Author's Note: If you're reading this, you somehow managed to get through the first chapter, so thank you. This is my first fic so forgive me if I make some kind of amateur mistakes or something. Another thing I would like to point out is that English is NOT my first language so I'm trying my best not to mess up, but alas, if I do, please forgive me.
I love Bechloe and I love Brittana so I decided to try this. If you have any suggestions or reactions about the story, please, feel free to comment below, I assure you that I will read it. Thank you again. I hope you can enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing about these beautiful characters.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these amazing characters. The song feautured in the chapter is "The Scientist" by Coldplay.
Chapter 2: Maybe
Beca's POV
You still can't believe you're doing this. If you're bad at real flirting you can only imagine how awful you're going to be at fake flirting with the girl in front of you who's currently chocking down a tequila shot. You look around just to see how much this place sucks but, to your surprise, it's actually not that bad. Not that you're going to actually let anyone notice that you kind of like a place where people come just to socialize. You can blame it on the alcohol though. Santana has been drowning both you and herself in tequila and basically anything that the bartender serves in a shot glass. You are pretty sure that Santana is going to make you drink all the alcohol you can take. She noticed a few months ago that drinking is the only thing that makes you go loose. You don't really mind. If you're going to survive this, it better be wasted so you can't remember a thing tomorrow. Besides, you really want to help your roommate and you don't think you're going to be of much use sober. Not that you're going to be of use whatsoever.
You try to remember when was the last time you were in a place like this. It was probably around your time in Barden when the Bellas used to drag you to all kinds of crazy places. You start to feel a little melancholic, not that you will ever admit out loud the fact that you would willingly go to any party, or even strip club, just to spend five more minutes with the Bellas.
"So, where's Brittany?" You ask, but you don't think Santana's paying attention. She's focused on whatever or whomever she's texting on her phone.
"Oh, shit. She just texted me that they are running late. Apparently, they got distracted while doing each other make ups. What the actual fuck." Santana says, empathizing that last sentence with her trademark snarky attitude. You think she's about to lose it.
"Okay, chill dude. I don't think it's as bad as it sounds. Otherwise, she wouldn't have texted that. She would've made up some other excuse. I think." You say to try to calm her down.
"I know Britt, if they were having sex or something like that, she would've just told me. That's how pure and sincere she is." Santana says but you can still notice disappointment in her voice.
"So, you have no reason to go all Vendetta on that girl the minute she sets foot here. Get yourself together dude. They'll be here any minute now and we have to be ready if you want your epic not-so-logical plan to work" you say and surprisingly you feel less anxious at the fact that you're about to be in the middle of a very awkward situation. Yep, you're drunk.
"I will take that as your plead for another round. So, yes sir! Más tequila coming up." Santana says and with that she leaves for the bar so you have no time to say that you think you've had enough. If you are not drunk right now, you'll definitely be after those shots.
You sit there patiently waiting for Santana to come back. You let the music fill your ears and mind for a second before methodically judging every decision that the DJ has made with the tunes. You think it's not that bad, but you know you can do so much better. You feel a sense of calmness and you realize that you're having a good time. You have to thank Santana for that. Not that you're actually going to thank her. You're just admitting to yourself the fact that for the first time in a long time, you feel kind of good, or at least, not that bad.
"Guess who's back bitch" Santana practically yells while putting four shot glasses in the table in front of you.
"No, no way. I want to walk away from here with some dignity left you know" you say to her and she gives you that look, the one that tells you that you are absolutely drinking those tequila shots, because Santana is like that, she usually gets what she wants, one way or another. You're not one to be bossed around easily. In fact, going against the flow is exactly one of your most well-known features. You can use Aubrey Posen as a reference for that one. But the thing is, something about Santana makes you cave in. Maybe it's because you two are so alike that she gets you in ways that not so many people can, and you get her the same way. You know that she's bossy and even arrogant at times and she pushes you, oh how she pushes you… but at the same time you feel like she's never going to push hard enough for you to fall. You feel at ease with her, even when most people should feel intimidated because it's Santana we're talking about. You don't see her for what she wants to appear as. You see her for what she is, for who she is behind all those walls because you've been her. You know what is like to live your life slamming doors just to keep people at a safe distance.
