The Edge
Pairing; Toothless X Hiccup
Setting; Modern AU
Rating; M for Mature
Disclaimer; I do not own the HTTYD or any of the music that is used. Everything belongs to its original creator/artist!
19: Seeking Help
=Normal POV=
The process of getting Trayden admitted had been a troublesome one. Harvey didn't want anyone waking up Trayden who had cried himself to sleep in Harvey's arms. However, when the ambulance arrived, it was up to Harvey to carry Trayden to where the stretcher was. After that, Harvey had to sign some documents about letting the psychiatric hospital treat his husband, and that they could keep Tray until they felt he was stable enough to return home. Harvey told everyone else they could go home because nothing more could be done for now, and then he thanked the officers for their help in looking for Trayden. Harvey watched the ambulance leave after the paramedics strapped Trayden down as a precautionary measure in case he woke up and became scared. It broke Harvey's heart to know he was having his husband put under a suicide watch, but Harvey knew that Trayden needed this. Harvey couldn't only offer so much help, and this situation with Drake was more than Harvey could do for his lover.
Harvey left the park, following the ambulance to the hospital where Trayden was going to be placed in for a bit. Harvey knew that the overall time frame in which Trayden stayed solely depended on Tray's mental state, and how he responded to the treatments given to him by the doctors. Upon arriving, Trayden had been taken straight in as Harvey sat with the doctor to deal with the admittance paperwork and in-take of why it needed to happen. Harvey ended up asking the doctor what would happen to Trayden while he was there; it wasn't an easy feat to listen to either.
/Flashback/
"What happens from here, Doctor?" Harvey decided to ask after Harvey informed Dr. Dylan Ryder about why he was admitting Trayden to the hospital for a suicide watch.
"What your husband went through was a breakdown, Mr. Haddock. A moment where everything past and present came on at once, and he could no longer handle the emotions and feelings associated with what happened. You mentioned that he ran away to stop the vandalism attacks on the business you and Trayden have; The Edge, correct?" Dr. Ryder asked.
"Yes, because his father had Trayden being watched," Harvey replied.
"It would seem that at the beginning of things, Trayden only ran away to…save you and the business from what was happening. However, when Trayden had the time to himself; he was able to remember everything else his father put him through, and Trayden though that ending his life was the only way to stop the suffering for himself and anyone else around him. It is my professional opinion that Trayden was hoping to pass before anyone found him; you stated that he had been cutting himself," Dr. Ryder informed.
"Will he be in here for a while?" Harvey questioned.
"That depends on Trayden," Dr. Ryder said. "I can say that legally; we're obligated to keep him for a few days to ensure he doesn't try anything else to hurt himself. While he's here, we'll ensure he doesn't hurt himself farther, and do what we can to remove the suicidal thoughts. We can release him when he's stable, and no longer a threat to himself. However, I would suggest continuing to watch him at home, and if he gets worse then you are free to bring him back,"
"What happens when he wakes up?" Harvey inquired.
"Generally, we're going to evaluate him. This is both a mental and physical one; we'll treat his cuts, and then talk to him about what caused the breakdown. Over the time he's here, we'll have someone available to speak with him about how he's feeling," Dr. Ryder explained.
"Will I be able to visit him?" Harvey looked down.
"Of course, Mr. Haddock. After we've evaluated him, you are more than welcome to sit with him for a bit. I only say after because we don't know how he'll respond to waking up here. There have been past situations where a patient broke down in one place, woke up in here, and then flipped out. Patients have reported feeling betrayed by those who admit them, but we work to show that we only want to help, and so did the person who issued the admittance," Dr. Ryder enlightened.
"I understand," Harvey nodded sadly.
"Don't go blaming yourself, Harvey. In most cases with depressed people, you cannot see what goes on in their heads unless they let you in. For Trayden, he knew his father was giving The Edge trouble and didn't want to say anything because he knew it was being done to get back at him. Trayden didn't want you to hate him for what happened, so he kept it to himself until everything piled on. Moreso, Trayden admitted to you before the breakdown that he was cornered and told by people that the vandalism wouldn't stop until Trayden left," Dr. Ryder reminded.
"I still should have seen the signs, Doctor Ryder. I have known Trayden since 2012 and been the one he's told everything too. I helped him through everything. I should have known that his parents reappearing in his life would have a drastic effect on him," Harvey sighed.
