Bernie looked into the kitchen before rolling up her selves and looked at the scars before sighing before hearing footsteps she quickly rolled down her sleeves and looked over at Serena and gave her a small fake smile to let her know that everthing was okay.

Serena knew that something was wrong, not because of Bernie's fake smile but as the way Bernie was quite

"You okay, do you want me to sit with you?" Serena asked looking at her softly

Bernie looked at her, and gave her a soft nod "I'm sorry for snapping, I would love that"

Serena smiled again and sat next to the blonde and put her hand on her arm not realising that Bernie had been self harming and that there was a few fresh cuts that was beginning to sting the moment Serena placed her hand on her arm. The blonde flinched a little before putting her head on her partners shoulder, feeling a little relaxed.

Serena smiled a little more noticing that Bernie had put her head on her shoulder and put her arm round her softly stroking her hair "Are you sure your okay?" She asked again but this time more softly

"Not really if I'm honest" the blonde sighed before admitting

"Did you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know... I want to though...maybe not just yet"

"Hey Bern, I'm not going anywhere now, I'm all yours for tonight, Your my priority, you can tell me when your ready" she replied softly kissing her head "whatever it is I want you to know that your safe, I've got you"

The blonde nodded before looking around nervously as she really wanted to tell her about what had happened at her meeting "if I tell you promise you won't get mad and hate me and runaway?"

"Bernie no matter how bad it is , I'm staying right here, I'm not going to run, I promise you I'm staying no matter how bad it might be"

Bernie gave a little nod before looking at her partner "I'm sorry.. there's two Hingis I need to tell you but I think I'll tell you the worst one fist..."

Serena looked her confused after hearing her speak "Worst one first?"

The blonde nodded "Unless you want the other news first... But can we have something to eat first? I'm a little hungry.."

"Hey course we can, Tea's all cooked and its waiting for you" Serena replied softly giving the blonde a soft smile And held out her hand to help her up. Bernie looked at her hand for a few moment studying her hand before taking it and slowly stood up from the stairs And slowly walked back into the kitchen placing her glass on the table as she was going to refill her glass. Serena watched her before putting Bernie's bowl of food into the microwave.

Bernie refilled her glass and got up heading over to the sink To get the spoon and fork that was on the draining board, when her sleeve rolled up a little showing a few of her scars, and of course Serena was watching her she noticed the few scars and moved closer to so that she could have a proper look.

"Bernie?"

"Yes?"

"Please tell me you haven't?"

The blonde looked at her "please tell you I didn't want?" She asked confused

"You know what..." Serena replied raising her eyebrow and crossed her arms like she was being cross with her, just as the microwave beeped.

"Obviously I don't know or I wouldn't be asking!" The blonde queried.

Serena sighed before grabbing wrist to show Bernie scars , as she did the blonde flinched before letting out a painful whine

"Get off!"

"No not till you tell me what's been going on"

"Nothing is going on now get off" The blonde raised her voice at her partner,

"So if there's nothing wrong then what's with the scars?"

"Their from my time in the army!" The blonde lied hoping that Serena would drop it

"No their not, their fresh! So don't give me that!" Yelled Serena

The blonde looked at her before yelling back at her "it could of happened in Ukraine!"

"Berine! There to fresh to be from Ukraine!"

Bernie rolled her eyes knowing exactly what Serena was doing "It fucking happened in Ukraine okay?" The blonde shouted at her partner who was also getting irritated with her.

"Just tell me the truth Berenice!" Serena yelled louder

"I just did!"

"I don't believe you Bernie!"

"What do you want me to say?!"

"The truth! As this isn't you! Your hiding something!"

"What do you want me to say?! Huh? That I've been cutting since coming back from Ukraine? because of the nightmares that I keep having?" Yelled letting the truth slip out, she looked at her partner after realising what she had just admitted before walking out the room and headed to the front door and opening it walking out of the house.

The blonde turned to the wall and punched it hard in anger as she was never meant to tell Serena like that "You stupid Stupid bitch!" She said to herself As she had punched the wall her knuckles was bleeding so she shook her hand in a little bit of pain. The blonde didn't want to go back inside knowing that Serena would start asking her questions so she decided to stay outside, she sat on the wall looking at her knuckle that was bleeding.

Serena was shocked with out Bernie had told her, she had watched her leave for the second time, she looked over at the microwave and took out Bernie's dinner and placed it on the table and sat down, and started to eat it as she thought about giving Bernie some time to calm down. Serena looked at her phone seeing a text from David.

"hey Bernie turned up to her session today, I know you was there for a little bit but when you left, she stayed.

The session went well,Has Bernie returned home?"

"That's great! Glad she stayed after I left, I'm sorry that I had to leave like that...

yeah Bernie's home but she's acting a little weird, Like she's calm one minute but the next she's up tight... I've seen the scars on her wrists... Do you know anything about it?" She asked responding to the text

"Just try to talk to her in a calm voice, Yes I do... She told me why but I think that she needs to tell you herself as its not my place to say about it,I'm sorry" David sent replying to Serena's text.

