For a moment it was all Steve could do to keep his mouth from hanging open. Of all people, he never would have imagined that Tony Stark would show up to rescue him – and if he had, he might have thought he'd refuse to be rescued. Under the circumstances, however, he would take what was offered him, even if it came with the Dorito joke.
That didn't make it any less of a surprise, though. Steve made sure his mouth was closed, then searched for words and managed, "what are you doing here?"
"Bailing you out," Stark replied, tucking his phone back in his pocket. "What's it look like I'm doing?"
A thousand other questions bubbled through Steve's brain, ranging from how did you get here after Thor broke the rune stone? to did you really think the apology letter was douchy? Steve considered them all and decided they could wait. "Then let's get Romanov and go."
Stark gave him a sidelong look. "You okay?"
"I've been better," Steve admitted. "You?" Damn it, they were going to have to talk about it now. Maybe not right away, because this situation with Loki was so much more important, but sooner or later they were going to have to sit down and talk about the whole mess with the Accords and Bucky and possibly end up fighting again. Steve wasn't looking forward to that, but again, it was better than being in police lockup in the wrong universe.
"Not bad," said Stark. "We going?"
"We're going," Steve agreed.
Natasha was escorted out to join them, and one of the cops brought Dodger on a leash. Steve knelt down to greet the dog while Stark posted bail for the two prisoners Once their things had been returned and all the paperwork signed, Nat immediately began asking questions.
"Since you're here," she said, "I assume you've got a way back."
Stark held the station door for them. "Well, I didn't take the bus," he said.
In the parking lot, he took out a fob and pressed the button, and Steve did a double-take as this got a beep from an extremely un-Tony-Stark-like Dodge minivan. Stark himself didn't even flinch, though. He opened the driver's door and climbed in, and Steve had to remind himself that neither the vehicle nor the body of the man driving it actually belonged to Tony Stark. Maybe the actor who played him wasn't such a big star as Scarlett Johansson with her pink corvette and her Malibu mansion. It would also explain what Stark was wearing: black track pants, a striped cardigan, and a faded t-shirt with the words Enjoy Mello Yello on the front. He looked more like a particularly embarrassing suburban househusband than a billionaire superhero, or even an actor.
Steve climbed into the back of the van, while Natasha got in the front passenger side. "How did you find us?" was her next question.
"Well, when celebrities assault their husbands and get thrown in jail, word kind of goes around," Stark replied, doing up his seat belt. "I told Ridley I'd bail you out as a special favour." He put the van in gear, and got out on the road.
Steve leaned forward between the seats. "Why didn't you get us out?" he asked Nat.
"I didn't have my stuff," Nat replied. "Johansson doesn't carry lock picks, and even I can't open a jail cell with lip gloss."
Stark didn't say anything right away, which was odd – he usually couldn't resist weighing in on anything and everything. Now, he waited until they were out on the road, heading east towards Santa Monica, before he spoke.
"All right," he said, "now that we're all stuck in here with each other for the next sixty miles, who wants to tell me how you got into this fine mess?" He sounded like he was their father – not mad, just disappointed in children who ought to know better.
"Where should we start?" asked Steve. They had no idea how much Stark already knew.
"At the beginning," Stark replied. "I'll follow along."
"The beginning." Steve nodded. "That would be Natasha coming to see me in Wakanda a few days ago, to tell me Thor was back on Earth."
"Thor was back on Earth," Stark echoed. It was a question, but only by implication, not by tone. He didn't believe Thor would return without contacting him.
Nat came to the same conclusion. "The reason he didn't go see you is because I told him not to," she explained. "We didn't want to make a big production out of it with weapons and costumes and get the politicians involved. That meant Rogers and I were the only people available."
"T'Challa gave us a flight as far as Morocco," Steve went on.
"Because we were going to Oslo," Nat agreed. "Loki needed something from a museum there, so Thor asked us to meet him."
They continued this way, telling the story in bits and pieces while constantly interrupting each other to fill in the missing details. Stark continued to sit silent. His eyes were fixed on the road ahead as they drove down the dark Pacific Coast Highway, and Steve began to wonder if he were even listening. It was so unlike Stark not to have anything to say that at one point Steve just stopped talking and waited for him to respond.
After a few seconds of silence Stark said, "go on. I want to know where you're going with this."
They took him through their rather violent transfer between universes, skipped over most of the embarrassing things that had happened on the movie set, and brought the story up to where they'd had to defend themselves from Darville. There they stopped, because they figured Stark already knew what h ad happened after that.
