Crazy trouble with love part 8

Female Monsters and Saitama

Series: Onepunch Man

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Saitama had his eyes focused and narrowed on something hard. Something that took all his focus for. Something that had been driving him mad since waking up as his fingers moved fast.

"Sensei, I am going out on patrol." Spoke up Genos at the door. "Will you be staying here to try and beat that game?"

"Yeah, King is coming over in a few hours to take it back and I'm only halfway through!" He spoke while trying to make his character get to the finish line. "I'll feel like a complete idiot if I don't get at least over halfway there!"

"Yes sensei, I should be back in a few hours, I wish you the best of luck in your conquest." Spoke Genos as he left the apartment. 'Seeing sensei's determination on that is something I should display myself. I'll ensure no rock is left unturned if trouble arises on patrol.'

'Come on, come on, I got th- NO!' He thought as right as he was about to defeat the boss the game paused as a 'low batteries in controller' sign appeared on screen. 'No! Augh, where are the batteries?!'

As he looked around for some, he didn't notice two pair of slitted eyes looking at him through the balcony door that were from the opposite side of the road.

"So this is the guy? He doesn't seem that impressive, were those stories exaggerating?"

"I don't think so sister. Just look at him. Average looking, not at all impressive, and not a single strand of hair on his head. All the stuff we heard, but it's those traits that lead to so many others being crushed without warning."

"Yeah, but how do we make sure? If the stories are true we'll die if we try to test him, right?"

"Hmm, well, if we were to lay in wait and see what he does to some poor fool, then we'll have our answer. If he dies, we can just sneak in and enjoy the leftovers."

"Good call… he appears to be moving around frantically, I think something has happened."

"Come on, I know there were some batteries around here, but where?!" He cried as he quickly dashed around the entire apartment, opening drawers, throwing things aside but no luck.

"Maybe he's sensing something's wrong."

"I doubt-" The first voice was cut off as they heard a crash and looked down the road to see some kind of large rhino lumbering around with numerous horns on its body and smashing into buildings.

Saitama stopped running when he felt a shake and spotted something roll out from under the couch and snatched them up with a smile. "There you are!"

"Everyone tremble before the might of the Extinction Rhino!" Called the monster as he sniffed the air. "I know there's food here, give it to me or perish!"

"Seems he sensed that beast's presence, now comes when we see what he's made of."

"Or get trampled into paste."

"Either way we'll have our answer." one of the figures said as Saitama heard the monster and groaned.

"Now? Of all times?" He muttered putting the batteries in and got the battery up. "Maybe I can make it if I really push myself, then I can take care of him."

"Come out and face me cowards!" He cried as he knocked a few of the buildings near him, making the earth shake, along with saitama's apartment, making the console fall to the ground and crack, making the game freeze and start to glitch out.

Saitama's expression went still as he looked at the console and picked it up to try and reset, but when it came back on, he saw he was at the very start. "..."

"Hahaha, no one is safe from Extinction Rhino, now give me food!" It roared out as it kept moving with the two figures looking back in the apartment and suddenly saw Saitama was gone.

"Hey, did you-"

"Quiet sister, he's down there."

They looked and saw Saitama outside the apartment in his hero uniform and looking at the rhino who noticed him.

"Eh? So, the hero association finally sent someone to deal with me, huh?" It snorted. "A bit puny, but I'll crush any hero that gets in my way."

"You ruined my game… you'll pay!"He called in annoyance before launching forward and punching the monster in the chest, exploding it like a ripe tomato.

The two figures went wide eyed with slack jaws and saw a trail dig into the street from sheer force before seeing Saitama go back into the building.

"Sister...the rumors were true."

"Yes, if anything they played down his power, he is beyond expectations!"

"Which means this is our chance. Our best chance at protection. Only question is how to talk to him without him ending us right away."

"Good question, but for now, all that matters is that the others don't learn of this, he will be ours and ours alone sister."

"Agreed."

As the two laid down on the building, several other creatures were making their way into the area after hearing the sound of the punch with a few seeing the remains of the rhino land near them.

'I've found him.'

(Later)

"Yo Saitama, you in there?" Called King knocking on the door.

"Yeah, I'm here, come on in." Came the man's voice, though he sounded a bit depressed.

"Cool, you doing ok, you sound a bit off?" He replied opening and looked in to see Saitama staring at the gaming console with a depressed aura. "What's going on?"

"Monster attack...game fell off the shelf… lost my data…"

"Well it's not something you can't get back." Replied King walking over and picked the console up to look it over. "It doesn't look broken, so that's a relief."

"I was so close...so close to the end…"

"Well, you can borrow it later and try again, I'm just here to pick up my game."

Saitama looked at King with a hopeful gleam and gave two thumbs up. "You rock!"

"Heh, I do don't I?" He smiled at the praise before they heard a knock at the door. "Sounds like Genos is back."

"Maybe, I'll get it, maybe he brought back some food." Saitama said as he got up and made his way to the door. "Hey Genos, did...who are you?"

"Hi, you are Saitama, correct?" Asked a tall woman in a prim grey business suit with black hair in a bun as she held a clipboard that hid her mouth.

"Yes, that's me."

"Good, and you are currently single, correct?"

"Huh?" He tilted his head confused. "Why do you ask? Just who are you?"

"I am Yukira Takimona and I need you to sign here, here, here, and here." Said the woman, showing him the clipboard and a pen, revealing a pair of sharp teeth.

"But what is it?" He asked scratching his head. "Are you a census taker?"

"No, I am the CEO of Takimona industries, I control a large chunk of business done in cities O to Z, now please sign the paper." She urged with Saitama rubbing his chin.

"Mmm, I think I've heard of them, but I can't really remember. What do you people make?"

"We're a reconstruction company with numerous other smaller organizations we've accumulated, we repair damage done by monsters and heroes, the paper now." She reminded while sounding impatient while Saitama looked at it.

