AN: All kinds of fuckery in this chapter, so...ya welcome.

I should probably throw it out there that I don't own Twilight, Disney, or The Smurfs, just in case you blacked out for the last decade or so.

Chapter Nine: Smurf Is Not a Race!

Okay, hi people!

Guess what? There is no recap this time. Because I am starting right where we left off last chapter. After all, there is some exciting shit happening right now! You wouldn't want to miss anything, right?

Okay, so, I explain to Jasper as we run through the woods all about how I found out that Jess is preggo by Mike Newton and right after that, I boned Garrett, and that when I brought him back to the house, he turned out to be Jess' mate, and is now freaking out about becoming a father. Once Jazz is all caught up, he starts laughing.

"What is with your odds, Bella? Ya do realize, out of the five people you've had sex with so far, two have found their mates right after? If that happens with the next person you bone, yer odds will be straight up fifty-fifty." He grins.

"That's probably a good thing, Jasper. If Carlisle and Garrett hadn't found their mates, I likely would have kept fucking them too. Then you'd be sharing me with three other men instead of one and The Jasper Express to Pleasure Town would be sadly underutilized." I remind him.

"True." He chuckles as we arrive back at the house.

Jessica comes running outside. "I didn't think vampires needed to breathe but he's in there hyperventilating!" She worriedly exclaims. "He keeps saying 'What the hell am I gonna do? I ate my last kid!' and now I'm panicking too!"

Wait…what?

"Shit. I didn't think of that." Jasper sighs. Clearly, I am missing something here?

Jazz sends out a wave of calm that hits everyone in the area. Then we walk inside with Jessica leading the way. When we see Garrett, he is curled up awkwardly in the fetal position, lying on the floor, sucking his thumb.

It's odd to see a centuries-old, hardened vampire soldier having a complete mental breakdown and regressing to a childlike state. It's even more concerning when you happen to have just finished screwing said vampire, in my case. Or when you happen to be that vampire's mate, in Jessica's case.

"Garrett," Jasper says softly, continuing to send calming waves to him. "You were a newborn back then. Ya didn't know any better. An' ya didn't have anyone ta help ya. I promise we're not gonna let you eat this one, okay?"

It seems to be working. Garrett has stopped sucking his thumb and is staring intently at Jasper as if whatever Jasper's next words are will be the secret to the meaning of life or some such other philosophical bullshit.

"Instead of focusin' on all that could go wrong, why not focus on the fact that ya just found yer mate? Jessica is really scared right now 'cause you're actin' like a moron. So I suggest you locate yer balls, Soldier, and comfort yer mate." Jasper insists in his commanding military voice. It's the same voice he uses to drench my panties when he decides to dominate me in the bedroom. Me likey that voice, very much.

"Sir, yes, Sir!" Garrett salutes, rising abruptly to stand at attention.

"Attaboy." Jasper nods patting him on the back.

Garrett walks over to Jessica and takes her hands in his. I can tell it is going to be an emotional moment as he begins to tell his story. Reader, be warned, the following subject matter is not meant to be funny. Unlike most of this shit.

"I'm sorry I scared you, Babe. When I was a newly turned vampire, it took me a while to recover my human memories. But once they started coming back to me and I remembered where I'd lived as a human, I naturally wanted to go home. It never occurred to me that it wasn't safe to do so.

"When I arrived, my young son was playing out in the yard and without even thinking, I drained him in the haze of my bloodlust. It wasn't until my wife came out and saw what I had done that I realized what had happened. I drained her too, just so I didn't have to look at the disgust on her face anymore.

"Then I buried them both and began going from battle to battle for the next century or two so that I could make sure I fed on fully grown men. Soldiers, on the enemy side. Men with blood on their own hands. Not innocent women and children," he tells her gently.

Jessica hugs him tightly. "Well, this time around, it's actually me we will need to worry about. I'm going to be turned as soon as the baby is born. So I need you to let go of the past and be there for our child for as long as I am still a danger to her."

Garrett smiles brightly. "We're having a girl?!"

"Yep. And, as long as you don't object...I had planned on naming her Annabeth?" Jess suggests hopefully.

Garrett looks like he would cry if he could. "Beth was my sister's name. And Anna was my mother's name. It's absolutely perfect!"

Jess breathes a sigh of relief. "So...you're not actually upset that I'm pregnant?"

"No. Not at all. It's actually a blessing. Vampires can't have children. So this way I don't have to feel like I'm robbing you of that experience." He beams, leaning down to kiss her.

