(Note: According to unspoken fanfiction rules I'm supposed to set this story in South Park? But like, you can't be /from/ a place and also be a missionary in that place so this is taking place in the most boring locale imaginable. But also there's South Park characters there because no one wants to read a story with a bunch of OCs. That's not why we're here, folks. IDK. I do what I want.)

Kenny had never been the biggest fan of Colorado and the constant mountain backdrop, but he found himself immediately missing it and its stupid majestic wonder the second he arrived at Lambert International Airport in St. Louis, Missouri. There was nothing here. No mountains, no palm trees, no promise to meet big name celebrities or foreign movie stars. Just a mediocre airport in a mediocre town that looked like it could have been a carbon copy of any other airport in the Midwest.

How could Kenny have traveled for hours only to end up absolutely nowhere?

He was supposed to meet Brother and Sister Tweak at the airport. At some point Kenny figured he should stop making fun of people in his head based on their names alone, but the Tweaks were just asking for it. By the time he found them, he was utterly disappointed to see just how abysmally normal they were.

"Welcome, Elder McCormick!" Brother Tweak said spritely. His voice was nice. Too nice. Like the sound of someone pretending to use a phonograph but it's really just voice editing software. Kenny did the right thing and shook his hand thinking that maybe he would be lucky and that was the only physical contact he'd have today. "Welcome to St. Louis. I'm in the bishopric for the Southern stake. 57th ward. This is the family."

Sister Tweak looked on with a smile and before Kenny could greet her properly, she was stepping aside to introduce an unkempt young man. Mormons were big on family. Nearly their entire religion revolved around it. Kenny wasn't very alarmed to see that they'd brought their son… but what startled him was that he was about Kenny's age.

Brother Tweak put an arm around his son. "Tweek here wanted to go on a mission but we just don't have the means for it, do we buddy?" He shook Tweek around a little to get his point across. The boy made a squeaking noise and seemed to curl in on himself even more. Kenny recognized the behavior. Overbearing parents were definitely a thing back home. "That's why we've taken it upon ourselves to help out the stationed missionaries whenever possible. You should join us for family game night!"

Kenny tried to smile, and it worked, a little. It came out more like he smelled something unpleasant and forgot at the last minute he was trying to keep a straight face. He shook Tweek's hand anyway. It was cold and clammy and Tweek immediately began to apologize. It was kind of cute, actually. Even though his first name sounded exactly like his last name which meant this was going to get infinitely confusing.

"Sounds great," he said, instead.

The Tweaks were nice, easily answering any and all of Kenny's questions as they made their way through the airport. By the time he picked up his small luggage from baggage claim he'd learned more than he wanted about the stake. They were smallest ward in the stake and shrinking every year. They used to share a meeting building with a neighboring town and alternated morning and afternoon services. However, due to the decreased number of people attending, they combined the wards and were currently experiencing some growing pains.

"It's really an exciting time to be a missionary around here," Brother Tweak urged. "We're such a tightly knit family looking to expand our love to the entire metro area."

That was a nice way of putting it. To Kenny, it sounded like no one wanted them anymore and they were slowly collapsing in on themselves. He had his work cut out for him, for sure, and he wasn't even sure he wanted to do it.

With a heavy sigh, Kenny followed the Tweaks out to their car and was glad for the reprieve from Brother and Sister Tweak when he was stuffed into the backseat with Tweek.

That was, until Tweek did nothing but stare at him, wide-eyed, the entire trip.

Oh what Kenny wouldn't give to grab his cell phone and tune everyone out, but that was another perk to this missionary thing: no cell phones. He'd had to live his at home. Locked. Turned off. Hidden.

"Relax, man," Kenny said quietly, feeling like he was supposed to speak with elevated English all the time. He figured if he spoke like a normal human being to Tweek he would possibly blink for once in his life. Kenny would have had a staring contest with him if he wasn't in the back of some religious dude's car. "You can show me the uh… the fun side to Sacrament Meetings right? Back home we used to play basketball—"

"Basketball? Oh, jeez!" Tweek said, a little too loudly for Kenny's tastes. "I can't play basketball. They won't even let me serve the Sacrament, let alone handle something as dangerous as a basketball!"

