Mr. Sakamoto

His polished dress shoes were left untidy at the door. His formal messenger bag too; though many years old, it still looked new; an untouched gift from his mother when he graduated from college. His coat never made it to the closet and rested over the arm of the sofa, where he lay. He used it as a substitute for a pillow and rested his feet on the opposite end. He threw his forearm over his eyes to block out the intimation sun that was his living room's ceiling lamp. His white button down, loose at the neck; freedom from his deep blue tie. On the floor, the matching jacket for his suit.

He was tired.

"Ryuji," Makoto called from the bedroom. "Ryuji?" Sakamoto Makoto walked out of the bedroom. She wore an oversized sweater, exposing her legs, but kept warm with fuzzy polkadot socks; her favorite. With medium length hair brought into a ponytail, she favored her older sister. Makato held her laptop in her hands and did not look up from it. "Hun, did you pay the bill for our internet service? Ryuji?"

No answer came from the drifting Ryuji and Makoto didn't take too long to notice. She placed her laptop on the dining table and made her way to the sofa to see her exhausted husband. She ran her fingers through his short russet hair and smiled to herself. It had been some time since he'd been blonde, but at times he still seemed to her like the Ryuji she met as a Shujin Academy high school student. At that time, her feelings were for their mutual friend, Akira; but over the last few years, they found their way to each other.

In their darkest place, they became lovers, then eventually partners. Before Makoto knew it, she was trying on wedding dresses and taking pictures with a red in the face Ryuji, who was more handsome in a tux then she ever imagined.

He proposed to her in his own way, while sitting on their sofa, post loving making and drinking a spiked seltzer because they were out of beer and too lazy to go out. She appreciated how simple his love was; how down to earth and grounded he could be; and how much of he kept her afloat when she overloaded herself with reason and logic; whether with a smile or kiss.

He was a great teammate when they were Phantom Thieves. He was a better friend. He was amazing in bed and more than all those things together he was a great partner. She was glad they would be spending their whole lives together, but she also had her own concerns. At that moment, those interests were blocked by the lack of internet connection.

She tugged on a strand of his hair and Ryuji slapped his own face. Perhaps he thought it was an itch or a bug. "Ryuji…"

Ryuji opened one eye and saw his wife looming over him with annoyance, yet still some affection. "Yeah, yeah, I'm up." He rubbed his face and Makoto returned to her laptop.

"Did you pay the internet bill?"

"Yeah. Yeah, no, I forgot." Ryuji sat up and ran his hands through his hair. He was unsure of when he dozed off and how long he remained there.

"You said you'd take care of it. Why'd you forget?"

"I'm just tired. Did you know I had three interviews today?"

"No. You said you had two."

"Yeah, that's what I thought. But it was three. I got the voice message from another school during my second interview. I barely made it to the last one."

"I don't know why you're overexerting yourself. It's not like we're strapped for cash."

"I want a steady job. The gym is great and all, but I want something more stable. Can't be a daddy without a stable income." Makoto froze. They had spoken about kids before but never made any concrete plans. "I know we've only talked about it, but I'd really like to start trying soon. I want a Makoto Jr. Or just any child that looks like you."

"You don't want one that looks like you?"

"No – no, I already know what I look like. I want to be able to see you more and more in our kid. I know, it sounds super lame, right? I just keep daydreaming about it."

"Well, we never really made plans for it."

"I mean, once I land a decent gym teacher or coaching gig, we can."

"I don't know."

"What don't you know?"

"If we're ready. If I'm ready." Makoto returned to the bedroom and Ryuji looked over to see she disappeared from the dining table. She couldn't just dart away from that, as if the conversation was over. He wouldn't let her. Ryuji arose from the couch and made his way to the bedroom. He pulled off his tie and stood in the doorway.

"What do you mean you're not ready?"

"I just don't want to commit to a kid yet, without really knowing what I want for me."

"So...you don't want children?"

"Of course I do. I want little ones with big warm eyes like yours, but not now. Not at this moment. It's just – a friend told me about a law program in New York and I want to check it out. I want to be sure." She closed her laptop and placed it on the nightstand. She faced Ryuji and who was at a loss for words.

"Be sure? What you're not happy with me?"

"Ryuji –"

"Is it because I make less money than you. I don't understand –"

"It's not like that. I just – I want to be sure for me. This has nothing to do with our marriage, but everything to do with me making sure that before I commit to bringing life into this world, I committed to me; I loved me."

