Chapter Three: Welcome To Earth, Third Rock From the Sun!
Okay, so...when you define awkward, what do you think of?
One of those "I was SO embarrassed!" articles from a Cosmo magazine, maybe? Like the ones that start off with "I was hanging out at my new boyfriend's house, when I had to haul ass to the ladies." and then proceed to tell some story about how she bled on his couch, or flooded his toilet, or puked in his goldfish tank, or a multitude of other moments that make you shake your head wondering if a real girl somewhere was actually dumb enough to submit that shit to a magazine. And they always, inevitably end with "And boy was my face red!" or "It was so embarrassing, I thought I was going to die!"
Welp. I guess it's my turn now to write one of those. Again, I'll be writing in my head because I still don't have a pen! And I also don't think my newborn lack of manual dexterity could sufficiently grasp something as tiny and fragile as a pen anyways. I haven't even tried to dress myself yet, I mean seriously what do you people take me for, some kind of miracle girl?
Okay, so here it goes.
Dear Reader,
Today, the most awkward, embarrassing thing happened. I woke up as a new vampire and realized the guy I'd been dating wasn't my mate. And that none of the family members I'd thought were mated, actually were. So I decided to kick that guy to the curb and then proceeded to have rebound sex with his adopted dad. But surprisingly, that wasn't the awkward part. And somehow, neither was the part right after that, where his wife, (my ex's mom) gave me a virtual pat on the back for giving her husband my V-Card.
No, the awkward, embarrassing, made-me-want-to-crawl-into-a-hole part, came a few moments later, when my mother of all people and her husband came to the door.
As the patriarch and matriarch of the family, my ex's parents opened the door to greet them. And the most surreal, bizarre, and unfortunate thing happened. It turned out they were mates! As in, my ex's dad, the guy I had just finished giving it up to, turned out to be my mom's mate! And the woman who just high fived me for banging her husband turned out to be the mate of my step-dad!
Needless to say, I was so embarrassed, I thought I was going to die! Tee hee.
Congratulations! Today is your lucky day, folks! Because I have decided to spare you all the long, awkward, boring explanation my vampire family was about to give to my human family about all things vampiric. I'm fairly certain we've all heard that speech before.
So we can just pretend here that I blabbed on for a really long time about all of that stuff.
And then we get to skip ahead to the other, more juicy parts that come next!
"So does this mean I get to become a vampire?" My mother asks hopefully.
Carlisle has her sitting in his lap and is scenting her (which is basically done by licking the person all over, so that they smell like your venom).
"Yes, Darling." He nods. "Though, you may have as much time as you'd like to get your affairs in order first. And you won't have to get a divorce. Because when I turn you, we will be faking your death anyway. So you won't be legally married to Phil anymore."
"But if you fake mine and Bella's deaths, what on earth will that do to poor Charlie?" My mother worries, knowing how devastated my dad would be.
"Aww, Renée! It's sweet to know that you still care." My dad grins, coming in from the kitchen.
Wait one teensy widdle minute here! My dad. Charlie Swan. Just came out of the Cullen family kitchen. Eating a sandwich. Of course, you'd think that was the strange part. But if you think that then really you haven't been paying attention to this story at all so far. Because this is a story where hilarious and often awkward things happen.
So really the sandwich isn't the strange part at all. Neither is his presence in a house full of vampires (including one newborn) on the heels of my change. No, the strange part is the vampire he happens to be holding hands with. I recognize her as one adorable, lovable, energetic little pixie named Alice Cullen.
Mic drop.
"Uhh, Dad?" I question. "What's this? What's this thing that you're doing?" I ask, gesturing to their interwoven hands.
"It is called holding hands, Bella. Surely you know what that looks like." My mother giggles.
I glare at her. Really helpful Renée.
"I know what it is I just want to know what it means. As in...why my best friend and my father are holding hands…" I grumble.
Alice speaks up to explain. "I've known for a long time that Charlie was my mate, Bella. But you see...you came into the family in such an unusual way, what with Edward trying to eat you and then trying to date you, that I figured we were better off bringing in one human at a time. Especially when the first of said humans keeps nearly dying at every turn."
My mother guffaws. "She has a point, Bella, Sweetheart. You are a little clumsy," she helpfully adds.
"Renée would you be so kind as to shut your pie hole? Even I know that pissing off a newborn vampire is bad for your health," my dad chimes in.
