Butters wanted to put their new game plan into effect right away. It went as follows:

Step 1: Have Kenny use down-to-earth language to speak to investigators.

Step 2: Allow those who do not wish to hear the gospel to leave the room.

Step 3: Get a baptism and save their hides.

It was a simple enough plan and it looked great both on paper and in theory, but Kenny felt like so much of it landed on him that it only made him want to jump out the window and abandon this whole endeavor, cute mission partner and all. The world was filled with cute people. Hell, Craig was a cute people. Kenny could get behind that. Or in front, whatever.

And yet he found himself chugging along the sidewalks with Butters, trudging through the freshly fallen January snow. Kenny was used to the snow and the cold, but it looked like the rest of the city wasn't. People were holed up in their homes and afraid to come out for fear of certain death. That, of course, made it much easier for Kenny and Butters to have someone actually answer the door.

They were in a poor part of town, one that made Kenny feel more comfortable. The high rising McMansions of the upper class unnerved him. Here he felt like he could slouch a little and be a part of something other than his current plight.

Some people were rude here, and others let their large dogs do the door-answering for them. And then, there was the odd old lady who tried to convert them to a completely different religion when prompted.

Just as Butters' unwavering optimism began to lose face, Kenny knocked on the door of a nondescript single family home.

The door opened to a heavy-set young man about their own age with a thick red sweater and a blue snow cap even though he was indoors. Kenny didn't question the absurdity of it. He couldn't feel much heat coming from inside.

"Hey man," Kenny started, opting for the less-traditional approach he and Butters agreed on that went completely against the missionary teachings. "You wanna hear about something awesome?"

"Uh…." the stranger said intelligently. He eyed the two of them and then he started to laugh. "Mom!" he called out into the home. "Mom, get over here! There's honest-to-God Jehovah's Homos at the door!"

Kenny felt the familiar grip of anger twist in his stomach. He knew Butters had it too based purely on the way he could practically feel the other boy tense behind him. Kenny balled one hand into a fist to deflect his emotions and kept his smile, though his teeth were clenched. "Please, it will only take a minute of your time."

"Hahahaha, yeah, okay, totally. Come on in," the stranger said, leading the way inside. A woman appeared from somewhere else in the house and smiled in greeting. By all accounts it was better for them to stay on the doorstep, or better yet on the sidewalk, walking far away. But they were invited in and like vampires they were obligated to invade the premises.

"Why hello! Oh, you're so young! And you must be so cold! Come inside and sit by the space heater. You poor things. Eric sweetie, can you close the door?" Her voice was high and gentle—a far cry from her son's raspy and overstated drawl.

Eric didn't just shut the door. He slammed it in a way that indicated he wasn't happy that his mom gave him an order. Kenny figured it was best to get this out of the way.

"I'm Elder McCormick," he stated and then indicated Butters. "And this is Elder Stotch. We're actually from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I have a feeling you're going to like what we have to say."

"Yeah," Butters chirmed in. "It's real interesting. You can save your whole soul! How about that?"

"My soul is already saved. I went to church a few times. I know all about your Jesus," Eric mumbled. "Can't you say anything else super dumb? Like how hard you get for Jesus or something? I want to put something good up on Instagram." He held his phone in front of him and moved around the room, trying to get a good angle.

Butters shied away from the camera which just put him behind Kenny more. Kenny's eye twitched at Cartman's movements. Time to initiate step two. "What was your name again? Eric? If you don't want to listen, no one is making you. We can talk to your mother here or leave."

"Um…. Leave. This is my house," Eric snapped immediately.

"Now hold one," Eric's mother stepped forward, gently nudging her son aside. "Eric, I want to know what these boys have to say. Why don't you go up to your room and play your games. Enjoy your snow day."

"But myooooooom!" Eric whined. Actually whined.

Eric's mother shook her head. "I'm a big girl, sweetie. I can handle myself. I'll call you when dinner is ready."

Eric mumbled to himself and tromped off toward his room leaving his mother alone with Kenny and Butters. Kenny could hardly believe it. So far their plan was working.

Kenny held his hand out for the mother to shake. "I never caught your name, ma'am."

"Oh I'm Liane," she said gracefully. "Liane Cartman. Please, take a seat."

The couch was old and riddled with cheesy dust but Kenny was grateful for the chance to sit. Butters hesitated a little, trying to wipe off some of the dirt before sitting. Kenny flashed Butters a hopeful look which Butters returned but then Butters looked toward some place behind Kenny and his smile faded. Kenny turned to see Liane had undone one of the buttons of her shirt, lowering the neckline of her blouse.

Oh.

