The song for this chapter is, fittingly, "Christmas" by Olivia Holt. It's a beautiful cover.
Assuming Kim
Do you know that feeling of when you think you're going to cry, but you haven't? That thing where your throat feels like it's closing up, where you think you're gagging or, or choking? Your eyes feel strained like they want to burst? I have that right now.
Juliet walks in the room and stops. "Hey there, kiddo. You okay?" she asks, her head slightly tilted to the side.
"Yeah," I lie, barely able to get the word out. "I'm just not feeling the best today." Truth.
"Anything you need to talk about?" Juliet asks with a frown as she comes in and sits on my bed.
"First Christmas away from home."
"Ah," Juliet responds, and I can tell she's thinking now.
"Hey, how about you come with us for Christmas. There's nothing like an O'Hara family Christmas," she offers with a smile.
I sigh aloud and chew on it. "I really appreciate it, but I don't know," I finally reply, hugging my knees to my chest. "I'd feel really weird."
"I understand that," Juliet says and starts rubbing my back. "But I think that a little bit of awkward followed by a lot of fun is better for you than sitting at home in solid sadness." Why does she have to be so good with words?
I swallow deeply and wring my hands. I don't know why that's a nervous thing I do, but it is. "Okay," I agree with a little nod. I don't like it, but Juliet wouldn't push me into a situation that she knows I wouldn't like. There isn't a single mean bone in this lady's body.
"I'm so glad you'll come with us!" Juliet almost squeals and wraps me in a tight hug. "Come on, it's supper time."
I'm sitting on the couch and watching Netflix all by my lonesome when a wild Jack appears, jumping over the back of the couch and landing flawlessly on the cushion next to me.
"So, tomorrow's Christmas," Jack tells me with no detectable tone. "What are your plans?" he asks, trying to sound genuinely curious, but I know him too well.
"Juliet all ready talked to me. I'm with tou guys tomorrow," I tell him with no excitement. There is no excitement in me.
"We'll have fun, I promise," Jack says and nudges me with his elbow, his confident smile in place. It's contagious, and I feel myself smiling back a little. "Wait a minute," he continues. "What's up? Why don't you want to go?"
"For the same reasons I didn't want to do Thanksgiving, Jack," I say with a roll of my eyes. That hasn't changed.
"Kim, it'll be fine," Jack says reareassuringly, yet softly. His hand is on my shoulder now, gently rocking me. I know it's supportive. I wish it wasn't, that it was more, but I'm not ready for there to be more. I hate it. I feel like such a cliché.
"I'm sure it will be. I'm just... anxious about it, I guess."
"I get that. I remember my first Christmas with Shawn and Juliet. I felt just like I'm sure you do. They're great people, though. They'll love you," Jack tells me, and I can see it in his eyes that he means it, that he knows I'll be okay. Juliet knows it, too. Maybe I'm just making too big of a deal about it.
The drive out to Juliet's mom's house wasn't bad. Kinda long, but I had Jack's Nintendo DS, so "Nintendogs" happened. My game, not his, of course.
This house is huge. It's huge and it's really red. It'd be like living in a giant tomato, and for some reason, I'm oddly okay with that. There's cars all over, too. I kinda wanna just hide in the Volkswagen because there must be so many people here!
"All right, let's get this done," Shawn says as he opens up his door, a pineapple upside down cake in his other hand. He doesn't seem overly excited to be here, either.
"Come on, Shawn. You do this every year. You know you're going to have fun," Juliet argues with Shawn's mood.
"I will not, Jules. You might as well call this 'Fort I Hate It Here.'" I try to stiffle a laugh because I know this means a lot to Juliet, but I'm on Shawn's side.
"C'mon, Kim. We'll go have fun," Jack says with a smile as he unbuckles his seatbelt. He reaches over and unfastens mine, too, and I can't hold back a laugh.
"Okay," I give in through my laughter. We get out and head up a cute cobblestone walkway to the house and Jack knocks before entering.
"Hey guys!" Jack calls, and the house answers back with a bunch of 'hey's and 'hi's. They seem really friendly all ready, but they don't know I'm here. "Come on, Kim. Let's introduce you to some of the family."
"No, Jack, it's okay. Just show me to the punch bowl and I will quietly and happily survive the night in that spot."
"All right, I'll take it," Jack concedes and I lightly smile at him. "Swing ny every now and then," I smile again and head off to the punch bowl.
As soon as I get to the kitchen, I'm blown away. It's a beautiful fucking kitchen. I'm a sucker for dark woods and marble. The sinks and frindge are so shiny, too! The dishwasher is set into the wall and not a free floating, in the way island monstrosity like the one at my parents house. I don't even think it works. Nothing in that house does, including my dad. BOOM!
The first person I notice in the kitchen is, of all people, Jerry. I didn't expect him to be here.
"Merry Christmas, Jerry!" I greet him from across the room with a mile wide smile. "I'm so happy to see someone I know here," I tell him honestly as we share a quick hug. "What aare you doing here, anyway?"
