Inside Kim's Head
Jack's still here, I notice as I rub the sleep from my eyes. He's out like a light. I'm going to get up and get on with my Sunday. The Sunday paper, if I can wrestle it from Juliet, has the housing and rent section that I need.
Yes, I'm going to start looking for my own place. I think I can take care of myself, and with the tension between me and Jack… I think it's for the best.
I'm all dressed and ready to do relatively nothing. I'm not expecting anything too crazy today. I think it'll be a while before me and Jack have another talk of consequence. Maybe we can do something with the guys. Maybe just the two of us can watch a movie here.
I head downstairs and Juliet's in the kitchen, paper in hand like I expected.
"Morning, Kim," Juliet says with a beaming smile. "Both the boys are still asleep," she tells me, completely unaware that me and Jack shared a bed. Again, nothing happened.
"That's good. It's Sunday. They should be taking it easy," I say with a yawn as I reach into the oak cupboard and pull out a Seaford police department mug.
"What about you?" Juliet asks, tilting her head to the side. "What are you doing up early?"
"I don't know how I got up so early," I tell her honestly. I really shouldn't be awake before 9:00 a.m. This is some bullshit! This little black eight cup coffee pot helps.
"Paper?" Juliet asks, half of it outstretched now. She must have caught me staring at it.
"Thanks," I smile and take it as I sit down at the emerald green tile kitchen counter next to her.
"When did you start reading the paper? Not that that's bad! I think it's great," she backpedals before I can take the question the wrong way. Not that I would.
"I think it's a good habit for me to get into. I should have a while ago. The Wasabis end up in it often enough, but I never read about it," I say and laugh at my own joke.
"You guys are, aren't you?" Juliet laugh as she flips the page of the Seaford Sun. "I'm proud of you kids. When you're in the paper it's because you end up stopping crime, not because you're committing it." Juliet smiles at me and gives me a gentle and supportive shoulder rub.
"Thank you, Juliet. That means a lot." It really does. "We're still not in it as much as Shawn." That guy's all over the Sun.
"My man keeps busy," Juliet smiles. "How's your man?" Juliet keeps smiling and elbows my arm.
"Eh," I shrug. I don't really know what else to give her.
"Trouble in paradise?" Juliet asks, her tone quickly switching to worried.
"What's paradise?" I grumble as I take a sip of my black Folgers coffee.
"Things haven't been the same since you left home, huh?" Juliet's hand hasn't left my shoulder, and I'm actually thankful. Juliet's care for me means so much. I can't even describe it.
"We haven't been great for a while if I'm being honest with myself," I admit.
"What's going on?" Juliet rests her chin in her palm, telling me I have her full attention.
"He's just… a stick in the mud, you know? We never get time together, and it's great when we do, but it's so far in between. And when we're together, he's more of a friend, you know? A good friend, but not much of a boyfriend." This is coming out easier than I expected. The power of girl talk, I guess.
"He's not very affectionate?" Juliet guesses and nails it.
"Oh god no!" I say through a laugh. "I'm not asking for much, but the dude doesn't get how cuddles work. Me curling into his side and him not even trying to put his arm around me isn't cuddles, Juliet!"
"No, it's not," Juliet puffs out her cheeks and exhales slowly. "You're cute as a button, Kim, so it's definitely not your fault."
"I'm starting to wonder if he finds me attractive," I admit. "He never tells me I'm pretty. He never calls me beautiful and I always initiate physical contact."
"I hear you. Without going into details that will make you want to remove your own brain, me and Shawn have quite the opposite problem. Have you tried talking to Brett about it?" She's really on a roll today.
"No, I haven't. I can try."
"Do you two talk about, well… you two, very often?"
"Not really, no." I'm starting to feel like an idiot. "He never brings anything up and I'm always nervous to. You know I'm not good opening up and stuff."
"You're in a relationship, Kim. If you want it to survive, you need to be able to talk things out. Communication really is important."