"Is this a form for the building? The landlord didn't mention anything about the building being fixed up."

"It's not that, now just sign please."

"But what am I signing, what happens once I sign?"

"Uh...it's…" She stopped when she saw King on the other side of Saitama looking confused making her pale. 'Oh no! It's King himself! Here?! Now?!'

"Hey Saitama, who is it?"

"She says she's a CEO of a reconstruction company and wants me to sign this for some reason."

"Why, the building isn't damaged. Wait… have I seen you before?" He said as the woman paled a bit more.

"Uh, w-w-well I just have that face you recognize, nothing more." She gulped.

"No, no...wait, aren't you that CEO infamous for implementing numerous hostile takeovers of smaller companies?"

"Uh...I ...oh would you look at the time! I better get going, thanks for your time!" She spoke taking the clipboard and quickly walking away with a nervous sweat. 'That was too close, I'll have to try back when the King isn't here, I'm just glad his engine didn't start up!'

"What was that all about?" Asked Saitama closing the door. "What did you mean by that?"

"Well I saw an article about a week ago about her, she is infamous for bullying, bribing, and blackmailing companies into selling out to her, so her company would buy them out then either liquidate the entire company and lay everyone off or keep them going but worsen conditions. According to the article, she had been acting odd and had disappeared a month ago."

"Really? Hmm, then maybe she wanted me to sign a contract to make me leave to make it easier on buying this place." Surmised Saitama rubbing his chin. "The rent is pretty high."

"Did you read anything on the paper before she left?"

"Not really, I wonder what it was exactly?" He pondered while said woman left the building while looking at the clipboard with a frown.

"Damn it, why wouldn't he just sign the contract and marriage licence, why did he have to make things difficult, and why was King there?!"

"King's in there? Excellent info." Remarked a female voice making her jump and whirl around, but didn't see anything.

"Hey, who said that?" She looked around. "Show yourself!"

"I'm right down here, under your shoe."

"What?" She said as she looked down to see a green puddle moving past her feet. "Hey watch it! These shoes cost more than your existence!"

"Yeah, well now they're radioactive, so have fun with that!" Laughed the puddle as Takimona took the shoes off and kicked them away with them burning through the rubble. 'In the meantime, I'm gonna see what I can learn from spying on this Saitama. He'll never expect a puddle and I'll find out just what he's into. Genius!' She thought as she began to travel into the building, ignoring the fact that her slime was burning away at the ground under her.

"When I get my claws on that bitch…" Growled Takimona as her nails grew into sharp claws while her eyes darkened. "This is my territory."

"I think you are a bit hasty in claiming that stake, don't you agree sister?"

"Big time, especially trying something so pathetic as using a piece of paper."

"Of course, we're monsters, we take what we want, not rely on weak human methods after all."

"Scram you two." Growled the CEO looking at what looked like an anthro cat with two heads, one with white fur and black ears, the other with black fur and white ears, with two tails with the colors reversed with a shapely body. "Go eat an old rotten fish, I'm busy."

"So are we, so go away, you're in OUR territory, we marked this place last night."

"Right over on the opposite building in fact." remarked the white head pointing at the rooftop. "Now scream, you had your shot."

"At buying some real estate, that's it." the woman waved off.

"Nice try, but we know the real reason." Frowned the black head. "You and that puddle are here for the same thing we are, and chances are we won't be the last either, that's why me and my sister are here to make sure we claim him first."

"You're delusional. You have no proof I'm here for anything but business."

"Really, then you don't mind if we see your clipboard, hmm?"

"As a matter of fact I do. Fleabags like you wouldn't understand, let alone how to read."

"Please, we're two hundred years old, cats may get two tails if they live a hundred years, but no one knows that they get another head if they last twice as long!"

"Now show us the clipboard, or we take it." Warned the black head as they brought out their own claws.

"Hey, if you think I'm going to bend to a two headed furball you're wrong!"

"We warned you." Smirked the white head before letting out a hiss as they lunged at her. As they fought the goo made her way down the hall towards Saitama's room.

'Alright, so long as I don't stand out much or let him know I'm here, I can do my reconnaissance no problem.' She thought as she reached his room and began to squeeze under the door, unintentionally melting part of it off. '... maybe he won't notice that?'

"Here Saitama, let me show you an easy way to get through the game a bit faster."

"Really? Awesome, go ahead."

'Yes, he's here, but who's with him?' she thought raising an eyestalk to look over and zoomed in on the face, only to pale and shake. 'KING?! The strongest hero in the world?! What's he doing here?!' She thought as she tried to keep it together. 'O-Ok, calm down, maybe he's just here to visit, there's know way he knows about you, right?'

"See you just input a cod, you do it like this, and this, that, and there."

"Whoa, that's awesome, but isn't that a bit like cheating?"

"Nah, if it was the programmers wouldn't have put it in the game." Smiled King before he noticed something glowing and turned, making the goo quickly hide around the corner and saw the hole in the door. "Uh, Saitama? What happened to your door?"

"Huh? What do you me- whoa! No no no no no, what happened?!"

"Whoa, calm down, it's just a door."

"But now I'll have to buy a new door! And just when I was saving up to try and buy something really worth whiled. I was hoping to buy some fresh crab that would be going on sale next month, and they aren't cheap."

'Oh no, I made him mad! What do I do, what do I do?!' Wondered the goo shaking. 'Should I make my way out? If they see me no doubt they'll do whatever it takes to end me!' She thought as she curled up into a ball and shivered. 'And even if they don't do that he'll hate me, I can't have that happen!'

With that she waited till they looked away before slinking through the hole as fast as possible. 'I'll have to try again later, at least now I know what he might enjoy.'

"Don't worry, I can pay for it if you want?" King offered, making Saitama sigh in relief.

"Thanks, then if I get that crab I'll invite you over with Genos and I to enjoy it."

"Cool, well I gotta go, see you later." King said as he took the game and began to leave.

