A/N 1: Including a TW here for certain flashbacks, mentions of eating disorder thoughts and behaviors, and a scene of self-harm. Reader discretion is advised. Now here is Chapter 9!
Chapter 9:
Olivia tried. She tried to talk to her daughter and show her that she wanted to be there for her, but it didn't work. Her daughter wanted nothing to do with her. It was all Olivia's fault. She should have been there for her. She should have not let her job come first. The past is the past though and Olivia couldn't go back in time, but she could try to change the narrative and try at least to be there for her daughter in this moment of pain. When Rosalie locked herself in the bathroom, she didn't know what to do so she ended up walking away to recollect herself. She was going to try again later.
Later that evening, she went to check on Rosalie who had slipped back into the room at some point. When she opened the door, she saw her daughter curled in a ball on her bed, asleep. Olivia walked over to her sleeping daughter and sat down gently on the bed. She brushed a couple of loose strands of her hair away and whispered,
"I love you, baby. No matter what, I'm here for you,"
Suddenly she saw Rosalie whimpering and beginning to toss and turn.
"No…Please stop…PLEASE STOP! HELP ME!"
Olivia immediately shook her daughter awake.
"Rosalie wake up! You're home, you're safe!"
Rosalie shot up and launched herself away from her mother's touch.
"Rosalie it's me. It's Mommy…you're okay, baby,"
Rosalie pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. She knew she was in her room and she wasn't in that basement, but that dream felt so real. She truly thought she was back in the basement and those two men were raping her all over again.
"Is there anything I can do for you baby?" Olivia asked, inching a little closer towards her daughter.
Rosalie flinched and shook her head.
Olivia sighed. She once again didn't know what to say to make everything better. She felt useless.
"Rosalie I…I don't know what to do. Seeing you like this, seeing you hurting…it's tearing me apart,"
Rosalie almost scoffed when she heard her mother say that. Of course, she didn't know what to do. Her mother knew how to solve a case, make a rapist admit to his crimes, and comfort a victim, but she didn't know how to be a mother and she didn't know how to help her own daughter who was a victim likes the ones she worked with every day. It was ridiculous.
"What do you need Rosalie? Please tell me and I'll do anything," Olivia begged.
Rosalie took a shaky breath and said slowly,
"What I need…is for you to leave me alone,"
"Rosalie…"
"I WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE! Go to your job and leave me alone to rot!" Rosalie screamed as she buried her face in her pillow and screamed at the top of her lungs. Olivia watched her daughter scream and her heart broke, tears coming to her eyes. She had to do something. She couldn't let her daughter fall apart. Seeing Rosalie scream into her pillow brought back memories that she thought she kept hidden away for years. Instead of leaving again, she stayed in her daughter's room and waited until Rosalie's screams stopped. She took a deep breath and spoke.
"I know Rosalie. I know how much you are hurting. How those men took away everything and left you broken and destroyed. Baby, I know. I know because those men hurt me too,"
Rosalie stopped. Her mother was still there. She was certain her mother would leave with her carrying on a racket like that. What also surprised her was what her mother said. Lowell Harris and William Lewis hurt her mother as well?
"I was undercover at a women's prison years ago. You were young, I believe you were staying with Elliot and his family at the time…"
Rosalie vaguely remembered staying with her mother's ex-partner many years back. One of the only times she wasn't looked after by her 'Uncle Munch' as he was swamped with giant cases and couldn't look after her.
"Anyway…Lowell Harris was the prison guard for that women's prison and one day he led me to a basement and attacked me. I tried to get away but he had me locked down there and nobody knew I was there. He beat me, kicked me…and he almost raped me but Fin came and rescued me before he could do that," Olivia shuddered as the memories washed over her, but she kept going.
