**please read before continuing ;
Im sorry if this chapter triggers anyone, it's not meant to and I'm really sorry**
"No...I mean yes... please don't tell Serena, she thinks the world of me"
"You know that these meetings are confidential..."
"Yes But Your close to her out of work..."
"That doesn't mean that I'm just gonna tell her"
The blonde nodded "I can't lose her again"
"What makes you say that?"
"Because she's been through to much and that she wouldn't be able to hand It.."
"Handle it as in your endless tries of killing yourself?"
"Yes...she's only just got over losing Ellie..."
"And Your scared that the next time you do it that she'll find out when it's too late?"
Bernie nodded, wiping her tears away with her right hand as she hated talking about her tries but would never talk in detail about them as she felt too ashamed, She looked around the room so that she had something to focus on while she tried to stop more of her tears from falling. David wrote down some more notes before speaking again after handing Bernie some tissue to dry her eyes with
"Do you want to talk about your attempts?"
"Would it help?" She replied
"It might do, if it helps you can pretend that I'm not here and it's just you in the room, sometimes thinking like that helps or think of me as Serena , like your telling her for the first time that also might help you in this situation"
The blonde nodded again and took a few deep breaths as she was thinking how to tell him as she kept her attempts and what had happened in Ukraine bottled up inside her , she looked down at her hands as she was holding her phone, she looked at David pretending he was Serena
"Serena, I... erm I need to talk to you.."
David nodded "What is it Bernie?"
"It's kinda bad, you've just over losing Ellie, when I was in Ukraine all I could think about was you every single day, I didn't know she was going to be there" Bernie replied with a pause, looking down again
"Who was there?"
"Alex my ex.. Alex was doing the same thing as me... the hospital they needed all the help they could get, there was one night where a group of us was working on a patient who didn't make it, so after my shift I went into a pub and started to drink, you know just ease the pain a little, Alex was in the same pub... we went back to the hotel room.. me and her we had sex, I'm sorry"
David shook his head to say that he was listening still letting Bernie explain on how she was feeling
"I love you I really do and I swear it was a drunken mistake that meant nothing, there's also something else I need to tell you as it's tearing me up inside..."
"Since coming back I've been trying, it's not your fault I swear, it's all mine.."
"Trying What?" David asked like he didn't know about the attempts
"I've been attempting to kill my self.. that's why I've been wearing those long tops under my scrubs and that I've stopped eating... I'm sorry"
David looked at the blonde "Can I have a look under your sleeves?" He asked her softly , the blonde gave him a little nod before rolling her sleeves up, David saw where she tried to cut
"I start to do it then I get half way when I realise it's not far on Serena so I stop before i press the blade deeper against my skin.." she said in her shaky voice again as her tears started to fall more.
David put his hand on Bernie's arm a gave it a friendly rub to let her know that it was okay "I honestly think your brave Bernie"
Back in the theatre, Serena was just finishing operating on her last patient that had been involved in the crash, she had a feeling with the young girls injury's that it would be impossible to save her as she had lost too much blood, but Serena was willing to give it a try.
She was now halfway through when she started to think that Fletch was right, maybe she did need Bernie's help as she was having this thought the machines started to beep and the girls pulse was getting weaker, Serena shook her head coming out of the thought
"Shit"
Fletch and jasmine
looked at her before hearing Ric speak "Serena there's nothing more you can do.. let her bleed out"
Serena nodded and let her bleed out "time of death 7:30pm" she said before going to scrub out. Serena headed to her office and collected her stuff, she knew that as it was getting late Bernie wouldn't want to go out so she was going to bring the meal to her.
Serena signed out and brought herself a coffee as she walked through the ground floor to get to the car park, she sipped her coffee and unlocked the car and out in and sat in the drivers seat and put her coffee into the cup holder before getting her phone out
"Hey Bern, just to say I'm out of theater, I'm gonna do a little bit of shopping, want me to come and pick you up or we can meet at yours x"
Serena typed out before sending the text to Bernie who had just finished her meeting, she stood outside the building and lit another cigarette as it helped her to relax her,she heard her phone beep so she reached into her coat pocket and took it out reading the text before replying to it
"Can we meet at mine? I feel like I need a little alone time, I'll tell you Why later. do you still have that spare key to mine? X"
the blonde sent her a text back waiting on Serena to reply again and smoked her cigarette, a couple of seconds later after sending Serena her response she seen that she had texted back which made her smile a little
"Yes of course I do, I'll tidy up a little while I'll wait for you to come back, take your time but don't take to long as I'll get worried and I'll send a search party out for you x"
Serena sent her reply to her again and smiled reading Bernie's reply
"I would love that if you could I haven't had the time to clean up my mess, your a life saver! feel free to make yourself at home to! X"
Bernie replied and put her phone away as she started to walk away from the building , she wiped her eyes a little as she was still debating on telling her on what she had told David, she also let out a small sigh.