"Dad!" I stare at him appalled. "I'm not going to eat Renée, no matter how much she annoys me. Especially now that she's Carlisle's mate. I'm fairly certain that wouldn't go over very well."
"Gee, thanks, Bella! You give a child the best years of your life, and then find out the only reason they won't eat you is because of whose mate you are!" She huffs.
"Mom...you do realize that's not a thing that happens to other people, right?" I smirk, realizing how ridiculous all of this has been. And we haven't even addressed the whole issue of my having had sex with her mate shortly before their arrival. I wonder if Dr. Love plans on telling her that.
I try to catch his eye to see how I should proceed and what we are going to tell her, but as soon as I make eye contact with him, I realize that he hasn't even thought about it yet because he just says: "Shit!" and facepalms.
"What's the matter, Sweetheart?" Renée asks him, looking far more concerned over him than she usually does over me.
Thankfully, neither Carlisle or I have to be the one to give her this information, because good ol' Emmett decides to help us out.
"He's trying to figure out how to tell you that he just boned your daughter." Emmett grins.
Carlisle shakes his head and lets out a big breath he was holding in and looks like he's trying to decide if he should kill Em or kiss him. "As awkward as that fact makes things, he is telling the truth."
I decide to help him out. "It's my fault, Mom. I woke up as a horny newborn vampire and found out that Edward was not my mate and that all the Cullen men were unmated, in spite of what I had believed to the contrary, so I decided the easiest and most fun way of finding out who my mate is, would be to try them all out. Carlisle was just the beginning."
"Are you aware, Bella Dear, that statement makes you sound like a raging slut?" My mother sighs.
Surprisingly, it is Rosalie who growls and gets in her face, in spite of Carlisle's protective and threatening growl back at Rose. "Renée...if I hear one more derogatory comment about Bella's sexuality, or the sexuality of any woman, for that matter leave your lips, ever again in my presence...I don't give a fuck whose mate you are, I will wait until you are turned and then I will rip your arms off, okay?"
Carlisle continues to growl as Rose heads back to her seat, but Rosalie just rolls her eyes. "Oh give it a rest, Carlisle. Just because she's your mate does not give her an excuse to go setting women back twenty years! And need I remind you that before she showed up, you would have been the first person to defend Bella?"
That seems to shake Carlisle out of his protective mate mode and back into protective coven leader mode. "She is right about that part, Renée. If anyone else had spoken to Bella that way, I would have chastised them most definitely. And I don't think I would be doing you any sort of service as a mate to start going back on my principles now."
Renée sighs dramatically and looks at me. "I was speaking from jealousy, Bella, I am sorry. It just irritates me that you of all people got to be with him before me."
Wow. That's the most mature thing I think I've ever heard my mother say. Maybe Carlisle will be a good influence on her after all.
"Thanks, Mom. I accept your apology. I really wasn't that worried about it, considering I know I'm not a raging slut. Until this afternoon, I'd never even had sex before," I explain.
She thinks about that for a minute and I can almost see the rusty hamster wheel turning in her head as she processes what that means. "Wait, so you…? That was your first time? Carlisle was your first time?! I'm...going to go for a walk. By myself."
Well, great...now she's really, really mad.
After she leaves, Charlie walks over to Carlisle and conspiratorially whispers to him, "since you probably aren't fluent in Renée Speak yet, I should give you a heads up that going for a walk by herself is code for, if you care about me, you will follow me and try to fix this."
"He's right." Both Phil and I say at the exact same time.
Carlisle grins, says: "Thank you, Charlie," and pats my dad on the back. "I don't suppose there's a handbook is there?"
"Called: Dealing With Renée Higginbotham For Beginners?" My dad confirms. "No, I never got around to writing one, did you, Phil?"
"Naw, but it was definitely on my To-Do List. We can give you a few pointers if you want though. Step one is to take the batteries out of your smoke detector because she likes trying to cook but all she ever does is burn things." Phil laughs.
Carlisle beams and oddly seems to find that quality endearing. "Well, I suppose I had better go after her. But I would love to hear more later."
Hopefully, he still finds her helplessness and disorganization endearing after ten or twenty years. But hey, she isn't my problem anymore, she's his.
As soon as he leaves Emmett starts laughing. "Your family's a hoot, Bella!"
I roll my eyes. "I think the phrase I would have used is a clusterfuck, Em, but okay sure, hoot works."
AN: So thanks to the recommendation of mi chiquita IWriteNaked, I downloaded Grammarly and it helped me with my terrible punctuation, etc.