Kenny's brow furrowed. "Why don't they let yo-"

Tweek held his hand up, almost in Kenny's face and Kenny could immediately see why. The kid couldn't hold still. His fingers shook and twitched and when he pulled his hand away, his face was a bright red from embarrassment or annoyance, Kenny couldn't tell which.

"Hey man, it's cool. I'm sure there are a lot of other ways you can serve." Kenny surprised himself with his own encouragement, even if he figured he was BSing his way through this.

"We all have gifts. When Heavenly Father chooses to reveal them is the real mystery," Tweek said with all the gusto of someone who has had to repeat those words over and over to himself a million times. Kenny hadn't known Brother Tweak for an hour yet and he could already tell the man had probably said those words to his son enough to emblazon them on his forehead in giant Mormon marker. Kenny liked them, actually. He was going to use that in the future and hope it made him sound wise and all-knowing.

"If it helps, I haven't found my gift, yet," Kenny pointed out with a reassuring smile. Anything to keep this guy from squeaking so suddenly again.

"But you're –gah! - good enough to be on a mission."

Kenny shook his head slightly and chanced a glance up at the front of the car to make sure Brother and Sister Tweak weren't listening in. They had the station set to satellite radio and were talking to each other about something food related. He leaned in and lowered his voice. "Between you and me, I'm not sure sure. I have uh… doubts. I was hoping a mission would solve that."

That really wasn't why he was on a mission but just in case the Tweaks happened to listen in, he figured it best to cover his own ass. Tweek, however, wrung his hands together, fingers dipping in and out of each other in a pattern that would have been mesmerizing to watch if someone recorded it and put it up on YouTube.

"I… this…" Tweak fumbled through his words and ultimately gave up on them all together with a cry of, "This is too much pressure!" before finally falling silent and turning around to look out the window and decidedly not at Kenny.

Kenny wondered if he went too far. He'd only just met Tweek and there was no reason for him to let him in on that big of a secret. Then again, Tweek may be the only other person his age who wasn't a missionary. It wasn't like he was in the market for many peers, now. The days of high school were over. He could pretend he wasn't part of the church back home, but now everyone had to treat him like they were walking on eggshells. What a great two years this would be.

The rest of the car ride was filled with the odd question or two from Brother Tweak about Kenny and what it was like in Colorado. Kenny answered with as few words as possible and wondered if the overwhelming and sickeningly sweet niceness was a trait Mormons had all over the world. Was it something they were born with? Clearly false converts couldn't fill the cheerful quota.

Oh no. What if his mission brother would be just as cheerful?

Before Kenny could dwell on it too much, the Tweaks pulled up to a nondescript apartment building. It was a gray January day meaning no one in their right mind would be out and about. The grass remained the color of death, a recent snowfall having sapped it of anything residually green. It was a familiar sight which meant Kenny hated it. When Gary first began to talk about the joys of being a missionary, he made it seem like he would be going off on an adventure in some grand flat above a store somewhere in the heart of everything.

There was a gas station at the corner of the street, so that was about as good as it got.

"Home sweet home," Brother Tweak said breathily, opening the door for Kenny to get out. "Elder Stotch arrived yesterday. I'm sure he'll be excited to finally meet you."

Kenny said nothing in response. He merely picked up his bag and slung his backpack over his shoulder as he got out of the car. All missionaries were advised to have a backpack to carry necessities as they made their way door to door, but they weren't allowed to have many material possessions if at all. Kenny packed only some everyday toiletry items and a few changes of civilian clothing. Everything else would be provided by the ward.

Being a missionary was supposed to be a lesson in humility but Kenny was already used to living with next to nothing. The only difference now was that as a missionary he wasn't seen as poor anymore, but blessed and humble. If anything, it would be a nice change from the poverty narrative he was used to.

Brother Tweak followed Kenny inside. It was probably his duty to make sure Kenny was well-acclimated. Once at the door, he handed over Kenny's key and a small handwritten card. "A note of encouragement," he said cheerfully, patting the note into Kenny's hand with the key.