"See ya." He waved while outside the twin headed cat was winning while Takimona panted with scratches on her suit.

"Ready to give up, you are barely a monster, just a salary woman playing the part and nothing more!"

"Shut up! You're nothing but a housecat that's lived longer than most! My old house cat had a better bite to her than you do!"

"Well your house cat has nothing on us, now get ready to die bitch!"

"Yeah, no, I don't think so!" She cried with a glare. "I'm going to skin you alive and make you into a new pair of fur lined boots!"

"Just try it bitch!" Growled the cat as a figure began to approach the fighters with neither noticing them. "We'll enjoy picking your tacky shoes from our teeth!"

"They're not tacky, they're stylish, professional, and expensive!"

"Like, what the heck are you two doing? It's like totes in my way."

Both fighters paused and looked over only for both to groan loudly.

"Oh no, not you!"

"Hey, like, what's that supposed to mean?" Asked the figure who was revealed to be a woman with dark tanned skin, long bleached blond hair that seemed to curl all around and wore fake nails, a tiger patterned long sleeved top that showed a large amount of cleavage with a tight black skirt with matching heels, pink lips, and with reptile slitted eyes that were red while wearing high heels.

"We mean you're annoying to be around, shouldn't you be out trying to seduce teenagers or something?"

"Like omg, that's not even close." She scoffed while looking at her phone. "Like, why would I want gross virgins that aren't even my taste? That's totes lame."

"Because you look like a walking nightmare that only a hormonal pre teen would want to touch?" Guessed the white cat head with a snicker making the dark skinned woman glare at. "I mean look at you, I'm amazed your hair is still on you with so much bleach you must have showered in."

"For once I have to agree with the feline, you do look rather ridiculous, like a beauty salon exploded while you were still inside."

The woman felt her eye twitch before her hair started to twitch and rose up with the tips curling more while producing protruding blades from them. "Like, say one more word, and I'll like totally paint this place with your old lady and rat blood."

"I think you mean cat, or did that bleach reach your brain?"

"No, I like mean rat." She spoke as her hair lashed out and nearly cut the two up if they didn't jump, but did cause a huge hole to be formed while the woman grinned. "Because that's what you totes are."

'Shit I forgot how powerful the bitch actually is!' Thought the cat with a frown.

"I've had to deal with tough people in business, dealing with a sunburnt skank is-WOAH!" Cried Takimona who nearly got crushed by a rock the woman chucked whose eye twitched.

"What were you saying old hag?" She asked in a sickly sweet voice that promised death at the wrong answer.

"Uh…."

"Because it like totally sounded like you called ME, a skank." She said as she cracked her neck. "Now, like, I totally know you didn't mean to say that, RIGHT?"

"Uh…." she let out with a gulp before noticing King leaving the apartment making her eyes widen. 'Crap! I forgot to leave before he came out!'

"Huh? What's going on?" He said, making all three monsters freeze. 'Is that a two headed cat girl?!'

'Like, oh no! King!? What's that guy doing here?!' Thought the ganguro girl as King stood there with his engine revving up, putting all the monsters on high alert.

'What do I do, I can't fight her and there are witnesses he- wait, is that gangero's hair moving like knives? Wait, she's a monster too!' He thought sweating more as his engine got louder.

'Crap! He's ready to fight!' Thought the black cat head. "Sister, we need to flee, now!'

"Agreed, now is not the time to fight!" She said before they both took off.

"Like, look at the time, I totally have a hair appointment to get too, bye!" Waved the ganguro who managed to run away at high speed even in heels.

'No, how do I get out of this?!' Thought Takimona as King turned to her, his 'engine' getting louder and louder. "W-Wait! I'm going! I swear!"

"Wait, you dropped this." He said as he spotted her clipboard in front of him.

"N-No need to worry, I got plenty." She gulped backing up.

"No, I insist." He said as he picked it up. 'Just take it and go before I have a heart attack!'

'Crap! If he gets up close, I'm a goner!' She thought before turning and scrambled off in fear as fast as possible.

"...oh thank god, she's gone." He sighed as he saw her run away as fast as possible. 'I thought my heart was gonna explode. I was scared I'd get attacked by three monsters at once.'

He ignored the green slime leaving the door behind him and quickly enter a nearby sewer grate. But what he didn't know was a pair of slitted eyes looking at the building.

'Those fools are all incompetant. Seems it's up to me to actually take my chance and prove to him I can be useful.'

(Next day)

Saitama was watching the news as Genos was whipping up breakfast. "Sensei, the eggs will be ready soon, do you want cheese or no cheese in them?"

"I thought we were out of cheese."

"Oh, I had forgotten, a thousand apologies sensei, I can run to the store quick if you wish?"

"Nah, by the time you come back the breakfast will be cold." He remarked before hearing a knock at the door. "Hang on, I'll get it."

"Yes sensei." Genos said as Saitama made it to the door and opened it only to blink in mild surprise.

"Uh…"

"Hello there, I take it you're the human called Saitama?" Asked the figure, that being of a tiger that was taller than Saitama in a blue housewife style clothing with a white apron on and her claws on her hips.

"Yes…. is this supposed to be a surprise attack or something?" He asked in confusion. 'At least she didn't burst through the wall like that rude bug guy.'

"Oh heavens no. I'm not like some other monsters." She waved off. "I have come here to meet and talk to you face to face."

"Ok… why?" He asked in confusion. "Don't you wanna fight or something?"

"Of course not." She shook her head. "But I would like to come in, I have an important matter to talk to you about."

"Um… ok." He said, letting her in. 'I wonder what she wants?'

"Thank you." she bowed walking in before smelling the food and shook her head. "Who's cooking?"

"Genos." He replied as said cyborg turned and went on high alert.

"Sensei! We're under attack!"

"Don't raise that tone with me!" Snarled the tiger with her arms crossed and pointed at him. "I came here to talk about something important, but it can wait. What are you cooking?"