Juliet's doing that thing where she's being more of a mom than I've ever had. I'm torn, really. My belly hurts. It's flippy floppy because I appreciate her more than I can express, but it also kinda hurts that she's not my mom and that I had to leave mine to get the help most girls have right at home. Does that make sense? Am I wrong, or is this just my fucked up and battered head?
"Kim, honey? Are you okay?" Juliet asks, waving a hand in front of my face.
"What? Oh, yeah," I lie.
"Are you sure? You don't look great."
I don't know how to touch this. I don't want to lie, not with this. I don't want to drop that on her, though. I don't want to play self inflicted Orphan Annie.
"Come on, Kim. What's going on?" Juliet presses quietly, a hand rubbing little circles on my back.
"You're more of a mom to me than my mom is, and I've only been here less than a week." Let's go with truth. Why not, right? It's Juliet, after all.
She wraps me in a hug that I didn't see coming, but I don't waist any time in hugging her back.
"Thank you so much for being here for me when you don't have to be," I whisper into her beautiful blonde hair that falls around her shoulders.
"Of course," she whispers back and pulls me tighter. "Remember honey, we adopted Jack. Helping you kids is just who we are."
"That makes you two so much better." I'm starting to wonder if trying to strike out on my own is such a good idea anymore. I mean, yeah I've always been impulsive, but maybe this is too much too soon? Do I bring it up with Juliet? Should I ask Shawn, knowing the kind of guy he is?
"Talk to me any time," Juliet offers and pulls back from the hug as Shawn comes into view from across the house. It's a wide open shot from the living room to the kitchen with a big window so we can even see outside.
"I will," I smile and go back to my coffee as Shawn comes in.
"Morning, Babe," Shawn greets his wife with a smile and a kiss. "Mornin' K.C."
"Morning, Shawn," I respond with a smile to match his.
"Reading the paper are we? Moving up in the world?" Shawn asks with a raised brow as he grabs a mug for himself.
"Yeah, just looking into some things," I tell him calmly, not so sure that I am.
"Like moving?" he counters just as coolly.
"How did you know?" I'm honestly lost here.
"I passed by your room to slide something under Jack's door and saw yours was open. Not only was Jack asleep in your bed," Shawn tosses out and Juliet's eyes jump straight to me, wide and blue, "I also saw your duffel bag on the floor, a pair of pants half in and half out. Your paper's also open to the rentals page." I hate Shawn sometimes.
"When were you going to tell me about this?" Juliet asks, her jaw dropping and hurt in her eyes.
"I was just about to," I say sadly, the paper still in front of me, now staring me down. "I…"
"You're leaving already?" Jack is still in the living room and I can hear the anger in his voice. "Kim, you can't."
"Jack's right, K.C. You're nowhere near ready," Shawn crossed his arms and shakes his head.
"You can't afford it, it'd be really stressful with you in school. And right now, I just don't think being on your own is what's best for you." Juliet sighs and takes my hands in hers.
"We're not trying to be your parents, K.C."
I close my eyes and nod my head. "I know. I just want to prove to myself I can make it. I don't want to owe anybody anything."
"I get that," Jack adds in a mumbled, his eyes focused on the navy blue dining room carpeting he's standing on. "But Kim, I don't think you're ready yet either. I swear I'm not being selfish," he adds his hands going up beside his head, allowing me to see the sharp cut off his bicep from under his t-shirt sleeve.
I catch myself before Jack can catch me looking and I bring myself to the matter at hand. "What do you mean? Why would I think you were being selfish?"
Jack sighs deeply and runs a calloused hand through his neck length chocolate brown hair. His equally brown eyes flash to me and then to Shawn and Juliet. "I feel the same way Kim does."
"You want to leave, too?" Juliet asks, her voice threatening to crack.
Shawn's by Juliet's side, his hands working her neck and shoulders from over her black blouse. "Honey, let Jack explain before you get all teary eyed, okay?" he asks and kisses the top of her head. I'm not used to Shawn being a voice of reason.