It would have been weird if Kenny wasn't so used to members of the church doing things like that. There was a woman in his congregation back home who would bake a loaf of bread for everyone's birthday in the ward. Everyone. She baked nearly every day. A small handwritten note from a ward official was nothing in comparison.

Kenny just nodded and when he finally went to open the door, he could hear the rattling of various locks from the other side. Suddenly the door was thrown open to reveal a young man with shockingly blonde hair against similarly shockingly pale skin. The white of his missionary uniform blended in with his complexion, making it look like a floating tie had opened the door.

Elder Stotch.

"Why hello Brother Tweak!" he chirped so happily, Kenny wondered if he were waiting just at the other side of the door until he could hear them come in. He reached forward to shake Brother Tweak's hand before turning his hand toward Kenny.

"And you must be Elder McCormick! Oh I've just been so tickled to meet you!" When Elder Stotch shook Kenny's hand, he held onto it with both of his own, shaking vehemently until Kenny could feel his elbow rattle.

"Uh, hey," was all Kenny could say. Even if it was a bit mumbled.

"I'll let you two get acquainted, then. You call me if you need anything," Brother Tweak said, already stepping to the side.

Elder Stotch let go of Kenny's hand to reach into the front pocket of his white shirt and pulled out a small phone that was probably so obscure they didn't even sell covers for it on Amazon. "Will do, Brother Tweak! We'll be just fine. See you at church tomorrow!"

"See you at church, Elders. Sleep well!"

And then Brother Tweak was gone, leaving Kenny at the threshold of his apartment with an overly enthusiastic ghost.

Elder Stotch wasted no time in tugging Kenny inside and shutting the door. Kenny noted that Elder Stotch didn't just turn the deadbolt, but there were at least two other mechanical locks he made sure to use before he turned to Kenny, the smile never having left his face.

"Oh, I'm so glad you're here. It's been so quiet around here when it's just me. I can only play solitaire so much before my eyes start to cross. But it's okay. I'm used to being alone in my room back home. It's not much different. Only now I have a buddy!"

"Yeah, that's-"

"Can I get you something to eat? We don't have much, yet. The bishopric keeps this place stocked pretty okay from the warehouse but we're supposed to use those kinds of things for the needy and not for us. But there's cereal. Do you like Frosted Flakes? Oh… well, it looks like they're not frosted. Just regular corn flakes. But they should still be good."

"No, it's okay, I—"

"Oh how silly of me. I should have given you a tour first! You'll want to put away your stuff. Follow me."

Kenny's head spun as Elder Stotch stopped talking only long enough to push past Kenny and disappear to a small hallway on the other side of the living room. Kenny hadn't had the chance to really look around yet, but there wasn't very much to look at, if at all. They had a large living room, but only because part of it opened up into a kitchen. One entire wall was dedicated to a fridge, stove, and counterspace with only a small amount of tile to signify that this was the kitchen. The rest of the room was carpeted to show a living space. On the opposite end of the room, it opened up into a small hallway.

With a sigh, Kenny followed Elder Stotch down this hallway to where it opened up into three rooms: two bedrooms and a bathroom.

"This one's mine," Elder Stotch pointed to the one on the right. "They're pretty much the exact same, but the morning sun shines through my window. I hope you don't mind. I like waking up with the sun."

Kenny shrugged. It didn't much matter to him. He turned to the room on the left and made his way inside. There was nothing in there except for a bed, a side table, a dresser and a lamp.

It was glorious.

And clean.

And his.

At home he had to share a room with Kevin, but here, he had privacy, clean sheets, and a fresh dresser. The room smelled like absolutely nothing which was phenomenal. After all the minor annoyances he'd faced since he made the decision to become a missionary, this, to him, was payment. He had a small alcove to call his own.

He forgot all about his mission partner as he set his bag down and began to unpack, putting the meager amount of clothing he owned into the dresser and taking out his bag of toiletries to place into the bathroom. When he turned around, Elder Stotch was still at the door, smiling wide like he had no idea how to make the facial expression go away.

