Kenny had a problem.
A blonde-haired blue-eyed problem with a scar over his left eye and skin pale enough to burn on an overcast day.
It must have been the proximity, or the fact that Kenny was reminded every day how much he was sinning just from thinking about his mission partner. Somehow that made the whole idea more enticing, more forbidden. And really, it wasn't fair to Butters if Kenny ruined his life by saying something about it when Kenny was pretty sure if he noped off the face of the planet, eventually he'd get over this crush.
Because that's all it was, right? A little thump of the heart, the need to feel wanted and accepted, the need to have human contact that wasn't a handshake… Kenny was human and he had ineeds/i and those needs seemed to scream a little louder than literally everyone else he knew.
After he and Butters had their heart-to-heart at the Jewish Family and Children Services Center Kenny figured they would drift apart and if anything, become even more platonic. But no. Butters had established that he and Kenny were best friends and best friends to Butters meant something entirely different than Kenny's definition.
In fact, Kenny wasn't really sure what his definition was, but it certainly didn't include holding hands as they walked or hugs good morning. He enjoyed the contact immensely, but it did very little to squash back the unwarranted feelings. Why did he have to catch feelings for his mission partner of all people? If only Kenny could rewind and get someone boring like Scott Malkinson.
Well, no, that wasn't a good idea, either, because Kenny would get himself purposely kicked out from sheer boredom. Butters was keeping him in this game just so they could be together… and also so he didn't disappoint his family. Plus, there was always the possibility of coming home to scholarships to Brigham Young University where he could try to dig himself out of the poverty hole.
So he grinned and bore it. And if he enjoyed it secretly… well, that was his own guilty pleasure.
It wasn't all repressed feelings and nights of frustration. Butters also began opening up to Kenny more about some of the things that bothered him. Once, when they were having breakfast and Butters ate the last of the cereal, he was so consumed with guilt that he began to cry as he apologized to Kenny.
Kenny had been dumbstruck, unsure of what to do except to pull the other into his arms and stroke his hair until he stopped sobbing. Of course, he did none of that. He only stared and thought it, wished it, willed it into existence. Instead he said, "It's okay. I'll have oatmeal." Then he went to make himself a bowl.
As he used the last of the milk to make his oatmeal, he tried to lessen Butters' grief by holding up the empty container. "See?" he had said, "I used the last of the milk. We're even."
Butters sniffed and his tears began to dry up. "I'm real sorry, Kenny," he started, idly swirling his cereal around in his bowl with his spoon. "Back at home I wasn't allowed to finish something off. If I saw I was near empty, I would have to tell my parents and they got the last bit until we went grocery shopping again."
Kenny stared at him. "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard," Kenny said, because it was.
Butters only shrugged. "It was pretty light considering what else they used to do."
That statement made Kenny's eyes widen. If his parents were that strict about something as trivial as breakfast cereal, what else were they capable of? Just how much of Butters' life did they make miserable? The more time he spent away from them, the more he seemed to relax. He no longer freaked out about dishes the way he used to, so that was a start.
"Leo… what did they do to you?"
"I was a bad kid. I got grounded a lot… so I probably deserved it."
Kenny's blood began to boil. "Leo, you're the kindest, most considerate person I've ever met. I can't imagine you getting in trouble for anything." He was brave enough then to take a chair and swing it around backwards close to Butters and sit, his legs spread open on either side of it. "Sounds like you got the short end of the stick when it came to parents. But you're an adult, now. They can't control you anymore."
"They could stop sending me money," Butters hiccupped. "When mom writes she says she's proud of me but if she only knew how bad of a missionary I am… well, I reckon she could ground me all the way from there."
"Then we'll baptize someone, but don't do it for them. Do it for you," Kenny offered.
Either way, Kenny had a reason to try harder. He wanted to do it for Butters. He needed a win in his life and Kenny was going to give it to him. The only problem was he was already being wrung out and he knew if he didn't get a break soon, he would snap from being wound too tight.
After that, missionary work became routine and almost robotic. They found more people willing to start investigating the church and even brought one old lady to church with them on Sunday. She sat willingly through Gospel Principles class with them. It was a start. The rest of the time they went over the Plan of Salvation in people's homes, trying their hardest not to scare them away.