"Scrambled eggs with toast, and don't lie to me monster, you will not harm sensei!"

"Genos, cool it, I let her in." Spoke Saitama as the tiger raised an eyebrow with a scoff.

"That's it? That's not a balanced breakfast at all. Step aside, I'll have to fix this."

"Excuse me, the meal has all necessary nutrients needed, and why would I let a monster cook, you might poison our food, plus I already made breakfast, you cooking is unnecessary."

"Oh please, as a mother I know what I'm doing, now move aside."

"Huh? You're a mom? So is there a little tiger monster cub running around?" Saitama asked curiously.

The tiger woman gritted her teeth with a snarl before closing her eyes and let out a deep breath. "I don't wanna talk about it."

"Ok, so, what did you want to talk about?"

"Please, allow me to help improve on this meal and I'll explain everything." She bowed her head. "It's the least I can do for barging in like this."

"The meal is fine." Genos argued with a frown.

"Eh, let her do what she wants, the eggs expire tomorrow anyway." Spoke up Saitama making her smile.

"Thank you, you won't be disappointed." She said as she pushed Genos aside as she got to work.

(Later)

"Done!" She smiled setting the plates down, showing scrambled eggs, along with some small celery stalks with smoking hot steak cuts and even some fried fish nuggets. "Eat up, and make sure you have something healthy to wash it all down with."

"Whoa, where did you get all this?" Saitama asked in surprise as she made her way back to the kitchen.

"A proper housewife has the essentials on hand. That and there were some unused food in the freezer that seemed to be going to waste and managed to cook them up. They would have gone back tomorrow."

"Really? Awesome, thanks." He said as he began to dig in.

"Sensei wait! Let me scan them first." spoke up Genos.

"Tch, I'm not someone who'd go and waste food with something nasty like poison. If you don't believe me, then don't eat, Saitama can have it all." She frowned while doing the dishes from the previous night.

"Poison doesn't work on me, I am just worried about sensei." He said as he quickly scanned the food before sighing. "It's fine Sensei."

"I'll say, it tastes great!" he spoke through a mouthful.

"Do chew your food, you could easily choke if you're not careful." She said as she walked back over with a glass of milk. "Here, drink up so you can grow big and strong."

He chewed his food and swallowed before taking the glass and drank it before sighing. "Thanks. So what did you want to talk about?"

"I'm going to go straight to the point. I wish for protection."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Look, I'll get to the point, monsters, and people who change into them have no rights and are either killed on sight or sent to 'research' centers never to see the light of day again." She spoke sitting down at the table. "Take me for instance, ever since I changed I couldn't go about as a human anymore. I was just a regular mother and wife who did her duties because she wanted to make her family safe. I even did everything possible to keep my son safe, even urged him to go into college, but…"

"It's ok." Spoke Saitama with a somber expression. "It's not easy when we lose someone close. I-"

"Lose? Oh no no no, I didn't lose him."

"...really? Oh, it sounded like you were getting ready to tell us him and your husband were dead."

"Of course not! They're living fine and dandy, but I left because I didn't want to deal with their attitude." She huffed. "I spent my son's life telling him what to do. Brush your teeth, do the homework until it was done, what not to do, what to do, I even tried to get him into a fancy school and be a doctor like I wanted, but nooo, he goes off and acts up and says how I'm 'smothering' him and what does he do? He goes off, meets a girl at school, and then thinks it's a better idea to date her and work in a small bakery. A bakery! Can you believe that?"

"What, did he lose his job and not succeed?"

"No, he is now running it, but I did not raise him to settle for a lowly position like that! He was going to be an amazing doctor!"

"It sounds as though you were acting as a helicopter parent." Spoke up Genos.

"Hey! Just because I told him what to do, how to do it, and what not to do, does NOT make me a helicopter parent!"

"But what about your husband?" Asked Saitama. "Did he have a problem with it?"

"No! He goes up and says 'our son will make a great baker' and didn't seem bothered at all! Come on, which makes more money and is more respected, a baker or doctor?"

"Doctor, but did your son want to be a doctor?"

"Of course he did, why else would I sign him up for all those extra after school classes, give him those expensive textbooks for his birthday and christmas and make sure he got into a good school?"

"But did he ever say he was fine with that?"

"...well not technically." She admitted before shaking her head. "But come on, a mother knows what's best for her child, but when he went off with that floozy to be a baker, I was beyond angry. It felt like I did all that for nothing, and before I knew it, I became like this. So I decided if my work isn't appreciated, I wouldn't stay around, and left. Ever since then I've been trying to survive like a human and avoid any heroes or other monsters who might want to eat me."

"Ah… ok, I think I get it, so when your son didn't become what you wanted him to be you turned into a literal tiger mom and then left your old life behind?"

"I prefer to call myself Den Mother, it has respect to it." She huffed. "When I heard the rumors about a hero who was capable of defeating giant monsters with a single punch, I thought that maybe I could come here and get protection. I'm willing to pick up the pace and help around in exchange of course. I'm not slouch."

"Well I don't know, it is kind of cramped in here already…"

"I can pay for rent?" She suggested making Saitama perk up.

"But how do you have any money?"

"Well when offering my work as a maid scared people off, I went ahead to make handmade bento lunches to sell." She said with a smile. "I made a website and drop them off in front of people's doors before they leave for work, plus I still have all my old accounts, cards, and so on from when I was human."

"...ok, you can stay."

"Thank you!" She said with a smile as she pulled him into a hug, his face being pushed against her breasts.

Genos stood up in alarm with Saitama being still in the position, but inwardly stunned.

'Am I feeling something soft, or is that just her fur? Do I say it out loud? Will I be in trouble if I do or don't? I've never had to deal with a position like this.' Thought the bald man as the woman began to lightly purr happily. 'Should I try to pull away or would that be rude, or is staying like this even ruder?'