"It's okay I'm sure that she'll tell me" she sent back to him before tapping on Berine's name that was in her messages and started to type out a text

"Just to say I'm going up to bed if you want to talk to me..." She sent getting up going to the sink and placing the empty pasta dish in tot the sink and washed it up and put it on the draining board ,she soon left the room and went up the stairs after turning a few lights off. Once she was in the bed room she had gotten dressed into her PJ's and sat on the bed waiting for her partner to show her face.

An hour and a half later Bernie was getting cold so she knew that it was time for her to come back in looking for Serena as she was ready to talk about her scars and what she had done in Ukraine , Bernie's phone was in her bag which hung up by her leather jackets "Serena?" She called out quietly not knowing that Serena was upstairs asleep after waiting for her to calm down. The blonde checked all the rooms downstairs , she looked over and saw her dinner and sighed before putting it in the microwave for tomorrow as she was no longer hungry , she walked out into the hallway and looked at the coats that was hung up and saw Serena's, she smiled to herself a little bit knowing that she was still in the house.

the blonde walked up the stairs and started to check every room until she got to her bedroom seeing that the light was on , she quietly went in and went over to the bed and sat on her side she started to stroke her partners hair watching her sleep "I'm sorry"she whispered and kissed her head, she continued to watch her sleep . Serena soon woke up and looked up at Bernie and gave her a little smile before speaking

"You came back"

"Of course I did, I'm not leaving you"

Serena nodded lightly "I'm sorry for forcing you to tell me"

The blonde took her hand and held it "you got nothing to be sorry for , this is all my fault, I been bottling it up from you when I should of just told you the truth... I'm ready to talk about now if you still wanna know me?"

"Hey course I still want to know you, I love you Bernie, I have, i'm forcing you to tell me"

"No Serena.. Your trying to help I realise that now... What do you want first? The worst news or the bad news?"

"Bernie it's okay, just take you time"Serena said with a small pause "The worst?" She replied sitting up

Bernie nodded and took a deep breath looking at her before finding the courage to speak

"I've been attempting to kill my self.. that's why I've been wearing those long tops under my scrubs and that I've stopped eating... I'm sorry"

Serena put her arm round her and rubbed her arm "Bernie why?"

"I just wanted the nightmares to stop, I felt like no-body wanted me around as all I do is let everyone down.."

"That's not true, I want you around, you bring the laughter to work every day, you always know how to help everyone that needs it... Bernie your special"

"No I'm just a special fuck up... Since I came back we've only had sex once...

"Because you was scared to show me the scars, Bernie that doesn't change the way I feel about you"

"You say that but what I'm about tell you , you might think differently "

"How bad can it be? You told me about the nightmares and now you're scars" Serena replied looking at the blondes hands seeing that her right knuckle was bleeding and went to touch it "What happened to your hand?"

Bernie flinched a little bit but let her touch it "I..I punched the wall in anger... as I didn't want to tell you like that.."

"Oh bernie" She said softly kissing her head to make her feel better "where's the Germolene?"

"On my bed side table, i used it on my scars" she said picking it up from the table and handed it to her

"It might sting" serena said softly applying the cream onto her knuckles gently, Bernie flinched a little as she wasn't quite used to the pain.

"I'm sorry baby it has to be done"

"It's not you, it's my own stupid fault"

"Your not stupid, this was an accident, I can help you get better"

"How are you going to do that? I hate those meetings , it makes me feel more worst..."

"You felt safe when I went with you... so I'm gonna come with you more... and you need to stop pushing me away, because I know that you don't mean to"

The blonde nodded and held tighter onto her her partners hand "I didn't mean to hurt you.." she said before pausing as she was about to tell her about Ukraine , Serena looked at her a little confused

"Bernie.. you haven't.."

"Yes I have , when I went to Ukraine.."

"What happened in Ukraine?"

"It's kinda bad, you've just over losing Ellie, when I was in Ukraine all I could think about was you every single day, I didn't know she was going to be there" Bernie replied with a pause, looking down again

"Who was there?"

"Alex my ex.. Alex was doing the same thing as me... the hospital they needed all the help they could get, there was one night where a group of us was working on a patient who didn't make it, so after my shift I went into a pub and started to drink, you know just ease the pain a little, Alex was in the same pub... we went back to the hotel room.. me and her we had sex, I'm sorry"

Serena looked at her , she was hurt as her eyes started to feel with tears "Is this another reason why we only had sex Once when you came back... do you love her?"

"Serena I'm sorry, I felt guilty and I swear you was all I thought about"

"Your just saying that to make me feel a little better.."

"No I'm not, I mean it I couldn't stop thinking about you, I wanted her to be you, I wanted you by my side..."

Serena had let the tears fall as she was so hurt with what bernie had told her "I want to help but I can't do this..." she said letting go of her hand getting up and stood by the bedroom door "I think it's best if I go..."

"Serena please I need you I love you"

Serena shrugged her shoulders and walked out the room and down the stairs grabbing her coat and bag leaving the house getting back into her car, driving back to her house.

Bernie had watched the love of her life leave, she had more tears falling , she looked over at the blade that was sat on her bedside table like she had an erge to cut again "Come on Bernie you can do this..." she said to her self before putting the blade into the bin with a sigh knowing that she needed to regain her trust with her partner.