"As for William Lewis…last year, while you were away for a gymnastics competition, I was working on a case where he was the main suspect. When I started getting close to nailing him, he attacked me in my apartment one night and kidnapped me. Thank God you weren't home or else he'd…anyway, he kept me in this house where he cut, burned, and attacked me. I was able to attack him and get help, but that damage was done. Harris went to prison…Lewis too, but obviously they both wanted revenge when they got out and instead of going after me again, they went after you. I never wanted this to happen to you baby girl. What I mean by telling you all of this is that I know what you are feeling and I've felt that same pain. I used to scream in my pillow and get nightmares of them attacking me all over again. I know I haven't been perfect for you, but I want you to know that I truly am here for you and I will do everything in my power to prove it to you. Please baby, let me help you through this,"
Rosalie was frozen. She had no clue that all this happened to her mother. She knew those men wanted revenge, but she didn't know they had attacked her mother as they had attacked her. Her mother kept to herself when it came to cases and events that happened in her past, but she never was this vocal before about what happened to her. She kept her face in her pillow and was silent, but she let her mother's words sink in.
Eventually, Olivia stood up and walked out of her daughter's room, but not before turning back and saying,
"I'll let you have some rest, but baby I don't want you bottling these feelings up. When you are ready, come talk to me, okay? I promise I will listen. I love you, Rosalie. More than anything in this world,"
She then left and walked to her own room, brushing away the tears that were now streaming down her face.
As for Rosalie, she lifted herself up and thought long and hard about what her mother had said. She knew that her mother was serious, but still, Rosalie believed that it was an act and that it would eventually end. Her mother always made promises but never kept them. There was no point in trusting her again. She was alone in all of this. Nothing was going to change that.
The next morning was a rainy and dreary one. Rosalie opened her tired eyes and stumbled out of bed. Last night's events came rushing back, but she quickly pushed them away. She didn't want to think about anything. Nothing she thought was good anyway.
She found herself standing in front of the mirror again and she still looked like a fat, hideous monster. She took off her pajamas and stared at every inch of her body, before looking away. She thought about her mother for a moment, and how beautiful she was. She was perfect. Perfect face, perfect body, perfect everything. Everything that Rosalie wasn't. She was this pudgy little nobody.
"God, she is a spitting image of Olivia!"
"She had a better ass though, and she was much skinnier. Pudgy little thing this is,"
"Nobody likes fat little cows,"
Rosalie needed to get rid of the fat that was covering her body. It was summer vacation and school starts in September.
"If I start losing weight now, then I'll look better. I'll be perfect for school, for gymnastics…and for mom…" Rosalie thought to herself. If she lost weight and was perfect, then she wouldn't be such a disappointment to her and then she wouldn't abandon her again. Besides…maybe focusing on changing herself would keep her from thinking about what happened to her.
It was settled then and for the first time since the party that changed her life, she almost felt motivated. Like she was going to accomplish something in her life.
Suddenly, a strong smell of pancakes filled her bedroom. Rosalie froze.
"Oh no! Mom's making pancakes!" Rosalie thought. Normally, Rosalie would get excited about her mother making pancakes for breakfast, but not this time. Couldn't her mother see how fat she was?! She needed to think of something and fast!
A knock on her bedroom door interrupted Rosalie's thoughts.
"Rosalie I made breakfast! Come join me in the kitchen," her mother called from behind the door. Rosalie gathered herself together, threw on another sweatshirt and leggings, and walked into the kitchen where her mother was serving her two round and fluffy pancakes.
"Good morning sweetheart! I hope you're hungry, considering all you've eaten for the past couple of days was hospital food and we all know how that tastes!" Olivia greeted, trying to lighten the mood, but Rosalie didn't even crack a smile.
"I'm not hungry," Rosalie said simply and Olivia was shocked. Her daughter never passed on her pancakes!
"I know I didn't use chocolate chips in the batter, but these pancakes are still good without them!" Olivia pushed, but Rosalie shook her head.
"I'm not hungry," Rosalie repeated and this time Olivia shook her head.