Kenny could deal with this. He leaned back on the couch and gave Liane a smarmy grin. If this wasn't the most sinful way to get someone to come to the church…

"So, Mrs. Cartman. What questions do you have for the church?"

"Oh please, call me Liane," she breathed. "I've always been so curious about your ways. What church did you say you were from?"

"The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, ma'am."

"I thought you were Mormons."

"Ah," Butters piped up. "Well, we are. We're Mormons because we follow the Book of Mormon. He was a prophet who used to live here on Earth. He compiled all the books of the prophets and good men before him into one true document. We call it the Book of Mormon because he was the editor."

"Oh how… how odd…." Liane raked a hand across her collarbone. "And is it true you can marry multiple women?"

Butters sputtered and turned a bright shade of red and Kenny interjected with a shake of his head. "After the Prophet Joseph Smith died, there were some factions who did not believe he named his friend Brigham Young as the new prophet. They began to follow their own prophets, including Joseph Smith's son, Joseph Smith Jr. Some of those sects are polygamous."

"Yeah," Butters said, finding his voice. "We believe families should be together forever, but they consist of one man and one wife and their children." Kenny didn't like hearing that out loud. One man and one woman. It felt as constricting as the temple garments looked. And yet his hypocritical ass kept going.

"Well then… who was Joseph Smith?"

….and so it began.

Butters and Kenny tag-teamed it. They no longer needed their plan of action. Liane was eagerly eating up their words for one reason or another. They made it through the beginning of Joseph Smith's life and how he came across the golden plates that would eventually become the Book of Mormon, and they left her with a Book of Mormon for her very own to read. They even read the introduction together to show that there were witnesses to this translation and that it was indeed true.

Liane seemed to glow. "You know, I always thought it was weird that Jesus only seemed to care about Jerusalem. I was raised Catholic and no one ever mentions America."

"Heavenly Father didn't forget about America," Kenny said. "Next time we come, we can read about when Jesus came back from the dead and spread his word across the entire globe. That means he came to America…. And there's proof right here."

"Oh boy. You're coming again?"

"If you want, yeah," Kenny didn't even bother pulling away every time she tried to sit closer to him.

"I would like that very much. Just you two boys, yeah?"

"Just us two."

Liane smiled. "Then we'll set a date. I've been thinking about my past and how I can make up for it and this just feels right."

"Well we'll help you, ma'am!" Butters said happily, reaching out to shake her hand. "We can put your number into our phone to keep in touch."

When Liane gave Butters her information and they set up a date for their next visit, Kenny could see a complete change in Butters posture and facial expression. They found someone. Someone was willing to listen to them. This was a leap in the right direction!

"May we close this session with a prayer?" Butters asked.

"Oh, yes. Certainly."

Butters opened his mouth to start praying but then remembered protocol. "You can pick who you want to say the prayer."

Liane's hand went to her chest in such a way that it seemed like she was trying to direct attention to her breasts. "Oh me? Well." She turned to Kenny. "You're just so adorable. Why don't you do it, honey?"

Kenny figured if he was going to keep riding this cougar train all the way to her baptism, he was going to secure the deal. "Of course. Just fold your arms across your middle and be reverent. That is, to listen with your heart." Liane placed her arms around her middle and purposely pushed her breasts up exactly how Kenny thought she would. They were nice-looking anyway. Not that he noticed. "And now… we pray…."

"Oh Kenny we have one! We have one!"

As soon as they were at the end of the Cartmans' driveway, Butters had launched himself onto Kenny's arm in a half hug.

"We have a callback! We're going back to see her! Do you think she'll get baptized?"

"Calm down," Kenny said gently, making sure to steady himself on the slippery ground. "It's still in the air. She's investigating. We have to convince her to come to church with us, still."

"I think she'll come," Butters said hopefully. "And maybe we can convert her son, too. He really needs the spirit, Kenny!"

"Yeah," Kenny chuckled as they made their way to the bus stop. "He really does."

High on their first victory, Kenny and Butters made it through the week not even bothered that they hadn't gotten through to anyone else. Granted it seemed like Liane only wanted into the church for the cute missionaries, but Kenny was only here for a cute missionary so he could sympathize.

By the time Sunday rolled around, they were happy just to have something to report to the Bishop. But when Kenny and Butters walked into the chapel area, they were greeted with another pair of pristine, suited missionaries.

Once they spotted Kenny and Butters, the two missionaries made their way over. The taller one had dark black hair, cropped short, and the build of someone who knew his way around a football field. Kenny cursed the heavens for sending yet another good-looking missionary into his lap. The shorter one's hair curled a bit and was a dirty brown but he wasn't at all appealing, which Kenny found refreshing.

