Maybe it was the silent trip to Sacramento or their mutual grief that spread a shorter gulf than before between the pair. The journey from San Francisco seemed more like a nightmare than a mission. Their hands remained clasped together in an effort to keep the other from running off. Their main focus had to be Jason Lattimer until it could shift to the missing. Business before the person, they knew. They easily detached from each other when they arrived at their destination.

From their stop, it was a short walk to the refugee office. Alyssa entered the building first and endured a retina scan. Kirk repeated, remaining close behind her in the eerie, cold corridors. Very few turned left or right and less taken by an inhabitant. Every five feet or so, there were doors that marked the occupants inside. Alyssa looked for the one that indicated that head of operations. Towards the end of the hallway on the left, she saw the title and rang the bell.

Kirk waited in breathless anticipation. The Starfleet run agency wasn't too well known and was rumored to be run by incompetent civilians, so small it was. The familiar red uniforms countered this proposal as the door opened and some minor workers milled around them, drawn to their entrance like butterflies to a flower. Alyssa took advantage of this, inquiring to a random secretary about the meeting for this morning and trying hard not to trip over the others that gawked over Kirk.

The worker nodded acknowledgement and pointed to a series of chairs nearby. She mentioned to Alyssa about a busy schedule and a new ship coming in with refugees from Calypso X. Ignoring this, Alyssa guided the admiral. The two sat down and waited for their turn.

Their stay stretched on in what seemed like forever. Kirk fought the urge to swing his legs, much as his nephews did when they were younger, and gripped the sides of his chair instead to avoid the embarrassment. Alyssa did the same, her eyes darting in suspicion to keep her boredom at bay. This was unfamiliar territory for her and she was wary anyway. She never trusted new places, especially ones that harbored questionable people.

After an hour, they were finally called. They rose together, following the same secretary into an inner office. They were instructed to sit down before the desk of Captain Ned Spaulding. He wasn't available at the moment they arrived, leaving the two more time to ponder their predicament. It drove them both mad. Alyssa was trying her hardest not to scream in frustration. Kirk was about to pull rank. It was ridiculous to have to wait for their appointment and be escorted to an empty promise. At the moment Alyssa and Kirk were going to act, Spaulding appeared and sat down.

"Admiral, Captain," he greeted with a respectful nod as if he had not kept them waiting for over an hour. "What can I do for you today?"

Alyssa bit her tongue to avoid swearing. "We are requesting sanctuary for a man who is a descendant of a Thyrian escapee," she explained calmly. "He currently resides in San Diego. We have reason to believe that his life is being threatened."

"How so?" Spaulding folded his manicured hands across his desk. "We have heard that the Thyrians are asking for Federation protection and opting for membership. They mean no harm to us."

Kirk jumped in. "They have mentioned in the negotiations that they are seeking imprisonment for this individual. Recent research of the planet has also turned up an isolationist and militaristic society that punishes those who do not conform. The sins of the parents reflect upon the children."

"I see, Admiral. Well, much as I'd like to help, we cannot at this time."

"Any reason why, Captain?"

Alyssa kept her temper in check quite well as she glared venomously at Spaulding. "I thought your department handles this sort of situation."

"It is," Spaulding confirmed, offended by the frosty atmosphere now. "Because of our own department changes, we currently do not have the manpower to cope with every hard case. At the moment, we are undergoing some departmental shake-ups and many of our agents have been…well, bagged, I should say."

"As head of Starfleet security, would I meet your qualifications?" Alyssa countered.

Kirk was amazed by her audacity. "Captain Elma, I don't think we should –"

"I'm not trying to stop on anyone's toes," she clarified, mostly for Kirk. A brief warning gaze fell on him. "If you cannot fulfill a request, would I be able to bring this person of interest in and hand him over to you for protection? I'm sure you have enough agents for that."

"Well, I – I mean, Captain Elma, that is unusual." Spaulding was surprised. "Your qualifications are more than enough. Are you aware of our procedures?"

"I would believe that they are similar to any other pick-up," Alyssa replied coolly. "I also would assume that anybody I recruit would be appropriate for the task."

Kirk wanted to protest vigorously. Alyssa was talking about doing the job herself? And in the condition she was in? It was unheard of. She previously had a close call with her illness and was almost in the last stages of the disease. However, the way she talked meant something else. She had a plan and wasn't telling Spaulding everything. She added that clause for a reason.

