AN: Okay, so as I'm sure you've noticed, I'm trying to keep the author's notes to a minimum on this one. So if anyone wants to be thanked personally for their awesome reviews, just end your review with an emoji (the old fashioned kind, obviously, because the cartoon ones don't carry over on the site.) Thanks!

Chapter Five: A Northern Belle and A Southern Gentleman

After a few weeks of borrowing Em every time Rose will let me, I decide I need to return to my quest. After all, this would be a very different story if it were just about Emmett and me.

But before I move on to my next conquest, I should probably catch you up again on all the family goings on.

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, (Remember him, from the beginning? He used to be known as Edward, but I'm changing his name for the duration of this story.) wanted to come back but Alice told him not to.

She probably realized that Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, would not approve of the thoughts he would find in everyone's heads and would likely say something to end up pissing off The Newborn.

Oh wait, I guess I can't refer to myself as The Newborn anymore, since there have been two vamps born after me now, and Charlie is next to be changed whenever Phil finally calms down.

So if we're sticking to human analogies, then I guess Phil is The Newborn, which makes Renée The Toddler and me The Preschooler. And really? That's fitting in a sense because Phil is the most high maintenance, Renée is the most emotional, and I am the most fun!

Well, at least, that's what Emmett keeps telling me.

Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

And yeah, now that you mention it, I realize in hindsight, I should probably drop the preschool analogy whenever I'm talking about sex. This isn't that kind of a story, thankfully!

So, now that you're basically caught up again, I'll proceed with what happens next. Spoiler alert! I don't know what happens next, because I am writing this story in Present Tense. Which means that it is happening, right now, as we speak!

"Oh hi, Jasper!" I beam, looking up from the notebook I am presently writing in.

With a pen!

That Esme bought me!

Squeeeeeeeeee!

Good ol' Esme!

Not that she's really that old, per se.

Anyway, focus, Bella, there is a sexy Empath, wearing a delightful smirk, staring at me, trying to read my complex set of newborn emotions.

"Hi, Bella." Jasper laughs. "You, are certainly somethin', Darlin' I hope you know that."

"Yeah. I do. Though, the jury's still out on what kind of somethin'." I beam.

"Well, I guess that prolly depends on who you ask." Jasper grins.

Okay, hold the presses! Help me, Dear Readers! Can you guys tell if he is flirting here?

I mean, the guy practically oozes sex anyway, so maybe he's just being friendly?

Let's find out!

"And if I asked you? What kind of a somethin' would I be, Jasper?" I challenge.

Let's see how he responds to that!

He chuckles, and instead of giving me a boring verbal response, he just says: "If you want to know how I feel, here goes." and sends me the complete cocktail of his emotions.

I have to admit I am surprised upon seeing myself through Jasper's eyes, or should I say feeling myself through Jasper's gift? (Not like that! Get your minds outta the gutter! Oh, no, wait! Keep them there! The gutter is exactly where they need to be for this here story!) But I am surprised because apparently, Jasper finds me intriguing, sexy, witty, mysterious, arousing, clever, cute and generally enjoyable, if I am applying the right descriptors to go with his emotions.

"Cool! So...what do you plan to do about all that?" I ask, leaving the ball in his court.

"I plan to take you huntin'." He smirks.

Oh boy! I've been a vampire long enough now to know that when a boy wants to 'take you hunting' it generally has the same connotations as oh, say, hmm, Netflix and Chill.

Maybe this is why Alice told me to wear my red lingerie today! I had a feeling there was some ulterior motive there but I just couldn't put my finger on it. Not the lingerie, of course, I could easily put my finger on that.

Speaking of fingers, Jasper is holding his hand out for me to take, and he looks concerned that I have not moved to do so yet. I should probably pay more attention to my surroundings!

I move to take his hand, and together, we run into the forest.

Bringing me to a beautiful little clearing, complete with a babbling brook and beds of soft moss, Jasper pulls me down into his lap so that I am straddling him cowgirl style and kisses me.

Oooh Lordy! The sexy, smoldering vamps on TV can't hold a candle to this one, that's for certain!

Sadly, no epic mating spark though. But I should still make sure.