Stark nodded thoughtfully. "So that's why Hiddles threw a fit, is it?" he asked.
Steve and Nat both perked up. "Hiddles? Hiddleston is Loki, right?" Steve asked. The name had definitely been on Natasha's list.
"Sure is," said Stark. "He's run off to plot our doom, has he?"
"Where is he?" Steve wanted to know. "Or where was he, before he disappeared?" That would at least give them a place to start from.
"Last I heard he was up in the Rockies in Canada, playing Sir John A. McDonald in some railway movie," Stark said, "but I think he had the weekend off for a convention appearance anyway. Conquering the world, one fangirl at a time!" He chuckled, but then turned serious again. "Okay, that was fun. Now, really, what happened?"
"What? But we…" Steve said, and then felt something inside him constrict as he realized he'd seriously mis-read the entire situation. He'd never questioned that this was Stark come to look for them – and even if he had, being addressed as Dorito would have settled it for him. The Doritos bag existed in this universe, too, though – Evans had it framed in his trailer. Could it have originated on the internet and had the actors pick it up, just as had happened in their own universe?
"But what?" asked Stark. "The only buts I see here are your butts I just bailed out of jail. You realize how serious that is, right? You're going to be charged with assault. Scarlett, if Richard files for divorce on the grounds of abuse, he's going to get custody of Marigold. Do you understand that?"
"Yes," said Natasha, voice soft but firm. "Yes, I do."
"Okay, then." Stark's voice was a little gentler down – he could tell that she meant it. "Remember when I said you guys could tell me anything because I've probably done worse? Just tell me. No judging," he promised. "I know people make mistakes. Before I can help, I need to know what I'm helping you with. For starters, how long has this affair been going on? I know you two have been working together forever, but you've always told the media you were just friends."
There was a moment of silence as Steve and Natasha both mulled over the consequences of this latest mistake.
"You're not Tony Stark, are you?" Steve asked, just to be sure.
"Right now?" the man in the driver's seat said – now he was annoyed. "No, I am not Tony Stark. And you are not Steve Rogers, and she is not Natasha Romanov, so let's talk about our problems like adults, please."
For a moment Steve couldn't decide what to do, and it was clear that Natasha couldn't, either. They'd already told him the whole story, and he hadn't believed it. Where did that leave them?
"Okay," Natasha tried. "Um… Robert. It's Robert, right? Robert Downey?"
"It is," the man said, unamused.
"Let's pretend that everything we already told you is true…" Nat began.
"Let's not," Downey interrupted, "because this really doesn't seem like a good time for that!"
"Let's do," Nat insisted, "because it is true. You can call Thor and ask him – he's got Hemsworth's phone. We talked to him on Skype earlier." She pulled out Johansson's cell phone, which the police had given back to her.
"He's going to come meet us as soon as we can arrange a place," Steve said. "You said Loki was in Canada. Where, exactly?"
"I'm going to pull over and make you two walk in a minute, if you can't take this seriously," Downey threatened them.
Nat was dialling her phone. "Do you always treat your colleagues like children?" she asked
"When they act like it, yeah," said Downey. "I'm gonna take you two back to Ridley so you can finish your movie. I know I can't force you to accept help, but if and when you want it, you know where to find me. I'm not going to make a game out of it."
Nat turned around and handed the phone to Steve. "Talk to Thor," she said, and then undid her seat belt.
She climbed into Downey's lap and grabbed the steering wheel – he yelped in surprise, and the minivan lurched unpleasantly to the right, taking out several garbage and recycling bins lined up in front of the beach properties there. A moment later it swerved to the left again, and got back on the road. Somebody behind them honked.
A woman's voice answered Natasha's phone. "Hello?"
"Hi, Mrs. Hemsworth?" Steve asked. "Can I talk to Thor? I mean…"
"Just a second," she said.
The van continued to wind back and forth across the lane of traffic, while people around them blared their horns or pulled over to get out of the way. Then it straightened out, and a hand grabbed the top of the headrest on the passenger's side. It was too big to be Natasha's. Leaning forward a little, Steve saw Downey climb into the seat, with Nat now at the wheel.
"What the hell are you doing?" Downey asked. "Scarlett, for crying out loud…"
The line picked up again. "Captain?" asked Thor's voice.
"Thor!" said Steve. "Yeah, it's me."
"Have you found my brother, then?" Thor wanted to know.
"Maybe," Steve said.
Natasha was now in full control of the van, and the driving was correspondingly smoother. She sped up. "Tell us where Loki is," she ordered.
"If I tell you, will you let me out?" Downey asked.