Spaulding confirmed this. "If you're able to bring this…half Thyrian…alive to us, we'll be more than happy to relocate him. We have the people to keep him in hiding."

Alyssa called the meeting to an end by standing. Kirk followed suit to show that he was still in charge. They bid Spaulding a farewell and expressed appreciative gestures for his help. When they were out of the office, Kirk pushed her into a nearby remote hallway and pinned her against the wall. He was angry and had enough of the secrecy. They were supposed to be a team. This addition could have discussed it before making an offer to Spaulding.

But that's the admiral in you, Jim. What happened to the captain?

"Demote me," Alyssa dared. She noticed the attitude and was in no mood for respect. "Transfer me. Report me. You've got the power to do what you want to. And I don't care what you do, Jim. You cannot expect them to push us around and leave us staring at a brick wall. We need to take action ourselves. Honestly, we cannot go there ourselves, but we have other means. Not everybody we know is on the Thyrians' hit list."

"Like who?" Kirk demanded. His tone did not calm. "The Thyrians are familiar with your men and mine."

"Not all of them," she revealed.

The admiral was now confused. "Who else do you know?"

"Well, you're acquainted with this individual too. He's still fairly young, made first officer of a ship in recently, has originated everything to Russia…"

"Chekov? He's not authorized. He doesn't have the clearance you do."

"Some things you aren't meant to know, Admiral. Some things are meant to be kept between a few parties."

Kirk thought that she was playing with him. "You're bluffing."

"Me? Bluff? No." Alyssa shook her head. "Chekov has been doing some undercover work since he and Sulu were acquitted of those crimes a few years ago. You know that he has been a chief security officer on a few ships. Besides, he owes me a favor."

He would have asked what the circumstances were, but declined to inquire as his arms slacked and Alyssa squirmed free. She began to head towards the exit, opening a communicator and reaching Chekov in seconds. She stated some sort of code, gave the address in San Diego, and closed the line before Chekov said anything. She looked back at Kirk and grinned. It was the first time that she truly masked her anguish since the morning shock. They had at least scored a victory.

Within the hour, they were back at Kirk's apartment. Immediately, the admiral checked for messages and updates. There had been no new developments in any sector, which left them both disappointed and antsy. The only thing they waited for was Chekov saying that he released their person of interest to the proper authorities. They had too much spare time on their hands and little in the way of distraction until Jason Lattimer arrived.

In the meantime, they would have to pretend to do normal activities to keep their minds preoccupied. After calling Cartwright in his office and finding no other details, Kirk decided to cook lunch since they both skipped breakfast. He was about to ask Alyssa if she was interested, but found her retreated on the balcony. Again, she was in the same seat, staring out into nothing.

He joined her, sitting behind her and stroking her black and white hair like he used to. It was funny how he even half-expected her to grab a hairbrush and instruct him to use it since shedding her hair was almost akin to a crime. But when Alyssa turned to face Kirk, it was like she wasn't in the present moment. The hazel eyes that Kirk used to practically swim in had a hue of discoloration to them, almost red and grey in some areas. He was startled especially when she started talking about some party later that night. She wasn't agitated, but she was anxious.

Alyssa mumbled a name – Kurt, her deceased husband. She was worried about her parents finding out about something trivial. Soon, she was responding in full sentences in between Kirk's shocked silence as if Kurt was in front of her instead of the admiral. Tears filled her eyes on occasion, childlike and innocent and perhaps a little trusting too. It was almost like Alyssa's old nightmares except it was being played out in front of him.

Kirk only listened in horror, feeling a visitor of a dream that he could not participate in. He wiped her face with his thumb and listened to her finish the rambling. He didn't try adding to the drama. There wasn't even a script he could follow and the wrong words would deem it worse. It was enough to revisit these old wounds.

Eventually, Alyssa stopped talking and stood up, knocking Kirk balance off completely. Blinking a few times transformed her eyes back to normal. She looked down at Kirk In horror and immediately helped him up, begging him silently to do something, anything, to stop her pain. He held her in his arms for comfort.

This was what Kirk had been warned about by McCoy. This was only the beginning of the end. Alyssa was nearing the last stages of her life.

"Can you – Jim, please, end this," Alyssa begged. Her voice was muffled against his chest. "End this before it gets worse."