Mondays were still the best in Kenny's opinion. Any excuse not to wear the uncomfortable professional clothing and irritating shoes was okay by him. That, and whenever they went over to the Tweak's house, they could be guaranteed a hot meal and a board game with more than two people.
One Monday Brother Tweak didn't come pick them up and instead they were greeted with a text by Tweek saying that his parents were away at a conference but if they wanted to come over anyway, Tweek would enjoy the company. Only the texted wasn't worded so nicely and was riddled with emojis, but Kenny appreciated it all the same.
There wasn't any harm in going over to Tweek's house. Without Brother and Sister Tweak there to police them, they wouldn't have to have a lesson or pray or even wear their uniforms.
Butters was hesitant at first, citing that if Brother and Sister Tweak came home early, they could get into a lot of trouble, but Kenny assured him that if anything, they would like the idea that his son had thought to invite missionaries over.
But when Kenny and Butters arrived at Tweek's house, there was an unfamiliar car parked in the driveway. Confused, Kenny knocked on the door and exchanged a curious glance with Butters as they waited.
There was the sound of laughter and footsteps as the door handle moved and Tweek appeared, rosy cheeked and giggling. "You made it!" he exclaimed, looking very much unlike himself. He wasn't twitching nearly as bad and his shirt was buttoned up the right way. He moved aside to let the missionaries in.
Butters huddled close behind Kenny as they immediately skipped the living room and moved down the hall toward Tweek's room. "I'm so glad you could make it," Tweek called behind him. "I noticed you seemed kind of uptight the last few game nights and figured you could ah… uh relax a little bit." Then he kind of paused and twitched for the first time that night. "But don't tell anyone, okay?"
"Dude," Kenny held a hand up, already loving this turn of events. "Not a soul."
"Kenny…." Butters stammered from behind him, the worry in his voice evident. "What's going on?"
"Fun is going on," Kenny said with a grin.
Tweek opened the door and the smell of fresh coffee hit Kenny first, followed by the sound of laughter. Sitting on Tweek's bed were two boys, a brunette with a Starbucks cup in his hand and a relaxed, casual look in his eye and a black boy lounging back, his eye catching the door as it opened. Craig sat on the floor against the bed, a controller in his hand as he played some kind of video game.
"Oh hey guys," Craig deadpanned, barely looking up from the game. "You came."
The two boys on the bed eyed Kenny and Butters with interest.
"So um… that's Clyde and that's Token," Tweek said, pointing each boy out. "And you already know Craig. Guys. These are friends from church but they're cool, promise. This is uh… Kenny and Butters." It felt strange to hear their real names spoken by Tweek. They'd told him a while back but during church and around his parents, he always called them Elder McCormick and Elder Stotch. Of course, it would be weird as hell to be elders, now. These guys were normal—relatively speaking. Kenny didn't know them well enough to vouch for them, but in this case assuming wouldn't be too far off, probably.
"Yo," Kenny said, giving them both the benefit of the doubt and a short wave.
"Heeeeey," the one named Clyde said easily. "We're just watching Craig lose all his horses in Breath of the Wild and we ordered some pizza."
Pizza. Kenny hadn't had the stuff in so long his stomach growled just thinking about it. He could hear Butters make a cute noise of anticipation behind him and he smiled.
They weren't allowed to play video games or watch movies. Kenny never thought he would be in a situation where having a normal existence was so vehemently against the rules. Any other 19 year old would be doing this on any given day without a care in the world.
'A missionary was closer to Heavenly Father,' his ass. Kenny had never felt further away from Him.
As Kenny crossed the threshold into Tweek's room, he felt a hand on his upper arm and he turned to see Butters looking undecided.
"Kenny, can we talk for a minute?" he asked carefully.
Kenny looked back and forth between Butters and the rest of the guys and nodded. "We'll be right back," he said to the others and disappeared outside Tweek's room. Butters led them to the living room where he began to pace.
"We can get in so much trouble," he said.
"Butters, we've been cooped up in that apartment for so long… and our only outlet is going around talking to people about the same thing day in and day out. We deserve this."
"But—"
"It's only for a few hours," Kenny said, well aware that he was tempting Butters, but he couldn't help himself. "This is like… an oasis in the desert of missionary work, man. Just be yourself."