"Well, it was either this or spend Christmas at tje Martinez compound. Do you know how awkward it is to be surrounded by roughly thirty Latino familia one month after trying to kill yourself?" My blank stare tells him I don't. "I don't either, but I don't want to."
"That's fair," I give him with a shrug of my shoulders. "How are you doing? Really."
"Asi Asi," Jerry tells me, his hand waving this way and that. "I'm doing the therapy thing, so that's cool, I guess. I'm actually trying in school, and thst helps. I feel better about myself, ya know?"
"Yeah, I do."
"What about you, chica? How you doing?" Jerry asks honestly, lightly punching my arm before filling me a white tea cup with the cherry Sherbet and 7-Up punch. I sigh and Jerry smirks a little, the two of us living together in cynicism.
"I don't like holidays. I haven't in a long time," I tell him.
"I hear that. Wanna tell me 'bout yours?"
"It was all right in the morning. On Easter and Christmas morning we'd go to church. Me and my sister opened the gifts we got. More of those were from our aunt and grandparents than Mom and Dad. Our stockings were mostly peanuts and fruit because it's cheaper than chocolate."
"Sounds about right. Ours was the same." Jerry nods and takes a sip, slurping way louder than necessary. He's still Jerry, and makes me so fucking happy. "Go on."
"Christmas was fine until my dad started drinking. My sister and I soent more time playing with each other's toys than anything else for the first part of the day. My dad started drinking around the time Mom started making dinner."
"I've seen old Chuck skunked a couple times. You never know what kind you're gonna get." Jerry even knows!
"Christmas Chuck was just depressing. He listened to the same song over and over all day. 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.'"
"That song is pretty depressing. The name's totally misleading," Jerry chuckles.
"Christmas is supposed to be happy and stuff, right? I mean, look at Jack's family here. Everyone is laughing and having a good time. They're enjoying each other's company and having fun being alive. What the fuck kind of Christmas is it if you don't know if you want to be alive or not?" It was a rhetorical question, but I know it's one Jerry is familiar with.
"Have you thought about visiting home at all over break?" Jerry asks, and it gives me pause.
"I haven't. I've been so busy thinking about how much I don't want to see my dad, that I haven't thought about seeing my mom and sister."
"That's two to one, Kim. You know you're mom and sister want to see you. It's your first Christmas without them, but it's your mom and sister's first Christmas without you, too."
"You're right, Jer," I say quietly, my chest hurting and my eyes starting to dampen. "I miss my mom and Anne so much. I don't think Anne even knows why I left."
"I think you need to see them, Kim. It'd be good for you and them. Just make sure tou have a way out, you know? Incase something happens with ole Padre."
"Yeah. I'm scared about the whole idea, but... I think that's a step to me being stronger."
"Hey!" Jack says, coming over to us. "Jerry, I'm glad you came," Jack tells him and gives him a quick hug. I know they both felt awkward, but the sentiment was worth it. "Ready for presents?"
"Yeah, why not," Jerry shrugs and moves off.
"I love watching people get presents," I say with a smile. "I love the looks on people's faces when they get something great, or something they weren't expecting."
"Let's see what you get," Jack winks at me and I don't know what he's expecting.
We get to the living room and everyone is crammed in there. The kids are all huddled on the floor together and it's adorable. Under the biggest tree I've actually seen in a house, is a mongo pile of beautifully wrapped gifts. I've seen things like this on the Hallmark channel, but I nenever knew it was real.
Me and Jack stood in the doorway the entire time the exchange went on, and I loved watching the whole thing. It sounds stupid and yes, clichéd, but it made my heart happy. Jerry even had presents!
"All right!" Shawn says as he gets to the last of the gifts. "Last but not least, also joining us for the first time, K.C.!" What?
"How much did you guys spend on me?" I ask, a look of what I'm sure seems like horror on my face.
"That's not all from us," Jack says. "Our family is really loving and inclusive, Kim. You're one of us now, okay?" I still can't believe it. It's not that I'm getting things, but that these people care enough to get me gifts. I don't know them and they don't know me, but they still care this much.
The first gift reaches me and of course, it's from Jack. My heart is racing because Jack always gives the best gifts. Our gifts to each other are always from the heart. I slowly peel off the wrapping, and I instantly smile from ear to ear. It's his Seaford Whales hoody that I had borrowed from him last winter because someone had pulled the fire alarm. He gave it to me and I held on to it for three months before giving it back. Again, my heart is happy.
The second present is from Shawn and Juliet. I open it to find a brand new Nintendo DS. "Now you can stop stealing Jack's. Now we all have one. Except Jules. Jules is boring," Shawn says and the room laughs.
The rest of the gifts are games, gift cards, and clothes. Juliet's brother in the army, Ewin, explains that Juliet sent out my sizes. It's a little awkward, but these clothes are so nice!
"Thank you, everyone. I feel bad because you got me all of this, and I came empty handed," I lament.
"Don't sweat it, K.C." Shawn tells me with a chuckle. "Find me a seventeen year old who isn't strapped for cash and I'll show you his mom's purse. We're all just really glad you came. So accept it, smile, and don't return anything," Shawn tells me, and I do smile.