She looks like a deer caught in the headlights and Jasper raises an eyebrow at her emotions, but as she begins to kiss Garrett, her expression morphs to one of relief. "Oh thank God!" She exhales, breaking the kiss. "I was really worried you were gonna taste like vag!" Jess admits.

I can't help it, I burst out laughing.

"Umm, what?" Garrett asks, clearly puzzled.

"Well yeah, you just had sex with Bella, right?" Jess confirms, not really seeming too upset about it.

"Umm yeah. I'm sorry, Babe. I didn't know you were my mate then...or that you even existed." He frowns.

"I know," she says, waving her hand dismissively. "That's why I'm not mad. But...didn't you go down on her?"

"Uh, no. She sucked me off and then we just had sex." He shrugs.

Jessica's brow furrows. "Are you...a selfish lover, Garrett? Because you've had hundreds of years to learn to pleasure a woman, so I seriously hope I don't have to teach you?"

"What? No, I...at least…I don't think I am?" he worries.

"To be fair, I never asked him to, Jess. In fact, I've never actually asked anyone for that. And the only ones who've done it without being asked were Jasper and Emmett. And I've had sex with them more than once so it was bound to happen eventually," I intervene.

"Hey, I did it the very first time though, remember?" Em pouts, as he and Rose arrive back from their movie in the middle of this gong show.

"Yes, Em, I remember," I assure him.

"I didn't. Not the first time anyway." Jasper shrugs. "But I tend to rely a little too heavily on my gift fer that stuff, I suppose."

"Geez, Jasper, you say that like it's a bad thing." I wink.

"Well, please let the record show that I consider cunnilingus a necessary requirement of all sexual encounters, Garrett, if they are to be enjoyable," Jessica advises him.

"Here here!" Rosalie concurs with an enthusiastic fist pump.

"Okay, well, as much as I would love to stick around and listen to everyone giving Garrett sex advice, I actually something pressing I need to handle," I state, thrilled to have a legitimate excuse to get out of this awkward conversation.

"If I'm not back in a few hours, assume I'm being eaten by the wolves." I shrug nonchalantly.

"Do you mean in the cunnilingus way? Because the wolves don't actually eat vampires, they just kill them." Emmett smirks.

"I mean...I was being facetious, but that's not a bad idea, actually. Maybe one of them could be my mate," I ponder.

"Geez, I hope not. They smell awful, Bella." Rose shudders in disgust.

"They do? What do they smell like?" I wonder.

"Rancid wet dog." She grimaces.

"Oh. That doesn't sound pleasant," I admit. "Well, hopefully, I won't actually run into any. I'm gonna call the Blacks' house and see if I can get Billy's permission to go over there to visit Jake. I want him to hear about me from me, not from anyone else. And since the tribe already knows about us, I'm hoping it's not a violation of the Volturi law to tell him that I un-died."

"Okay, well, just be careful, Bella. It's startin' to seem like Alice can't see the wolves at all in her visions. So if one of 'em were to hurt ya, she might not get a vision of it." Jasper frowns.

"For sure I will be," I promise. "And I'll have my phone with me the whole time."

"Good Girl. Be safe." He nods and kisses me goodbye. I grab my wallet, cell phone, and keys, then I head out the door.

"Billy? Hi, it's Bella," I say into the phone, sitting in my truck, parked on our side of the treaty line.

"Bella? Hi Sweetie! I was so upset to hear about what happened to you! In fact, I was kind of in a blind rage about it. But I talked to your dad and he kindly advised me to take the stick out of my ass and said that I was being a bigot. Which is the last thing I would ever want to be, of course. It just never occurred to me that vampires could be people too. Our tribe has always been taught to think of them as evil.

"Of course, it's pretty hard to still see things that way when your best friend becomes one. Don't get me wrong, I tried really hard to picture my life without Charlie in it when he told me. But I decided it would be like living without beer. Empty and devoid of all joy," Billy informs me.

"Well, Billy, I'm glad you feel that way now. Because I was hoping you'd let me come by and see Jacob? I really think he deserves to hear about this from me, don't you?" I reason, hoping he agrees.

"That should be fine, Bella. Yeah, I think so. Your dad said your control is pretty amazing for a young vampire. And he said you didn't try to eat him or your mom or Phil, so I think it's pretty safe for you to be over here. I'll call Sam and let him know you have my permission. Just remember, if you try to eat anybody, I have to kick you out, okay, Kiddo?" He warns sternly.

"Of course. Thanks, Billy. Do I need an escort?" I confirm.

"Not a formal one, no. But the wolves will still probably want to keep an eye on you, alright?" he advises.