And then Butters looked up directly into Kenny's eyes, his hands pressing themselves into each other at his chest. "But I've never had this before. My life has always been like this. I don't know what to do."
Kenny's heart went out to Butters in that moment. He knew his parents kept him sheltered but he hadn't realized just how much. Kenny had a few friends he fucked around with back at school who didn't seem to care he was stuck in an uptight religion. It seemed Tweek was in the same boat so he could relate. This wasn't that different than what he used to do, the only difference was that now he had an outside obligation that prevented him from having any fun.
"It's not so bad, Leo. Don't think too much about it and you'll fit right in." Kenny gave Butters a friendly pat on the shoulder and Butters reached up to hold Kenny's hand there, thumb ever so lightly brushing against his skin.
"I'll do my best."
"That's the spirit," Kenny said, pulling his hand away with a thick swallow.
When they went back to the room it was Butters who spoke up first. "Well, hey, fellas. I'm awful sorry about that. We just had to deal with some business. What kind of game is Wild Breath?"
"It's Breath of the Wild," Token corrected. "It's a Zelda game."
Butters stared.
"You've never heard of The Legend of Zelda?"
Butters began to turn a bright red and Kenny knew it was because he didn't want to talk about the reason for that so he stepped in. "All the more reason to show him why it's so awesome." Kenny was more of a PlayStation guy himself but he could appreciate the appeal of the Switch. It was awesome and not at all what he could afford.
Token moved over to sit next to Clyde so that Kenny and Butters could have some room on the couch. Tweek was seated on the floor next to Craig, their shoulders touching to the point that Kenny could tell Tweek was unnecessarily leaning onto Craig. He found himself staring at the action—so small and almost unnoticeable and yet he couldn't tear his eyes away from it. A sort of yearning began to pool in his stomach, and he glanced sidelong at Butters whose eyes hadn't budged from the television screen.
After Craig died for the umpteenth time, he angrily switched off the game. "When I play too long my eyes start to hurt," he complained.
"Excuses!" Clyde exclaimed, aiming one of Tweek's stuffed animals—a dolphin—at Craig's head.
Suddenly the doorbell rang and Craig grinned. Kenny was suddenly aware of it being the first time he saw Craig genuinely smile. "Nah, it was my sixth sense. Pizza's here."
Without him even needing to ask, Craig took the money from Tweek and left to go pay which led Kenny to wonder just how often this happened. Tweek carefully put away the controllers for the Switch and grabbed a remote, switching the TV to another HDMI input. By the time Craig came back with the pizzas, Tweek was putting in a DVD.
The smell of the pizzas hit Kenny like a Mack truck. He hadn't smelled something so heavenly in what felt like years. It was all he could do not to rip a box from Craig's hands and devour it whole, cardboard and all. He looked to Butters. "Aren't you glad we stayed, now?"
"Pizza…" Butters answered, clearly salivating.
"Careful, your pizza boner is showing."
"K-Kenny!"
Kenny just laughed, mentally giving himself a point for making Butters blush again.
"Hope you like bacon and sausage," Tweek said, opening a box. "I didn't know what you liked so I panicked when I ordered online. Argh! I'm sorry if you hate it!"
"No, no! It smells amazing. I love any kind of pizza, promise." Kenny held up a hand to show how serious he was. Craig granted him with a slice of his own and Kenny brought it to his nose for a decadent sniff before finally taking a glorious bite.
It was like he'd died and gone to ten different Celestial Kingdoms. The Plan of Salvation had nothing on the taste of a good Italian sausage.
"So…. Good," Kenny moaned, leaning back on the bed until his back hit the wall. He stayed like that a moment, eyes closed, chewing happily. He could feel movement and then Butters was next to him and seated the same way.
"Damn," Clyde whistled. "I had no idea you guys were going to have an orgasm over pizza."
Kenny opened his eyes and laughed. Butters stammered.
"My O-face looks way better than this," Kenny teased, feeling months of pent up Kenny-ness coming out all at once. "Too bad you'll never get to see it."
"Oh my god," Clyde chuckled. "You're seriously the best missionary I've ever met. Or the worst."
"Oh, I'm definitely the worst."