"Maybe," said Nat.
"Captain?" asked Thor.
"Sorry," said Steve. "Yeah, we've found somebody who might know. Romanov's questioning him right now."
"Well, a wise individual will tell her quickly," Thor said.
"Can I ask you something?" Steve frowned. "Hemsworth's wife seems… she's not too bothered by this, is she? Did she… what did you tell her? Or what did she say to you?"
"Elsa? I explained the situation to her, and she seemed quite agreeable," Thor replied. "She told the doctors that her husband does this all the time, for the entertainment of children."
That explained a lot.
"I know where he's supposed to be," Downey said. "He's supposed to be at some convention in Calgary! I don't know whether he's actually going to show up!"
"That'll do," said Nat. "Steve, did you hear that?"
"Yeah," said Steve. "Okay, Thor, according to the guy who isn't Stark, Loki is supposed to be in Calgary, Canada." Steve had a vague idea where that was – towards the west end of the country, but not quite in the mountains. "His actor was working on a film near there, so we can start our search."
"I shall set off for the airport at once," Thor promised.
"Great," said Steve. "We'll meet you at arrivals." He covered the phone with one hand. "Anything else I should ask him?"
"That ought to do for now." Nat pulled over.
"It will be a relief to return to our own realm," said Thor. "Until we meet again, Captain."
Steve disconnected, and Nat reached over and opened the passenger-side door for Downey. "There you go," she said.
He looked out at the roadside, lined with palm trees and beach houses, then back at her. "This is my van," he protested.
"You asked if you could get out once you told us where Loki is," Nat reminded him. "You told us, so I'm letting you out. I'll leave a note for Evans and Johansson to call you once we've found Loki and gotten out of here. I'm sure they'll appreciate your help more than we did."
Downey climbed out.
Nat shut the door again and put the turn signal on to pull back out into traffic. Steve looked back, and saw a light fall on Downey's face.
"He's making a phone call," Steve said. "What if he's calling the police?" If this were Downey's van, he definitely knew the license plate number. They didn't need to end up back in jail, especially when nobody would bail them out of it this time.
"Shit," said Nat, and stopped the van again.
They'd only gone a dozen yards or so up the road. Steve worried that Downey would try to run when he realized they were coming back, but instead he jogged to meet them as Nat backed up. She opened the door for him.
"Have you come to your senses?" he asked.
Natasha extended a hand. Downey took it and climbed in, and as soon as he shut the door, Nat pressed the button to engage all the locks. While their newly-acquired hostage was still reacting to that, she snatched his phone and tossed it to Steve – then she hit the gas, heading east again. Fellow drivers honked their horns again as she sped up to merge with the traffic.
"Hey!" Downey protested. "Now what are you doing?"
"We can't let you call the police," Nat replied calmly.
"I wasn't calling the police! I was texting Susan!"
Steve checked the phone in his hands. The open app was indeed a text conversation with 'Susan', most of which seemed to consist of sweet nothings and heart-eyed cat emojis. At the very bottom, Downey had begun to type a new message: ChrisE and ScarJo stole the van. I'm gonna…
"It does say Susan," Steve confirmed.
"Who is Susan?" Nat asked.
"You know Susan," said Downey. "She's my wife."
"Is she Pepper?" asked Steve. "I mean… is she the actress who plays Pepper Potts?" That seemed a natural conclusion to come to. He couldn't imagine Stark marrying anyone but Pepper Potts regardless of what universe it happened in.
"What? No. Gwyneth Paltrow is Pepper," said Downey.
They passed Pepperdine University, where the road divided in two. To get to Los Angeles, they would have had to take the right fork and continue down the coast. Nat took the left one, heading inland towards the mountains.
"Uh… where do you think you're going?" asked Downey, his head turning to watch the green highway signs go by.
"Canada, of course," said Natasha. "You said that's where Loki is."
In Steve's hand, Downey's phone buzzed.
"That'll be her," he said.
Sure enough, when Steve checked, the phone identified the caller as 'Susan'. He connected and said, "hello?"
"Hello?" asked the voice that must be Mrs. Downey. "Is this Chris?"
"Yes," Steve said. "Yes, this is Chris." He hoped it sounded convincing to her.
It must have, because she didn't question it. "Is Bob bringing you back to our place?"
"Uh, no," said Steve.
Downey turned in his seat to reach back. "Let me talk to her!" he said. "Susan! Can you hear me?"
"Tell Bob not to talk on the phone while he's driving," said Susan.
"She says…" Steve began.
