It was a nerve-racking experience. Kirk rung the bell at the main entranceway of a Starfleet apartment complex for families, hoping that Alyssa would answer and ignore the summoning all at once. When she did buzz up from her apartment and allowed him inside to the secured lobby, he waited until she came to fetch him in the foyer. They then took the lift up a few floors and landed on hers in silence. She unlocked her door and motioned him in first as it whooshed aside.
It was a pleasant and comfortable lodging. The first space they approached, the living room, was opened up by the large bay window lighted with exotic plants and numerous places where items of comfort laid, whether it was old books or knick-knacks on shelves. The dimming lights from San Francisco Bay illuminated in such a way that colors skipped from one corner to another. A quick peek saw that to one side was Alyssa's office, followed by a narrow hallway inside that room that led to the occupants bedrooms.
Delicious smells from the nearby kitchen made it more welcoming, beckoning Kirk to come closer without Alyssa telling him to. He stepped forward boldly to feel at home, finding a seat on the couch next to McCoy as Alyssa excused herself. The doctor, who also had been invited, was highly amused by Kirk's obvious surprise. He waited until everyone was out of earshot before speaking.
"That dragon will be the death of me," McCoy announced.
Kirk raised an eyebrow. "How so?"
"House calls," he replied. "Demanding, demeaning…"
"For who?"
"Alyssa. Who else?"
"What's the matter?"
"Well, apparently, she went out on an adventure with a certain admiral and over exerted herself."
"I wonder how that happened."
"Yeah, I do too." The doctor's sarcasm was thick.
"Did Alyssa tell you why we were incognito?" Kirk inquired. He hoped that she did not gloss over the important details.
"Something to do with the Thyrians. She wasn't too specific."
Even though McCoy could be trusted, Kirk had to think of what to say without tipping anyone else off. He was unsure if Alyssa had extra security in her building and someone was listening somewhere outside in the hallway. "I did some…digging…and found a few clues about our visitors."
"And you two had to investigate out of town?" McCoy was not happy to hear that his instructions to Alyssa had been totally ignored.
"She volunteered herself," Kirk offered.
"More like you told her to jump and she asked how high," the doctor spat out tartly.
"Risks of the trade. What can I say?"
"Jim, this is Alyssa's life we're talking about here. Don't be such a callous prick."
"Spare me your lectures, Bones We all have our assigned duties and one of them means ensuring the safety of those in this meeting. Alyssa knows this as well as I do."
McCoy mumbled under his breath about Starfleet not listening and higher-ranked officers doing their bidding. He then went into old flames and how they should be kept that way – extinguished and burnt to a crisp. He made it clear as well that he was not pleased about Kirk dragging Alyssa around. He knew what dangers she faced. Already, he saw that she was approaching another stage of her disease. It won't be long before she dove into it.
Kirk discounted the talk from McCoy, chalking it up with being protective of the woman they both cared for. Instead, his attention went to the music that came from the nearby kitchen. He heard laughter surround it, wrapping the sentiment with love, and had to check it out himself. He got up and followed the noise, disregarding McCoy's sudden advice to stay out of the way.
Alyssa was sitting in the dining room off the kitchen as Magda stood and cooked. She had been talking with the nursemaid, the two of them joking about something, but had stopped when the admiral entered. Magda continued her chores in silence while Alyssa stood up shakily from her chair. He immediately saw her need for help, taking her into his arms for a slow dance.
Love, I get so lost sometimes.
Days pass and this
Emptiness fills my heart.
When I want to run away,
I drive off in my car.
But whichever way I go,
I come back to the place you are.
All my instincts, they return.
And the grand façade,
So soon will burn…
Without a noise, without my pride,
I reach out from the inside…
In your eyes, the light, the heat.
In your eyes, I am complete.
In your eyes, I see the doorway
Of a thousand churches.
In your eyes, the resolution
Of all the fruitless searches.
In your eyes, I see the light
And the heat (in your eyes).
Oh, I want to be that complete.
I want to touch the light,
The heat I see in your eyes…
It took all of their strength to not show their bubbling feelings, not to share a kiss or another embrace. It was enough to touch each other and not want to do more. When the song ended, Kirk guided Alyssa back to her seat and parted immediately, thanking her for the honor. When her pale face smiled in appreciation, he returned it with one of his own. He retreated without another word back to the living room.
McCoy was grouchier than ever. "What the hell are you doing?" he hissed. "I thought you two lovebirds were staying away from each other."
"Memories," Kirk replied. "It was…a wonderful night."
"The beginning of the end, you mean?"
"No, no. I achieved my goal that night. I would consider it to be the start of something better."