Token was just finishing up his piece of pizza and was about to take a second. "So why did you guys decide to become one if it sucks so bad?"
"Uh," Kenny began. He'd been blind-sided by the million-dollar question. He had to think of something that would make sense and fast. Frantically his eyes searched the room for ideas and that's when he spotted Tweek and Craig. Tweek had a bit of tomato sauce on his chin and Craig casually swiped it away with his thumb before licking it off the digit. Again, the move was so fluid and natural that Kenny had to stare all over again. Maybe the truth was best. "I had a crush on a friend in seminary and thought we would be paired together."
Clyde, Token and Craig burst into laughter. Tweek looked at him with wide eyes and Butters made a small gasp beside him.
Kenny shrugged. "Bit of a shock when I found out we were going to be separated by thousands of miles, but I'm over it. Now I stay for all the perks." The heavy sarcasm in his voice was clearly evident.
"You really are the worst missionary," Token said when his laughter subsided.
"But Leo here is the best," Kenny said, nudging Butters. "And he has to put up with my lame ass day in and day out. I'm surprised he hasn't requested a transfer."
Butters squeaked beside him. "Well that's because we're friends."
Kenny turned to Butters and there was a spot of tomato sauce on his chin. What he wouldn't give to mirror Tweek and Craig and get rid of it with his thumb. "I'm holding you back and we both know it," Kenny said softly.
"You're not holding me back," Butters replied. "I want you for a mission partner, no one else."
"Even if I got into this mess for all the wrong reasons?"
Butters was quiet for a half a second before he looked up at Kenny. "Are you in it for all the right reasons now?"
Kenny paused and met Butters' eyes. He traced the aquamarine over with his own. His chest soared for this precious, innocent boy who cried when he finished the cereal first and thought being best friends gave him hand-holding rights, who let the top of his hair grow beyond recommended missionary length until Kenny felt he was sticking it to the President of the Church without even realizing it, who double-knotted his shoes and sang while he showered, who made Kenny feel like he'd developed a savior complex because he wanted to don a cape and fight all of Butters' demons for him.
"No," Kenny answered truthfully. "No, I'm not."
Pink flowed across Butter's cheeks until it reached his ears and he averted his gaze. "O-oh…"
The room was quiet until Clyde whispered, "Gaaaaaay." He was promptly shoved against the headboard by Token.
Tweek was silent as he looked between Kenny and Butters. Slowly, his features changed as a smile developed—small at first, and then meaningful. It was to his credit that he didn't say anything except, "Does anyone want to watch Spider-Man: Homecoming?" The decision was unanimous and as the DVD began to play, everyone settled in with their pizza and promptly forgot all about what just happened.
Everyone, it seemed, except for Kenny, who was now very aware of every movement Butters made, even the way he breathed. It seemed like the others had already seen this movie and had taken it upon themselves to comment on every interaction but it was new to Kenny so it was easy to push the proximity of Butters aside in favor of Tom Holland and Zendaya, at least for a little bit.
They had way too many slices of pizza between them. Kenny was so starved for the taste that he even ate the crust. By the middle of the movie he was bloated and comfortable, head leaning against the wall and feeling content. A moment of sheer comedy caused the whole room to laugh at the movie and instinctively Kenny turned to Butters to laugh with him only to find Butters already looking at him. They exchanged a smile and just as Kenny turned back to the movie, he felt the tiniest brush against his hand as Butters linked their pinky fingers together.
This was different than they way they held hands before, palms cupped against each other as Butters pulled him down the sidewalk, or when they looped arms when they had to stand on the bus because Butters claimed he was afraid they would separate. The surface area was so much less but somehow it felt more intimate and private. Their hands were at their sides, hidden from view of the others. Kenny tightened his pinky around Butters' and chanced a look in his direction.
Butters was looking at the television screen intently, a serious look on his face. Kenny wondered if he was even watching the movie at all. Gears, practically visible, turned in Butters' head.
Their hands stayed like that for the entirety of the movie, even though Kenny's own hand began to feel clammy and warm between them, he refused to pull it away until the lights came back on.
"My parents should be home soon," Tweek announced, glancing at his phone. "Can someone take home a pizza box and all the coffee cups? I don't want my parents seeing it all."