"Well, Rosalie you need to eat something. You didn't eat last night and I'm sure you're hungry right now. You're not leaving the table until you eat at least what's on your plate,"
Rosalie groaned as she sat at the table. She watched as her mother drowned her own pancakes in maple syrup and she thought she was going to throw up. Rosalie tried her hardest to stay strong, but she ended up eating the two pancakes. She hated how her mother smiled when she ate her food and how she tried to push her to eat more, but Rosalie hurried out of the kitchen and back into her room before she could be further tempted.
Rosalie felt like she was going to throw up. She should have fought against the pancakes more. Asked for something else. Even pretend to eat them…but she didn't. Rosalie stormed towards her notebook, opened to a clean page, and scrawled in black pen:
YOU ARE A FAT DISGUSTING GARBAGE PIG.
She needed to get rid of what she ate, but how?! She was planning on working out, but would it be enough?
'You could always throw it up…'
Rosalie paused. Flashbacks of Health Class and the movie A Secret Between Friends came to her head. She knew that throwing up after eating was bad for you, but it got rid of the food faster. Soon she found herself standing in front of the toilet in the bathroom. She contemplated if she should really do this.
"Nobody likes fat little cows,"
Rosalie shuddered, before bending over and sticking her fingers to back of her throat. She gagged and coughed at first, but soon some of the pancakes came up. She continued to force the pancakes out until she felt empty. It was an amazing feeling to Rosalie. Her heart was racing and she felt like she was floating. She wanted to do it again. She could eat whatever she wanted but still lose weight. Still, the gagging and coughing weren't fun, so she vowed that this wasn't going to happen every day.
After flushing the toilet and brushing her teeth, she went back to her room and pulled out her computer. She began looking up fast ways to lose weight and exercises that she could do at home. Due to her injuries, the doctors had barred her from any strenuous activity so Rosalie couldn't go running or do anything related to gymnastics for the time being, but she was still going to find some way to lose weight. She wasn't giving up. Not until she was skinny.
A week passed and Rosalie was starting to get the hang of not eating. She would put on a show during mealtimes so her mother wouldn't suspect, but in reality, she would only eat a little food and stuff the rest into her napkin when her mother wasn't looking. She also did light stretches since she was still healing from her broken ribs and other injuries. Once she was given the all-clear by the doctor, she planned on getting into running and going back to gymnastics.
Rosalie started liking how her stomach would growl for food, but she wouldn't give in to the cravings. She liked the feeling of being in control. It made her feel powerful.
One day, Rosalie was sitting on her bed and writing down her calorie intake in her notebook when she heard her mother knock on the door.
"Rosalie?"
"Come in," Rosalie sighed as she quickly closed her notebook and slid it under her pillow.
Olivia walked in and sat on the edge of her daughter's bed. One thing she noticed right off the bat was that something was off about Rosalie. Her round face seemed to be thinner. It looked like she lost a little weight. She looked okay, maybe this was from all that has happened recently. Olivia had noticed that Rosalie didn't have much of an appetite lately. All she knew was that her daughter didn't need to lose weight. She was perfect just the way she was.
"Are you alright honey?"
"I'm fine…why?" Rosalie asked cautiously.
"No reason, I'm noticing that you're looking a little thinner lately,"
Rosalie secretly beamed. She had to be losing weight then! What she was doing must be working!
"I think you look good right now, so I don't want you losing any more weight. Are you eating what I'm making?"
Rosalie nodded, knowing that she was lying.
"Okay…just making sure…" Olivia trailed off and both Benson girls sat in silence for a good minute or so before Olivia spoke up again. "So…I was thinking…it might be a good idea to go see someone about…what happened. Dr. Lindstrom, who I've been seeing, recommended someone that works with teenagers…"
"Wait, you want me to see a shrink?!" Rosalie interrupted.
"I think you would really benefit from speaking with someone…"
"No. I don't need to speak to anyone," Rosalie cut her mother off again as she got out of bed.
"Rosalie you shouldn't be bottling your feelings up. It's not healthy," Olivia protested as she stood up and followed her daughter who had walked out of her room.
