The first week Tony was home Ziva had taken off work to make sure he was made comfortable and adjusted to the new house. She also took that week to really show him how much she loved him and to make up for lost time in the bedroom. The hardest day for Tony was a week later when Ziva went back to work full time. Knowing full well that Tony couldn't take care of Katie by himself, she took Katie to work with her and would drop her off at the NCIS daycare.
"How is Tony adjusting to being home?" McGee asked when Ziva walked into the bullpen, sitting her bag down beside her desk.
"Fairly well. He was comfortable on the couch watching his movies. He is frustrated with having to read subtitles now." Ziva explained.
"Oh I can just about imagine. Tony always did love his movies." McGee said.
The two looked over at the empty desk that they both knew would never be filled again. The fact that Tony was alive was great, but for him to never be able to come back to work hurt. He had trained them both, and now he was the one that needed the help.
Tony had never felt more alone in his life. With his wife back at work and his daughter at daycare, he was alone in his thoughts. He felt like any place would be better than to be alone in his thoughts. He got up off the couch and made his way to the kitchen. He found several bottles of scotch that he had from his old apartment. As he sipped the scotch, he began to think on his life and spoke out loud.
"I lost my career and for what? For trying to protect my friend and my wife? It's not fair. Why can they still work and I can't? I'm the one that taught them. I was the one that instilled in them everything they know. So why me? Why do I have to be the one that can't walk good and looks like a monster. I can't hear my own daughter when she cries. And Ziva, why is she still married to me? I am not the man she fell in love with. That man died out on the hillside the day of the explosion. I don't know who I am anymore."
As Tony let his depression run away with itself he continued to drink. After 3 glasses, he decided to stop and lay down on the couch. That evening he had no idea when Ziva came home from work. She made dinner before waking him up. She knew he had to be exhausted. This past week had taken a lot out of him. Once dinner was ready she helped him to the table. He was in a bit of a mood but Ziva had no idea why. As Tony tried to eat he looked at his silverware. It was special made for people with disabilities. 'why do I have to be the different one' he thought.
He finally had to get it off his chest to Ziva.
"It's not fair Zee." Tony said.
What's not fair? Ziva asked in sign language.
"You can go back to work while all I can do is sit in the living room and watch James Bond all day. Hell I can't even hear it."
There's still a chance you can go back to work. We have to see what the director says.
"It's not only that Zee. How can you still want to be married to a guy as lame as me? Hmm? I can't walk without a walker, I can't hear, hell I can't even feed myself expect with special silverware."
None of that matters to me Tony. All that matters is that I love you and I am in love with you.
That brought a smile to Tony's face. But it still didn't help his depression.
2 months later the official word from the director came. Tony could not return to NCIS as a field agent due to his disability. The director offered him a desk job, but Tony declined. All he had ever none was being out in the field. Even when he was a cop he was out there on the front lines. He couldn't just sit behind a desk and watch as Ziva, McGee and Gibbs got to go out and work crime scenes. He had depression before but this made it even worse. He started to feel sorry for himself. Rather than getting help, he started self-medicating himself with more and more alcohol.
Ziva had left in a hurry that morning. She was exhausted. Katie had kept her up all night long. Little Katie was 7 months old and was cutting teeth. She had spent the night in the nursery rocking Katie hoping they could both get some sleep. That morning she hurried and got dressed, got Katie around, helped Tony get dressed, made him breakfast and was out the door before 7:30. Again another day and another empty house. Tony knew he really wasn't supposed to be drinking but today was one of the days that he was at an all time low. He had gotten the word the day before that he couldn't return as a field agent. Ziva had tried to comfort him about it which helped a lot. But now that she was gone to work, the job that he loved so much, his depression really set in. He walked into the kitchen with his walker and placed a small glass cup, and two bottles of scotch in a pouch Abby had made for his walker so he could carry stuff around with him without the fear of trying to carry stuff with his arms and losing his balance. He sat the scotch on the coffee table and put his dvd of 'Goldfinger' in. From there he proceeded to drink. After the first glass was gone, he went for a second until a whole bottle was gone and he had started in on the second. He didn't want Ziva to know he was trying to drink his problems away. He hid the empty bottle behind a couch pillow. While drinking on the second bottle it felt like the scotch was going straight through him. He hid the second bottle and went to the bathroom. The alcohol was starting to set in really good and he felt dizzy. Tony was a huge fall risk to begin with, but add being drunk and exhausted, it was not a good combination. As he was coming out of the bathroom heading back for the living room, Tony lost his balance. He tried to steady himself but the walker fell out from underneath him. He felt his side hit the wall before smacking his head on the wood floor of their hallway. As he laid their darkness fell over him. He couldn't tell if it was from being drunk or if he was dying, all he knew is he wanted to give in to the darkness. 'Maybe the darkness will treat me better than life has.' Tony thought.
It had been a slow day at work. Gibbs had told Ziva she could go home earlier since he knew some of the things that had been going on at home. When Ziva arrived home she had Katie in her car seat. The poor little thing slept all the way home and she couldn't think of getting her out and waking her up so she left her in the car seat and carried her inside the house. Ziva could feel something was wrong once she entered the house. Normally Tony would be in the living room around this time watching tv. As she walked into the living room she found that his DVD of 'Goldfinger' was back on the main menu screen. This really got Ziva worried. Tony would never leave a DVD like that. As she worked her way through the house she didn't find him in the kitchen. Then she started down the long hallway to their bedroom. There she found Tony. He was lying face down on the hardwood floor, his walker was in front of him and it was apparent he had fell. How long had he been here? She rolled him over to make sure he was still breathing. His breathing was slow and his pulse raced against her fingers. She tried to wake him but he was unresponsive. Ziva called an ambulance for fear of a concussion or bleeding on the brain. 'oh god, what if he had a stroke and I wasn't here to help him?"
After the dispatcher told her that help was on the way she called Gibbs.
"Yeah Gibbs" the older agent answered.
"Gibbs, please come over to the house. It's Tony." Ziva said as she panicked.
"What's going on Zee?" Gibbs demanded.
"I don't know. I came home and found him unresponsive in the hallway coming out of the bathroom. Please hurry!"
Gibbs went rushing over to the DiNozzo house while McGee and Abby were not far behind. Abby would watch Katie while the others went to the hospital with Tony. She hoped it wasn't anything serious. The paramedics were doing their assessment and loading Tony onto a stretcher when Gibbs arrived. He took Ziva into his arms.
"I can't do this again Gibbs. I almost lost him once, I can't lose him now." Ziva cried.
Gibbs ran his hand through her hair. "It's ok Zee, he's going to be fine." The words came out of Gibbs mouth like they were foreign even to him. He hoped Tony would be ok, but he wasn't sure himself. He looked at his former agent as they wheeled him out to the ambulance. He was pale and his breathing shallow. 'Why does DiNozzo always have to get himself into these types of situations.' Gibbs thought.
What will happen when Ziva finds out the truth about what happened? New chapter up soon! Please review!