McCoy snorted. "Love is a fickle feeling. You cannot rely on it forever."
"But it's always there for us to grasp for fleeting moments."
"For a short time, yes. Don't be a fool again, Jim. Alyssa isn't going to live forever. There's a chance she could die soon. Why love again when it could be snatched away?"
Kirk sighed. "She's here now. I think anybody who cherishes for her has to take advantage of the time left to her."
An awkward silence remained and their attentions went elsewhere. The two watched the action in the kitchen and waited anxiously for their food (McCoy joked at one point that Magda was vengeful enough that their dinner would be poisoned). During that time, the women talked of trivial things and Alyssa had to yell at Ali a few times to do some schoolwork. When the child decided to sneak out of her bedroom one last instance, she headed to the living room, startled to see the two men preoccupied until her appearance. She hid it well though, smiling like her mother.
She greeted them cordially, but her eyes were on Kirk. "You're very close to my mother," she observed.
"I told you that I knew her for several years," he responded. The girl was picking on him again and that made him nervous since the truth was in front of them unspoken.
"Close friends don't dance to a love song," Ali insisted. She was teasing.
"They do if they care for each other," Kirk said.
"How much do you care for Mom?"
"Like many people, very much so. In recent years, it's been difficult to communicate."
"Where did you go earlier? I saw you and Mom come in without uniforms."
Kirk froze, an action that even made McCoy laugh out loud. The admiral thought fast. "We had to look into some things," the admiral coolly stated. "It regarded the recent conference."
"Is that why she's so tired?"
"Yes," McCoy interjected. He wanted Ali gone before she unearthed more information than what was necessary. "Don't you have someplace else you need to be?"
"It's just schoolwork," Ali complained. "It's so boring."
"Ali!" Alyssa's sharp tone echoed from the dining room. "Get back in here!"
"Oops," the girl slipped, rushing away. It saved the pair from replying to questions they did not feel qualified to answer.
McCoy looked at Kirk again as Magda entered with drinks. "So, tell me how special this night was?"
The admiral shrugged his shoulders, taking the proffered glass. He waited until Magda left before speaking. "Very much. I didn't see that brick wall hit me though."
~00~
Love, I don't like
To see so much pain,
So much wasted, and this
Moment keeps slipping away.
I get so tired of working,
So hard for our survival.
I look to the time with you,
To keep me awake and alive.
All my instincts, they return.
And the grand façade,
So soon will burn…
Without a noise, without my pride,
I reach out from the inside…
In your eyes, the light, the heat.
In your eyes, I am complete.
In your eyes, I see the doorway
Of a thousand churches.
In your eyes, the resolution
Of all the fruitless searches.
In your eyes, I see the light
And the heat (in your eyes).
Oh, I want to be that complete.
I want to touch the light,
The heat I see in your eyes…
Alyssa had been holding onto a dish of some sort for dinner, suspended in her thickly-gloved hands. She kept hugging it, using it as a way to keep anchored and her concentration elsewhere other than this new electric shock. However, she could not help it. She stared at the admiral with her mouth opened.
She did not expect him so soon. It had been a difficult day for her. The security officer was so bored ordering her men around that she decided that her much-missed domestic chores were a way to keep her from screaming. She felt more alive, using her small store of energy she had to cook a meal before Magda overwhelmed herself. More than ever before, Alyssa blamed herself for the workload the nursemaid took on. Magda's job was to homeschool Ryder, but taking on the whole household these days was huge and greatly appreciated.
Magda had taken Ryder out for his lessons today and she had been alone for the afternoon…or so she had hoped. Kirk here so early? What a surprise that had been. It was a monkey wrench, but she could handle it.Honestly though, Alyssa did not have any more strength to entertain guests. She was also utterly taken aback by the friendliness the admiral again portrayed, his smile a ray of sunshine in this dark time. He did not mind that she was in the casual state, dress and all.
Alyssa controlled her shock and smiled, forced and very fake. After ordering the computer to pause her music, she greeted him carefully, inquiring about his day. He answered with the usual cordialness, stating that he just returned from the chancellor's lunch date and had a pleasant conversation with her. All the while, he was studying her with the utmost courtesy and curiosity. That much was obvious to Alyssa.
She had to interrupt the scrutiny. "Admiral, is there any way I can help you?"
"How about putting that down?" Kirk indicated the food.
Alyssa had not realized that she again had the full dish in her hands. "Oh. Yes. Well, I was – I mean, I felt –"
"Commander, put it down. Let's talk."
"Yes, Sir."