"I'm not seeing a shrink!" Rosalie raised her voice angrily.
"Well if you won't speak to a psychiatrist, then talk to me! Please talk to me!" Olivia begged, matching Rosalie's raised voice. Rosalie now infuriated finally snapped.
"I DON'T WANT TO! Why must you keep pushing when I don't want to remember what happened to me!?"
Rosalie didn't want to think about it all over again, but already she was remembering everything that happened in that basement. All the pain, the torture, the words…
"Rosalie…baby…" Olivia slowly inched closer to her daughter, but as soon as her hand touched her daughter's skin, Rosalie jerked backward and started screaming.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Rosalie screamed, flailing away from her mother. "GET AWAY FROM ME!"
"Rosalie stop! Baby, you're okay, you're safe!" Olivia quickly tried to calm the situation, but it only made Rosalie angrier.
"I'M. NOT. SAFE!" Rosalie enunciated each word. "You keep trying to make things normal, but NOTHING ISN'T NORMAL. I'M NOT NORMAL! You want the old Rosalie back, but she's DEAD! SHE DIED IN THAT FUCKING BASEMENT AND SHE'S NEVER COMING BACK!"
Rosalie turned on her heel and ran to the bathroom, which had become another sanctuary like her bedroom, and slammed the door, locking herself inside. Almost like a pattern when she locks herself in the bathroom, she yanked open the medicine cabinet and grabbed her trusty blade. Shoving up her sweatshirt sleeves, she dragged the blade across her arms. The fresh cuts decorated her skin with the past scars left by those two awful men. Each slice brought relief, but at the same time, she couldn't get the painful images out of her head. As she watched the blood seep from her arms, she slumped against the door and tried not to cry.
Olivia stood in the middle of the hallway shocked and trying to process everything that her daughter said. The hatred that spewed out of her daughter's mouth, the sweet and happy Rosalie she once knew was gone. Olivia wanted to cry, but she needed to pull herself together. She walked over to the bathroom door and knocked.
"Rosalie?"
"GO AWAY!" was the response she received.
"Sweetheart I'm sorry. I really truly am. Please open the door,"
"Leave me alone! It's what you're good at," Rosalie snapped as she started cleaning up the blood on her arm and what had dropped to the floor.
"Rosalie I'm not leaving you alone. I won't. Not now and not in the future. I know I really fucked up leaving you alone and never being there for you for so long but I'm serious when I say that I'm going to change. I will be there for you, but you need to give me a chance! Please let me show you that I'm serious,"
Rosalie thought about it. Maybe her mother was being serious. Still, she was convinced that it wasn't going to last long, but at the same time, she wanted her mother. She wanted her mother's love and attention. Rosalie bandaged her cuts and once they were well hidden, she unlocked the door and opened it to find her mother still standing in front of it.
"You're still here…" Rosalie mumbled.
"Yes honey," Olivia held out her arms and slowly Rosalie walked into the hug. She bit her lip to keep from bursting into tears.
"I love you, Rosalie. I love you so much,"
Rosalie kept her guard up as she let her mother hug her and whisper sweet nothings in her ear, but the feeling of being hugged and loved by her mother helped her calm down. When her mother pulled away and asked her if she wanted something to eat, Rosalie put on a brave face and went along with her mother's plans. As usual, she nibbled at her food and hid the majority of it in her napkin, only to be flushed down the toilet afterward.
Once she was alone again, she went on her computer and started looking up ways to eat less and lose more weight. Soon she found a website that piqued her interest. It was decorated with pictures of boney women and motivational sayings. She clicked on a page called Tips and Tricks, but the site said that she needed to sign in or sign up to access the page. Without thinking twice, Rosalie signed up for the site and didn't know what she was getting into as she clicked the giant accept button.
A/N 2: Back again with another chapter! Thanks to the people who followed the story! I hope you are enjoying it so far. A lot of serious stuff happened in this chapter. What will happen next?! Leave a review if you'd like and stay tuned for Chapter 10!