"I'm not driving!" Downey held out his hand as far as he could, his fingertips brushing Steve's elbow. "Please?" he asked. "Please?" His brown eyes were huge and pleading. It was an expression Steve had seen on Stark, but only when he was talking to either Pepper Potts or Colonel Rhodes, and never when he realized somebody else was watching. "I won't tell her," he added, in a lower voice. "I promise. Just please, let me talk to her."
He looked like a puppy who wanted a hug. Somewhat against his better judgment, Steve gave him the phone.
"Susan!" Downey put it to his ear. "I'm so glad you called."
Nat caught Steve's eye in the rearview mirror and glared at him. The message was clear that if this went horribly wrong, too, she was holding him responsible.
"Just listen, honey," said Downey, leaning away from Natasha as if afraid she would grab the phone from him at any moment. "Chris and Scarlett have sort of kidnapped me…"
He was silent for a moment while his wife said something, mostly likely to ask what he meant by sort of.
"Well, they're not actually going to hurt me, and they haven't said anything about ransoming me off, so yeah, only sort of," Downey said. "I think they're planning to plead insanity so they're trying to convince me they've lost their minds. It's actually working pretty well so far."
Steve undid his seat belt and tensed his legs, prepared to stand up and snatch the phone back if he had to. Downey glanced back at him, and held up a hand to tell him no.
"No, don't call anybody," he said to Susan. "It'll all work itself out. They say they're going to Canada but that won't work, so I'll see what they're up to and probably be home in a few hours. Tell the kids Dad had some Iron Man stuff to do or something. Okay. I love you. Sleep tight." He disconnected and handed the phone back to Steve. "There," he said. "That's all I wanted, just so she wouldn't worry about me."
Steve was startled. Even now knowing that this wasn't Stark – and that was getting clearer and clearer with every word out of the man's mouth – telling his wife not to call the police because 'Chris and Scarlett' wouldn't hurt him was an awfully trusting thing for Downey to do. Now that he'd expressed that trust, furthermore, Steve would find it awfully hard to betray. Maybe Downey knew that. Or maybe, as the guy who'd played Tony Stark in a movie about Civil War, he should have known better.
"All right." Downey folded his arms across his chest and settled down in his seat. "Whatever this is, whether it's a publicity stunt or a practical joke or the aliens from Galaxy Quest, I'll ride along as far as it goes and see what happens. I don't think you'll get into Canada, though."
Canada wasn't exactly an impenetrable fortress of a country as far as Steve knew – but then he figured out what Downey must be talking about. "The terms of our bail were don't leave California, weren't they?" Not allowed into the United States in one universe, not allowed out in the next. Everybody loved placing restrictions on him.
"You really think that'll be a problem?" asked Natasha.
"Probably not," said Steve.
They crossed the border into Nevada with no trouble, which definitely surprised Downey, and passed through Vegas before heading on into Utah. Steve dozed in the back seat until Nat woke him up near the border of Idaho and told him to take a turn driving. She was yawning as she crawled into the back to curl up, and Steve realized he couldn't remember ever seeing her sleepy before. Natasha was like him – she could sleep anywhere and wake up alert and ready to go for as long as she needed to. She got tired, but not sleepy. It seemed that she, too, was feeling the effects of being… well, a little more human than usual.
Downey paid for gas and snacks, and they got back on the road.
Shortly after they'd entered Montana, with the sun coming up and Natasha still snoring in the back seat, Downey asked, "were you two already in some kind of trouble? Is that what this is?" He was worried again now. "And you're trying to get out of the country?"
"We told you what happened," said Steve.
Downey scowled again. "You can't ask me to believe you really think that."
"Why would we tell you something like that if it wasn't true?" Steve tried.
"Hell if I know," Downey said. "Maybe you've been reading too many internet posts with that joke about how Marvel grows their characters in tubes of blue goo like something out of Avatar."
Steve turned to look at him with a concerned frown. "Do people actually believe that?" Maybe that was how this universe really worked. Maybe Chris Evans looked exactly like Steve because he was… who knew? A clone, perhaps. Or something worse.
"There are people who believe JonBenet's parents faked her death and she grew up to be Katy Perry," said Downey, "so yeah, there probably are, but that doesn't mean it's true. You understand that, right?" He sounded like he wasn't sure Steve did. "You're not anybody's science experiment. You have parents who are probably wondering what the hell you're doing right now."
Parents. Steve hadn't thought about that, but it was true – this Chris Evans must have a mother and father, and maybe siblings and grandparents, too. If they were still alive and they met Steve, they would think he was family. Would Mrs. Evans drape a blanket around his shoulders and make him a cup of tea, the way his own mother had used to when he got home on cold days? Would her husband smile at Steve and tell him he was proud of him, the way Steve had always wished his father would?