"No prob, man," Token said, already grabbing a box. There were a few pieces left over and Kenny wanted desperately to take them home with him.
Kenny got up and stretched, already feeling cold and awkward without his hand looped with Butters. It seemed his mission partner didn't want to look at him which only made things worse. Kenny sighed and looked at the mission phone for the time. "Oh… man, yeah, we gotta go before we miss the last bus."
"Dude, I'll take you home," Token chimed in. "It's much faster than a bus anyway."
"Thanks, man," Kenny said appreciatively. "You don't have to."
"You guys are cool. It's no big deal."
Clyde snickered. "He only wants to show off his car. His parents are loaded."
Token rolled his eyes. "Ha ha. I don't always have to have an ulterior motive. Besides, you like riding in that car, too."
Clyde snapped his fingers and pointed at Token. "You bet your ass I do. I call shotgun."
Together Clyde and Token picked up the coffee and pizza trash and made their way for the door. Kenny was about to follow them with Butters when Tweek stopped them a moment. "If… if you ever want a chance to be yourselves or um… to just be you…" His eyes moved back and forth between Kenny and Butters with a knowing look. "You can always come here. I'll cover for you."
"Yeah," Craig chimed in. "If there's one thing Tweek can do well, it's act."
"Only one thing, Craig?"
"Sorry, babe, two things. You make a mean cupcake."
Tweek laughed at that and pretended to kick Craig in the shin with his foot. He must not have even caught the pet name because he didn't even acknowledge it. The thought that had been festering in the back of Kenny's mind all night came to the surface, now. There was no doubt about it. Craig didn't just come to Tweek's house during family nights because they were best friends. There was something more, here, and Craig supported Tweek no matter what. It made Kenny incredibly envious.
It was Butters who acknowledged the elephant in the room. "But Tweek… if you do all of these things behind your parents' backs… don't you feel, you know… iwrong/i?"
Tweek shook his head. "I did at first. But when I found out that the only time I'm calm is on nights like this… then maybe Heavenly Father is trying to tell me something."
"Like what?" Butters was eating up Tweek's words.
"That maybe Joseph Smith made up a bunch of stuff to control people and the real Heavenly Father would want us to be happy. Not trapped. When I move out I'll tell my parents. But not while I still depend on them."
Butters remained quiet after that. Kenny just gave a low whistle and said, "Daaaang." Tweek's philosophy made the most sense out of everyone he'd ever met. There were pieces to the doctrine that Kenny wanted to be true, but it was all the stuff in between that made him angry. Like how the Pearl of Great Price and the Doctrine and Covenants outlined all kinds of rules Joseph Smith said the Lord relayed to him after he was shown the golden plates. He believed the Book of Mormon to be true because there was no way a guy with a 6th grade education and three months could have written that entire book just by speaking it out loud in translation. But that was it. There were extra books to the Bible… not a whole new set of rules like a second Leviticus. It was just as bad as the Catholic Dogma—man creating rules to suit the needs of the time.
Tweek was so much more aware than Kenny realized. Maybe he didn't become a missionary because he refused and not because of his health. He saw the world in a way Kenny should have.
It was a lot to think about.
Kenny and Butters were both quiet at first on the ride home, with Kenny joining in Token and Clyde's conversation only when prompted. He learned that the two of them had been friends with Tweek and Craig for a long time and that they vowed to stick by Tweek's side when his parents suddenly converted. Only now they called themselves distributers of Mormon contraband considering they were the only way Tweek could get his coffee fix. They were veterans at corruption and if Kenny or Butters needed them to get anything for them, just to let them know.
As much as Kenny would have liked a television with cable, he settled with getting some updated comic books and Butters, much to Kenny's surprise, demanded a book he'd always wanted to read—and it had nothing to do with the doctrine. Kenny was proud of him.
"Books?" Clyde asked after he'd put the notes into his phone. "That's so fuckin' lame, man."
"It's the little things I miss most," Kenny said by way of explanation. "That and books are easier to hide."
"Dude, it's like iFahrenheit 451/i," Token said which caused the rest of the car to groan.
By the time Token pulled up to the apartment it was like the four of them had been friends this whole time. Token and Clyde made life bearable for a few hours and for that Kenny was incredibly thankful. They promised to have the contraband to them as soon as possible and as they waved the two boys off, Kenny and Butters found themselves finally alone in front of the apartment building holding a pizza box filled with leftovers.
