Inside Kim's Mind
Jack just offered me so much more than I've been told I believe. Everyone is used to the bills side, things being paid on time. That's what happens when you live in a responsible family. what gets me is that they want to care for me.
"Kim?" Jack's voice softly breaks through. I guess I zoned out for a little bit there.
"Jack, if you and your parents are sure, only one-hundred percwnt sure, I accept," I give in, but I'm not sure I like it.
"I already talked to Shawn and Juliet this morning. Shawn said if you were interested, he'd pick us up and we'd grab your stuff from Luse's. The guest room is always set, so you'll be fine."
What do I say to him? He's offering me food, shelter and care. Jack and his family don't owe me anything and they're not asking for anything back. I know I need it, but I feel like I don't deserve it, you know?
"Okay," I give my final answer with an unsure smile. Jack smiles back assuringly, knowing I'm not cozy with it. Jack knows me betterty than I think I'm okay with sometimes.
"It's okay, Kim. You'll feel at home, I promise." I hope he's right, but I'm not so sure I'll ever feel at home in someone else's home. I didn't feel at home in my own.
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"Hey dad!" Jack greets Shawn with a genuine smile.
"Hey buddy," Shawn says back with a matching smile. "Hi Kim," he says to me too, large smile still in place.
"Hi Mr. Spencer. How are you?" I ask with a smile. I like Shawn, I really do. The amount of friendliness and warmth here is just a little much, you know? I'm not from the Brady Bunch, I'm afraid.
"I'm more swell than an intimidated pufferfish," Shawn tells me as he opens the car door for me. "Kim, let's go get your stuff from Lusa's. After that, you two can either go home or come grocery shopping with me. Jules didn't have anything in the house for dinner, so I have to buy food and cook it. Can you believe that?!" Shawn rambles and I can't help but giggle at him.
Jack catches me giggle and smiles lightly, a little gleam, I guess, in his eyes. He just looks happy to see me happy. Jack really does care. I know he does, I've known since we met. He just keeps proving it.
"Do you want to go shopping with dad, or do you just want to check out the house?" Jack offers. I never got choices at home!
"Uh..." Why do I feel pressured on such a minor decision? This can't be normal. I just need to remind myself that it's an actual option. It's not a trap. No one will be mad either way. "Which ever's easier for you, Mr. Spencer." BOOM! Nice cop out, Kim!
"Which ever's easiest for me? K.C., if I had a preference, that'd be game over. I'm offering because I don't care, and I didn't want to bore the hell out of you and Jack with the grocery store. Wait, do you need or want anything? Anything you can't eat? Anything you really want to eat?"
"I'm really not picky, Mr. Spencer." Even if I was, I'm not in a position to ask for anything.
"Oh, c'mon K.C.! First night at the new place and there's nothing special you want for your welcoming dinner?" Shawn asks, eyes raised. Holy crap. He means it. Shawn wants to throw me a baby welcome party.
"Really, whatever you want to do is fine, Mr. Spencer. I'm not really hungry anyway," I lie. I'm starving something fierce. I only had the school lunch since dinner last night.
"I remember you being a lot more fun..." Shawn tells me, looking down at me with narrowed eyes.
"Let's just go home," Jack suggests, probably seeing we weren't getting anything settled.
"Yeah, okay," I calmly agree, not wanting to do otherwise. I'm just going to do what I'm told and try to avoid any situations that involve decisions. It's not that I'm indecisive, I just don't feel like I'm in a position to make any.
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"I'll be back in just a minute, guys. Jack, show her around and what's what. Don't start doing anything because we'll have dinner as soon as Jules gets home," Shawn lays down what's what.
"Alright dad, see you in a bit," Jack waves as Shawn takes off. "Shawn seems to have forgotten that you've been over about a million times," Jack chuckles and I laugh a little, too.
"Did he forget, or is Shawn a ?" I ask, because his him, it's so hard to tell.
"Shawn's sharper than a tack. He's tryimg to make you feel easy, that's all. He's great at reading people. He knows you're nervous."
"I'm not nervpus," I scoff.
"Kim, you hate this. Don't lie to me." Damn it. "Do you need to talk anout anything?" Jack asks and I know he wants to help. He knows I need to talk.
"Can we talk later? I... I know I need to, but I need to get a grip, you know? It's like a bee hive."
"I understand," Jack tells me, refusing to break eye contact. "Can you be honest with me on one thing right now?" I really don't want to. "Are you okay?"
I expected that, that's the question I didn't want! Jack took me in, he deserves an answer. I don't want to give him an answer he doesn't want. I don't want to give him or his parents more trouble than I'm already being. I want to lie. I want to tell Jack I'm just fine. I don't want to tell Jack I added three more little red lines to my arm. I don't want to tell Jack that I feel alone, that I feel like I'm drowning alone and there's no one coming to drqg me to shore. I don't want to tell, him but I need to tell someone that I just can't... URGH!
"Hey, c'mere," Jack tells me, pulling me into a hug. I can't help but hug him back as I feep my knees go weqk and my chin start to quiver. I hate crying. I fucking. Hate. It. I'm strong, damn it. I haven't cried since Mr. Martin died, and here I am, getting Jack's black and navy blue striped v-neck damp.
"Do you want to sit down?" Jack asks and I just nod. He guides me by the shoulders to the living room and sits me down on the couch. He sits next to me and watches me cry. He doesn't touch me or say anything. He knows not to.
"I just need a minute," I whisper as I try to compose myself. My arm itches a little bit from my latest set of cuts, but I try to ignore it because Jack doesn't know about it.
"Take all the time you need," Jack says, folding his hands together.
"Sorry, Jack," I apologise as I get myself back under control.