"Oh, come on. Don't be a pussy. You drink two, I drink two and we'll be happy bitches" she says as she takes one of the shot glasses in her hand. She drinks it like it's water. You feel sudden admiration for the girl. You can't help but to copy her action.
"There you go Mitchell, I knew you had it in you" says Santana with a wide grin.
"So, since my magnificent plan has suffered a slightly inconvenience of time. Let's put this minutes to a good use. Tell me Ms. Mitchell, what's your story?" says Santana with that goofy grin still on. Proof enough of the alcohol reaching her head.
"Oh, you getting sentimental on me bitch? Now you wanna do girl talk? You're definitely losing rep points for that" I reply as I find myself smiling too.
"Say all you want but all I'm seeing is you evading my question. So, start talking mamasita" she says.
"You already know the basics. Graduated college. Moved to LA. I'm into music. I-"
"No, see I already know that. What I want to know is what happened before you graduated college and moved to LA. I want to know what you're running from" Santana interrupted.
"I'm not running from anything" I'm quick to reply because I don't really see where this is going. Or maybe I don't want to know. Whatever.
"Oh, so it's a someone" Santana says with an exciting look on her face. Like she's about to discover something very amusing.
"No, I didn't… run. I mean, no. There's no one" is my reply but I can see that Santana is not satisfied with my answer and neither am I. There was no running. I came here to follow my dreams and that kind of thing always comes with a cost. So yeah, I left people behind. Everyone does at some point.
"Look, I get it. You came here to follow your dreams, to be the next big thing. Guess what? I did the same and I could bet that half of the population of this city is here doing exactly that. And by doing that, we always leave something or someone behind. You know exactly who I left behind and now I'm doing everything that I can to get her back" says Santana and I can notice a change in the air. The conversation turned serious, somehow.
"My point is, people like you and me, we just don't leave things behind, we run from them" and with that she looks like she's finished talking and it's my turn. I can feel a knot in my throat that I just realized was there since Santana mentioned the word run. Because suddenly everything made sense and I had an answer to her question. I was not expecting to have this kind of realization tonight, while drinking tequilas with my barely sober roommate in a semi-crowded karaoke bar.
"Chloe" is all I can manage to say. It came out of me both as a blurt and a whisper. More to myself than as a reply to the girl currently looking at me with a satisfied grin because she has me exactly where she wanted. I feel like every ounce of pain that I felt the last time I saw the current subject of my thoughts, is back, hitting me hard, like no time has passed at all. It's not like the pain ever left, it's just that I'm feeling it more vivid. Because suddenly I feel guilty and broken again all at once.
"That's what I thought. So, how did it end?" asks Santana looking at me like she's trying to figure me out.
"That's the thing dude. It didn't. It never even started" I say and I can't help but laugh at that. I don't really know if I'm laughing because I find it ironically funny or because I'm drunk. Maybe a little bit of both. There's another feeling though, and as I feel my body burning up, I know it's rage. Not towards the girl in front of me, not towards the girl I left behind, but towards myself.
"Ouch. I tend to think that those are the ones that hurt the most. Soo many 'what if's'…" Santana says and I can't help but agree.
Santana stays quiet for a while. I don't know if she's doing it intentionally to give me some time to recover from my sudden realization or because she's thinking of other ways to discover what she wants to know. Either way, it's appreciated. I'm not mad that she brought this up but it reminded me that maybe there are wounds that will never heal. Ten minutes ago, I was feeling like finally, maybe, after all this time, I was over that. But who am I kidding. I don't think I'll ever be over the fact that after all the progress I had made, after all the effort that I put in letting people in, I just ran like a little bitch. It's not like I should've stayed. My goal was LA, still is. But maybe, I could've done things a different way. Maybe I should've said something. Maybe I should've kept in touch. Maybe I didn't had to shut down people that cared so much about me, people that I still care about even when they probably forgot all about me.