"Yeah, no problem," I agree. "Will you please text me once you get ahold of Sam? I don't want to cross the line until I know it's okay with the wolves."

"Sure thing, Bella. Better safe than sorry," Billy says.

And unlike all the rude people in television and movies who hang up from a phone conversation without saying goodbye like assholes, I say:

"Thanks, Billy, bye for now!" And then I wait for him to say:

"No problem, Bella. See you soon!" Because we are civilized people, not Hollywood douchebags.

After getting the all-clear, I head to the little red house where Jacob and Billy live. The area smells vaguely of wet dog, but not strongly so the wolves must be keeping a respectful distance.

I find Jake waiting for me out front when I pull up. I'm wearing sunglasses, even though it's overcast, so that he doesn't see my eyes right away and I have my hair in a braid, so he can't see how flawless it is now.

As I get out of the truck, he beams and heads toward me. "My dad said you had something important to talk to me about, and that you would probably want privacy? That's why I didn't wait for you in the house."

"Yeah, Jake, I do." I nod, putting my hand out to stop him so he doesn't come any closer until I say what I need to.

"Okay...what is this about, Bella? And what's up with the shades? Are you on drugs? Did somebody give you a black eye? You're freaking me out," he worries.

"It's nothing like that. Jake...I need you to keep an open mind, okay?" I begin.

"Okaaay...did you get an eyebrow ring or something?" He laughs nervously.

"No, but I'm going to tell you now, so you can stop guessing." I chuckle.

"Your voice is different…" he states, clearly not having any guesses for that one. "And your skin looks flawless."

"Thank you. Now shut up and listen, please." I roll my eyes. "Do you remember on First Beach when I asked you about the legends and you told me about the Cold Ones and about how the Quileute are descended from wolves?"

"Yeah, but that was just a legend, Bella," Jake frowns, his brow furrowing.

"No, Jake. The only part of it that wasn't true was the part about the Cold Ones being evil. The Cold Ones are vampires but they're not evil. I need you to understand that part before I explain anything else," I plead gently.

"Okay, sure, sure. They're not evil. Are you gonna try to convince me the Cullens are vampires now? Because my dad already tried that and I told him it was ridiculous." Jake grins.

I sigh and take off my sunglasses. I take my hair out of its braid and shake it out for him to see as it falls in perfect waves with natural highlights I never had before. Jake gasps, his heart rate slightly increasing. Probably his natural fear kicking in.

"No, I'm not going to try to convince you of anything. Because you can see with your own eyes. Vampires are real, Jacob Black. Which I know. Because I am one."

"Holy fuck, Bella! You're gorgeous! Er...I mean...you were always gorgeous, of course, but before you were gorgeous like a model. Whereas now you're gorgeous like a supermodel!" He tells me, his tongue practically hanging out of his head.

Ohhkay...not the reaction I was expecting, but hey, that's okay. Even better, right?

"So...you don't...like...hate me, now?" I confirm.

"No! Why would I ever hate you for becoming hotter?" He smirks.

"Uhh, you did hear the 'vampire' part, right, Jake?" I question, starting to think he may have blocked out that part.

"Well, yeah, duh. But we've been standing here for like five minutes and you haven't tried to eat me or even take a nibble. So you're obviously not the bloodthirsty predator the legends describe. And if the Cullens are vampires...well, from everything I hear in town, Dr. Cullen is an amazing Doctor who saves lives all the time. So if that's true, then I don't have any reason to hate you for becoming like them." He smiles, stepping closer to hug me. "I trust you, Bella. Always."

I wrap my arms carefully around Jake, making sure I don't hurt him. "Wow, Jake, thank you. You have no idea how much it means to hear you say that." I sigh with relief, enjoying the warmth of his embrace.

"I do have one question though, and I doubt I'm gonna like the answer," he says nervously.

"What is it?" I worry taking a step back.

"Well...assuming that vampires are immortal...if you changed for Edward, does that mean you've decided to be with him forever?" he asks, biting his lip.

"Oh, my sweet, naïve Jacob." I grin. "I broke up with Edward aka Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, the moment I became a vampire because I realized he wasn't my mate."

"You did?!" He exclaims cheerfully, looking like I just made his day.

"Yep, I'm a free agent. Until I find my mate, that is. So far no luck on that front though." I shrug.

"Do you think...well, that there might be even a chance it could be me, or does it have to be a vampire?" He asks shyly, which is sort of adorable, I have to say.

"I actually don't know if it has to be a vampire. But it wouldn't hurt to try," I admit.

"Okay." He nods enthusiastically, "how do we find out?"