"Release sensei." Spoke Genos while Den Mother frowned at him.

"You really should learn some manners, I'm merely hugging him in gratitude." She let go of Saitama and stood up. "I'll get started on cleaning this place up until it shines."

"There is no need, I already cleaned up this morning." Genos said with a frown as she glared back, lightning traveling between both of them.

"Well apparently not enough. I saw a thin layer of dust on the top of the cupboard."

"I am sure you are mistaken, and I think this is a bad idea sensei, you do not need a maid."

"Well she did lend some help with breakfast, and she's willing to help pay rent, which means," He smiled with a glint and thumbs up. "we can get that crab much easier."

"But how can we trust her? She could strike us in our sleep."

"Ugh! How rude! Did your mother give you any manners?" Frowned Den Mother. "Like I'd do something as rude as attack someone in their sleep. That's when someone shouldn't be bothered."

"But you are a monster, this could all be a ruse to try and end us in our sleep."

"Young man, if you keep up with that kind of talk I will bend you over my knee and discipline you myself!" She snarled with her claws out while Genos looked ready to fight while Saitama sighed.

"Both of you, no fighting. I'm getting tired of paying for holes in the apartment to get fixed."

"But… fine sensei, but I still think this is a bad idea."

"Thank you Saitama-san, in the meantime I'll try to make you a healthy bento for lunch. A hero needs his protein after all." She bowed.

"No need, I will be procuring and making sensei crab today."

"Good, then I'll make sure the dishes are actually cleaned before cooking it just right so he can get all the nutrients from it. I HAVE learned how to cook crab several ways after all."

"Yes, well I'm sure master would prefer food WITHOUT cat hair on them."

"Are you saying I'd be so gross as to lick myself clean!?"

"Yes, yes I do, you are a giant cat so it would not be surprising."

"I used water like a normal person!" She growled as they glared at each other. "I guess you wouldn't know about that seeing how water would make a bucket of bolts like you rust."

"I'll have you know I was made to be waterproof."

"Oh, so you don't have to worry about shorting out huh? Then go take a shower, you reek." She said as Saitama got up and began to leave. "You smell of sweat, motor oil and desperation!"

"Uh, I'll leave you two in charge here, I need to get on patrol." spoke the hero getting his costume.

"Good, I'll clean up here and deal with the trash." She said as she glared at Genos.

"I'll help, to make sure you don't make a bigger mess."

'I hope they calm down by the time I get back.' Saitama headed outside, but stopped when he saw a basket sitting on the floor with a sheet over it and some kind of weird burned trail going down the hall. "...what is going on?' He said as he approached the basket in confusion. He looked under the sheet and went wide eyed seeing some fresh crab in it. "Oh hell yes!"

'Yes, I knew a fellow hero would appreciate the gift!' Thought the goo puddle looking around the corner. 'I'm just glad I didn't get any of them covered in goo, I wanna get on his good side, not make him think I want to poison him.'

"Genos! Den Mother! We're having crab!" Called Saitama bringing the basket in quickly.

"Really? Already sensei?' Called Genos who was currently wrestling the tiger mom who was trying to shove him into a large trash bag.

"Yeah, someone left a basket of the crab I was gonna buy right outside the door."

"Is it fresh? It might be bad from sitting out there."

"I think so, it's still in its packaging."

"Ok, just leave it here then and I'll cook something up for when you get home."

Saitama put it on the counter and headed outside and went down the street while the ganguro from yesterday watched from a nearby corner with a grin.

'Good, once you're all alone and away from any other heroes I can totally start wooing you~' She thought while making sure her cleavage was showing and followed in the heels with Saitama keeping his eyes peeled.

'Come on, please let something attack me that will make this day interesting and give me a challenge!' he thought before hearing a loud yell followed by a crash that was near him and saw a smashed car in a heap that was burning. 'Wow, that was fast. Thank you kami.'

"YOU!" Came a loud voice down the street. "Are you him?!"

"Huh? Are you talking to me?" He asked a figure walked past the car and towards him.

"Damn straight I'm talking to you! Do you see anyone else?!" Called the figure who appeared to be a tall woman with slicked back hair and several large tattoos wearing a pair of shorts and an open jacket with only a wrapping around her breasts holding a large bat.

"Well now that you mention it, no." He replied bluntly looking around while she scoffed.

"So you're the hero called Saitama eh? You don't look like tough shit to me."

"Ok… so are you a normal human or a monster?"

"Monster!" She yelled slamming her bat on the ground and forming a crater while growling. "Do I look like a fuckin' pansy ass human?! Huh!?"

"Kinda, just wanted to know if I'd get in trouble for punching you." He replied while her eye twitched.

"I heard you can take out bozos with just one punch, is that true or is it a bunch of bullshit?"

"It's true, now hold still." He said as he cocked back his fist. 'Is she really a monster? She looks human, and is as strong as that metal bat guy, maybe a warning punch near her like I gave Genos will make her give up?'

The woman smirked and held her bat back. "Good, I wanna see if it's all a bunch of rumors or if you're tough shit, give me your best shot!"

"No, I'll give you a lazy punch." He said as he swung his fist forward.

"Lazy! Why you son of-" She was cut off suddenly feeling a rush of wind go by her and nearly knocked her over. She slowly turned and saw not just her bat broken, but the building near her with a gaping hole in it that made her drop her jaw all the way to the ground. "Ah...ah...ah…."

"Good, for a second I thought I didn't hold back enough and was gonna destroy the city." He said as she fell to her knees.

"It's...true...you...you're strong…" She let out in shock before closing her eyes and let out a deep breath. "Well shit, I didn't think it was true, but damn."

"Yeah…. So… you can go now or…"

"Teach me to be as strong as you boss!" She spoke up bowing her head making Saitama blink.

"...eh?"

"You're stronger than me and the old boss, so I gotta learn how you got so strong!" She spoke with a gleam in her eyes. "Please, take me on as your underling!"

