Assuming Kim

Well that just happened. I just broke up with Brett. I saw this coming from a mile away a month ago, so I'm really not shocked. I feel like I should be devastated, given that I just ended my first ever relationship. I won't say I feel liberated as I walk home right now. I don't feel heavier or enlightened. I feel just like I did before, and that actually worries me a bit.

The sky's still blue, the pavement's still black, the leaves on the trees in the neighbors' yards are still green. I'm still depressed as all hell, but I expected that, too. Brett's just one more person I don't need in my life, and he didn't need me. I'm oddly okay with all of this. I wanted to be wanted. I wanted to be needed, but after feeling tossed aside and so fucking trampled for the last year or so, it wasn't hard to let go of the idea. I wasn't even holding on with both hands. I came into this situation today holding onto less than a strand of hope. God damn it do I wish I wouldn't have cried, though. I didn't think I had to until the final words actually came out.

It's a quick walk home, and I find myself in front of the little stone path that leads up to the front door. Yup, the house is still the same. Funny how dropping a boy didn't change the world at all for me, but girls at school are distraught whenever their little dates don't go perfectly. Have they ever been stood up twice, been rain checked for Valentine's Day and their second anniversary date cut short for their boyfriend's practice? I ain't crying over shit anymore. That little bit of crying was a fluke, I'll tell myself that all I want.

I'm in my bedroom just laying on my bed, staring at the ceiling. It's a boring ceiling to stare at. There's no tiles to count or anything. It's just white and dull. I really need a distraction from the circles running in my head right now. Just little what ifs. What if I gave it more time? Could I have tried to give Brett some kind of ultimatum? Would I want to be in a relationship with a guy that would do such a thing? Oh god… if I just broke up with Jack, what's to keep us apart except the idea of him being a rebound? Would he be a rebound or was the idea of a boy like him the thing in my head that was the final straw in my decision? I don't feel like he'd be a rebound. But would he feel like a rebound? Jack Brewer isn't a second choice kind of guy, and I would never want him to feel like one. I need some air!

I get off my bed and open the door to see Jack standing there, his hand raised like he's about to knock. "Hey."

"Hey," he says back simply, dropping his rm and sliding his hand into the pocket of his jeans. "I was bored and was wondering if you wanted to maybe get something to eat? We could grab lunch or ice cream or coffee? You probably don't want to go for coffee since you work in a coffee shop. Well, a book and a coffee shop…" I could cut off Jack from his ramblings, it's absolutely endearing and I love it. It's actually just what I needed.

"I would love to, Jack, but I don't have any money right now. I'm not even close to my first paycheck, and I've been hiding my tips around the house in weird places for Shawn to find. It's like a game because he finds a dollar here and there, and he gets all excited like a big kid," I explain.

"When have I ever suggested you pay for anything?" Jack laughs. It's true. I don't know how Brett never got jealous, the way me and Jack have always been. I wonder if maybe he was jealous and that led to how far we drifted. Maybe he never cared that much about me? Here I go again with the circles and the what ifs.

"That was before I was living in your spare bedroom, Jack," I don't know why I'm arguing about this. Wasn't I just saying I needed a distraction? Jack's giving me one and I'm quickly swatting it away. If I say yes though, I'll seem totally indecisive. Aren't I though?

"We can find something to do that doesn't cost money," Jack suggests and I like the idea of where he's going. "There's those free concerts in the park, There's one of those today at 3:00."

"It's… 12:30," I say, checking the time on my phone.

"Great! That gives us time for lunch!" Jack exclaims and tugs me out of my room. I can't put up a fight now that he has me openly laughing. Leave it to Jack Brewer to get a girl laughing the same day she just broke up with her long-term boyfriend. Aren't I supposed to be cursing every male alive right now?

"Oh my god, fine!" I yield through my laughter. "Where do you want to go?"

"Guess." I hate when he does this.

"Uh… Circus Burger?" First place that came to mind.

"We are now." I have to laugh again at Jack's proud smirk, the one he gets every time he thinks he's clever.

We get to the mall and hop out of Jack's car and head straight in. I'm bringing up memories from freshman year because it's light and fun. That's what I need right now. I don't want to think about sad things. My mind keeps going back to Brett because freshman year wasn't bad for us. It was actually really nice, like I had told Brett earlier today. Great. I'm bringing myself to what I didn't want to think about just by thinking about not thinking about it. What the frickity fuck is that shit?