"Well...the easiest way to be sure is probably to have sex and see how we feel after, which is what I've been doing whenever I meet a single male vampire. But...I know you have a crush on me and I don't want to do anything that could hurt you or cause problems for our friendship in the long run. So, maybe we shouldn't?" I suggest.

"Oh. Well, I would really hate to run the risk that we could be mates and never even know it because you didn't think I was mature enough to handle it, Bells." He sighs. "I promise if it turns out we're not soulmates, then I won't make it weird, okay?"

"Really? Even when I go back to having sex with Jasper and Emmett?" I confirm.

"You've been having sex with them? Like regularly? I thought you just meant you tried it once to find your mate? Does that mean, even if it turns out I'm not your mate, you might keep having sex with me?" He asks eagerly.

"No promises. I'm already juggling two guys, I don't really know how many more I can add before I start dropping balls, no pun intended." Ahh, who am I kidding here? Yes, that pun was intended.

"Sure, sure, we'll play it by ear." He nods. "Now can I take you to my room before you have a chance to change your mind?"

"Yes, Jake. Lead the way." I nod, as he takes me by the hand and leads me inside. I never noticed how warm he is until today. I guess it's because I'm so cold now as a vampire.

Once we are inside Jacob's room with the door locked, he steps into my arms without preamble and kisses me deeply. The kiss is inexperienced but not bad, just a little clumsy but that's okay.

He may not be my first, but he is my first virgin, and I have to admit I'm kind of looking forward to being the experienced one for a change. I take my shirt off, not wanting to lose any momentum.

He follows suit, taking his own shirt off and when our bodies connect as we resume kissing, it feels like fire and ice. He's red hot and I'm ice cold and it's fucking electric, it feels like heaven and hellfire all at once.

I unbuckle his pants, allowing them to drop to the floor as he helps me out of my jeans and when I look down, I realize his boxers have pictures of Smurfette all over them.

"Really, Jake?" I giggle.

"What? She's hot!" he defends.

"She's blue!" I laugh.

"Hey! That's racist, Bella!" Jake huffs.

"Smurf is not a race, Jake," I insist. "There isn't anyone on the planet who when asked for their ethnicity on a survey says: Smurf."

"There isn't anyone on the planet who when asked for their ethnicity says 'vampire', either, Bella. But that doesn't make you any less real." He smirks.

"Touché." I laugh. "Can I take them off though? She's creeping me out."

"What's the matter, Bella? Don't like thinking about cartoons during sex?"

"What the fuck?! Who told you? That was an accident! All four times. It wasn't my fault, I swear!" I huff.

"Umm, whoa. I was kidding! But hey, if you do have some kind of cartoon fetish, I think I can work with that. I'm pretty open-minded," he teases with a wink.

"Just shut up and kiss me." I laugh, rolling my eyes at him.

"Yes, Ma'am." He nods emphatically and does just that.

The stupid smurfs hit the floor and so do my little camouflage boy shorts and matching lace bra (can you guess which of my lovers picked out those this morning, hmm?). Once we are skin-to-skin, I swear Jacob feels impossibly warmer than he did at the start. It's like he is burning my cold flesh with his heat.

The sensation is entirely too much and I need to know what it feels like to have that warmth inside of me. So I push him back on the bed and climb on top of him. "You sure, Jake?" I confirm. "You only get one first time," I remind him.

"I am most definitely sure, Bells. I want my first time to be you." He nods.

And that's all the consent I need. I plunge down on his eager length and oh. my. fuck. yes!

That warmth feels even better inside than it does outside. I could practically cum just from the sensation alone. Jake hisses.

"Wow! It's like sticking my dick in an igloo." He grins. "In a really, really good way!" he quickly assures me.

"Whatever, just don't go soft on me." I shrug.

"I'll do my best but it's really cold," he worries.

But apparently, he doesn't have anything to worry about because oddly, his appendage seems to be growing instead of shrinking.

"Umm...Jake…what's up with the Pinocchio dick?" I ask. Dammit! Disney reference number five!

"Huh?" He groans.

"I'm pretty sure your cock just had a growth spurt." I laugh, and then I really look at him. "Actually...your entire body just had a growth spurt. Like a visible one. Like you look like you just aged like ten years!" I worry, all laughter leaving my voice.

He starts shaking and at first, I think he's shivering because I'm so cold and then I worry he's having a seizure. And then…

...he explodes. And I do not mean ejaculates!

AN: Welp...I did it. I broke the unwritten rule! Don't worry if you're not into the whole furry thing. Neither am I so there will definitely be a time skip!