"I know where Kim is coming from, he begins and comes around into the kitchen. "You guys adopted me, and I can't speak for every adopted child, but while you two feel like my parents…" Jack sighs again and scratches his hairless chin. I think he doesn't know how to say it. I put my hand on his forearm, trying to let him know he can say anything he needs to here. He nods and says, "I always feel like I'm on borrowed time."
"I hear that," I mumble, and Jack puts a hand over mine. "Shawn, Juliet, the two of us can never thank you enough for the kindness you've given us, which is why we can't stay here more than is absolutely necessary. Jack is your adopted son, but I'm just… Kim," I sigh and look between the three of them. "I'm a girl you took in because I need help and you're the best candidate to help me. But as soon as I can fly on my own, I need to do that."
"Me and Jules haven't talked about this yet, K.C., but I think we'd both be okay with calling you our daughter." Did I just hear Shawn right?
"Did… did you just offer…" I don't know what happened to my mind just now, but the thing just up and shut the fuck down!
"Offer to adopt you?" Juliet's question half answers my own. "Yes Shawn did, and I'm okay with it," she confirms. Damn those emotional blue eyes of hers! She's worse than a puppy!
I turn to Jack and he's just as stunned as I am.
"Hold the fuck up a minute," Jack says, seeming calm. He walks out on us! I think we all expected to rehash something so we all know we're clear, but he's going upstairs now!
Oh shit. This is too much. Jack doesn't want this. He doesn't want me here, does he? He was okay with a temporary fix, but Shawn and Juliet are talking adoption now? I'm seventeen why even bother? Am I the only one confused as hell right now? I have parents, and I think I hate them, so another set probably isn't a great idea. And what would that make me and Jack? And what about the part where Jack being adopted and all, still feels like he needs to go soon? How would adopting me help anything? Do they think that's going to make me feel more at home here? Would it? I just… can't… urgh!
I'm still stunned. My body doesn't seem to want to move. Juliet and Shawn look just as stunned by everything that's happened. It's not even 10:00 in the morning. Do I go after Jack? Should Shawn or Juliet? Do I talk to them more?
My heart says go to Jack. My head says don't move. When have I ever listened to my head?
I slowly slide off the stool and leave Shawn and Juliet to work out whatever's ahead of them now. They're adults. They don't need me right now.
I slowly climb the old creamy blue painted stairs, trying not to creak. I pad my way across the hall and softly knock on Jack's door. I don't know if he wants to talk, so I figure I shouldn't just barge in.
I wait… and wait… and wait. I don't think he's going to… just then he opens the door. My heart just skipped a beat, I think. I don't know how to feel about that.
"Yeah?" Jack asks. I think he's trying to sound neutral to all this.
"Are you okay?" I ask weakly, rubbing my upper right arm. Are you okay? Really, Kim? That's what you're going with?
"Yeah," Jack says with the same tone and nods. This is going so well. "You?"
"I… I don't know…" I admit, staring at my bare feet. "I'm really confused right now."
"You seem to be a lot lately, but I'm not surprised," Jack tells me and scratches the back of his neck, just below the base of his skull.
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"You're going through some pretty crazy shit right now, huh?"
"You could say that," I say with a light smile, the air between me and Jack seeming to clear a little. "This morning is more than I expected, but it's my fault."
"Get in here," Jack says and kinda tugs me in, closing the door behind me. "What do you mean it's your fault?" Jack asks with crossed arms and an unsure look. I think he's getting ready to call bullshit.
"Well, me and Juliet started talking, and we somehow got to talking about Brett, and the trainwreck we kind of are right now, and then Shawn came and blew open the thing about me leaving, and then you were like 'I'ma leave too soon.' Then Shawn and Juliet drop an adoption bomb outta nowhere then you left, and I'm here thinking you either don't know what to think or you actually hate me and don't want me to stay… but looking at your eyes right now… you're smiling… and shaking your head…" What's happening? "You think I'm an idiot?" I guess. "Jack, why are you getting closer?" I can't breathe.
"Kim, I don't know what I'm feeling either. I just know that whatever it is… you're at the center of it."