"...no thanks, I'm good." He spoke making her gawk with shock before he turned and started walking away. "Please don't cause any damage."

"What?! No, you can't just leave me after that!" She cried as she began to grow larger as her tattoos began to move.

"Sorry, but I gotta make sure to stop any crimes going on around here. Plus, I already have one."

"Then take me too, you can have multiple subordinates!" She spoke out while her voice became deeper while growing bigger than some of the buildings. "I can be of value!"

"Oh. you really were a monster, huh?"

"Yes, so take me on, I will follow you to the ends of the earth boss!"

Saitama sighed and was about to respond, but heard a loud scream of fear before turning, only to find his head in between breasts that had a dark tan to them.

"Eeeek! A giant ugly monster! Save me!"

'Where did she come from, there was no one around!' He thought, mildly surprised by this new turn of events.

"Hey, don't bug the boss!" Yelled the large female while the one holding Saitama was revealed to be the ganguro.

'Why is her skin so wet, is she covered in paint or something?' He wondered as the woman hugged him tightly close.

"Like, don't let the monster eat me mr. hero!"

"I'm not gonna eat a bitch who's covered in shit!" Snarled the female while the ganguro stuck her tongue out. "Let the boss go or I'll paint this street in your shitty ass blood!"

"No fighting, and shrink back down or you get punched." Saitama got out with a finger raised making the large monster pale.

"But-But boss! This random slut is clinging to you like a random skank."

"Like...what did you just say?" Said the Ganguro who let go of Saitama as she glared up at the monster yakuza woman. "You wanna die bitch?!"

"Bring it! I'll chew you up and spit you out!"

"Then let's go cunt, bring it on!" She yelled while Saitama stood to the side and saw her hair form blades making him blink.

'Wow, another monster that could pass for a human. This is pretty rare by my standards.' He thought as he saw the monsters race at each other and begin fighting. 'I should probably go…'

"I'm gonna rip those hair extensions from your skull!"

"Bring it on you paint splattered wannabe gangster!"

(Later)

Saitama sighed while sitting on a bench and feeling bored. So far he hadn't found any normal crimes to deal with, meaning his day was coming up empty. 'Maybe I should try moving out of city Z, this place is kind of abandoned.'

"Heheheh, why the long face mister?" Called a bubbly voice from a nearby alley, making him stop. "Come on, show me a smile!"

"Who's there? If you're gonna try and rob me, the jokes on you, I didn't carry any money today."

"Oh I don't want that, I just wanna have fun!" They chuckled before he heard the sound of a wheel coming closer. "If you need some help smiling, then have no fear, I'm the clown for the job!"

"Clown?" Saitama saw a figure on a unicycle coming out while juggling various colored balls. It was a woman who had a red nose, pink lips, and a white face with curly red hair. Her clothes involved a pair of blue overalls with a pink and yellow striped tank top and big red shoes.

"Yep, now how about giving little old me a big old smile~?" She chuckled as she rode around him with a smile.

"Eh, no thanks." He waved at her before looking down. "I'm not much for smiling right now."

"Aw, why not, what's got you down?"

"I can't seem to find anything to stop like usual." He replied as she stopped juggling. "Usually I find giant monsters and hope for a real fight, but they end up down in one punch. I can't even find a purse snatcher so it feels like I'm out here for nothing really."

"Really? Well that sucks, but at least you're strong, right?"

"What's the point in being strong if nothing is a challenge, if nothing can beat me or make me put effort into winning?" He asked while she rubbed her chin. "It feels like I'm forever stuck on cheat mode in a video game."

"Oh, well, is there anything that I could do to help, maybe a good joke?"

"...maybe."

"Great! Knock knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Abbot."

"Abbot who?"

"Abbot time you answered the door!" She laughed slapping her knee while Saitama kept an impassive look. "Get it?"

"No." He said, making her faceplant with a groan.

"Come on, that was comedy gold!" She frowned. "Who doesn't like the comedy of puns?"

"Eh, not my thing." He said, making her shake her head. "Well, I better get back to patrolling for monsters."

"Hold up! As a proud clown, it's my job to make sure everyone has a smile on their face. Check out this!" She pulled out a balloon and began to inflate it, then started to twist it around into an octopus. "Can you guess what it is?"

"A mollusk?"

"No, it's an octopus! Come on, smile, SMILE!" She urged while grabbing his cheeks to get a smile and let go, only for him to get his usual expression. "Come oooon, isn't there anything to cheer you up for sure?"

"A sale."

"A….sale?" She asked in confusion.

"Yeah, the kind at stores. It means having to pay for less on groceries and getting good food at the same time."

"I...I don't… how am I supposed to do that?!" She cried out in shock. 'I've never had someone say something so...average!'

"Well, that's the only thing that will make me smile, and even then it's iffy, every day I feel less and less…"

The clown looked at him in confusion before dropping the balls. "I...don't know how I can work with that."

"Sorry, I guess you just can't." He shrugged before getting up. "I better get back to patrolling, maybe I can catch a dine n ditcher before I have to head home."

"I… I can't let you go, I will not let you leave my sight until you smile and laugh!" She spoke following after him. "On my honor as a clown, I WILL get you to smile!"

"That's really not necessary."

"It very much is!" She huffed keeping up with him. "Trust me, I'll find out something that'll cheer you up right away."

"...ok." He said as he began to walk away, the clown girl following him. "But just until I have to head home."

"No, until you smile!"

"... did I just get a stalker?" He muttered to himself confused while the radioactive goo from earlier watched them near a tree with a growl.

'That damn clown bitch, he's mine!'

(Later)

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Orange."

"Orange who?" Saitama asked with a sigh.

"Orange you glad I made you smile? Ahaha! Get it?"

"No, because I haven't smiled yet." He pointed out making the clown girl groan. "But I do have a question. You ARE human, right?"

"...define human." She said with a nervous chuckle.

"You're not, are you?"