"And you did a fantastic job, lad, but now it's time for you to step back and let the doctors do their job. Trayden needs you now as support, a reminder that he has people here who want him alive and need him," Dr. Ryder smiled with a hand on Harvey's shoulder. "Go on home, and get some rest. We'll let you know when he has awakened. It's best to let him sleep for the time being," Harvey nodded as he got up, shook the doctor's hand, and then he exited the building.
/End Flashback/
Thus far, it had been nine days. Harvey spent a lot of his time either at home or at the hospital with Trayden. Harvey popped into The Edge once or twice to make sure things were still running smoothly, but Andrew assured Harvey to worry about his husband, and that things were taken care of with the business. The times at the hospital weren't easy; Trayden shut down the first two days, not wanting to talk to anyone, not even Harvey, which hurt him a little but the doctor reminded that this could happen. Trayden felt betrayed that Harvey had him admitted, but by day three, Tray was coming around. The doctor kept Harvey up to date on everything going on; nothing discussed just how Trayden was responding to treatment and what the next course of action would be. On day four, Trayden had asked to see Harvey, so he hurried to the hospital.
Trayden said he was sorry for everything, and Harvey told him not to worry about it. Harvey wanted Trayden to focus on getting better because the doctor told Harvey that Trayden admitted to still feeling suicidal, and as such, they were going to keep him a bit longer. Now, on day nine, Harvey was at home and cleaning up a bit when his friends came over to check on him. As far as Harvey knew, Trayden was in an evaluation to see how he was feeling after a few more days of treatment had gone by. Harvey heard a knock on the door, and he went over to answer it.
"Hey," Harvey tried to smile.
"You've been quiet for a while, so we came over to see how you're holding up," Heather offered a smile. Harvey stepped aside and let them in. Once they were, he closed the door and sighed.
"I'm…holding," Harvey said.
"How is Tray?" Seth asked.
"I don't know; he's getting an eval done right now. It can take a while depending on his answers to questions being asked," Harvey sighed.
"Have you been to see him?" Ashley wondered.
"I saw him this morning before the evaluation started. The doctor said he would call when Trayden was done," Harvey sat on the couch.
"Everything will be okay, Harvey. You did the right thing," Ford offered.
"I know I did. And Ashley, I didn't say that day but thank you for helping me realize that the only one who could find him was me. If you hadn't done that when you did;, we might not have found Trayden in time," Harvey said.
"Well, you mentioned being Trayden's first and only friend for a long time; I only assumed that he had told you everything there is to know about him," Ashley replied. "Have the doctors said how long he was cutting for?"
"The cuts from the cave happened that day; I guess Trayden told them that he hadn't cut the first two, but on day three of being there alone, everything piled on, and he couldn't take it anymore," Harvey mentioned. Suddenly, the phone rang. Harvey answered it quickly. "Hello," he said. "How is he?" At this, the friends could assume that Harvey was talking to someone from the hospital. "Well, that's better than what it was before. Does he want me to come see him now or later?" Harvey asked. "Ah, alright. Can you just tell him that I love him, and to sleep well?" he said. "Thank you. Have a good day," Harvey ended the call after that.
"Still not ready to come home?" Zack questioned.
"Trayden's desire of wanting to die is fading, but not all gone, so they're gonna try again in two days. And I guess Tray wants to get some sleep because he's tired," Harvey closed his eyes. The friends frowned; they knew that nothing they said or did was going to cheer Harvey up now that he was aware that even after nine days, Trayden still wanted to die, and that worried Harvey to no end.
[Five Days Later]
Two weeks total and the day had come where the doctor's had deemed Trayden stable enough to leave. Harvey was overjoyed when he got the phone call last night from Doctor Ryder that Trayden's evaluation went better than expected, and Tray said he no longer had thoughts of suicide or wanting to die. Also, that Trayden felt he was ready to go home. The doctor informed that because it was later, they would start the discharge the following morning, which was today. Harvey reached the hospital as soon as visiting hours began. However, Doctor Ryder insisted he come to talk about a few things first, and that's why Harvey came when he did. Now, in the office, Harvey was ready to hear whatever the doctor had to say.
"Thank you for coming so quickly. I am still releasing your husband, so not to worry that he relapsed or anything. However, it is my job to make you aware of possible things to happen at home," Dr. Ryder said.
"I'm all ears, Doctor," Harvey replied, listening intently.