"No." Kirk respected the right to die, but could not do it to Alyssa. He was adamant. "It's a mercy I cannot give you, Alyssa. If there was anything else I could do, you know I would."

She nodded. It was unfair of her to ask him. "I understand."

They did not mention the event or the suggestion again. Instead, Kirk led Alyssa inside for lunch. Half an hour later, they were eating in the same silence. Alyssa was more concerned and it wasn't because her children and Riley were missing. It had been over two hours since she talked with Chekov about picking up Jason Lattimer. Normally, she would have received a message back by now with positive results. Chekov was quick and effective.

Now, she doubted herself and Chekov. There was the possibility of trouble. The Thyrians could have gotten there first and Chekov could have dealt with the aftermath. However, Alyssa dashed that thought. Nobody would have had the ability to research all of her contacts in less than a week. She had too many that linked and circled back and not everyone was well known in Starfleet circles.

Just as she finished eating, her communicator chirped. She answered it carefully, especially when she noted Chekov's ID flashing. "Elma here."

"I have him," Chekov replied with glee. "In custody now."

Alyssa smiled. "Was there any trouble, Pavel?"

"None at all. He came quietly enough."

"Does he know anything yet?"

"It's not of my business, Alyssa."

That was their code for telling the other that they did not care because the job was done. Alyssa suppressed the urge to laugh hysterically and answer back in the same vein. Kirk stared at her in a curious manner though. He heard the good news and would want to move to San Diego as soon as possible.

Alyssa closed quickly. "Many thanks, Chekov. We'll talk later. Elma out."

Kirk didn't need to be told twice. Quickly, he gathered the dishes and placed them in the sink. Then, he and Alyssa were out the door. While she still did not speak of her sickness and the past incident on their way out, the admiral still worried. In the back of his mind, he thought that something was going to happen. It was a feeling he tried dispelling, but was unable to.

~00~

Alyssa protested that she did not require any help exiting the facility. Kirk ignored her, using all of his charms as he supported her to gain a ride back. He managed to get a social worker from the center to comply. While he managed to get the security officer outside, their assistant helped him lift Alyssa into the vehicle before taking the driver's seat up front. Kirk took the opposite seat from Alyssa. He was glad to be off.

On the way back, the two sat in silence. The admiral mulled over their conversation at the medical bay. He was confused about Alyssa's response. Although it was endearing (and somehow referenced something she knew from her past culture, he was sure), Kirk noticed that she always said that she knew that he loved her, but never replicated the same response. That made her all the more special and strange.

Towards the end of their trip, Alyssa finally spoke up. When they were just over the town lines, he had to endure her words of thanks and statements of how he shouldn't have done what he did. Alyssa cited how dangerous it was recently and how higher ranking officers were always the first to be picked off. She took care of herself, she added, and everyone involved had not been hurt badly, including herself. She only had a sprained ankle.

Kirk listened to her the same way he would a diplomat. He raised his hand for silence after a few minutes of the nonsense. "How would you have gotten home?"

"I always find a way." Alyssa's face was set stubbornly.

"Well, if you were in charge of me, how would you have taken care of myself and my party?"

"Again, Admiral, the question seems redundant. I would have found a way."

Kirk was slightly hurt by the formalities once more. He thought he managed to steer Alyssa past that when they were mostly alone. "You seem to believe in your own abilities as an officer. What about your feelings as a human being?"

"A Starfleet officer does not consider personal feelings."

"That's correct in many ways. Sometimes, it's also what you use to survive. Simple human emotion, from desperation to stubbornness, is what drives us. But you need to use it, Alyssa. You cannot keep giving of yourself for no reason and not take. You need to prove that you are not a robot. There is a mother and a lover in there, underneath the inventive Starfleet officer. That needs to come out too."

Alyssa considered the words for a moment, but she could not make herself work it out. This was just another chink in her armor and Kirk was trying to pull it off of her. She tried seeing it his way. True, she had opened up more than she ever had in five years. It was too easy with the admiral since he was so persistent and kind. But she could not put her personal feelings with her professional work. It was going to kill her and those she loved.

But that's not what he means. Jim is talking about being me. He wants me for me.

The admiral watched her with amusement. "Are you sure you haven't studied logic?"

"You're mocking me," Alyssa complained.

