Inside Jack's Head
So that went about the way I figured. I knew Kim would say what she did. I knew. When you find out Kim Crawford likes you, though, you have to look into it.
I think I could have done better than to just leave like that, though. That leaves a negative impression, doesn't it? I also left my drink behind.
I'm downstairs in my parents' basement, using the black Everlast heavy bag when I hear the front door close. I stop my routine and listen to the tiny footsteps above me.
I shrug to myself and go back to it. My body and karate won't upkeep themselves.
I hear the basement door open, and then the creaking of the old wooden stairs. I can almost hear each little indentation on each step getting deeper. Kim's trying to be as mouse-like as possible, but this old House makes everyone seem like an elephant.
"Jack?" Kim asks quietly, watching me from the bottom step, trying to see me under the low hanging wooden support beams.
"What?" I ask without any emotion in my voice, my heavy breathing and measured strikes echoing off the concrete floors.
"Are you okay? You told me you are, but I could tell you weren't."
"We're cool, Kim, just like I said," I assure her.
"Are we?"
"What do you want from me?!" I shout as I drive a roundhouse into the top of the bag. I turn to look at her, my eyebrows raised to show I'm waiting.
"I… I don't really know!" she raised her voice back. "Let's talk about it. What did you expect? Do you like me back? There's no way what happened in the coffee shop is end of story!"
"Why are you so flustered?" I ask, leaning on the bag, my forearm over the vinyl top for balance. "Do you want me to like you back? What the fuck would that help?"
"I don't know, Jack!" Kim is fully shouting at me know.
"Yes you do, Kim! You came down for a reason. Are you trying to hurt me? Are you trying to rub in that douche knuckle has you and I don't? Are you so insecure right now that you need me to tell you when it's so fucking obvious? You want me to tell you I like you so you have a reason to leave here? What is it, Kim?!" I'm absolutely trembling right in front of her, and she seems to have shrunk down to three feet.
Tears are streaking down her face now. I just absolutely pulled off the kid gloves and tore her apart in my fucking basement. I feel like a monster, but I don't want my emotions to be treated like a cat's yarn ball. I've been through hell, too, and I'm trying to help her with hers.
Kim breaks into sobs and sinks down to sit on the bottom step. She runs her little hands through her long blonde hair and looks up at me with helpless brown eyes. What the fuck am I supposed to do with her?
Yeah, she absolutely needs to drop Brett like a hot rock. She needs someone who can care for her and make her feel self worth after everything she's been through and while she's going through all this. She needs to work that out herself. I even called him a 'douche knuckle,' whatever the fuck that is.
"Come find me when you know what you want me to be," I say softly. That's a cold thing to say, I know. I can only help her. This is her life. I can't tell her what to do, and I can't pull any triggers for her. She's a smart girl. She just needs to pull her head out of her ass. It could take a while and she might need help with it, but I won't do what Milton said he thought I was doing. I won't direct Kim right to me.
I've been on the couch watching TV for a few hours now. It's midnight and Shawn and Juliet already got home and went to bed an hour ago. Kim never came out of the basement.
I get up off the thick cushioned emerald green couch in my living room and take the few steps into the kitchen. The linoleum tile is cold on my bare feet, but I want to check on Kim.
I open the door and peek down the stairs to see where she is. You know that thing when people say they're heart drops to their shoes? That doesn't happen. My heart is pumping in overdrive and feels a lot heavier, though. Why? Because Kim is still sitting on the bottom, dusty ass step with her head lulled to the side and resting on the old wooden hand railing. I can hear the occasional, faintest snore every other second or so. She probably cried until she fell asleep. While I was upstairs watching TV and brooding.
I sigh deeply and try to tiptoe down the steps that probably should have rotted out years ago. I swear the basement is the only crappy part of the house.
Ever so carefully, I worm one arm over Kim's shoulder and the other under her legs. This is a narrow staircase, not even able to fit two people down at one time. With more care than I've ever done anything with before, I scoop up Kim and bring her to my chest. She nestles into me and puts her delicate hand on my shoulder. There's no way she knows she's doing it, and that innocence is clawing into my heart. She just told me we're friends, the friendzoning I saw coming, I just blew up all over her until she fell asleep while crying, and I just lost the fight on trying to pretend she's not absolutely adorable right now. I fucking hate my life right now.
With Kim safely cradled in my arms, I start back up the stairs. It's a total bitch because I'm doing it backwards. I just don't have the room to turn around. It's the longest flight of stairs ever at this moment, but I just made it to the top! And she's still sleeping, peaceful as ever.
Walking through the rest of the house is a breeze because Kim isn't heavy at all. I think she'd kill me even if I thought otherwise. Tiptoeing through the house even in the dead of night is no problem, but maneuvering Kim up the three flights of stairs may be tricky. It's really one with three turns, but whatever. Again, it's a narrow staircase. People must have been a lot smaller when this place was built.
Kim's room is at the end of the short hall to the left. She's still dead to the world, so I think I can get her to bed without waking her.
I get to her room like I know I could and I push past the thick but mostly wooden door. Kim doesn't have a lot in here, or at least not yet. She has a single mattress pushed against the wall, under the window she has already open. She has a little dresser and her school stuff next to it. There's a little sky blue maple desk with an old TV and a DVD player hooked up to it. The room feels almost like a prison cell, but it's a work in progress.
