McCoy made sure that Alyssa was resting comfortably before leaving her where Kirk deposited her. He thought that she had a lucky break this time. She was awake and aware of her surroundings, but declining fast. While it wasn't too smart to keep her away from Sickbay, it was best that she was with people close to her in a normal environment. Medication was no longer helping her. End of life care was close at hand.

Alyssa agreed with the doctor quietly. She opted to remain on the balcony of Kirk's apartment, where the admiral had called McCoy. She lounged on a chair, her feet elevated on an ottoman as she looked up at the night stars. The obvious topic remained taboo to the pair. For now, death was not something they needed to face as friends.

McCoy left her to her devices and went back inside, discouraged by her state and the slow end of their friendship. There, Kirk had been drinking at the fireplace when he noted the doctor's reentry. McCoy noted his pessimism and decided that it was not wise to play with Kirk's emotions. Not this time. It was to press salt into an old wound.

He joined the admiral instead, sitting in the opposite seat. "When will she learn?" he joked.

"Not until she's dead." Kirk took another sip of his drink. He believed the question dumb. "Can you tell me more about this radiation?"

"There's isn't much," McCoy admitted. He was tired of this topic too. "I told you what I knew years ago. I can say that there's millions more on Kelper III that have it worse than Alyssa does."

"I thought you studied it years ago?"

"Jim, I did, after Ali was born. This radiation is unlike anything anyone has ever heard of, medically speaking. First off, it's a slow, painful death. Any known treatments are not attacking the core problem. Normal radiation will be like the common cold and gradually worsen. Hair falling out, fatigue, vomiting…all that good stuff."

"But this began years ago. None of the victims showed any of those symptoms."

"That's because you haven't seen most of them at that stage yet. Most don't even have those signs. Some fall into the same patterns Alyssa has. That's the second mystery about this radiation. The end results are the same, but each person reacts differently and none of it humane. This is the work of barbarians, Jim."

Kirk nodded. He's heard this argument before. "What is the point of Thyria using this poison though? I understand why they would be angry with Synprilox. Attacking on Earth doesn't make sense unless they had specific targets."

"Well, do you remember when Synprilox joined the Federation?"

Kirk had to remember it for a moment, muddled with so much confliction. "We were the ones from Earth that brokered this deal after managing to quell their civil war. Nobody else on the Enterprise was privy to the details unless someone recalled a few being prisoners." He paused, wanting to change the discussion back to its origins. "Did you determine where the material to the radiation came from?"

McCoy snorted. "If I did, I'd have the cure by now. There's no way to isolate a sample. It moves too fast in the blood stream."

"What are we facing now?" The admiral pointed his head at Alyssa outside.

"Alyssa has reached an advanced stage in the disease," McCoy admitted quiet. He didn't want to tell Kirk the truth, but he owed the admiral that. "On Kepler III, there are patients who have lived as long as she has and that's because their exposure wasn't as extensive. Because Alyssa has been in the center of the action, Jim, she risked her own life. This is the result of it."

"She's closer to dying than the others, you mean."

"Jim, I said that each person reacts differently. I think Alyssa's stubbornness contributed to her living so long. But if she's where I think she is, then she's facing worse than the psychosis. She'll be delirious and have episodes where she'll think she's somewhere else, maybe a time where she was happy or there was trauma. She'll be irrational. You can't hold her here for long. She'll need to come back with me to Sickbay."

"It will be more mental than physical, you mean?"

"Not quite, Jim. This is just the beginning of the ending. You've seen the skin marks. Soon, her hair will fall out in chumps. Her core body temperature, which is dropping, will drive her to a coma. Only life support separates her…"

McCoy trailed. This wasn't just upsetting him, but Kirk as well. The truth was harder to bear than anything else. When it concerned Alyssa, they both had a soft spot for her. McCoy recalled her arrival on the ship and their friendship over the years. It sometimes was akin to a father/daughter relationship. Gods knew that Alyssa was as young and pigheaded as his ex-wife Joanna was years ago.

And then, there was Kirk and his charms. McCoy warned him to stay away, even before her transfer to Synprilox. He supposedly acted the gentleman when they initially went out on their own and learned about the upsetting corruption within Starfleet. Afterward was another story and one that he was forced to witness the aftermath of. It was an ending McCoy never wished though, admonition aside.