"So I'm holding you back?"

"No. I never said that. Ryuji please –" He turned away from her and headed towards the front door. He grabbed his coat and began slipping on sneakers. "Ryuji!" Makoto hurried after him but could not stop him from walking out the door. It closed with a slam and she regretted waking him from his slumber.

Ryuji sat on the train for what felt like the last ten years of his life. How'd he reach the point where he didn't know anything but what he wasn't and what he couldn't do; what he didn't have. He was so different back in the good old days. Never the sharpest tool in the box, but always the one to have his friend's back. Always the one to stand up for those he cared about; who was he just then to the woman he loved? The woman he called wife.

He got off the train and roamed the area where he worked. The gym was like his second home and he didn't know where else to go. As he walked by he saw a familiar face, crowned by a large curly afro. He stopped and stared for a bit too long, as she approached him. Lana, in a puffy winter jacket, walked to Ryuji with a smile. "Hey." She said; song in her voice.

"Hey, wha – what are you doing here?" He could barely make out. They hugged. It was a short and awkward hug, but an embrace nonetheless. Ryuji couldn't stop thinking, what were the chances of running into one's ex.

"I'm covering the evening yoga classes for, Meiko since she had her baby and all."

"Oh! I had no idea." He wasn't lying. He didn't. Wrapped up in his own thoughts and life, Ryuji took little time to notice his pregnant coworker. He scolded himself for not taking time to talk to her, or congratulate her on something she had going on; the very same thing he wanted for himself and his partner.

"Yeah…" Lana found it strange that he wouldn't. Meiko was so noticeably pregnant and lead the only prenatal yoga courses at the gym. Perhaps there was a difference in schedule. "So how are you? How you been?"

"Good," He answered quickly. He feared he'd say too much if he took time to think of his response, "cant' complain. I'm married now." He took his left hand out his pocket and held up his hand, showing his wedding band. Lana smiled.

"Great. Congratulations."

"What about you?"

"I run my own studio now. I'm just doing this for Meiko since she and I go way back."

"Right. Well, congratulations on managing your own studio. I'm sure it's doing well."

"Yeah. It is. And I'm happy."

"Good," He answered, "I'm happy for you." Was she showing off? Was she making it her business to let him know just how well she did after their breakup, though so much time had passed already? "I'm actually thinking of leaving the gym. I'm interested in teaching. I figure leading a track team or being a gym teacher would suit me better, since it helped me out so much when I was young and filled with angst. I wanted to help out young people in the same place, you know?"

"That's so great! I think you'd be wonderful with kids. When we were together, I always thought you'd be a great dad, because you have such a big heart." Lana smiled and Ryuji felt his heart stop then. Despite the cold, he felt warm. Her words comforted him in a way he needed, but it also dragged out the pain he felt on the matter. Makoto didn't say such a thing to him; she only expressed her concerns, not her excitement.

"Do you wanna get a drink? Catch up on old times?" Ryuji asked. He tried his best to hide his eagerness.

"Yeah, sure. I'm not sure if you remember, but I'm not too far from here."

"I remember." He knew he answered too quickly. She knew it too.

He sat on her couch and the ceiling fan spun overhead. Though he didn't forget where she lived, the actual apartment was different than he remembered; different paint job and a few more pictures hung on the wall. Freshened up after a shower, Lana came out from the kitchen and handed him a beer. She sat beside him on the sofa and opened her can. They toasted and as she drank, Ryuji watched her from the corner of his eye. It had been a long time enough time and he remembered more things about than he should.

As he sipped his own beer and recalled her dominate her tongue was when they kissed. How thick and strong her thighs were; how it felt to have them wrapped around his waist when inside her; how inside her felt. He remembered all the sex they had on the sofa, though when he looked at the sofa, he realized he wasn't sitting in the same one. It was new; a different color. He wondered if she still made the same noises during sex. The one that made him feel like he was the best lover on earth.

"So things are going well?" He asked.

"Yeah. Really well. You know, when we broke up, I didn't know what to do. I wanted to leave Japan, so bad. And it took some time, but after packing half my things and throwing out the couch, I realized, my location and my things didn't need to change, I did."

"I'm sorry about how things ended."

"Don't be. It was fine. Look, we're talking now, right? And we're each doing well. Let's toast to that!" They knocked their beer cans together once more and Lana chugged the remainder of her drink. She arose from her spot on the couch and returned to the kitchen. "Do you want another?" She asked.