I allow him to help me out of my clothing so that Alice doesn't kill me for shredding it. He undresses us both, skillfully, somehow without even breaking the kiss.

I quickly impale myself on his throbbing sword, eager to find out just exactly how awesome sex is with an Empath. I have a feeling, it's pretty awesome!

Annnd I am one hundred and ten percent correct, it seems because it is beyond awesome. It's beyowesome! Or whatever it is that hamster says in that movie where the dog thinks he's a superhero but is really just an actor.

And yeah, I realize, in hindsight, it is probably really weird to think about cartoon animals while having the best sex of my life. Sorry Carlisle, Emmett, but hey, I just calls 'em like I sees 'em.

Not that they weren't both amazing too, they were, of course!

But admittedly there is something about having your own lust, passion, and pleasure as well as your partner's, projected back at you during the act. It transcends the typical sexual experience and takes you to another plane of existence.

Okay, hmm, yep, I uh, have seriously lost all ability to uh, focus on the, uh, words of this here story because I am currently on what I am umm, fairly certain is my uh, fifth consecutive orgasm, oh, nope, wait this is number six!

Deep breaths, Bella, focus and think!

Your readers might not want you giving them an ongoing tally of how many! (Seven) orgasms you're having.

That might be a little too much information. I mean, come on, girl! This is supposed to be a humor/adventure story, not a porno!

Although I have to admit, if they made a porno staring Jasper, I'd definitely buy it!

"Jasperrrr!" I cry out, reaching number eight. Yes, I know, I said I wouldn't count, but I'm not overfond of the number seven, so I didn't want to stop there.

"Yes, Darlin'. That's my name." He chuckles, lifting me off of his friendly soldier and pulling me into his lap to cuddle.

"Have you ever starred in a porno, Jasper?" I smirk.

"Not yet. Wanna make one?" He grins mischievously.

"Tempting. Soooo tempting. But I probably shouldn't, in case my mate wouldn't approve. I don't know how liberal he may or may not be, yet. Speaking of mates, I'm sorry it couldn't be you, Jasper. Especially after the mind-blowing sex!" I sigh. "I hope finding out about that wasn't the only reason you wanted to do this, because I would love to do this again with you," I admit, chewing my lip lightly.

(As a side note, I have to wonder how many newborn vampires have accidentally chewed their own lip off, forgetting their strength. Renée did it the other day and Carlisle had to reattach it. It was more than a little disturbing.)

"Darlin', I'm an Empath, remember? I already knew ya weren't my mate before we started. I wanted ya because I wanted ya," he assures me with a smoldering kiss. "'Sides, you're not an Empath, so I knew you'd need to find out for yourself, rather than just taking my word for it."

I ponder that for a moment. "Oh yeah, that's probably true. I have a habit of needing to find things out for myself to believe them. Which is why I stayed with Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, right up until my change. Even though every warning bell in my head was trying to tell me that if he was my mate, he would have wanted me changed, I ignored it. But hey, I'm glad I did, otherwise, I wouldn't be here."

"True, I guess Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, did one thing right in his life when he brought you to us." Jasper laughs.

"Oh sweet! You're calling him that too now?" I grin chipperly.

"I think most of the family are, Bella. That boy has to be pretty inept to give up on a beauty like you. I know I'm gonna have a hard time myself giving you up, even to your mate when you find him," he confesses.

"You mean, we get to keep doing this until then?" I ask excitedly.

"As long as you want to, yeah. But I may have to share you. I know Em is really hopin' you'll still want to go out to the waterfall with him on occasion." He shrugs.

"Wait, you mean...until I find my mate, I can have you both? I don't have to choose?" I confirm, hoping I understand.

"Darlin', Emmett and I have managed to successfully share a video system, I think if we can do that, we can definitely share a woman." He smirks.

"Yay!" I cheer, not really caring if I sound like a dork. I love spending time with my "brothers", especially sexy times. It would've been a damn shame to have to choose.

"I'm glad you're happy, Bella." He laughs mirthfully. "So am I."

AN: So, Jasper brings us to the last of the Cullen males. I plan on including most of the single males from canon, but you can also let me know which couples you want me to break up for this!