"Why are you sorry?" Of course Jack is too sweet to see what I'm talking about.
"This," I say, pointing to my face. "I'm not even here for ten minutes and I'm ctying on your couch," I laugh, but ot even sounds forced.
"Kim, I didn't ask if you wanted to stay here just for a place to sleep. I asked if you wanted to so me and my parents can help you. You need help now more than ever. It'll be a while before you're ready to talk, and we all get that. Please, just come find me, or Shawn or Juliet when you need someone."
"Okay, I will," I promise. I want to hug him again, but you know how much I hate coming off as needy. And aren't I supposed to go to my boyfriend for hugs? That's not Jack's job.
"Good. We should work on homework until dinner. Then we can do whatever after," Jack more or less lays down how it goes here.
"Okay," I agree easily, picking myself up off the couch. I don't know what to say now. The air between us is awkward already, thanks to me. I need to say something, but I have know idea how to warm things back up between us.
"Hey Kim," Jack grabs my attention, stopping me from digging into my backpack.
"Yeah?" I ask, standing up and turning to face him.
"I'm really glad you're here. I... I know feelings and stuff aren't our specialty, but I have to admit that I'm worried about you." I open my mouth to speak, but Jack holds up his hand and stops me. "You don't need to say anything."
"Yeah I do. Thank you, Jack." That's all I really need to say. Jack was right when he said emotions really aren't our thing. I think they're mine a little more than they're his, but we don't over indulge. He's still wearing the bracelet I made him the day he hit his head and lost his memory. I dropped that I thought of him as more than a friend that day.
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"Jack, Kim, supper's ready!" Juliet called up the stairs and I couldn't help but freeze. Shawn and Juliet made dinner, got it all set and everything without me. I can't just go down there and dig in on food I have no right to and did nothing for!
"You know what, Jack? You go ahead and eat," I tell him, not looking up from my algebra. "I'm not all that hungry," I lie. I'm fucking starving.
"Are you sure?" Jack asks, watching me skeptically.
"Yeah, I'm good. Promise," I smile assuringly. Yup, I'm a fucking liar!
"Alright. I'm sure there'll be leftovers if you're hungry later," Jack says with a little smile and leaves me in his bedroom.
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I'm just about done with my homework for the evening when there's a knock on Jack's door."
"It's open!" I call with a laugh, thinking it's just Jack being Jack.
The door opens and it's Juliet, Jack's adoptive mother. "Hey girl!" Juliet says with a smile, genuinely happy to see me. She always seems to be.
"Hi Mrs. Spencer," I reply just as pleasantly. A lot of moms try to be cool around their kids' friends, I guess, but Juliet really is just the coolest.
"Why didn't you come down for dinner?" she asks, a little pout on her lips. That right there is enough to make me feel bad.
"I just wasn't very hungry," I say, trying to not sound full of shit like I know I am.
"Sticking with that story?" Juliet challenges me. "When Jack comes home he's like a wild animal in the kitchen. You're trying to tell me you're not only not hungry, but that you don't want my homemade lasagna?"
She's got my number. As already stated, my empty stomach is grinding wall against wall. I have to swallow to rid my mouth of the saliva building up just at the idea of Shawn and Juliet's lasagna.
"Care to tell me why you're not eating?" Juliet keeps pressing. I can tell she's not mad, she's just not understanding.
I bite my lip and try to ignore my cuts again. They always seem to scratch more when I'm in a tight spot.
"Kim?" Juliet asks softly, closing the door and coming to sit next to me. "Can you please try to talk to me?" She starts gently rubbing my back. "What's going on? You can tell me."
Juliet's voice is so sweet, so earnest, I know I can trust her. It's just... it's so hard to push myself to talk.
"I... I didn't help with dinner," I say quietly, just above a whisper.
"You skipped dinner because you didn't help make it? Why would you do that?"
"Because I can't just come here, into your lives and do nothing while you take care of me when none of this is your fault," I push out in one big rusj. If I didn't, I don't think I would have been able to get it out.
"Oh, no Kim!" Juliet coos, pulling me into her side for a hug. "Please don't see it like that."
"That's the only way I see this. I'm a burden, Mrs. Spencer. You didn't kick me out, you didn't tell me to run away. You all took me in, and I am beyond thankful, but I can't just stay here."
The door opens and Shawn and Jack invite themselves in. What the hell is this? Some kind of TV show?
"K.C., I know this whole situation is the most TV thing you've ever been in," Shawn may be psychic... "but we were listening through the door. We had to come in and tell you that you're absolutely wrong. You're not a burden. Yes, you're another mouth to feed when Jules can get you to eat, you're one more shower a day, but you're not a burden. You need to learn a lot, buty we're happy to help." This is easily the most sincere I've ever seen Shawn.
"I'm sorry I'm coming to you as such a child. My mom and dad didn't really teach me anything. They just never really cared to. I can't even do my own laundry," I admit, staring at my hands. I feel like a five year old.
"It's okay, Kim. We'll help you. We'll teach you how to take care of yourself, we'll find you a job. We'll get you on your feet. You don't have anything to feel bad about," Juliet tells me, her hand still on my back.
"I won't just leach, guys, I swear. I want to learn how to care for myself. I don't want to have to rely on anyone. I will absolutely clean up after myself and help with chores and stuff. When I get a job I'll pay rent." There's so much I want to do and I don't want to take anything away from Jack and his family.
"That sounds great, Kim, but we need to make sure you're okay, too. Like I said, you can talk to me, to any of us," Juliet smiles.
"We have your back, Kim. Now please, can you go eat some dinner?" Jack sounds like he's begging, like it's his stomach that's rumbling.