Their numbers were probably in Evans' phone, which suddenly felt very heavy in Steve's pocket. He could call them and find out.
Rather than do so, however, Steve pulled the phone out and reached to drop it on the floor in the back, where it would be difficult for him to retrieve. The idea lingered, though, like electricity crackling on the back of his neck. Suddenly Steve understood, on a very visceral level, just why Natasha had insisted on going to Johansson's house. Having even the illusion of something you wanted so very badly, dangling in front of you like that… that was the stuff of parables. It was so easy to tell himself that it would do no harm to just call, but then, Nat had probably thought it would do no harm to just read Rosie a story, to just pretend for five minutes, and he'd seen what happened then. No, he could not call Chris Evans' parents. Definitely not.
"Evans has parents," said Steve. "Mine died a long time ago."
Downey groaned and rubbed his forehead. "Please stop," he said. "I don't want to have you committed. If they tried to replace you, the fans would riot… especially if it's Channing Tatum."
It was almost exactly twenty-four hours since Downey had bailed them out of jail when Natasha, back in the driver's seat, pulled to a stop in the parking lot at Calgary International Airport. Downey had now nodded off, himself, and missed seeing how Nat got them into Canada. This was probably all for the best. As she'd predicted, it hadn't been a problem. At the airport they got a cheap motel room where they could all shower and change their clothes, and then they went to the arrivals gate to meet Thor's flight from Australia.
They all looked slightly ridiculous and not very superheroic, dressed as they were in whatever souvenir clothes the shops in the airport had been offering. Thor, on the other hand, walked in wearing camo-print shorts, a white t-shirt, a pair of Ray-Bans, and wheeling a little hard-sided suitcase with Hello Kitty on it, but the effect was the same as it had been when he'd tried dressing down in Oslo. No matter what he was wearing, he still walked and talked like the God of Thunder.
"Friends!" he said, and gathered Steve, Natasha, and Downey all up in one hug. Chris Hemsworth was not as immense as the real Thor, but he was still a very large man with bulging arms that could encompass all three of them. "It delights my heart to see familiar faces!"
"Good to see you, too, Thor," Steve managed, with what little air the embrace had left him.
"That includes you, Robert Downey Junior!" Thor added, stepping back to take a look at the unwilling fourth member of their party. "I have entertained myself on the flight by reading about our counterparts' lives and work. Your recovery from your lowest point was truly heroic, as is your dedication to making sure others do no repeat your mistakes!"
"Thanks," said Downey, a little dazed. "Trying to help people with their mistakes is how I got into this, as a matter of fact," he added, with a glance at Steve and Nat.
"I am famished after my journey," Thor said, "for the food they serve on an airplane would not fill a child. Fortunately, the young man seated next to me told me of an establishment belonging to Mr. Tim Horton, which makes the finest coffee and donuts in Midgard! Let us eat, and perhaps we can learn more of this convention Loki is to appear at!"
Near the exits, the airport had racks of brochures for things to see and do in the city, which included an ad for the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo, beginning that day at the Roundup Centre convention hall. While Thor tried several flavours of Tim Horton's donuts, Steve scanned through the guest list.
"Here he is!" he said. "Tom Hiddleston, of Marvel's Thor and Kong: Skull Island!" Then he looked at the picture, and did a double-take at the sight of the smiling, bearded blond man in glasses. "It doesn't even look like him."
Natasha leaned over his shoulder. "No, he's got the nose," she said.
"I would not take him for my brother, nose or no," Thor said. "It has been long since I saw Loki smile so warmly."
"Do we have to worry about running into anybody else we know?" Nat asked. "Or who thinks they know us?"
Downey was sitting on the other side of Steve, eating a grilled bacon and cheese sandwich. He jabbed his finger at a picture of a woman with long, straight dark hair, identified by the caption as Jennifer Connelly, of Jim Henson's Labyrinth. "We might see Paul," he said, "but I doubt any of you would recognize him."
"Which Paul?" asked Nat.
"Never mind," said Downey. "Actually, if we do meet him, I want to see if you can figure it out for yourselves."
Steve wondered if that meant he believed them now. More likely he was just seeing how far they'd take their joke. Steve turned the page to look at the rest of the guests, and saw pictures that promised actors from Westworld and Once Upon a Time. Then he turned another page, and his heart stopped dead in his chest.
Meet the cast of Marvel's Agent Carter.