I crouch down in front of Kim's mattress and pull the green sheet as well as the black and silver fluffy comforter back. I lay her down as gently as I can and her in. As I stand back up, I realize just how little I know what to do.
I want this girl. I can't lie about that and it's already out of the bag to her, thanks to Shawn. But I think she already knew. She had to have. Just like I've known since my first competition with the Wasabis that she likes me, too. And we're in the same house together. And she's in a one sided relationship.
"Jack?" Kim's sleepy voice grabs my attention and… fuck. I'm still just standing over her like some kind of creep. "Did you put me to bed?" she asks as she sits up.
"Yeah, I did. I couldn't just leave you to sleep in the basement." She pats the mattress next to her and I plop down. "Are you mad at me?" I have to ask.
"No. You were right. I should have just left things where they were. I'm sorry I pushed. You weren't alright, but there's nothing I can do about it…" Kim trails off sadly.
"Kim, don't beat yourself up. We missed our shot, if we had one. Did we have one?" This is my not so subtle way of asking her if she likes me back.
"I don't think we did, Jack. I'll admit… I like you, too. And I can't blame you for us not being together. We like each other, and as soon as I thought I was ready to date, Brett was right there."
"How did your dad feel about it?" I want to ask her why she accepted, but I can't ask that.
Kim rubs her chin and huffs. "Oddly enough, he was okay with it. It was one of the few things he trusted my judgement on."
I don't know what to say. I know what I want to say, but not what I can. I want to ask, 'and how's that going for you?' Am I a dick for thinking it.
"I wish… he wouldn't have let me," Kim mumbles, but I still catch it. "I wasn't ready to start dating at fifteen. Now… now I'm paying for it."
"Kim, are you okay?" Is that a stupid question?
"I don't think so… maybe?" Kim asks, turning to look at me. She doesn't know if she's allowed to say no? She doesn't know if she's okay? I could get that.
"What do you mean?" I finally ask her.
"If you're talking about us, then yes, I think I'm okay. If you're talking about how I'm doing in general, like, the whole picture… then no, I don't think I'm okay." Okay. I think I can work with this.
"Talk to me. What's going on?"
Kim sighs and looks at her little hands. "I'm trying, Jack. I'm helping out here, I'm doing good at school, I have a job now, thanks to you. But I just can't… I can't shake how lonely I am," Kim whispers like it's something to be ashamed of. "I still feel like I'm not worth the time of day."
My eyes are trained on her hands now, watching her fingers interlock then separate. The way she runs the back of her own hand in a soothing motion. She's trying to calm herself down in the same way a close friend or a significant other would. But she's doing it herself. It's heart breaking.
"Kim, anything I can tell you is so much easier said than done to the point that I won't even tell you. All I can say is that you may feel alone, but you're not. You do have a lot of people that care. You have people that care a lot."
Kim just sits there. Staring. She won't break eye contact and I don't know what's happening. Did I piss her off? Do I need to say more? Did I say to much? Should I leave?
"It's late and we both had a long day. I'll see you tomorrow, Kim." I stand to leave, but Kim takes my hand. I stop and look down at her expectantly. She stopped me for a reason.
"Jack…" Kim stops and keeps staring at me. She opens her mouth to speak but not a sound comes out. I can't leave her alone tonight.
With her hand still holding onto mine, I'm able to stretch enough to quietly close her door. I drop onto her bed and get in next to her as she scoots closer to the wall.
I could ask to make sure I'm reading her right, but that might just make it awkward. Instead, I lay down next to her and she pulls the blanket over the two of us. We're both fully clothed, and that's probably for the best, right?
"You don't mind staying with me tonight?" Kim asks sheepishly, the two of us staring into each other's eyes. It's dark as hell in here, but I can see the orange glow from the street lights so I know where I'm looking. She must be drawn to mine somehow, because I know she's looking right into me.
"Not at all," I whisper. I'm not whispering because it's late, but because I… I don't know. I feel like we have a good atmosphere here, but it's fragile, you know?
"Have you and Brett ever slept in the same bed?" I find myself asking, and now I hate myself for it.
"Oh god no!" Kim giggles, and I find myself smiling. "Chuck never would have been cool with it. Mr. Prude would have killed Brett and grounded me until death. Brett's never let us get in a situation like that anyway."
"But you're okay with this?" Shut up, Jack! Wait, no, I'm good. This might be something Kim needs to talk about.
"Yeah, I am. I trust you, and you seem to be the only one who's constantly here for me," Kim tells me in the hushed tone we've been keeping. "Oh no," Kim says and tenses up. Her eyes drop down and now I feel like I did something to hurt her.
"What is it?" I ask hurriedly.
"I'm using you. I'm so sorry. I'm being so selfish with your time. You've been putting so much time into me and I've just been taking, taking, taking."
"Hey, relax. I'm here because I want to be. You're not using me. I outstretched a hand and you took it because we're friends. Nothing's going to change that." I don't know if saying 'friends' was wrong, but the whole message wasn't.
"I don't know how to say thank you enough without saying it a million times," Kim says with a giggle because 'real' talks are still pretty new to us. We've always been there for each other, but the heart to hearts haven't always been our thing.
"Don't worry about it. Just pay it forward. Now go to sleep," I tell her. My next question is do I stay all night, or make my getaway when she's sound asleep?