"Last question on the test. Answer right and you get a B minus" says Santana jokingly.
"Shoot away" I say.
"What's your biggest regret?" she asks.
"What's yours?" I ask defensively. Not because it bothers me that she asked, but because I feel like I might be too drunk to answer without pouring my heart out with a list of the things that I was just thinking about. I hate this kind of drunk where all I do is think about how miserable my life decisions have been.
"Breaking Brittany's heart" she replies sincerely. And I can't help but feel like she deserves an honest answer too.
"Wow, dude. You have a heart" I say jokingly because that's what you do when someone talks about feelings. Make a joke, pray you make them laugh and turn the other way.
"Bitch" she says almost giggling. And I can't help but think that I like Santana this way. I mean, I find hilarious her sarcasm and cockiness. But there's something about this side of her. Seeing her relaxed and laughing and talking about feelings. It's something I would never thought I'd see because I know that it's something she usually doesn't show and I'm just glad that we are in a phase on our friendship in which… You know what. Stop that train of thought. What is wrong with me tonight? Fucking tequila.
"I'm full of regrets you know… but I think my biggest one would be… not doing something" you say.
"Uh, uh. If you want that B you gotta work it. Details" she's quick to reply.
"I mean… I just wish I had said something when I had the chance. Like…saying what I wanted and going after it. I guess it would've ended badly anyways with me leaving and me…being me… and she… being well…Chloe. But I can't help but regret not doing something or at least trying to. Like sometimes I just wish we had the opportunity to have that awkward conversation about feelings so that she could reject me. But maybe… just maybe… there could have been a slightly chance of her feeling the same thing for me. And we could've had that thing you know. The falling in love moments… and then the nasty break-up moment. And then we could've moved on, you know. I could move on. Because I had it and then I lost it… but at least I had it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my biggest regret is not having closure" you finish with that. You feel like you're out of air. Santana looks at you with knowing eyes.
"Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. Congratulations Mitchell, you passed with a B plus" she says as she grabs her second shot glass and drinks the whole thing in a fraction of a second like she usually does. Then she's leaving. Probably to get more drinks but this time you will absolutely pass. You're both emotionally exhausted, with all this heart to heart mojo going on, and drunk.
You start making your way towards the bar to find Santana. You really want to help her and all but by this point you don't think Brittany and company are going to show up and if they do, you are pretty sure that you're too drunk to not mess up. You look around but there's no sign of the brunette. Suddenly the music stops and everyone starts to face the little stage at the back of the room. Then you notice a woman on the stage that looks exactly like Santana. Oh shit.
"Hello everybody. I would like for my midget friend to join me on this one" you hear Santana's voice blast through the speakers. Oh, shit. She's pointing at you so inevitably everyone turns around to stare at you and with that you feel the heat and tension that comes with being on the spotlight burning your face and basically your whole body. Shit.
"Come on Beca, get your tiny ass up here"
And if this were any other occasion, you would've waved your hand and casually retired to the darkest corner of the room or went on with your business like you didn't even knew they were talking to you. And if you had, perhaps, less alcohol in your system, you wouldn't even consider the idea of getting up there. And maybe if this were any other person asking, you would've hated them for doing this to you. But you don't. You don't hide and you don't hate Santana for it. Instead, you find yourself walking towards the stage as people cheer and whistle among you. You grab the microphone that Santana is handing you, and you stand next to her. You think about the last time you were on a stage. You remember it perfectly. The lights, the crowd, the Bellas, Chloe. And you recall that it was also the last time you sang in front of an audience. God, what are you doing.
"I'm going to fucking kill you" you whisper to Santana out of habit. But of course, she sees right through you and knows that you're not mad. You don't even know what you're feeling right now.