"First off, Trayden has admitted that he no longer feels like he wants to harm himself or die, but he is still depressed. We've determined that he is stable, and he feels ready to leave. That was the goal when we began this venture. Secondly, I would like to ask that you continue to watch him once you've returned home. Finally, if something like this happens again; you remember what I told you?" Dr. Ryder asked.
"Yes, to bring him back if necessary," Harvey nodded.
"Excellent. Now, just sign here for our record to state that he is being released into your care, then you're free to take him with you," Dr. Ryder smiled. Harvey signed the document. "You're all set, Mr. Haddock,"
"Thank you for all you've done for him," Harvey shook the man's hand. The doctor nodded as he led Harvey out and then down the hall to where Trayden's room had been the last fourteen days. Dr. Ryder nodded as he knocked on Trayden's door, then opened it by scanning his ID badge.
"Trayden, your husband is here to take you home," Doctor Ryder informed as he stepped aside and let Harvey walk in, then over to Trayden.
"Harvey…" Trayden said softly when he saw him. Harvey hugged him tightly.
"I've missed you, Love. Are you ready to leave?" Harvey asked after the hug ended, and Harvey had kissed Tray gently. Trayden nodded as Harvey took his hand, and then the two left together. Once in the parking lot, Harvey helped Trayden in the car, then he got in on the driver's side. Trayden had his head down, and eyes closed. "Are you okay?"
"Harvey, thank you for what you did for me, and I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused you and anyone else when I left," Trayden said.
"Don't apologize, Tray. I should have known that your parents making an appearance in your life again would affect you, I should have been a better husband and made sure you were alright," Harvey said.
"No, Harvey. You're a fantastic husband; I shouldn't have hidden how much it was bothering me. I should have told you I knew it was my dad behind it all. I…shouldn't have been afraid to talk to you. I'm sorry I scared you, and all this happened. Thank you…for giving my life meaning. If nothing else, I know I always have you," Trayden smiled a bit. Harvey leaned over and kissed Tray deeply.
"Yes, you will. Now, what do you say we get out of here?" Harvey inquired.
"I say that sounds like something I want to do. Can we…maybe stop and get something to eat? I'm starving, and the food in there sucks," Trayden wondered. Harvey smiled and nodded to him.
"I think we can do that," Harvey replied. After that, they left the psychiatric hospital together. Harvey would never let his husband fall again, he refused to allow it. Harvey would always be there for him, and Trayden knew that now after seeing what Harvey did to make sure he stayed alive. Trayden just hoped things would remain okay now.
[Two Weeks Later; 9/29/2016]
Trayden had been home for two weeks, but Harvey could tell that his husband was still miserable and unhappy. Everyone knew that Tray was back, but Harvey asked them to stay away for now because Trayden was in a delicate state. Sullivan and Victoria had been over though, and Seth, but no one else. Harvey had taken some personal time off working that way he could keep an eye on Trayden as Dr. Ryder had instructed him to do so. Trayden was quiet all the time now, barely speaking unless someone spoke to him. Trayden didn't want to leave the house, he had no sex drive, and he didn't eat a lot. Harvey was worried about him; afraid he might snap again at a moment's notice. Harvey didn't know what to do to help him, and sadly, Harvey was beginning to accept that perhaps he couldn't give Trayden what he needed.
Harvey understood that Trayden grew up in a life of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse plus the neglect too. Harvey had helped Trayden out when they were friends, and after they began dating, but Harvey was only someone who would listen and remind that Trayden didn't live that life anymore. Harvey was coming to terms with the fact that if Trayden was going to recover and heal from this depression; he needed professional help. Harvey needed to talk to Trayden about this; he wouldn't force him to do it, but he was going to do his best to convince his husband to see a psychiatrist. The time now was early evening; 5:10 pm as Harvey was making dinner for himself and Trayden, who was laying in bed. Harvey finished cooking their meal at 5:30 pm, then set out the two plates on the table for them. Taking a deep breath, Harvey moved to the bedroom.
"Tray?" Harvey asked walking into the room. "I made dinner," he added.
"I'm not hungry right now," Trayden replied. Harvey sighed as he closed the bedroom door and sat on the edge of the bed beside his husband.
"You missed lunch because you were sleeping, babe," Harvey stated as Trayden closed his eyes. Harvey turned his head; this needed to happen before anything else. Trayden might not be having suicidal thoughts or wanting to die, but his depression wasn't getting any better, and that scared Harvey to no end. "Trayden," he said, but Tray didn't respond. "Trayden, look at me please?" Finally, Trayden moved and looked at Harvey.
