down or leave. You've caused enough commotion in my house." He added, stepping aside with only mild annoyance when she rushed past him and Mego to get out.
"So, am I right to believe you and Madara aren't doing anything you're not supposed to?" Tajima asked after a while, facing Mego, while she used her sleeve to wipe her face dry.
"Of course, father in law! I love and respect brother in law more than anyone, I could never—"
"Alright, alright." He gave her hair a gentle pat. "I trust you."
He was about to leave, but stopped to give Toya a curious look, since the girl was still weeping all the same, leaning against the wall as her shoulders shook with her sobs.
"And whatever happened to you, girl?"
"Forgive me… my lord."
He sighed, finally going about his way.
"And to think I wanted daughters."
Once they were alone, Mego went over to the handmaiden, to help her to the edge of the bed and calm her down at least a little bit. She rubbed the girl's arm gently, repeating over and over how everything would be fine… Even though, nothing was fine, and at the moment, she felt as if nothing ever would be.
….
"Don't forget the last bag." Hisa said, handing a nearly overfilled leather bag to a servant.
"Hey!" Laughing, she rushed after her little daughter, who ran right past her and back into the hallway, to join a hug Yushiro was giving their eldest girl. She stopped and leaned her side against the wall, watching them with a smile that was persistent on her face even though she kept telling them to hurry up and get going as her parents were expecting them.
It only got wider when their third girl jumped on Yushiro's back, making him laugh.
"Alright, alright. You're coming back in a few days, and I will be home." He said gently, giving their each forehead a kiss.
"You promise, father?"
"Yes. I will be here."
It took about another ten minutes for them to move and say their goodbyes to her as well, and finally, the servant left the house leading the girls across the camp and to their grandparents. After staying by the door for a bit longer to watch them leave, Hisa closed it and went back into the house.
When she made it to their living room, Yushiro was already busying himself with reading something, sipping a glass of wine in silence. She tidied up what little mess was made while the girls were getting ready to leave, then went to the window, feeling like checking the weather; although, she just recently stood by the door and had already seen outside.
She swallowed her saliva, which her mouth seemed to be producing faster than usual at the moment, and tried not to sigh at the heavy atmosphere that had descended on the room. Going to take a bath or simply saying she'll head to bed would work as a good excuse to get away from it, but it was way too early for either.
Every breath, every click of a clock, pop of the fire, every creak of the wooden floor and furniture seemed to make way too much noise, emphasizing just how silent she and her husband were. He probably seemed unbothered, to someone who didn't know him, that is; Hisa took notice of the way his fingers were restless on the clay cup he drank from, as well as the subtle clenching of his bearded jaw.
He knows. Madara's words rang inside her head. How was she supposed to face Yushiro now? When she thought he had no idea, somehow, it didn't even seem to matter. That affair she was having probably wouldn't have continued for much longer either way, for everyone's sake. But since he already knew… She had no idea how to behave.
Her entire being wanted nothing more than to be honest, tell Yushiro about it, kneel down if need be and ask for forgiveness. But, no moment seemed to be right for it. Well, that was probably due to the fact that no moment would ever be right for something like that! What was she to do? Plop down beside him and say 'Sorry I cuckolded you'?
A sigh escaped her, and this time she did nothing to stop it. Slowly, she made way over and sat down beside him. She observed him for a few moments, took in his sharp features, traces of wrinkles on his warm skin, and the grays spreading here and there through his hair and beard. She cared for her husband, even if her actions seemed to tell a different story. She desired him, even, despite the seventeen year age gap between them.
His eyes lazily slid to her, the scroll he was reading was left resting on his lap.
"Is something the matter?"
"Can't I gaze upon my husband?" She whispered, letting her fingers trace a small pattern in his beard. When she was first given to him, it seemed like the end of the world. But, her taste in men had matured quite a bit with her own age.
Yushiro smiled, returning the simple, short kiss she gave him. And another one; and one more before he pulled away and put some distance between them.
"You wish to have another child?" He asked, and Hisa almost cursed, now recalling just why she gave into her need for an affair in the first place. Not that it was any excuse, at least not a good one. But every time she tried to get intimate, he would remind her how traditional and stuck up he could be.
"No, we can do it without making—Why? Do you?"
"Not particularly, no."
"Then we don't have to make one. I just want my husband to love me." She smiled lightly, cupping his cheek in her hand. She watched closely as he tried to smile in response, but his expression soon turned sour; not at all the proper reaction to her advances. He exhaled almost in exhaustion.
"And when your husband isn't around, Hisa," his dark eyes bore into hers, and she felt her breath thicken and her heart sink, as he finished, "Who loves you then?"