"Hey," the taller football player said, extending his hand. Kenny shook it. It was firm. And businesslike. For every bit of Butters that was soft and gentle, this guy was rough and angled. "I'm Elder Marsh. This is my mission partner, Elder Malkinson. This is a nice little ward over here. Very homey."

"Uh-huh…" Kenny said, trailing off. Why were there other missionaries in their ward? Were they just visiting? "I'm Elder McCormick and this is Elder Stotch."

"Oh we know who you are," Elder Marsh said with a shrug. "We were sent by the stake to check up on you guys."

"Yeah," Elder Malkinson breathed heavily through his mouth. It sounded like he had a cold. "Stan's the best." Elder Marsh gave Elder Malkinson a look. "Oops, I mean Elder Marsh. He's already baptized eleven people and he's only been here for six months!"

"E-eleven people?" Butters stuttered.

Elder Marsh waved off the awe. "I don't do anything. It's all on the people. They want to come to the church. That's all."

Kenny remembered the way Liane practically fell into their lap and he wondered if Stan just happened to get lucky with all of his converts.

"Well we have an investigator! We're seeing her this week!" Butter interjected. He looked like a kitten trying to stand his ground.

"Just one?" Stan asked.

"We have to start somewhere," Kenny said with a shrug.

Stan nodded. "Well, your bishop reached out to our bishop for help. That's why we're here. Looks like we'll be working together, the four of us."

"Yeah?" Kenny said out loud when he really wanted to scream up at the ceiling. He could relax around Butters but he didn't think he could do anything like that with two more people breathing down his neck. Even if one of them was hotter than the sun. That was just one more boner for Kenny to have to hide away. Not that Butters ever gave him one. Yet.

"Isn't that exciting?" said Elder Malkinson.

"Totally," said Kenny.

"Great!" said Elder Marsh.

It wasn't great.

All during the Sacrament meeting, Kenny and Butters had to sit next to Elder Marsh and Elder Malkinson. It took away from the tiny moments he got to nudge at Butters' knee and try to see how flush he could get with Butters' arm before anyone noticed. Now, he felt like he was constantly being judged by the two senior missionaries.

After the meeting, Butters tugged Kenny into the coat room so they could speak privately. Kenny was more than happy to oblige.

"What are we gonna do, Kenny?" Butters asked, nervous. "They're going to either take all our people from us or they're going to find out we both don't want to be here. Oh no oh no oh no…" Butters began to fidget, pressing the backs of his fists together in a nervous fit.

Kenny placed his hands on either side of Butters' shoulders to try and calm him down. The fidgeting stopped, but his hands were still together. "Maybe they'll just give us some pointers and go away."

Butters sniffed. "You know… it wouldn't be so bad… having some friends who know what we're going through."

"That's the spirit," Kenny nudged Butters' cheek with his hand. This more than made up for not being able to touch him during the Sacrament meeting. It unnerved him how much he wanted to be closer to Butters. It wasn't anything like the crushes he had on nearly everyone back home. The more he got to know Butters the worse it got. He wanted to protect the poor kid. "But still, we're going to baptize someone and kick their asses. You with me?"

"Well, I don't know about kicking and um, butts, but—"

Kenny leaned in. They were so close he could smell the mouthwash on Butters' breath. "Are you with me, Leo?"

Butters swallowed thickly and then nodded. "We'll beat their record." His eyes were big and round and Kenny felt like the closer he leaned, the closer he got to falling inside of them.

They were interrupted by a little kid who ran into the coat room to dodge an exhausted mother and they both pulled away. Kenny nodded politely to the mom and ruffled the little kid's hair before exiting the coat room, Butters in tow.

That Monday Kenny and Butters received a text message from the other Elders asking if it was okay for them to come over. Kenny hastily sent a text back and rolled out of bed. He had been hoping to have some more time to waste by lying about but now he had to get up and do something, so he groaned and hobbled toward the bathroom to brush his teeth and wake himself up.

"Well you're up early."

Butters was sitting in his room when Kenny emerged from the bathroom, toothbrush in mouth.

Kenny shrugged and then went back to clean up his mouth before going back to Butters' room. He still hadn't bothered to change out of his pajamas, which were really just his boxers. He scratched his stomach. Butters wouldn't look directly at him again. "Got a text from Elder Douchebags. They wanna come over."

"But!" Butters stammered, hastily trying to put his uniform on a hanger so that it wouldn't crease. He was in his casual clothing—clothes that were required to be as nondescript as possible, which ended up being plain shirts and khakis. They weren't allowed to have a personality on mission, apparently. "We were going to go out together… just you and me. I was…. I was looking forward to it."