"What, Harv?" Trayden replied.
"Tray, you know how much I love you and want to help you get through this, but you're not letting me in. You have been home for two weeks, and all you do it lay around in bed unless you're using the bathroom or taking a shower. And you barely eat when you come out for a meal. You're shutting down on me, and I'm starting to get scared again," Harvey said.
"I'm not going to hurt myself again," Trayden replied.
"Trayden, when we first met; you said you never let the depression take over enough for you to want harm yourself, or want death. However, last month I found you in a cave, breaking down and cutting because you wanted to die," Harvey reminded as Trayden sighed and looked away. "I want to help you, Trayden, but I don't feel like I can anymore. You know that I am always here for you to come to when you have a problem; someone who will listen and never judge, but I cannot cure your depression, and you know that it won't just fade,"
"What are you saying, Harvey?" Trayden inquired now.
"I'm saying that I think you should talk to a professional," Harvey stated.
"Y-You want me to talk to a shrink? I don't…need that!" Trayden protested quickly.
"Tray, yes you do. You need to talk to someone about what you've been through, someone who can actually help and make it better," Harvey tried. Trayden sat up quickly and shook his head angrily.
"No! I won't do it," Trayden got up quickly and crossed his arms over his chest, then he left the room as Harvey followed after him.
"Trayden, please! Please just give it a try, and if it doesn't help then I won't bug you about it again, but please try?" Harvey asked.
"I said no, Harvey. I'm not talking to some quack about how I feel; I'm fine," Trayden argued. Harvey put his hand on Trayden's arm and turned him around, so that Tray was facing Harvey. As soon as Trayden was about to say something else, he saw Harvey's tear-filled green eyes. In the entire six years that Trayden had known Harvey, he'd never seen him on the verge of tears before.
"You are not fine!" Harvey yelled. "Stop tell me you are because you aren't damn it! Trayden, you tried to kill yourself last month because you thought you would never get to be happy because of your father! You left while I was working, and disappeared for three days after that! The only reason I found you is that Ashley got me to calm down and think about how well I know you, and I remembered our conversation about going to places to escape for a bit. Call any one of my family members, or friends; ask them how much of a mess I was because you took off. And then I find you breaking down after cutting, begging for me to just let you die!"
"Harvey…I-I'm okay. It's just…a lot to deal with, but I don't need a psychiatrist. Don't cry," Trayden said calmer now, still in shock to see Harvey in such a state.
"You aren't okay; don't lie to me. I know you! You aren't sleeping; I feel you moving around at night unable to sleep. You barely eat, and I know because you're always tired or not hungry. You don't leave the bedroom unless you're using the bathroom or showering, and even then I sit with you in there because I'm terrified you're going to try and kill yourself again! I feel like the only reason you aren't trying or saying you want death is because you know I'm watching you like a hawk. I feel like if I leave you alone for just five minutes, you're going to snap…and I'll lose you," Harvey whimpered.
Trayden's eyes widened at Harvey's confession. "Do you get what I'm telling you now, Tray? Do you understand why I'm so upset? It's because I'm scared. I'm afraid of waking up one morning and finding you dead from cutting or an overdose. I'm terrified that I'm going to lose the love of my life! I don't sleep because I know you aren't. You aren't okay, you aren't fine. Please? Please just talk to someone and see if it helps at all. Just try, that's all I'm asking, Tray. Please? Please try, for me?" Harvey pleaded as he was now on his knees, hugging his arms around Trayden's waist.
Trayden couldn't believe it. Harvey was begging him to talk to a psychiatrist to get help because Harvey was petrified to lose him. How could Trayden tell him no? "Al-Alright! Okay, Harvey, you win," Trayden said as Harvey looked up at him, as a tear slipped from his eyes. "I'll try and talk to a shrink to see if it helps, for you I will," Harvey stood up and hugged him tightly, still crying a bit.
"Thank you," Harvey said through the cracked tone. "I love you, Trayden. I can't imagine a world without you in it because you are my life,"
"I love you too," Trayden said. Harvey wiped his eyes and kissed Trayden's forehead, then his lips, and Trayden returned it. "We should go eat before it gets cold," he said with a small smile. Harvey nodded as he took Trayden's hand, then led him to the table so they could enjoy supper. Trayden didn't know if this would help him at all, but he was willing to try for Harvey's sake. Trayden decided that tomorrow he would start the process of seeking help for himself.