"No." He took her chin into his hand and held her gaze. It was a daring gesture in public. "Making an observation. I want you to keep showing me who you are. There are too many layers."

That explains a lot. Jim's being nosy.

Alyssa again remembered Kurt. He was tough and without mercy because he was an Air Force pilot. When they met when she was a child, he held such a strong impression on her. While she toyed with other older men as a teenager, he had been in the back of her mind. He taunted her constantly until she left her parents at eighteen. He protected her and later Ryder as best as he could, but that had been his undoing as well. Even to the end, he had tired of who she was and tried morphing her into the working machine the military had been and she loved him for it.

Yes, Kurt would not have wanted her to grief forever, but he also would have wanted her to evolve and rise. She tried smiling at the admiral as he released her. It wasn't everyday that someone told her to be herself. It had been years since she was able to goof around or relax. Since political and social events brought her into the hands of Admiral Uriah and then the subsequent transfer after the discovery of this deceit, she had been so involved in a world that required all of her attention and disallowed little room for her own personal life. It was not allowed to her.

Little by little, she was allowing herself to grow with Kirk and she hadn't realized it until now. She was too obstinate and relentless in guarding herself. Kirk was right. She wasn't some emotionless being, but someone with flesh and blood. That meant she also could not ignore herself too.

Upon their return to the house, Kirk helped her out and into the living room to sit. Alyssa redirected him to her office instead and named it the most private space in her house to discuss their business. He complied with a familiar eyebrow rising and seated her at her desk chair. She pointed out another in the corner he could utilize. When she ordered the computer to lock all doors and to keep the lights on, Kirk was amused. She was serious.

"I don't say this often because of how little I experience it." Alyssa took a deep breath. "I do love you, Jim. I love you. It took me some time to see it myself. But it's difficult to admit something that you deny yourself. It's something I fear."

He took her shaking hand. "Love is sometimes best to forget too. I cannot forget you."

"But life will resume normally when you leave. You'll have Admiral Ciana and she'll be pleased. You cannot keep me long distance."

"We'll work that out when it comes. Admiral Ciana has nothing to do with it."

Kirk got up and kneeled before Alyssa. She quickly ordered the lights off. Shrouded in darkness, they felt for each other awkwardly and managed to find one another on the floor as they tumbled. Even in pain, Alyssa wrapped herself around Kirk and felt a shower of kisses pelt her face before reaching her lips. She returned them, tugging on fabric. She did not know whose it was. She did not care.

The rest came easily. Their uniforms were off in seconds. Alyssa tried to take control and found it difficult to be on top, so Kirk gently pinned her next to her chair. She did not like that either and pushed him to the side so that they faced each other and propped up by their elbows. They stared eye to eye, challenging the other to make the first move. Alyssa decided that it was hers. She ordered some music to cover up the noise and allowed Kirk to lunge forward.

Some minutes later, they laid together on the carpet arm in arm, exhausted and trying to catch their breath. Now they found that they had to face reality. Outside, Magda was screaming about something. She demanded that Alyssa open up her office immediately. She was concerned since everyone was locked out.

Alyssa stood and limped to the intercom nearby. "Starfleet business, Magda. I'll be out in twenty minutes."

"What kind of business?" Magda demanded. "You have been secluded in there for an hour. Your son needs you and you've had calls from your men."

"This is business I can't discuss with you. Now, I'll be out when we're finished."

Alyssa shut off the system and hobbled to Kirk's side. She shifted through the pile of clothes until she found her light tan pieces. She began dressing herself carefully, using her chair as a support. He did the same, disappointed as she was that their tryst was over. He tried catching a caress or two when he found a naked spot. Alyssa swatted him away, trying to keep her giggles in.

Eventually though, they had to face everyone. Alyssa ordered the music to shut off and sighed. She and Kirk could dupe anyone with their masquerade. It was easy to be professional and keep their intense sexual feelings to themselves. However, Magda knew what was happening. She wouldn't be fooled.

But she'll keep this secret. She knew all along we loved each other…right? Would Magda remain faithful to me?

Alyssa brushed the thoughts away. "Tonight?" she asked Kirk instead. She was scared of the answer.

"My room," he confirmed. "I've got a few calls to make anyway."

"Oh?" Alyssa was intrigued.

The admiral easily dismissed her interest. "You'll see. I'll tell you more later."