There were the red tape once more. Without recognizing it, Kirk had lapsed into the typical addresses reserved between officers. It was no surprised since he had just returned from an important meeting. At the same time though, he had to curse himself. He was trying to make the women comfortable, not make his visit a burden to her. Already, she was a basket full of nerves trying to please him and to put on a good show. Being tended to by a ranking officer must have been embarrassing.
Alyssa obeyed him nonetheless, taking off her kitchen gear and following Kirk to her living room. They found seats on opposite ends of the room, an unconscious decision on both parts that made them think twice about speaking to the other. He made the first move, motioning his head to the casual atmosphere outside. Alyssa dared a peek and found nothing extraordinary to see.
"What do you mean by that, Sir?" she asked bluntly. "What or who is out there?"
"A world I was not aware was falling apart until now," Kirk clarified, regretting his silent and confusing beginning. "A world I did not think would hate us."
"I don't blame their resentment," Alyssa carefully said. "We are quite brutal."
"Now, it's my turn to ask what you mean."
"Starfleet has ordered us to keep order at all costs. That means that every instance of insurrection must be deal with swiftly and with any method possible. Too many threats had been made to other Federation planets by Synprilox."
"Is that why they've kept you here for so long? That you can control this better than any other?"
"Not only that, Admiral. It was an exile that I accepted, remember? What choice did I have? My son did not belong on a starship. That was already proven."
Kirk nodded. "Yes. I do recall."
"Besides, what choice did Synprilox have?" Alyssa challenged. She grew brazen and quite loud. "We ensured that the chancellor did not meet her death before her term ended. They needed protection, at this point from each other and the other planet that attacks them daily. We are facing a full-scale war, Admiral, and I am not only referring to civil war. It might not be now, but it's brewing and will come to a head soon. Your inspection tour is all just a farce, a circus show. It will do nothing to break this cycle of violence."
The bitterness of the blow took Kirk's breath away. It also reinforced his opinion about being used. Lori had made this out to be a routine visit. She said nothing about the political atmosphere, the hatred for Starfleet and the crumbling pieces that would soon shatter. It was possible that she did not know, he previously mused, but Kirk doubted it. Lori was knowledgeable. She would have taken every pawn on the chessboard and trapped the king into a corner.
In this case, it would be all of them. Nogura had tested Alyssa's mettle and won her a position in hell. Now, Lori was proposing preposterous suggestions and demanding reports on items Kirk had no idea about. What was clear was in front of him. There was an open door that showered them with a world full of knowledge that would break Synprilox apart. Doubt once more nagged at the admiral and questions filled him and emotions squashed him like a steamroller.
Lori…the jealous one, the woman who helped to promote me…why is she putting me in this position? Why is she testing me now? What good can I do on Synprilox now that I know how despised we are? Will everyone I know and love be put to the bar too?
"And you?" Kirk managed to spit out. He was still too shocked over Alyssa's words and the realizations that fell over him. "What about your career?"
"I do the best I can and all for the greater good," Alyssa replied. "My career is of no consequence when all of this is in danger. We know that it's the best that anyone can do."
An evasive answer, but a good one regardless. It aroused his suspicions, especially after what Lori had previously questioned. "When will your duty station change?"
"That is an inquiry I would have asked of you, Jim. I told you that this is an exile. I do intend to keep it until my work here is completed."
"Do you not like it here?"
Alyssa paused. Kirk shut the door to give them more privacy. He thought the gesture empty now. However, that did not matter much to him. It thrilled him to hear his name being stated by a woman who stood on the brink of disaster. She was so calm, he claimed to himself, and so secretive of her actions. Alyssa did not care that she was awarded. Her pathway to retirement was not in her book. Living so that the many could be helped…that was her goal.
But there was something else there too, a flicker in those hazel eyes that told Kirk a different story. Alyssa was conflicted about her personal and professional role. It was webbing together in such a way that one almost became the same. She was fighting within herself feelings that hurt and delighted her all at once.
The matter at hand required addressing though. "Oh, I do like it here," Alyssa finally said. "It can be very peaceful. I am used to its turbulent times too. It's just…"
"Just what, Alyssa?" Kirk heard the hesitation and motioned for her to continue.
Alyssa stood up, drawing closer to the admiral. She reached over to take his hands for comfort. "There's a timer. I don't know when it'll be set to zero, but I will. And I hope that you are never there to see it. I do not want you or anyone else to suffer."
And then, she was gone. The warmth left behind on Kirk's skin was somehow alien and alive all at once. Hearing her bustle in the kitchen was enough to keep him away though. This was step closer to his goal. Whether or not it resulted in something else was another concept for another day. What mattered most was that the two drew closer to the flames. One would be engulfed and the other would slowly die another death.
Lyrics are from the Peter Gabriel song "In Your Eyes".