"Hey, you okay down there?" Jack asks, lightly nudging my shoulder. I look up at him and see worry in his eyes. I'm going to let him know. He's been so good to me so far, except with last night, but I don't want to go into that. It sucked, but I think I needed to get chewed out.

"Yeah," I say with a smile, nudging him back. "I'm just trying not to think about Brett." Jack frowns and now I'm sorry for telling him because he's upset. I'm crashing at every turn.

"Today didn't go well, did it?" Jack slowly extends his arm and his fingers reach out even slower. He touches my hair and tucks it behind my ear. I close my ears and turn my head. I find myself wanting his touch more than not, but I can't. I can't take him right now. That would make us both look bad. Not only that, but I need to make sure I really am okay before me and Jack do anything. I would be absolutely devastated if I wasn't and Jack got hurt. I can feel that me and Jack have a future, but I can't risk us doing anything right now.

"No it didn't. Me and Brett… we're done," I tell him and keep walking. I don't have to look back to know he's walking right behind me. I don't think he's going to say anything. What would he say? 'I'm sorry?' 'Good?' There are some things that don't really need a response.

"Need to talk about it?" That's not what I expected.

"Jack, I really appreciate it, but since when has relationship stuff been your thing?" I chuckle a little, trying to lighten the mood. I hope he doesn't think it was an insulting laugh. I need to think before I speak or verbalize instead of after.

"When it's you." Damn. "I don't need to talk. I can see it in your eyes that you need to vent, though." Venting does sound really nice. I forget that Jack is actually really perceptive. He just shows it so little. He must have learned it from Shawn.

"If I'm going to vent, can we go to the dojo instead of to Circus Burger?" I feel like it's better to lose my shit at the dojo than in a public eatery.

"Of course," Jack smiles. I think he's just happy that I'm allowing myself to talk to not just anyone, but to him.

It's a short walk to the dojo, and because Jack is teaching a class now, he has a key to get us in. He flicks on the light and I immediately go to wrap my hands. Jack does the same, probably not knowing what we'll be doing. I don't exactly know. Do I want to fight him or the bag. When Jack takes a defensive stance, he knows I need to really lose steam. He's willing to be my aggression receptacle.

"Okay. Start where you're ready, when you're ready," Jack offers and he starts our little spar with a testing jab.

"It was me that asked Brett out." Front kick.

"Really?" Simple block by pushing my foot down.

"Yeah. It was by his locker in freshman year. He was on the floor digging through the bottom of his locker for a book. I was about to go to my class, and something told me to stop. So I did." Snap kick which Jack jumps back from. "I walked over to him and simply asked if he wanted to do something with me later like grab coffee. He smiled and said yes." Roundhouse blocked by inside axe kick.

"That's actually pretty sweet." Jack smiles and throws a jab that I block with a simple right arm front block.

"Yeah. Things were nice when we first started. Brett's always had a busy schedule, but we were able to squeeze in little dates," I explain. Jump front kick that Jack shuffles backward to avoid.

"When did things start to change?"

"When my family life started getting worse. My dad started drinking more and he got worse. He and my mom were fighting more and it was starting to affect me. I developed depression, and… I started having a harder time fighting it, you know?" I begin to sniffle and I really don't know where it came from. "I started cutting. I felt like my parents didn't want me, and as my mood kept falling, so did the good times me and Brett had." This whole story is just rolling out now. "I started feeling like I was too much for Brett to handle, which I guess I m. He shouldn't have to, right? Why the fuck would he want a girl who cuts and wakes up depressed as hell every morning? I try so fucking hard to come off as okay every day when I'm really not. I thought I could tell him because that's what people in relationships do, right?" I'm trembling now and my chest is rising and falling with my increased breathing. What the fuck is this? I feel light and almost heavy at the same time. I'm so fucking confused.

"Kim, are you okay? Breathe," Jack coaches and I try to do what he said.

"I just feel so fucking worthless, Jack." My words come back. "My parents didn't want me. I wasn't worth them stopping the fight for. I wasn't worth the effort to Brett. I'm terrified of relationships now because of what Mom and Dad went through, and how Brett made me feel. I'm only seven-fucking-teen, Jack!" I feel tears gathering behind my eyes, trying to escape. "I shouldn't be afraid of love!"

The tears fall fast and hard and I screw my eyes shut. I try to turn so Jack can't see my face, but I feel his strong hand grab my shoulder and turn me back towards him. He pulls me into a tight hug and literally lifts me off my feet.

"They're all idiots," he whispers into my hair. "All of them. You're precious."

I don't know what made me sit down and write this chapter in one go until… 1:12 a.m., but anyways, here ya go..