Step 2: Gain Loyal Friends, Who Are Also Stupidly Oblivious
The knights of Camelot. Brave men who fight with honor, serving the King until their end, yada yada yada. I don't disagree with any of that. My best friends are knights. However, they are really oblivious. To the point where I wonder if they are fully functioning. Personally, I think it might be from the number of times they are knocked upside the noggin. Or, the sheer amount of stupidity it takes to drink all night and then expect to function like a human being in the morning. I'm looking at you, Gwaine.
In general, the knights of Camelot are rather good friends. Loyal, protective, and utterly useless when it comes to magic. Perfectly oblivious. Because of this, they have a hard time letting me tag along into battle. "No, Merlin, don't want you to hinder our manly stabbing of bandits" or "Don't want you to trip and impale yourself on a sword" or "Merlin, stay behind because it is totally safer to stand alone in the middle of bandit infested woods instead of joining the large group of armed men". Really? Like I'm going to stand back as they get themselves killed!
But their stupidity allows me to work from behind the scenes. Of course then a certain prat hollers at me for being a coward, hiding behind a tree and so on (when he asked me to stay behind anyways, really, make up your mind). Anyways, behind the scenes is a bit of a misnomer. Any fully functioning human (example a: Lancelot) would notice that they were being protected by magic. I mean really, branches don't just fall on enemies during battle. Swords are not capable of heating themselves in their owner's hand. And magical beasts certainly cannot be slayed whilst one is unconcious.
Arthur is literally the King of these lovable idiots. I wish for his sake that he had the excuse of being visually impaired or constantly sloshed but no, he's just a clotpole. Of course my friends' obliviousness is the only thing keeping me from the pyre, so I'm not really complaining:
The woods were hot. The road had no shade, and the trees blocked the cross-breeze from relieving weary travelers. Why Arthur insisted on hunting in the middle of July was beyond Merlin. Arthur loved to drag Merlin out into the bandit-infested woods to hold his weapons while he chased fluffy animals through a maze of trees and bushes. Then, he would make Merlin carry the kill back to camp. Yup. Definitely a prat.
Merlin had no problem making his disapproval known. Arthur merely rolled his eyes, calling Merlin a girl, a petticoat, or, in a dazzling display of wit, a girl's petticoat. At least today, the knights of Camelot were riding along with them. That meant more fluffy animals died, but took some of the responsibility literally off Merlin's shoulders. Plus the conversation was much more interesting.
"Excuse me, Elyan, I am the official tester of mead here, and I can assure you: Cider is the best alcohol one can get. Apples in a drink. What more could you ask for?" Gwaine argued heatedly against the rest of the knights, defending the honor of his favorite drink from the pub. He looked much better than he had this morning, no longer swaying in the saddle while nursing the aftereffects of a night in the tavern.
"What is it with you and apples?" Leon rolled his eyes, pulling his horse ahead to ride next to Arthur. It had been a thoroughly disappointing hunt, and everyone (except Merlin) was rather put out.
"My friend, what is not to love about apples?" Gwaine drawled, a cheeky grin taking over his face, "What more could you want from a food? Sweet, crispy, delicious in multiple forms".
"The greatest love story Camelot has ever seen: Gwaine and apples". Percival jeered, the whole company laughing as Gwaine shrugged good-naturedly.
Merlin was just about to make a comment when a noise up ahead drew his attention. No one else noticed, but Merlin could see a bush rustling at the top of a cliff up ahead. He stalled for a moment, analyzing the road. It would be the perfect place for an ambush. Heavy brush up on the cliffs to conceal archers, a footpath that bandits could easily use to cut off travelers.
"Merlin. You alright, mate?" Gwaine stopped talking about apple pies for a moment, noticing Merlin's hesitation.
"I have a funny feeling" Merlin's horse, picking up on his unease, huffed and shifted.
"Oh dear. Merlin has a funny feeling. Don't be such a girl Merlin". Arthur scoffed at him, urging his mount forward.
"You don't think that area up ahead is a good spot for an ambush?" Merlin asked, directing his concerns at Leon, who was the best at looking for tactical advantages or disadvantages. Merlin was vindicated when Leon hesitated, then slowly nodded.