What Kirk was feeling right now was beyond McCoy's comprehension. The admiral had lost women before, mostly due to a bitter separation or, in recent history with Antonia, a decision to rejoin a career that he could not walk away from. He had never loved a woman and she was dying before his eyes. His glance over to the balcony was enough to tell McCoy that the feelings remained. This was no twilight romance.

McCoy almost lost it, swimming in his own misery. He reached for a drink and copied Kirk for a while, chatting about other issues within Starfleet until the clock struck midnight. By then, he excused himself to go home. Before departing, McCoy mentioned a few instructions for Alyssa.

The admiral dismissed everything McCoy said. Instead, he looked at his former flame and sighed, thinking. If she was incapable of taking care of Ryder and Ali and Magda could not return, he might have to do. He dismissed the thought and sought another way to escape. He saw Alyssa was distracted for the moment. Believing that she was fine alone for a few minutes, he moved to check on things next door with Riley.

The aide was awake and mildly surprised to see his superior. He reported that all was well and that the children were asleep. Ryder was slumped over a couch in Riley's living room. Ali had taken over a smaller sofa, posed in a sitting position and curled against a chair pillow. Both were coverless and shivering in the evening cold.

Riley noticed this too. He went to a closet and pulled out some blankets, all the while talking of retiring himself and muttering about mutinous siblings and his food supplies. While pulling off Ryder's boots, he draped coverlet over the junior officer. He absentmindedly handed the admiral another to put over Ali.

It was supposed to be an easy task. Kirk spread the cover over the small body and tucked in the loose corners. Touching Ali brought him someplace he didn't think existed though. It was a deep attachment, a tugging at his heart for the loss he and Alyssa had to sustain because of their decision to keep separated. He regretted it deeper than before. He was bitter that they could not have normal lives.

My daughter…

The two words alone almost brought him to his knees with grief and relief all at once. Kirk did not want to acknowledge that he missed so many years of this girl's life and also admitted that he was a father. He had to walk away and shake that feeling before it consumed him, worse than having to watch Alyssa die. Most certainly, he had to consult with Alyssa about it. Ali was coming to the point where she must have the truth. He could not hide it anymore.

Quickly finishing up and thanking Riley for his help, he returned to his apartment. When Kirk arrived, he saw that Alyssa had moved from balcony to the fireplace. She sat where McCoy had been, staring into the flames in an effort to be distracted from the current situation just he was did. Kirk came up from behind her and tapped her shoulder gently to avoid being swung at. Alyssa jerked up, but soon relaxed when she saw the admiral. He sat down next to her.

"Aren't you supposed to be resting?" Kirk asked jokingly.

Alyssa grimaced. "Don't treat me like an invalid, Jim. I can still take care of myself."

Kirk did not want to mention the illness directly. Instead, he focused on Ali. He had to get her off of his mind. "I think we both need to talk to Ali."

"Oh? About what?"

"Well, us. She's inquisitive enough to find out herself. I think we should prevent that from happening. Ali should hear the truth from us."

Alyssa understood completely and agreed. "In the morning, I think. Ryder is supposed to return to his ship and come back in the evening. We can take advantage of his absence and sit Ali down." She paused. "But there's something I have to give you too."

The way the security officer talked of this future discussion made Kirk wary. It was matter-of-factly, a moment she knew had to come about. It honestly made his skin crawl. It was with dread and necessity that they reveal this secret to a child more intelligent than her own good. That was a problem. This could be used against Ali and that filled Kirk with fear.

What bothered him worse was that Alyssa had plans of her own. All of those years and she still could not take from people. She had to give of herself, sacrifices made of not just a mother, but an officer and a gentleman. Kirk had to wonder why she would say this out of the blue and what she had to offer. When she fished through her pockets for something, he was careful to hide his surprise. Finally, she pulled out an old-fashioned key and put it in his hands.

"In my apartment bedroom, there's an old cedar box," Alyssa explained. "If something happened to me, find it, no matter what. Do not show anybody until the time is right. Promise me that."

The way the security officer begged made Kirk agree immediately. "What's in there?"

"Things I hope you don't have to see and hear again," she answered. Alyssa changed the topic. "Now, does your computer play any music?"

"Of course. Why?"

"I have another song I'd like you to listen to."