Kenny put a hand to his chest in a mocking way. "Awww, Leo. That's so sweet. I was looking forward to it, too. But now we have to entertain some nerds."

Butters harrumphed and hung up his shirt. "Yeah well this… this stinks."

Kenny laughed and leaned against the doorframe, and then he got an itch on his back and used the frame to scratch it, his elbows bowing outward as he got the right spot. He peeked out of the corner of his eye and caught Butters staring, mouth slightly agape and hand still on the hanger in his closet. Well, that was another interesting development. Kenny had no issues with being ogled. He used his shoulder blades to launch himself from the frame and was kind enough to give Butters a heads up so he could avert his gaze again. "I could always tell them one of us is sick."

Butters gasped. "But that would be lying."

"But it means I get to spend the day with you alone. Isn't that worth it?" Kenny teased.

Really, the shade of red that was finding its home on Butters' face was glorious. "We will have other days, Kenny."

"Party pooper."

Butters responded by throwing a sock in Kenny's direction. "Put a shirt on. You're distracting me."

"Oh? Am I distracting?" Kenny teased some more. He wouldn't have dared to act like this at the beginning of their mission, but they were nearly six weeks in and he thought it was an absolute sin that he hadn't even seen his roommate naked, yet. He raised his arms over his head and stretched. This time Butters threw a whole shoe at him. It hit Kenny square in the side and he doubled over with both pain and laughter. "Jerk. Fine, I'll get dressed."

"Thank you." But there was no malice in his voice.

Kenny grinned to himself the whole time he got dressed, feeling oddly giddy. Even when he emerged from the room he felt like he walked a little differently. He flirted like this so often with people back home but here, in repressed sexuality universe, it felt good to just get something as small as that out in the open. Kenny was made to flirt. He desperately needed to spread his wings. And the visiting Elders were just going to squash them down.

When he emerged, he saw Butters at the dining table with a bowl of cereal. Butters hardly looked up from the back of the box, no doubt doing whatever puzzle was on there. Kenny let him be for a moment while he went to retrieve his own bowl, but he had to break Butters' concentration by stealing the cereal box.

"Hey! I didn't get to finish the maze!"

Kenny glanced at the box in his hand and turned it over to see the maze on the back. "Well, I guess the duck ain't never gonna find it's way to the pond…. That's shaped like a cereal bowl. Are we eating ducks?"

Butters giggled and Kenny poured himself a bowl. He gave the box back and sat down to eat. Just before Kenny was about to take a bite, Butters cleared his throat and Kenny looked up to see Butters glaring at him from over the cereal box.

"Pray?"

"Sorry," Kenny muttered and set the spoon down. He did a quick, silent prayer and finally began to eat.

"When are the other Elders coming?" Butters asked.

Kenny glanced at the clock on the wall. "Soon, I guess. I don't know how long it'll take them to get here."

"I wonder if they got a ride or they're taking the bus."

It was a quiet, mundane conversation. Kenny didn't have to pay attention to it at all and simply ate his cereal with a peaceful mindset. Butters, however, chose this particular morning to fidget and look uncomfortable. By the time Kenny finished his cereal, he couldn't ignore his mission partner anymore.

"Leo? You okay?"

Butters stood up suddenly as if he had been shocked. He grabbed his bowl and Kenny's and took them to the sink.

"Butters?" Maybe it was easier to use the name he knew the most.

Butters tensed at the sink, hand poised over the faucet without turning on the water.

Concerned, Kenny moved across the room to follow him. The air around Butters felt tense and wrong.

Finally, Butters let out a shuddering breath. "I'm just worried they're gonna see right through us. I feel like I'm hiding a million secrets and I… and I just don't know what to do with them all!"

Kenny smiled and leaned against the counter, his arms folding easily across his chest. "It's gonna be fine, Leo. Just keep doing what you're doing. I never would have known a thing if you didn't tell me. You do a convincing job looking like you've got a hard on for the gospel."

"Kenny!"

Kenny laughed. "You're so hard to read! One second you're a renegade and the next you're afraid of authority. I can't get a feel for you." He hadn't taken his eyes off Butters for a second but when he said that, Butters looked up to meet his eyes. Kenny didn't pull away. "It makes you incredibly interesting," he finished. He maybe possibly might have also added some of his Kenny smarm to that. There was enough of it, at least, to make Butters blush again and he had to redirect his thoughts to the sink and washing the breakfast dishes.

There was a knock at the door and Kenny grinned, giving Butters' shoulder a pat. "Time to feed this web of lies."

Kenny went to go open the door, but he was surprised to find not both Elders standing there, but only Stan.