"Yeah. It is. But it seems quiet. Bandits usually make a bit of noise. And the wind is blowing towards us. Surely the horses would have picked up their scents?"
"See Merlin? Come on, we are late returning anyways. I do not want to spend a night in the woods because you got one of your 'funny feelings'".
"Better delayed than dead" Merlin muttered to himself, resigning himself to following the dunce as he always did. And, just as he always was, Merlin was right. The instant the whole party was between the cliffs, bandits cut them off from the front and back. Arrows rained down from the brush above them. Arthur's mount bucked, almost dumping the newly crowned king on his rump. He quickly recovered, shouting orders to the knights, who formed a defensive formation. Merlin quickly dismounted as the knights did the same. Might as well not hand the archers a nice, tall target.
"Dollophead! I told you so!" Merlin hollered as Gwaine threw himself in front of Merlin, catching a sword swing and parrying back.
"Stay down, Merlin!" Arthur yelled. "Make for the trees if you can!"
"Yeah, because the bandits are just going to let me through. Excuse me, small harmless manservant coming through". Merlin muttered, reaching for the extra longknife Arthur kept on his saddle. "It's not like they have honor".
"Merlin!" Arthur yelled again. "What are you doing? Get back, you can't fight!"
"Thanks for the vote of confidence" Merlin said under his breath, then moved into the middle of the circle of horses. He kept a wary eye on the battle, dropping a tree branch on a bandit that got a little too close to Leon's flank, and heating the sword of the one fighting Elyan. The fight was going well until a lucky crossbow bolt hit Arthur in the shoulder. It was a flesh wound, but was enough to give his opponent an opening. Pressing the attack, he pushed Arthur to the ground and made to kill the king...
Until the horses suddenly charged him in unison, miraculously avoiding the king, who was unconscious on the ground from the attacker's last blow. Merlin grinned at his handiwork, until he noticed the enemy was regrouping. The bandits, seeing an opening, rushed around Arthur, intent on killing him and then robbing him of everything he owned. The other knights were all engaged in their own battles, so it was up to Merlin. Sending up a quick prayer, he summoned his magic and blasted the men back. Some of them hit their heads and fell unconscious from the blast. Others got back up again and made for Merlin, a bit slower this time. Good. Easier to hit when they weren't running. Merlin whispered a spell, levitating Arthur's sword and slashing at two of the enemies, sending them to their deaths. The sword finally embedded itself in the last bandit. Or so he thought. Only his magical instincts warned him that someone was approaching. His magic reacted before he did, levitating the longknife he had grabbed earlier and impaling the bandit through the neck.
Merlin looked around in fear. Surely one of the knights had seen that. He had produced a concussive blast for Pete's sake! But the idiots were all engaged in their one on one battles with the bandits. No one called for Merlin's head, no one whispered "sorcerer". Merlin was both relieved and appalled. Because, really? These blunt men were the best Camelot had to offer?
Arthur groaned, sitting up just as the knights finished off the bandits. He looked around, noting the many dead bandits in his vacinity. "What happened?"
Merlin sighed, resigning himself to a lecture about cowardice. "You defeated them all, sire. You went into a berserker rage, killed most of them, knocked some against trees".
Arthur looked confused for a moment. Merlin held his breath as he treated Arthurs wound. Surely, the king was brighter than this. He would question Merlin, and Merlin would have no explanation. Arthur was unconscious, after all. How would he have killed them all? But, Arthur just nodded. "Of course I did. I am a fearsome warrior, not that you would know Merlin. Hiding behind the horses the entire time".
"Yes sire" Merlin grumbled, a smirk slowly making its way across his face, "But we could have avoided this whole situation if you had just listened..."
"No one could have predicted this. Right, gentlemen?" The knights nodded in affirmation, gleams of amusement in their eyes. Traitors, the lot of them. "Now where are the horses, Merlin? Don't tell me you lost them? Honestly, you are the most useless servant in the kingdom!"
Yup, they were stupid. Numpty, daft, and dim, the whole lot of them. But they were great friends to have when you were hiding magic. Not to mention they were pretty good men as well. Merlin grinned, setting off into the forest to hunt down the horses. They may be prats, but they were his prats. And he wouldn't have it any other way.