Kirk chuckled. He knew that Alyssa always had a song to play and most of them from the twentieth or twenty-first centuries. One she ordered the computer the tune, he put his drink down and offered a dance. She obliged and leaned into him. She was slow with her movements, but she kept up.

Once the world was new.
Our bodies felt the morning few
That greets the brand new day.
We couldn't tear ourselves away.
I wonder if you care.
I wonder if you still remember.
Once upon a time,
In your wildest dreams…

When the music plays,
When the words are
Touch with sorrow…
When the music plays,
I hear the sound I had to follow.
Once upon a time…

Just before the song ended, Alyssa grew tired and started losing her grip. Immediately, Kirk picked her up and carried her back to her seat with vigorous protests. He shushed her concerns with a kiss and sat down himself. They allowed the instrumental ending to fade out before facing each other. And then, everything from the last few days hit Kirk in the face.

It wasn't just seeing Alyssa become weaker in his arms or admitting that Ali was his daughter. Something else was bothering him. This conversation that dealt with death and the children was heavy, a burden he felt he was unworthy of shouldering. He was an absent father by mutual choice and now was thrust the role he was unfamiliar with. When Alyssa died, Ali and Ryder would have nobody left to care for them. Kirk was their only hope.

"Penny for your thoughts," Alyssa finally said after some silence. When Kirk did not answer, she touched his arm gently. "What are you thinking, Jim? Please tell me."

The admiral hesitated in telling her. After pouring himself another drink and downing more than half of it in one shot, he replied. "I'm afraid. I trust that we're doing the right thing for Ali and Ryder."

~00~

They had decided to spend the night in Alyssa's bedroom. It had taken Kirk some time to get there. Once he arrived though, he found a comforting welcome, with candles lit and Alyssa naked underneath a bathrobe. She locked the door behind them and they began to strip their remaining clothes slowly, exploring each other in a new way. Then, Kirk kissed her hard on the lips. He picked her up and carried her to the soft bed. He also blew out the candles, pinning her down in the darkness.

After some hours of bantering, they decided to sleep. It would have been a normal rest of the night had Alyssa had not woken Kirk up almost every hour, tossing and turning constantly. She fell asleep, but kept mumbling about escaping while "they had the time". Other instances, she whimpered or asked if it was safe to come out in a terrified tone. Towards dawn, she gripped her pillow so tightly that the admiral thought it was going to explode at the seams.

She woke up eventually, but did not get out of bed or release the headrest. Even when the pots and pans were banged together in an effort by Magda to rouse them from their slumbers, Alyssa ignored it. She rolled over and laid on her right side, staring out the window as the green sun rose and cast its rays through the curtains. She enjoyed herself on their initial mating. This mood seemed to be the opposite.

Kirk embraced her from behind. Alyssa tried pushing him away, but the admiral was stronger and soothed her with gentle ministrations. Even shushing her only managed to create more agitation. It wasn't about the sex. It was something else.

"What's wrong?" Kirk didn't mean to pry. He was growing tired of the silence.

"A nightmare," Alyssa replied quietly, honestly. "It was long before I met you."

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

"I remember bits and pieces of it. Ryder was just born. Kurt and I…we had just lost some of our closest friends. We saw them shot down like common criminals. They were killed in the rioting by police forces. After that, we had no choice. We had to leave our home and drive north."

That had explained most of Alyssa's agitated sleep. Kirk did not press the matter. He moved some hair from her face, tucking the strands behind her ear gently. He morphed the action into brushing her hair with his fingers, dangling the loose ends in a pile next to him. Alyssa appreciated the gesture, but was more anxious and fidgety. Eager to start her day, she reached for her hairbrush on her nightstand and handed it to the admiral.

For a moment, Kirk did not know what to do with it. He stared at the item. "Not doing it right?" he joked.

"In order to complete a task correctly, Admiral, you require the right tools. It's regulations" Alyssa broke free and sat up. "Besides, I don't need my hair on the bed."

Kirk took the hint. Sitting up too, he attempted the tame the black and white hair. With Alyssa moving so much, it was near to impossible. Impatient, he gave the brush back to the security officer and began dressing. Before leaving, he returned to Alyssa and kissed her one more time. She returned it eagerly, oddly clinging to him for a moment longer than she normally did.

"Tonight," Kirk said. He planted one more kiss on her forehead. "I promise."