"...maybe?"

"Why am I not surprised? How did a monster end up a clown?"

"Well quite frankly it's a pretty funny story, so funny you'll bust a gut laughing!"

"I'll hear it but it has to be twenty words or less."

"I wanted to be the best clown in the world, next thing I know I became a monster."

"Huh… it seems like being passionate for anything is a sure fire way to turn into a monster these days." He said as she shrugged.

"Hey, being passionate about making people happy isn't a crime. Besides, if it weren't for my tongue, you couldn't tell the difference." She said as she stuck it out to reveal it was extremely long… and purple?

"Huh… neat." He said as she sucked her tongue back in.

"Other than that I'm just the same as when I was human. Other than the fact that my head tends to fall off, but other than that, I'm-" She was off as the ganguro from before came flying over and crashed into her.

"Get away from my man!" She cried, the clown's head flying off due to the force from the tackle.

"Ow! Ow! Ow!" She spoke bouncing on the ground while Saitama sweatdropped.

"That looks like it could get annoying." He said as he reached down and picked up her head. "Wait, aren't you that monster ganguro girl from earlier?"

"Like, you totes remember!" She smiled getting up and tossing her hair over her shoulder. "Like totally cutie."

"Weren't you trying to kill me with your hair?"

"What? Like no way. I was trying to kill that flat chested old lady. She totally had it out for me." She huffed shaking her head with a smirk. "I don't blame her, girls like that are jealous of my style."

"Of what, being covered in makeup? That's just gross." smirked the clown girl making the ganguro girl growl.

"This coming from some girl wearing just white? FYI, it's way past Labor day."

"Hey, I'm a clown, it's cool for me to wear this! Now give me my body back!"

"Oh? You mean this?" She asked pointing to the body which twitched under her before she grinned. "I'll give it back, under one condition."

"And what's that?" She asked with a frown.

"He has to give me a kiss."

"...huh?" He said in confusion. "Why would you want that?"

"Because like, you're totes cute." She said as the clown glared at her.

"Saitama, beat her up, she's holding my body hostage!"

"Uh, any chance you could give her body back?"

"Oh come on, all I want is a kiss!" She pouted. "Is that so wrong?"

"YES!/I dunno?"

"Come on, one kiss on the lips and this clown gets her body back no problem."

"Punch her! Do it now!" cried the clown girl's head jumping in Saitama's heads.

Saitama sweatdrop while the ganguro winked and sighed. "Alright."

"What?!"

"It's just a kiss, it's not a big deal."

"Yes! Pucker up cutie." She said only for him to quickly peck her on the lips and then pull back. "What? Oh come on, that was barely a kiss!"

"But it was still one." He said as he put the clowns head back on.

"Like, that was a jip!" She pouted.

"Whatever, I have to get back to patrol." He said as he began to walk away.

"Like, wait!" She spoke following him as the clown jumped up and did the same. "Like, you could totally let me follow you, right? I mean, who wouldn't like being seen with a hottie like me?"

"I dunno, but I have to focus on fighting monsters, plus no one is around."

"Like, why focus on fighting monsters? Oh! We could totally go shopping instead."

"Nothing here is open, all the stores are closed, and I'm good." He replied casually making her frown and the clown girl chuckle.

'Stupid bitch, you're not gonna get him, he's mine~'

(Later)

"Genos, I'm back." Called Saitama entering his apartment.

"Ah, sensei, you're back, we have to talk about the maid you hired, she is out of control!" Spoke the cyborg firmly while Saitama walked over and sat at the table.

"What do you mean? Seems like this place is in one piece." He remarked looking around.

"She tried to put me in a dumpster and is trying to plan out the rest of your life!" He spoke out in exasperation before hearing a knock at the door. "I'll get that sensei."

"Cool, i'm gonna relax for a bit." He said as the cyborg opened up the door.

"Yes, who are you?" He asked looking at the ganguro who crossed her arms.

"Like, don't you know who I am? You're totally talking to the biggest model in this whole country." She smirked with pride.

"No." He said before slamming the door shut in her face. He turned to leave before there was a bang on the door.

"Hey! Like, open up!"

"Go away, no solicitors." He said as she just kept banging.

"I'm no lame ass solicitor! You're talking to Miku Okazaki! Ganguro model extraordinaire!"

"I do not care, please leave or I will call the authorities." He spoke before hearing a yell and saw the door come crashing down due to a long bladed tendril making him get on guard as the woman stepped in with a growl.

"I said I was coming in, so I'm fucking coming in!"

"WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DOOR?!" Called Saitama with wide eyes before Miku gasped.

"OMG! That clown lady like totally broke your door!"

"I did not!" She called as she pushed the Ganguro to the ground and walked over her. "Bonnie Bonanza is not a psycho!"

"What's all the racket!" Called Den Mother rushing out with a mop and bucket and gasped. "Oh my goodness! What have you done to the door?! And WHAT are you two wearing?!"

"What? I look fun and happy in this." Bonnie said in confusion. "Who are you?"

"I'm the one who just got done cleaning this place. What kind of grown women go around wearing that much tacky makeup? And you!" She pointed at Miku. "What are you wearing? Cover up!"

"Hey, calm down you old hag!"

"My face is naturally this white!"

Saitama groaned seeing the women argue while Genos leaned over.

"Shall I remove them now sensei?"

"I'm thinking about it."

"I'll prepare method of elimination that will leave a minimum mess." He said as Saitama groaned.

"What else could happen?" He muttered before hearing someone knock at the wall.

"Excuse me?"

"Huh? Wait, is someone in the apartment next to us?" Saitama asked in surprise.

"No, I'm just on the other side." Spoke the voice. "Can I speak to you? It's me, Takimona."

"Um… can this wait?"

"Not really, I have news about your apartment and rent."

He sighed and got up before walking past the arguing women and popped his head out to the woman who had her clipboard in front of her face. "What is it?"