"Jack, I think you're missing something, little bro," Ewin tells Jack with a full bodied laugh. "Look up."
We look uo together, and my heart stops. Of course, we've been standing under a spring of mistletoe the whole time. We look back down at each other, and then to Shawn and Juliet, who are both smiling like idiots.
I look at Jack again, and he's staring right at my slightly parted lips. My breathing hitches, and his eyes change just a little. He caught that hitch. Before either of us can make anything out of it, we chastely press our lips together for an innocent, but I really can't lie, delightful little kiss. I hate that I like it because I think this is only going to lead to problems in the future, but maybe this is going to be its own little thing and die here. Jack might want to talk about it later, but if I can help it, I'll leave it behind.
Jack dropped me off at my parents house, and he didn't mention the kiss the whole time. It's the first time I've been here since October. It's not that long ago, but it feels like it's been an age. Anyone else who's been in my position knows how I feel. When you're seventeen and you give up on the one thing you've known and start all over again... each month feels like a year. I know I'm not that much older, but with everything I've learned in such amount of time, I feel like a new person.
After enough staring at the front door, I walk up the cracking concrete walkway to the house. I knock and wait. If the knock wasn't heard, the chocolate lab, Jasmine, was. That dog has a loud ass bark!
I'm not waiting long when my eleven year old sister, Anne, opens the door. Her eyes immediately get watery, and mine do, too. "Kim!" she shouts and throws herself at me. "Merry Christmas!"
"Merry Christmas, Anne!" I tell her back through my tears. I can't believe I haven't seen this girl in three months. She looks the same, but I can feel just from the hug that she's grown up. Without me. Of course she has. I hug her tighter as I realize that because I'm gone... she doesn't have me to protect her. She doesn't have a line of defense anymore. She has to take care of herself when Dad drinks and goes on a rampage. She's right in his mental and emotionally abusive path. What have I done to this sweet little thing?
"I'm happy to see you, too," Anne tells me through her own tears, thinking that mine are from joy. Some of them are. "We're just about to have pie and eggnog." Anne takes my hand and pulls me in. "Mom! Dad! Kim's here!" she calls and I feel my eyes involuntarily bug out. I was hoping for something a little more subtle. I'm also guessing by Anne's bluntness, neither Mom or Chuck told Anne why I was gone. She didn't ask, but I think I have to have that talk later. Anne's a smart girl, though. She might know and know better than to say anything.
"Merry Christmas, Kim. I was hoping you would come by," my mom says softly with a smile. Is it weird that neither of us tried to hug? "Would you like some pie?" she asks like nothing's wrong, but that's pretty much how she's always operated.
"No, thanks, I'm okay. There's more for you and Anne if I don't have any," I tell her, Anne still holding onto my hips.
"Please, Kim? It's good. I want you to have some!" Anne says, her little brown eyes shining up at me.
"Hey! There she is!" Chuck says, and he actually sounds... happy... to see me. "I was wondering if you were going to stay a stranger or if we'd at least get to see you for a while."
"Hey, Dad," I say with a smile. It's more nervous than anything, but it's a smile. "How've you been?"
"Nothing new. Same old everything since you left. Do you have a minute to talk for just a bit?" he asks, but I don't feel like it's a trap or anything. I don't think he means anything bad...
"Yeah, sure," I tell him, and Anne lets me go. I follow him into his 'office,' which is actually a room with a desk, bookshelves, and a computer. "What's up?" I ask, pretending I'm not nervous at all.
"How are you doing?" he asks as he sits down in his favorite old rocking chair. My grandpa built it.
"Uh, good I guess." I don't even know if that's true or not right now. "How have things here been?" I have no idea what's happening here anymore.
"We miss you, Kim. You moved out. I don't think either of us are happy about how it happened, but it did. You're a young woman, and it was your time to go. I didn't see it then, but I've been thinking about it a lot since," he says, and I'm completely shocked by it.
"I'm taking care of myself a lot. I have a job now, Dad. I'm doing great in school. I'm doing okay." Compared to where I was three months ago, I am doing better. I have a lot of healing to do still, but I'm doing better. I'm getting there.
"I know you're okay. You're a strong young woman. You're a Crawford. I know we have problems, Kim, but I don't want that to break the family. I know you're working and in school, but if you ever feel like coming for a visit, we'd love to have you." He sounds serious. We're not tearing each other's throats out. What the fuck is happening. "I know you won't move back in, and I'm not asking you to. Just keep coming around, okay? You're still my daughter."
I'm stunned. I'm trying to form words but my brain is just creating static. I didn't think this was going to happen this morning. I didn't think this was going to happen ten minutes ago. "I'll see you Sunday?" Did that just come out of my mouth? Are my brain and vocal chords just doing things without communicating to my present psyche?
"We'll set a place for dinner," Chuck says with a genuinely warm smile. Let's see how long this lasts.
I'm sorry it took me so long to update, but this story is really sensitive material to me. It's not easy to write. It kicks up some old stuff, but writing this is therapeutic, you know? Bear with me on slow updates, okay?