"Sure." In his head, he knew he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was hurt, tired and if he kept drinking as fast as he was on an empty stomach, he'd come on to her. Though he loved his wife, Lana was a woman he was very attracted to; chocolate skin that glowed; big hair. She walked around her apartment, wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt with no bra on. He knew it was not an invitation, but...was it?

She handed him another beer. He gracefully accepted. She opened her serving and Ryuji stared at his. What was he doing?

"You know, I stayed in Japan because of you." Ryuji looked at her, confused. "I was so ready to run after we broke up, but then I realized, so many good things happened to me here. I got a job I loved. I fell in love. So, though things ended between us – it's been mostly good here. I'm glad I met you, Ryuji."

He put on his coat and shoes. She stood at the entrance and watched him. As he reached for the knob he faced her and they both smiled. "Thanks for coming by."

"Yeah. Maybe we should get dinner sometime."

"Yeah. With Meiko and the old crew." He observed his mistake and how he misspoke. She corrected him by making sure other people were involved. As he turned the knob she touched his arm. "I think you'll be a great teacher, Ryuji, for the same reason I thought you'd be a great dad. You're filled with so much love. Even if you didn't love me back, there was no way for me to tell, because I always felt loved. And your heart is so big, I know you get hurt easily, but that also means you love twice as hard."

Tears welled in Ryuji's eyes, and he had no way to fight them. He faced Lana, who was shocked by his expression as he lost control of his feelings. He stepped towards her and brought his hands to cup her face. Her skin was just as soft as he remembered. Her chocolate complexion, smooth and glowing as always. He brought his face to hers and pressed their lips together in a deep kiss. He couldn't think of anything else then. Not of his exhaustion; his lack of a steady career; his wife, Makoto. He only thought of the warmth he felt and how much he wanted it to remain. When they parted Lana moved his hands from her cheeks. She rubbed the tears from his eyes and smiled. "Go home to your wife, Sakamoto-san." She said to him.

"Maybe we can get a drink another time?" He asked though he knew her answer.

"Maybe." She responded, thought both knew 'maybe' would never come. Ryuji exited Lana's apartment and he ran towards the train station.

Hurrying into his apartment, Ryuji near forgot to take off his shoes. He abandoned his winter coat on the living room floor and hurried into the bedroom to see Makoto typing away on her laptop. Without looking up at him, she said, "I paid for the internet on my phone."

"Okay." He answered.

"Come here." She patted his side of the bed and Ryuji took a seat on the end. Makoto closed her device and crawled over to her husband. She hugged him tightly, wrapping her arms around him. "I'm sorry." She could only apologize. She knew she hurt him. It was unfair. She knew he was having a hard time, and she didn't time the topic well.

"It's okay."

"I talked to Sae and I got a great idea. Why don't you come to the states with me? We'll bring Yohanna, and it'll be the three of us. You're already so good with her, I'm sure it wouldn't be too difficult and could be practice for when we have our own. Plus, Sae could use a break as a single mom -"

"I saw my ex." Makoto was taken aback by his response. She expected his enthusiasm, but perhaps she was mistaken to think him so childish, naïve and easily won over.

"Oh. Okay…"

"We got drinks and caught up."

"I see."

"I kissed her. I'm sorry." Ryuji arose from the bed. He grabbed his gym duffle and shoved clothing into the bag, not looking at what he picked up.

"Ryuji –"

"I think we should – I don't know. I'm gonna stay with Akira for a while."

"Ryuji!" Makoto raced her husband to the door. Ryuji, faster and stronger than her simply moved her out the way as he continued to gather his things. "Let's talk about this – please!"

"I don't want to! I have nothing to say. I'm sorry, but I messed up – I can't talk now. I'm sorry."

And like that, the door was slammed once more for the night. Makoto stood in the living room confused, hurt and miles away from the anger she believed she was entitled to. But when she wanted to scream, all that came out were sobs. Tears welled in her eyes and she regretted more than anything waking him up from his peaceful rest, where he dreamt of their children and their growing family.

Akira threw an additional blanket to Ryuji who laid on the sofa. They didn't speak when he arrived. He simply appeared at Leblanc with a full bag of clothing. No words between them, he made a makeshift spot on the old sofa of that dusty attic in that timeless café. As he laid down, Ryuji closed his eyes and felt warm tears cascade down his face. He didn't know who he was or what he wanted anymore. He only missed Makoto like crazy.