"Sorry about yesterday, I...had something to do. Anyways, I came by when I discovered something interesting about your apartment and thought you should know."

"What is it?"

"Your 'landlord' didn't own the building or your apartment, you were being scammed." She said bluntly, making him freeze. "The real owner skipped town a long time ago, your 'landlord' was the old handyman who just so happened to be closing up the building when you were looking for your apartment, he's been arrested and I bought the building."

"...holy crap." He got out in shock. "I've been getting scammed this whole time?"

"Yes, and I am your new landlord, but I do have good news, I went over the old records and I am willing to give you back 75% of what you've been paying the entire time you've been here as long as you sign this paper along with letting you stay here with lower rent."

"Thank you, you're an angel." He smiled with tears of joy shaking her hands before taking the clipboard and jotted his signature on the paper while she smiled.

'Yes! Yes yes yes, he actually signed it!' She thought as she took the clipboard and handed him a large briefcase. "Your money is in there, see you later husband~"

Saitama took the case while failing to hear the last part as she walked off and felt like he hit the lottery before going back into the apartment where Den Mother and Miku was wrestling around while they tore into each other's clothes. "Hey, hey, what is going on?!"

"This bitch is trying to wipe off my makeup!"

"Quit wearing such slutty clothing and take off that makeup! You look like a hooker!" Cried Den Mother as she tried to force a wet cloth onto the gangero's face.

"I am not a hooker you old cat, now get off of me!"

"Bow, this sure is one 'catfight', am I right? Ahahah!" Laughed Bonnie only to get silence and more fighting. "Geez, tough crowd."

"All of you! QUIET!" Yelled Saitama loud enough to rattle the windows making all of them turn to him. "Quit fighting in my apartment!"

"Bu-"

"No buts, everyone but Genos get out, NOW!"

All three stiffened up and nodded before rushing out the door. Once they were out they groaned as he shut the door behind them.

"Damn it, you messed everything up!"

"Me? Like, don't totes get up in my face with that old hag! I just wanted to show him a fun time, maybe go to the mall for some macchiatos, but this clown had to mess it up for me!"

"Me?! You tried to steal my body and were acting like a spoiled bitch, you drove him away from me!"

All three glared at the other before they heard someone panting and turned to see the yakuza woman from before dragging herself while looking a little bloodied.

"Thank god, finally found the place."

"Ugh, like, what are you doing here?" Asked Miku as the woman turned up and scowled.

"Oi! How the fuck did you get here before me?"

"I followed Saitama, how did you get here?" She asked with a growl before the ceiling above them started to melt and the green goo from earlier fell through. "Like, ewww! What the hell is that?"

"A mess is what it is." Frowned Den Mother shaking her head.

"Hey, I'm not a mess!" Called the goo as it began to take shape until it resembled a short green woman. "How'd you like it if I called you a giant kitty cat?"

"I would feel like we're looking at a copycat." Said two voices behind the group simultaneously, making them turn to see the siamese cat girl leaning against a nearby wall.

"Like, great, more pussies." Scoffed Miku.

"Please, these pussies have a better chance of wooing Saitama than you group of misfits." Smirked the white head.

"Sister, we don't need to go down to her level. Unlike her, we have dignity."

"Right, but in a few moments they won't have anything once we deal with them."

"Is that a threat?" Growled Den Mother.

"No, it's a promise faker."

"Hey! None of you did squat, I on the other hand gave him a gift he can use." Smirked the slime woman.

"What, that cheap crab? Oh yes, real original."

"Hey! It took me a lot of work to keep from giving it radiation poisoning! Moving around like I am isn't so simple!"

"So you did that so you could hopefully get closer to him to THEN give him radiation poisoning?"

"... should we be standing so close to her if she is radioactive?"

"Like, if you make my hair fall out, you're totally dead." Frowned Miku.

"Excuse me ladies, but might I ask what you're all doing here?"

All of them turned to see Takimona standing there with her arms crossed and tapping her foot.

"Buzz off salary woman, we're busy."

"Yes, trespassing, now I suggest you all leave MY building."

"Fuck off bitch, I'm not gonna leave boss alone." Frowned the yakuza woman.

"Says who?"

"Me!" She growled as she started to grow.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you unless you want to destroy Saitama's apartment." She raised an eyebrow. "And we all know just how dangerous he can get if provoked."

"...damn it, that's dirty you bitch!"

"Yeah, well I have a proposition for all of you."

"We decide this with a battle royale?" Asked the white cat head.

"No, we settle this like civilized monsters, I own this building and I might be willing to let you all live here...for a price."

"What kind of price?"

"Simple rent and you keep it civilized when in this building and nearby blocks, and no killing me." She smirked. "Do that, and you can all get your own apartments here, but any damage will lead to a higher rent pay."

"And what's to stop us from just killing you now and crashing here?"

"Simple, if I die this building is to be demolished per my last will and testament, meaning you would be responsible for making Saitama homeless." She smirked darkly. "And just imagine what he'd do to the group of monsters that made things hard on him."

"...you bitch, you really thought this through!"

"Of course I did, I've had plenty of time to learn loopholes and how to get what I want no matter what." She chuckled darkly. 'I'll leave out the part where I've already married him legally for now~'

"Like...fine." Frowned Miku. "I'll take an apartment, but it never like, have any rats."

"Sure, sure, we can work out the details later." She waved off. "Now come with me and we can fill out some paperwork then you can get your keys. So long as some of you don't cause anymore damage…" she looked at the glowing goo woman.

"...what?"

"We'll find something for you to wear to keep you from turning this place into Chernobyl."

"Hey! I'm not THAT radioactive!"

"You're burning through the floor as we speak…"

She looked down and blushed while the CEO inwardly chuckled.

'Oh these women are going to be perfect. I make some money, make use out of this land, and with them under the same roof, they'll surely anger Saitama so bad he'll probably end them for me. I'll worry about the robot later.'