His own guards would be looking for him soon. He had an appointment with the chancellor and the Freedom Riders within the hour. He did not want to be late. When he checked on Alyssa one last time, she remained stationary and unwilling for another kiss. The only movement was her cradling the hairbrush between her whitening digits.

There wasn't much else Kirk could do to placate her. He had no intention of breaking her from the trance. He had already seen how dangerous Alyssa was when she was left unguarded and distracted. He only had to recall a few weeks ago. One of his guards was almost flipped over her shoulder had Kirk not intervened in time.

It was a symptom of Synprilox, he reasoned, and one he was willing to find a cure for. It wasn't Alyssa's past that made her this cautious (although there were times when it bothered her too). It was a disease, a condition planted by a planet that challenged her daily. This morning was just the result of the burden placed on her shoulders compounded by a nightmare, nothing more.

Kirk decided to skip breakfast at the house and head straight to the palace. He mentioned it to Magda in the kitchen before calling his guards. He waved at Ryder at the island too. The child giggled and tried paying more heed to his eating.

Magda was glad to see his back. She whistled a happy tune when Kirk left the kitchen and calmed down. Just as Kirk left though, Ryder tried catching up. He was caught by his nurse, admonished about bothering the Starfleet officers. Ryder was quiet. The way the nursemaid spoke made it seem like it was death to follow three men out to the palace. It was harsh and rude.

Kirk sighed. He regretted having to leave the boy behind and resolved to spend some time with him later. He did not want to admit it yet, but he loved Ryder. It was a secret emotion he kept close to his heart. Work before pleasure, he reasoned. He couldn't just rush off to see Ryder and Alyssa anytime he wanted to. He had to maintain his domestic atmosphere quietly.

It was an uneventful walk to the palace. Kirk soon met the chancellor in the foyer and they joined the others for their morning meal. Although seated some distance away from Amelia, he noted that she was awfully silent during the event, mumbling her apologies and constantly calling over her counsel men to whisper something. Usually, their answers were not to her satisfaction and paled her further. Something was obviously going on.

Kirk wasn't one to pry. He waited for the appropriate time in which he could make an inquiry about the problem. If he could do anything to help the situation, he was more than willing to do any task. Most certainly, it would beat any diplomatic meeting. Kirk was up for some action.

Amelia saw this. She raised her hand to stop his questioning. "Admiral, I would suggest minding your own business this time."

"Was I that obvious?" He smiled.

"This is a local issue. Starfleet is slightly involved."

"What are they required for? What is going on?"

"Oh, there is some trouble with one of the units. Nothing more than a skirmish."

Kirk did not like the sound of it. "Are they under attack? Did they instigate anything with your people?"

The chancellor refused to answer and ended the discussion. Kirk decided that he would find out for himself. After breakfast and the following government meeting he hardly remembered, he rushed out. He beat his guards back to Alyssa's house, storming inside and searching for the family. He didn't find a soul, not even Magda and Ryder. When his guards caught up, he ordered them to repeat his actions.

Nervous, he abandoned them once more and went to the backyard, noticing Magda and Ryder. There was no sign of Alyssa. Kirk shook violently. He always had gut feelings. He never felt so much dread inside of him though. It churned like a stormy ocean, crashing against his stomach again and again.

Kirk grabbed Magda's arm. "Where's Alyssa?"

"Handling a situation outside of town," the nursemaid replied. Her eyes remained on Ryder climbing into the tree house. "The farmers were revolting. They saw the Starfleet officers and lost control."

Kirk did not have time to think. Springing to action, he ran in the opposite direction, through the house and out the door. He called out to his men behind him, but did not look back to see if they followed. All he cared about was the people involved. He understood why the farmers would rebel, with conditions and punishments so hard. With their hatred against the Federation and Starfleet, it was a deadly concoction. Innocents would be killed.

One of the points behind his inspection tour was to keep the peace. If he couldn't even help with that, what would this Synprilox being in Federation mean? How could the Federation hope to find peace with them too? There wouldn't be a planet left!

There was another alternative motive. Knowing that Alyssa was also out there prompted him forward. Kirk would never admit it to anyone that he loved her enough to die for her. He could not stand the thought of losing her. It would darken his life all the more if anything happened to her.

Lyrics are from the Moody Blues song "Your Wildest Dreams"