"You really didn't bring much of anything with you, did you," he said with a giggle. "I know we weren't supposed to, but I brought along a comfort item or two, you know, to remind me of home."

Kenny gave Elder Stotch a weak smile. He didn't know what else to say to that. Elder Stotch, it seemed, didn't know either. With a sigh, he leaned against the doorframe.

"You don't talk very much do ya, buddy?"

Kenny opened his mouth to respond, then closed it, then opened it again. "I haven't had the chance. You do all the talking for me."

"Oh do I? I'm sorry. I'm just so excited."

"I can tell," Kenny said. He wasn't sure what to think of Elder Stotch just yet. He was talkative, overexcited, and kind of goofy looking. Kenny really hoped none of those qualities would start to get on his nerves.

His tone must have been closed off because Elder Stotch sort of shrank in on himself, pressing his hands together awkwardly. "Oh, well, I suppose I'll just go back to playing cards in the living room and… let you unpack."

Kenny felt a little guilty at that. He didn't want his bad mood about the mission in general to seep in on his first day. He was going to be spending a lot of time with Elder Stotch in the interim. It was probably a good idea to be a little more chill with him.

After the other missionary left the room, Kenny finished emptying his bag and dropped off his toiletries to the bathroom before going to the living room to check on his partner.

Elder Stotch was sitting on the couch staring at a card in his hand, flipping it back and forth between his thumb and forefinger. Kenny watched him for a moment before sighing and moving to sit on a chair opposite. The room was as sparsely furnished as the rest of the house and it wasn't until Kenny made a thorough sweep that he realized what exactly was missing.

They had no television.

The reality of what his life was going to be like for the next two years began to dawn on him. No television. No internet. No phone. Nothing but the scriptures and the church. He wished he could get that feeling of relief he had when he first saw his bedroom. This was going to be way harder than he thought. No wonder Elder Stotch had talked his ear off the moment he walked in.

"Hey, sorry about that. It was a long flight," Kenny said quietly, hoping he hadn't made the worst first impression.

Elder Stotch perked up, but Kenny could tell from the way he clenched his jaw that he was trying to hide it. "That's okay. I've been told I come on a little strong."

"No, no, man, I get it," Kenny said, holding up his hands. "There's not even a TV in here, dude. I can't blame ya. I'm just not a big talker."

"That's all missionary work is, silly. Talking."

"Yeah," Kenny sighed. "I'm starting to wonder why I thought I could do this."

Elder Stotch just laughed. "Everybody's nervous. I can do all the talking for you if you want."

"You'd do that for me, Elder Stotch?" Kenny asked. They basically had to memorize a couple of different scripts so there would be no confusion on what needed to be said, but if Kenny didn't have to do that part, he'd be grateful.

Elder Stotch flinched. "Ugh, that's gonna take some getting used to. It sounds like I'm my dad. You don't have to call me that."

"Oh, uh…" Kenny fumbled, trying to remember the name on his paperwork. It had been a really weird name. Leonard? No. "Leopold?"

His mission partner winced again. "No, uh, see people back home just called me Butters. You can just call me that. It makes me feel like myself."

Kenny could understand that. After being forced into a uniform and a haircut, he felt like he had been stripped of his identity a little bit, too. "I can call you Butters. No problem." He'd just have to remember to shift into Elder Stotch in public, but it shouldn't be too hard. Growing up as poor as Kenny did meant he had to learn to style shift as a necessity. "Why Butters though?"

Butters shrugged. "It's just… always been Butters. What about you? Kenneth?"

"Kenny."

"Kenny…." Butters echoed, trying it out. "Yeah, that's so much better. I really feel like we can be friends, now, you know? No elders. Just us."

Kenny let himself smile. Ever since he left Colorado, he'd been nothing but Elder McCormick. Hearing his own name gave Kenny the sense that there was a part of him that not even the church could hide. Any annoying impression Butters gave him when he first arrived was immediately forgotten. His missionary partner was just another kid like him, worried about this change in his life.

"You wanna play some cards, Kenny?"

Well, what else was he going to do?