Not wanting to make things awkward, Kenny turned to go inside. "I liked those guys," he said, clearing the air of any weird conversation. "They're cool."
"Yeah…" Butters agreed. "I mean they made fun of everyone a lot but it didn't feel awful at all."
"You used to getting made fun of or something?" Kenny asked, an eyebrow raising as he opened the door for Butters.
"You always make it sound like my life was so awful."
"No offense but it kind of sounds like it. Who the hell would make fun of you? You're like, the nicest dude I know. And you're adorable. And the best part is that you don't even know it."
"I mean… well… it has gotten a lot better lately."
"See?" Kenny nudged him, now getting the keys to their apartment as they walked through the halls. "High School is totally the worst. Everyone kind of grows up afterward. But now you have me… and Tweek and Craig and the others. We'll still keep in touch after this is all over and we go back home. I promise."
"Oh, I hadn't thought about that…" Butter said quietly. "About going home and never seeing you again."
"S'why we gotta live in the present," Kenny pointed out. "Or else we'll look back and remind ourselves of all the stuff we didn't do. Like, imagine we didn't stay at Tweek's house and went home instead. We wouldn't have had the chance to gorge ourselves on pizza or get caught up on Spider-man. I wouldn't have been able to hear you genuinely laugh. We would have been stuck on a bus, bored out of our minds. Now we have a story to tell."
"Tonight iwas/i some of the most fun I've had all mission," Butters admitted once they were back in the safety of their own apartment. He took off his shoes and set the pizza box down on the counter. "I thought about what Tweek said… about being miserable and I've been thinking that Heavenly Father should want his children to be happy so long as we're not hurting anyone. I want to be happy, Kenny. I really do."
"Then be happy!" Kenny exclaimed, his arms raising themselves into the air to indicate the importance of his statement. "You're technically an adult, now. You should be in charge of your own happiness." Really, Kenny should be taking his own advice, but he wasn't going to get into that at the moment. "What do you want to do? What would make you happy?"
"Well," Butters began. He pressed his fingers together in front of his chest again and looked down at them as he fidgeted. "You make me happy."
The words flew around Kenny's head like those cartoon birds and stars until they settled into his hair and into his skull and into his soul. He wanted them to have all the weight in the world pressed into them until he was squashed into the ground and wouldn't get up again until more words pulled him up and out of the ground and into the sun. "If I make you happy… then why aren't you?"
Butters stared at his shoes and didn't answer his question. "Kenny… you said today that you were staying here for all the wrong reasons, right?"
"I remember."
"What are those reasons? Can I ask?"
Kenny swallowed thickly and could feel his ears getting hot. When he had longer hair he could just hide behind it, but now he felt raw and exposed. "I'm staying for someone."
"For your parents?"
Kenny shook his head. "More selfish than that."
"What if my happiness and your reason for staying are the same thing?"
Kenny knew exactly what Butters was saying in that moment but he needed clarification, something to tell him that he wasn't imagining the moment and he would wake up any second in his room as his alarm went off for another day knocking on doors. "What are you saying?"
"I…" And then Butters broke, shaking his head as his voice cracked. He pushed past Kenny. "Nevermind. It's so silly. I reckon it's the silliest thing I've ever thought of. I should go to bed. It's late." His words poured out of him as he stalked across the apartment to his room and shut the door without so much as a goodnight. Kenny was left staring at it, dumbfounded.
He figured he should have been upset that Butters didn't want to talk about it. He figured he should at least try to go after him and clear the air between them. But Kenny did none of that. Instead, a huge smile wound its way across his face and he did a silent dance in the kitchen. Butters was being so incredibly obvious that Kenny had to pinch himself. The pinky holding, the longing glances, the quiet nights…. Butters was having a crisis and unlike Kenny, he couldn't admit it to himself.
As Kenny opened the fridge and put the pizza box inside, the grin never left his face. Oh, this changed everything. Before he felt like he had to hold back for Butters' sake and keep their relationship platonic, but now that Kenny knew he had even the slightest chance, he was going to jump all over it like a kid in a snow drift.
The game was on.