"Trust me. From our little girl talk just now, I could tell that you need it. Closure, I mean. And I might not be the right person but I guess I'll have to do for tonight" says Santana with a wink and then she's pointing her finger at the DJ. The track starts playing. You recognize the song. Of course. Now you get what Santana is trying to do here. She wants you to sing your heart out. It's ridiculous. As if by singing you could just magically fix everything that you broke. It's funny, actually, that you can't help but think that the whole situation is just so... Chloe. You can practically imagine the redhead dragging you to a stage to sing about your feelings. The thought alone suddenly warms your heart. You can also imagine the girl singing in a stage about her feelings, about how you broke her heart. Of course, none of that happened because you never got the chance to experience this things with Chloe. You never told her that you loved her, at least not the way you wanted to tell her, not in a way in which she could notice your real feelings for her.
"Come up to meet you
Tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are"
Santana sings the first verses and then she stares at you. She stares at you. Oh, shit. Your hands are shaking. You look at the screen in front of you to read the lyrics as if you didn't know the words by heart. You put the microphone close to your face.
"I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles; coming up tails
Heads on a science apart"
You signal Santana to take the chorus. You're not shaking anymore, at least not physically but certainly something inside you is trembling.
"Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start"
Santana is now looking at you, like she's making sure you're ready to break in. You think for a second about how she just nailed that chorus. You take a breath. You close your eyes, that are a little glassy, weird, and then you try to let it all out without, you know, letting it all out.
"I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science; science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh, and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
I'm going back to the start"
As you finish the song, you open your eyes. Realizing, just then, that you had them closed. People are clapping and cheering. Santana is looking at you with a smirk but at the same time with such gentleness, like she just proved a point but it's also moved by whatever just happened. You feel emotional and you can see in her eyes that she is too. Maybe she picked this song for a reason, maybe she herself used it for closure at some point. You sang that whole last part by yourself. You were waiting for Santana to break in but she didn't, so you let yourself give in. You've never been good at expressing your feelings. You're not good with words, at least not with those words that carry with them a whole lot of feelings. In that, and in a lot of aspects in your life, music has been your ally. Music talks for you, it talks to you. Maybe you were right, maybe doing this was ridiculous and not at all helpful. But maybe, Santana was right too. Okay, not maybe, she was, in a way, right. Because you sang to yourself, and you sang to Chloe, even when she wasn't there. Even when she'll never know about the feelings that you had -and still have- for her, you kind of let them all out tonight in that stage, through music, that was precisely the one thing that led her to you.
"Well that was a plot twist. Who knew alt-girl could sing and had a heart" Santana says as she chuckles and grabs your arm to lead you out of the stage and into the bar. You smile at her comment after she's turned around and you follow her through the crowd of people that are giving you both compliments for the performance. Santana stops suddenly and you walk to stand beside her. When you look at the two figures standing in front of Santana, you're the one to stop abruptly. You stop. Your breathing stops. Your heart stops. Everything stops.
"Hi, San. Wow, you guys that was awesome" speaks the tall blonde in front of Santana. You hear her voice like she's talking from miles away and it's not because of the music but because you're feeling like you could faint.
"So, this is Santana" Brittany speaks to the woman besides her, who's staring right back at you.
"And this is her friend, Beca" Brittany says pointing at you.
"So, guys, this is…"
"Chloe" you interrupt. You can't tell if it came as a whisper or as a yell. Because you feel like it came as a cry for help, as if you've been waiting for so long to say her name, to see her -you have- and maybe everyone saw it that way too because now the four girls are staring at you.
"Oh, cool, so you guys know each other. Less time breaking the ice and more time partying." Brittany is the one to break the silence and then she's dragging all of you to the bar. Santana grabs your arm and drags you to a corner.
"What the fuck was that. Tell me that there are two Chloe's in your life" Santana says to me.
There aren't.