Serena put her phone on the dash board and drove out the hospital car park, she drove to the nearest supermarket, and parked in the car-park and out locking the door before walking towards the entrance of Asda, she picked up a basket put some flowers into her basket and headed down the food aisle that she needed to go, she put the food into her basket and headed down to the wine aisle knowing just hat to get to cheer Bernie up, she picked up several bottles of her favorite Shiraz.
Serena didn't know what else to get after getting everything that she had came in for, she headed to the check-outs, there was a Que so Serena decided to go to the self-service as it as quicker because she wanted to get to Bernie's house before she did, Once she scanned everything she put the shopping into some carrier bags and paid using her credit card, and put her card back into her purse so she wouldn't lose it, and headed out to her car, she had put the shopping in the boot, she got back into the drivers seat smiling to her self as she had a thought of her and Bernie.
She soon drove off and drove to Bernie's which took her a little longer as the traffic started to build up, but it wasn't that bad she had managed to avoid it, Serena pulled up into the drive way, leaving space for Bernie to access her car if she need to, she picked up her bag and placed it on the passenger seat and started to rummage around for her keys , she had put Bernie's key with hers so that she wouldn't lose it. She had been rummaging around in her bag for about five minutes before finding them "Ah their they are" she said to herself while she lifted the keys and her bag getting out and walked around to the boot getting the shopping out, she closed the boot of the car and took it to the front door unlocking the door going inside.
Serena walked through into the kitchen and placed the bags down on the table and started to unpack the bags , she looked around the kitchen putting things away for Bernie before making a start on their dinner, She was going to attempt to make Bernie's favourite spaghetti bolognese, as it was a quick meal for her to make.
It didn't take her long to cook the bolognese as it was also one of her favourite meals, she plated up the pasta and then the bolognese and smiled to herself seeing how nice their dinner looked, she plated up the extra servings and left them to one side while she started to tidy and clean the kitchen before moving into the front room picking up the empty take away boxes and shoved them into the black bag,
Bernie decided since she left the building that she would take a slow walk back home, giving her time to think if she wanted to tell Serena about Alex and tell her about her attempt , her eyes was red from crying , she had to tell her because it was tearing her apart inside.
Bernie walked onto her street and walked to her gate and walked in, taking her keys out from her coat pocket, she unlocked the door and went in, going straight into the kitchen seeing several bottles of Shiraz and looked over at the kitchen unit by the microwave seeing her meal, she sighed a little before hearing Serena call out to her
"Bernie is that you?" She asked shouting down from the top of the stairs
"Yeah it's me, I'm in the kitchen, what bottle of Shiraz is open?"
"None, you'll have to open one"
"Okay, I will do" She said going into her glass cupboard, she lifted out two wine glasses and placed them next to the bottles while she opened one pouring the Shiraz into the glasses and picked a glass up taking a few sips , placing her mobile and keys down on the side "I'm going out side for a cigarette"
"Okay Bern, please don't be to long out there" Serena replied walking down the stairs , the blonde went out side with her glass of Shiraz getting on a chair which was a few meters away from the back door, she lifted her cigarette box taking out one , she lit it and breathed in the cigarette , it was like bernie was slightly pushing Serena way since coming back from Ukraine, she didn't mean to.
Serena was now in kitchen and looked out the window seeing Bernie, she was going to go out there to check on her, she picked up the wine glass and took a few sips walking outside to Bernie who was slowly smoking her cigarette while sipping on her drink
When Serena got close to her she saw that she had been crying "Bernie what's happened? You okay?" She asked softly.
Bernie looked at her "I'm fine"
"No your not , you've been crying , your eyes are all red..."
Bernie stubbed her cigarette out and stood up before snapping at Serena "I said I was fine"
The blonde walked back into the house making her way to the stairs and sat on them , Serena watched her walk off before sighing.